Funkytown.

This part where I miss my husband so much it hurts and can't stand the thought of another day where my life isn't my own again... the part where I don't have a home, don't have freedom, don't have my (or our) normal... the part where I live by someone else's rules, where I feel like a teenager in my parents home, where I just want my life back... I hate it.

I want this to be over. I want to feel normal again. I want my life back. I want Swiss back.

Sorry for the lack of posting lately- I'm in a funk and rather than bore you all to death with my funkified drivel, I've been keeping quiet. Hope you are all doing well and Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

One is the loneliest number.

For two weeks I let myself forget how solitary life has been. I let myself forget how much it sucks to do it all alone. I let myself remember how much better everything is when we are together. I let myself get wrapped up in how wonderful Swiss is, how amazing life is when we are together.

I let myself feel whole again and it was spectacular.

And now I am back to one. My heart hurts today. I feel empty and un-whole and sad. And I want this to be over.

I want Swiss back. Badly.

Lingering.

I've decided that Suckytown isn't really all that bad. So I think I am going to stay for a little while. (Don't be concerned... I have no plans to put roots down and stay here or anything!) This particular funk is a strong one and I don't quite have the urge/desire to take it on just yet. So I am going to linger here.

Yesterday, when I was talking to Swiss, he told me he had a tentative date for R&R. Which is awesome, but also still very far away. He told me that it was almost like starting over again at zero, because we've done the same amount of time apart already. Seriously, I almost started bawling when I heard him say "Zero". Ugh. I don't want to be at zero again. I CAN'T be at zero again. The thought of that is downright depressing.

I have also discovered some of the side effects of residing in Suckytown. Maybe it has something to do with the air here, but I can't remember important day-to-day stuff anymore. Mah brain is fried and if it ain't on a list, it ain't gettin' done. I am way distracted (more so than usual) and find myself craving solitude. Not because I don't like people or have decided to become a recluse (though I have contemplated it, but for other reasons), I think just because I know deep down the only person who could make any of this better is the one who is so far away. And that is just the way it is.

But, don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm just taking my time to see the sights, get a taste of the local flavor and enjoy the break from wearing the HappyFace (trademark). Suckytown isn't a place I want to stay... but for now, it's just easier being here than anywhere else. Have a great Wednesday everyone and thanks again for all the kind thoughts and encouragement!

Monday, Monday.

I had some irreverent things to say about IKEA and lattes and Counting Crows and Pandora. But the rash of tragic and upsetting current events put a damper on my trivial thoughts, as they well should.

So instead, keep these people and their families in your thoughts.
Hope that the man who did this get what he deserves in this life AND the next, and that people start realizing that nothing about murder is "Pro Life".
And do whatever you can to help stop this and this from ever happening again, because no matter what you believe, these men are not the ones that need to be discharged from the military (see SisB's post on this topic, she's spot on as usual, Kanani too.). These men are all that is right with the Armed Forces, regardless of who they sleep with at home.

And that is all I have to say about that.

How Lord of the Rings is like a deployment.

Admittedly the past few days have been rough. Generally, I think I am doing pretty darned good job of dealing with this deployment, staying positive, going on with life and doing my best to thrive in this new situation. But lately I'm feeling kind of like I'm just going through the motions, like I am on auto-pilot. I suspect it has much to do with the month of nonexistent phone service and not being able to hear Swiss’s voice. I suspect it also has something to do with feeling like we've only just reached Rivendell in our epic journey to Mordor... in other words we haven’t even finished the first movie. Yes, I just referenced the Lord of the Rings trilogy and compared it to this deployment. I think it is oddly fitting. The Precious? Totally the end of this deployment. I loves the precious. Must have the precious!

I think it also has something to do with being here in the civilian world… it is starting to feel like Swiss and this deployment has been forgotten by all but a few. No one asks. No one talks about it. We talk about everything else, but somehow this deployment and how we are doing seems to be verboten. Maybe they are just afraid to talk about it. Maybe they think I will have a meltdown if it gets brought up (I won't... I haven't had anything even resembling a melt-down yet, at least not in public!). Maybe they don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all. Maybe they think I am doing perfectly fine and don't need anything. I don't know. I just know I'm feeling sort of invisible. If I have a bad day, no one asks. I don't have very many bad days, so it is sort of disappointing that it doesn't register that I might need some support or a kind gesture.

Now mind you, this isn't everyone in my life (thank God!). I have a few great friends who aren't afraid to ask or talk about it and still genuinely care about us. And I am so thankful for them, but a good portion of them are not here, they are scattered to the four corners and not physically present in my day-to-day life (I heart you ladeez!). And I know those are the folks I should focus on, but I am feeling a tiny bit lost at sea right now and I am terrible at asking for the kind of 'help' that would go so far in making this easier. I don't want a pity party and I don't need help-help. I just need someone to ask "how are you doing?" or say "let's go get dinner some night". I don't want to seem weak because I feel like I should be able to do this all on my own, but this hasn't exactly been what I would call easy. It would be nice though if someone came up to me and asked if I am doing okay. I don't want to have to say "I'm having a shit time right now, can you ask me out to dinner or drinks or come over to just hang out?". Maybe that is silly of me.

I know I will get over this soon. I know it will pass... I will put my Big Girl Britches on and get over myself. I will keep on trucking to Mordor and focus on getting to the Precious. But man, this really sucks sometimes.

Deployment Math.

Do you ever have one of those moments when something you know suddenly becomes something you realize? Does that even make any sense?

Here's my point. Just yesterday I was all proud of Swiss and I because we got 2 whole months down... only 10 more to go! Hooah! But then all the deployment math started running through my head, especially the equations about how much longer it will be until I get to see my man.

That's when it hit me. Even though we have 2 months down (which sadly seems like an eternity), I am still going to have to wait 6 more months to see his face, touch him, be near him. I knew that, we had talked about it numerous times before. It will be Fall before I see him. Most of 2009 will be over by that time. For some reason today all of it really sunk in. 6 more months of this. It sort of makes me wan to cry (and by sort of I mean really).

6 more months of no kisses, no hand to hold, no one to curl up next to in bed, no handsome man to come home to, no normal couple-ness. It makes these past 2 months feel like 2 days. Like we haven't really accomplished anything in getting this over with.

I know that isn't the case... 2 months is not nothing. And I know that the flip side is that once he is home on R&R, it will only be a handful of months until he is home again. But today that knowledge doesn't help... it doesn't make me any less lonely and it doesn't make this any easier.

I just really miss him. And I am really ready to have him home again. If anyone finds or has a Fast Forward button please pass it my way post haste...

This sucks.

Don't mind me. I am just feeling like whining. So consider this your fair warning.

This deployment stuff sucks. Of course it sucks for all of the obvious reasons. War sucks. Mandatory spousal separation sucks. Dirty, dusty tent living sucks. Fear, worry, danger... all suck.

But the little stuff sucks too. In some ways it sucks more than the big stuff... you know, not having him to talk to about my day. Not having him to be my nuclear reactor in bed- and no that isn't some metaphor for sex- literally the man throws off some serious heat and I love to be warm & cozy. Not seeing his smile. Not being able to touch him, hold hands, curl up beside one another. Not being able to talk to him about his day, every day. Not having him to cook for. Not being able to look over and see him there.

And you know what I miss the most? Just being with him. We don't have to do anything, say anything... just be together. I miss that so very much.

The Flipside.

I am now in the inevitable funk that follows time with Swiss.

I am surly. I am sad. I am mad even.

I am so over the fact that being apart is more normal than being together.* I am tired of relying on cell phones and e-mail to have normal daily conversations. Conversations that should be had over a dinner table or while curled up together on a sofa. I am tired of having to plan life around the Army. I am tired of not wanting to sleep in my own bed because more often than not I am alone in it. I am tired of sucking it up and putting on a brave face.

Mostly, I am just tired of knowing that this- what we are doing right now, 5 days away, 2 days together- is as good as it is going to get for the next 2 years. That, internet friends, is depressing. And what's worse is that there isn't a damned thing anyone can do about it. Not me, not Swiss, no one.

Welcome to Army Life.

*No lectures needed about how we choose this, Hooah this, Hooah that. I get it. We chose this. That still doesn't make it any easier.