No words.

There are no words to explain how I feel right now. Sometimes emotions are too deep and complex and raw to put into mere words... this is where I find myself right now. The long and short of it is that dear, sweet Fletcher's situation is worse than any of us expected. The option for surgery became moot once we understood that we wouldn't be able to give him the radiation treatment they recommended and that even doing such drastic surgery and treatment wasn't going to guarantee us all that much extra time with him. It became obvious that doing all this to him was ultimately going to be a selfish choice. So, we are leaving our adorable boy alone to live out whatever time he has left with us. No radical surgery, only palliative low-dose chemotherapy and NSAID treatments.

Right now we have a bouncy, exuberant, happy puppy on our hands and I fear that doing all these extensive measures would have taken that away from him and us. So we chose to leave him be his boisterous and loving self until the time comes.

I know we made the right decision, after hours of talking it out with the oncologist and surgeon at the UW Vet center, it became so obvious that this was really the only fair choice to Fletcher. I haven't come to terms with the fact that we may only have a handful of months left with him... whatever time it ends up being will be too little. But we have come to terms with what we need to do: love him up at every chance, spoil him rotten, and ensure his quality of life is second to none. We have a lot of years of love to cram into not much time, so we aren't hesitating with the spoiling. Not one bit.

Of course we are still holding out and hoping for a small miracle, but I think we understand that knowing our time is limited, having this time with him, being able to make the most of this time is a gift in a way. So keep sending our little guy your prayers and well wishes, we can certainly still use it. And thank you for standing by us and all your kind words.

xoxo,
Tucker, Swiss and Fletcher

Fletcher Update

So, wow... what a few days this has been. Swiss has left for South Dakota, someone has to be there to accept our household goods so he left this morning to head West. My new boss has been nothing shy of wonderful, they have let me postpone my start date until next week so that I can be with Fletch for his surgeries and take him home with me.

We still don't know much more about his diagnosis. Nothing has changed from what we last learned. Right now we are scheduled for an oncology appointment tomorrow and that will dictate surgery dates and give us an idea of what to expect. I know our little guy won't ever look the same, but I know he will bounce back and he'll still be the handsomest little stinker in my eyes. I think Swiss and I are coming to terms with the fact that we won't have Fletcher for nearly as long as we had hoped... it is still a shock to the system and it still breaks my heart, but we have already started spoiling him rotten and ensuring that whatever time he has with us will be full of love and pampering and frolics in the woods... and plenty of treats. I think we figure if we only have a limited time with him, we are going to have to cram in a lifetime of love in the coming months and years.

Our current dilemma is this. Do we stick with the local surgeon that seems competent (if a bit young) or hit the road and have the surgery done up at the University of Wisconsin's highly renowned Vet center? I mean, like my Dad said, do you want to look back a few years from now and wonder what if we had just gone to Madison? Realistically, with the diagnosis given, I don't think either one of them are going to be able to make this thing go away forever... but what if it is the difference between one year with him and two years? What would you do?

In any event, please send more puppy love and wishes Fletcher's way. He definitely still needs it and says thanks for all the kind thoughts and prayers you've already been lobbing his way. I'll keep y'all posted when we know more (hopefully tomorrow).

Heartbroken.

So, I'll cut to the quick. My sweet boy Fletcher has cancer, it is aggressive and the prognosis, even after surgery, isn't good. It is rare in a dog so young... and I am kicking myself for not doing more earlier, but how was I to know? We thought is was just a goose egg. No one thought it was cancer. No one. I never saw this one coming, and it knocked the wind right out of me. So please pardon me if I cry as I type this.

We do have some options, the most reasonable one involves drastic surgery to cut away all of the tumor and the surrounding areas that likely house other tendrils of tumor. Since it is on his face, it means that he will never look the same. They might even have to remove his eye. But they say dogs don't care how they look, and I know our savvy little guy will adapt well. But still, this has been devastating news.

I am heartbroken. Swiss had to choke back tears as we turned around on the interstate to head back home with the news. My Mom and Dad are just as upset. I am so very very sad. It is just beyond unfair and so sad and a thousand kinds of not right. He doesn't deserve this. He's been nothing but snuggly and sweet and loving and funny and a kind, sweet soul. He's what got me through so many lonely days and nights during the deployment, his constantly wagging tail has always been there to greet us. His antics were always good for a smile and a laugh. He's been so good at overcoming all of the issues his previous horrible owners gave him. He's come leaps and bounds (both literally and figuratively) since we got him, he's turned into such a lovable and wonderful pet. He is such a sweet, affectionate and funny boy and to have this happen to him while he's still so young is unthinkable.

I am alternately angry and crushed. I am angry that this had to happen to him, after having abusive owners who made him afraid of whistles and any loud noises, owners who penned him up in a kennel with no padding leading to a broken toe, owners who somehow couldn't take care of this sweet soul and left him in a kill shelter with a broken tail and a missing tooth. He's been through enough. This is too much. He doesn't deserve this, not by a country mile. I am so upset that his sweet life may be cut drastically short. And I find myself asking the ever-futile question, why? Why did this have to happen to him? Why do affectionate and loving pets get things like cancer, what kind of world is that? Why so young? Why???

I've done nothing but cry since we got the news last night. I feel cheated and sad and devastated. This isn't what you are supposed to be worrying about with a 2 year old dog. He was supposed to grow old and grey with us. Now? We don't know. 1 more year, maybe 2. 4 if we are lucky. And of course I am hoping for the best, but I can't pretend that this isn't as serious as it is. We aren't going to have our sweet boy for nearly as long as we had hoped. And it just isn't fair.

We have chosen to take him up to the University of Wisconsin Veterinary Hospital for surgery (assuming it is possible, blasted Thanksgiving has put a huge wrench in everything) since they have a set of surgeons that specialize in soft tissue and have likely seen this at least a few times before. I'm going to give our boy every last fighting chance I can. And spoil him as rotten as we can.

Please put our little guy in your prayers or whatever and send lots and lots of good ju-ju his way. Lord knows he's going to need it and I can't do it all myself no matter how hard I try.

Lumpy puppy.

So Fletcher has a lump on his adorable puppy face. How he got it is a ridiculous story, but there was an accidental run in with a metal tree stand, an ensuing lump, and a month later... after antibiotics, anti-inflammatories and numerous Vet visits... it just keeps getting bigger. Insert sad face here.

Thankfully we know it isn't cancer. But it is a tumor that is growing and the poor guy's upper jaw bone is already bending to this tumor's will. Insert second sadder face here. So tomorrow we head off to the specialist surgeon. Our Vet isn't comfortable navigating the complicated network of nerves on his face, lest we end up with a dog with a non-working eyelid or tear ducts, so specialist it is.

We know there will be surgery involved, we don't know how intensive it will be, how complicated it will be, what kind of time line we are on, just that it has to happen or this tumor will destroy his upper jaw bone. Yes, insert third sadder sad face here. We leave for South Dakota after Thanksgiving, but thankfully my parents have offered to take care of everything and babysit/nurse him back if we can't get it all done before I have to report to my new job. God bless my parents. And thank the Lord they are bigger dog people than we are.

So blech, I'm a nervous Nancy and just hope this is a one-time surgery without complications. Wish Fletcher luck and send good thoughts his way, he's such a good little guy and I can't help but feel like he doesn't deserve all this. Hopefully, things will go off with nary a hitch and Fletch will only have a badass looking scar on his face as a souvenir (which I think will work wonders for his mystique as the new dog in town, no?). I'll keep y'all posted and to those of you who already know the deal, thanks for the kind words and thoughts.

UTA: Apparently our little mutt has the mystery ailment for the ages and the surgeons (yes, plural) don't know what the deal is. So after inconclusive dental x-rays, they are just going to pull the tooth in question and hope to find the cause of all of this while they are surgically axing out his pre-molar. If you ask me, I'm not thrilled about them yanking a (apparently) perfectly good tooth, but if it is going to fix our little guy, I guess go ahead. Sigh, nothing is ever easy, is it? I'll keep y'all posted...

Cuteness.

So a while back, Swiss, Fletcher and I hopped in the car and drove out east to a different Army post to visit Swiss's eldest son and his family. My eldest step-son (not Kid A), who we will call Kid B just to keep things simple, is married with three girls, all at the tender age of 23 (if you are struggling with the math here, Swiss adopted him when Kid B was 5, and yes, he is only 8 years younger than me). It boggles my mind and I don't know how they do it, but I digress, I'm getting off track...

While we were out there visiting, Fletcher stayed with us at their house and the three girls (who, yes, if you want to get technical are my step-granddaughters... stop laughing and pointing... I know, I'm only 31 and I have 3 grand-daughters. I don't even know what to say to this. But you are totally allowed to ridicule me mercilessly in the comments. 100% fair.) fell in love with our quirky dog. The girls played with him and were always asking where "Fwetcher" was. Tres cute.

So, on to the point of the story. Kid B and his wife bought the girls a new puppy (a cute black lab) and for the first few days they had her... the girls would only call her Fletcher instead of her real name. How cute is that? I think Fletcher would feel so honored! So yeah, big build up for a little story, but it was too cute not to share.

So that is all. And now you all know that at the ripe old age of 29 (when Swiss and I got married) I became a grandmother. Ha! In any event, I'm using this as an excuse to post photos of our cute furry baby who gets  me up too early.

Holiday spirit.

What? You don't have a holiday dog/elf hybrid of your own? Dude, you are totally missing out.

Exhausted.

Fetcher, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

This is totally how I feel. I would love nothing more than to pass out on the floor and sleep, with my ACU clad hubby next to me. Le sigh. Not to be...

Between work running me ragged, the stress of the house selling/3 hour inspection/etc, the general deployment malaise and the late hours I've been putting in (blame the knitting!) I am running on fumes. So blame all that stuff for my lack of posting... I just don't have the gumption to put thoughts to screen, nor do I have a strong enough opinion on anything to warrant a post. Sorry. I think this weekend in DC will be rejuvenating and good for my general being. Let's hope, because this in no way to get through a week.

On Sundays and sanity.

So, good news? I am no longer paranoid or stressed or worried about the deal on the house. If you add up all the tax returns we got because of it, we easily cover the kitchen remodel AND the $1,000 out of pocket. And the peace of mind having this done is totally worth it. So, you know, SQUEE!

This weekend has been great, absolutely nothing on the schedule (other than an outing today to see Julie & Julia with some friends). I knitted, I wrote, I talked to and saw Swiss (YAY web cam dates!), drank my body weight in coffee and took Fletch to the puppy park. Apparently the puppy park is the answer to all things Fletcher. He was mellow as all get out last night, even curling up with me on the sofa which he usually doesn't do because he doesn't really

like the TV. Even better? He slept until 0815 this morning. I would have gone back to bed, but honestly, I was afraid he was dead. Nope, just plum tuckered out. Only now with 10x more energy! I think another trip to the puppy park is in order this morning... yes, God Bless the Puppy Park.

But anyway, I got to take a lot of photos of Fletch at the Park, which was awesome and I even got a bit of a tan. Oh yeah, Swiss got to see Fletch for the first time yesterday too. And it is finally acting like a true Midwestern summer here, 90+ degrees and off the charts humidity. Sweet, right?

This week brings a big presentation at work on Monday, the start of Fletcher's Obedience Classes and packing for the trip to DC... I am beyond stoked to actually meet up with some of my ladies (Army Wife, Neverapartinheart and LAW) and spend some time with a few kick ass MilSpouses. Woo hoo! Okay, I am off to drink more coffee, knit, let the dog in and out of the house 50 more times (we are SO getting a doggie door in our next house!) and hang out with some peeps later. I hope y'all have an awesome Sunday! Thanks for all your support, kind words and general awesomenss this past week! Lurve you all!

Photograph.*

*Note: You must sing this like you were at a Def Leppard concert, though no spandex is required.

So I realized that I "talk" A LOT on this blog. I am one wordy girl. Which I suppose is the point, I mean, how much fun would this blog be to read (assuming that it is fun to read) if I never wrote anything? But for today, I just thought I would pipe down, sort of, and post some photos. So here ye go!

Our house, up for sale. Squee! Ain't she cute? I'm going to be sad to leave her, but if the price is right, I'm guessing I'll get over it! ;)

Noble Sir Fletcher Colbert Schnitzellicker. He looks so handsome here! Don't be fooled!!!

Me... KNITTING! Seriously, I get how to cast on now... that is huge! I suspect the wine had something to do with it. Isn't the color of the yarn purrty? It's Peruvian... ooooh!

4th of July fireworks, as seen from our back porch. The tripod Swiss's parents got me for Christmas did wonders in getting this photo...

My Mom (in the brown) and her best friend playing Guitar Hero. Awesome.

Okay, that's all I have. I hope y'all have a wonderful Saturday and guess what? We are almost half way done with this deployment. HOOAH! :)

Et tu Tuesday?

Meh. Apparently I am still lingering around the outskirts of Suckyville (though I do have some company...). I mean, seriously, are we DONE yet? hahahahahahaha.... NO. Ugh.

Today isn't looking much better than yesterday... though Swiss's "thing" worked out just fine and he is safe & well. Phew. My new dishwasher? Doesn't drain, and the sink still leaks. BIL needs to fix this because I simply don't have the gumption to deal with it. IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER! NOT WORSE!!! The dog is now fluffy and clean... but he won't sleep past 5:30am. Which is killing me slowly. Today I am only doing 2 people's jobs, so that is better I suppose! And did I mention how humid it is here? Yesterday it was 95 with 47% humidity. I was sweating like crazy just standing outside... lucky us we get more of the same today! HOORAY UPPER MIDWEST. And by that I mean not. Decidedly.

But I won't complain any more because I know it isn't that bad. I get to go to Milwaukee this weekend for a Counting Crows concert with the coolest gal I know, Beth, for her bachelorette 'party' (the best thing is that we did the exact same thing for my bachelorette 'party'). And you must understand that by 'party' we mean, go to a great concert, drink overpriced beer, and hang out in general. MAN- WE ARE CRAZY! Right? No? Oh, well. I think we both like it better this way... no phalluses involved, no "Suck for a Buck" and NO tiaras/veils. Perfection!

Okay, I should get to work and stop avoiding it like the plague. Validations make mah brain hurt. Hope y'all have a great Tuesday!

Fletcher Colbert

Fletcher, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

So Swiss and I have been debating what Fletcher's middle name would be. Because all self-respecting dogs have middle names, right?

Anyway, I made a command decision last night (and Swiss doesn't know yet). It is going to be Colbert (silent T). Because a) he is hilarious and awesome, b) it sounds cool, and c) he got so many cool points for going to Iraq and being an advocate for the military and their families. I figure the least I can do is partially name our dog after him. He would be honored, I'm sure.

Oh, and if you didn't get a chance to watch his shows from Al Faw Palace, you need to spend some quality time this weekend catching up. It was awesome and hilarious and, I think, a pretty big deal. So a Tip of the Hat to you Mr. Colbert. Thanks for all you do. And for being so damned funny. And for making me cry when you said the bit about "Honey, I'm comin' home." You rock.

And also, how could anyone NOT love this man? Seriously, that should go above the fireplace...

Happy Friday Everyone!

Puppy paws and eyeballs.

They do not mix. Let me tell you!

Yep, I get to go to the Opthamologist today because Fletch managed to poke/nick/claw my eyeball last night while playing. I'm thinking that my contact lens took the brunt of the assault, but we will know for sure later today. So the moral of the story, in true OSHA fashion, is to wear protective eye wear when roughhousing with your dog on the floor.

And in other news, I am super pumped that there are two (2!) different series going on in the blog-o-sphere about reintegration and post-deployments: SisB over at Veritably Bare and LAW & The Army Wife over at LeftFace. I feel like, though 'far' away still, our reintegration is a final exam that I have no way of studying for... and it ain't open book either. So I am thrilled that these awesome ladies are going to share their experiences, advice, tips and really put themselves out there in such an open and honest way... I'm hoping I can glean some insider tips and at least show up to my final exam slightly prepared! Anyway, go check them out and share your experiences (mostly so I can glom off of your knowledge!)!

That is all I have for today. I do wish it would stop raining though... Happy Wednesday everyone! Off to get some caffeine!!!

UPDATE: The eyeball is fine, though now both eyes are dilated and I am stuck at work with enough fluorescent lighting to land a UFO. Mah eyez! They hurt! Anyway, that is all. Carry on!

Odds and ends.

Aaaah... back to reality after a super swell long weekend at home- ugh. I love Wisconsin. I mean, really love it. It is all hilly and green and there are cows and big red barns and there is cheese and beer and brats and cranberries and Madison and Summerfest and family and friends and cheese and lakes and the Badgers and Brewers and the art museum and cheese. Yeah, I miss it there. Lots and lots.

I spent the weekend hanging out with Mom & Dad, Fletch got to play with Sally & Miller which is always comical... three English Setters in one place is a lot of dog and a lot of energy to contend with. We had a party on Sunday and I got to see all the friends and family from the Milwaukee area and catch up... most of which I haven't seen since our wedding in October. They all got to shout "Hi" to Swiss when he called too... is was awesome because those folks can be LOUD when they want to be!

Monday my Mom and I went down to our little town and watched the Memorial Day parade. It was so sweet and quaint and so quintessentially small-town American. The members of the VFW marched by and I got all misty... I applauded them as they marched by and quickly everyone along the street joined in. I was so proud and honored and humbled in those minutes as the WWII era war planes flew overhead and the local high school marching band played "God Bless America". At that moment, it was all that is right with our country. (Though to see what is wrong with it, read yesterday's post)

On the drive home Monday night, as Fletcher slept in the back seat, I thought long and hard about where Swiss and I will be in the future, about him coming home to Fort X, about retiring and finding a job, about family and priorities and getting on with our post-Army life. It is all so surreal sometimes... it is so liberating to know we can go anywhere we want... but the pull of family and friends is so strong. I'm still not sure how to reconcile these things, or which ones are more important. I know Swiss would go anywhere, and he would never balk if I said that a specific town was where I wanted us to live. He just wants us to be happy. And of course that is what I want too. I just don't know how to find OUR happy medium, not just one happy medium that the other is okay going along with.

There is a JROTC job at the (swanky) Military Academy very near my parents home. Not that it is necessary for me to live uber close to the parental units, but it would be a GREAT job for him (and it is one that he is already interested in). We could find a home 20-30 minutes away, and we would be SO close to the people who help make me, well, me. Beth would be an hour away, we could be near my 91 year old and completely wonderful Grandfather, my parents adore Swiss and are so much fun... all of my family and our friends are such amazing people and all of them are completely in love with Swiss. But I know deep down that all of these things are about ME. Not Swiss, at least not directly. All he wants is to make me happy, get a good job (preferably at a military academy) and have 10 or 20 acres to run around in. But where is that line? Where is the line that we can both stand on, both be happy with? Where is the middle ground that makes us BOTH happy? I don't know. I guess we have to figure that out for ourselves.

Anyway, this got to be reeeeeeeeal long. Sorry. But that is all the news here that is fit to print. Swiss is doing well, we are getting there. So here's to another week down. I'm crabby today, but I think that is only because people are dumb, which I'm afraid can't be helped. ugh.

Fletcher

Fletcher, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

I share this picture because it is the ONLY one I have where he doesn't a) look insane or b) appear as a white & black blur. He actually looks quite distinguished and stately.

Don't be fooled though, in reality he is much more like a toddler on meth, a la Coco.

Home.

So, funny story: I dropped Fletcher off at the kennel on Friday night. I got into the car and had to do everything I could to not cry. And it didn't work. It is official, the Army has made me even worse at goodbyes than I was before... because you know it is all the Army's fault. (I never said the story was funny ha-ha... more like funny odd.)

Fletcher learns to eat an apple.

Fletcher learns to eat an apple., originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

What else is there to say? My dog eats apples and it is hilarious. The end.

One week and a new addition.

ONE WEEK!

Phew! Hooray for me! Hooray for Swiss! Hooray for this whole thing finally getting started... and for being one week closer to it all being done!

It has been one helluva week, that is for certain. Between sending Swiss off, packing up the house, driving cross country and moving back in... all the while missing Swiss more than I have ever missed anyone or anything ever. So much it hurts.

But, I am lucky because a) I have someone I care that much about, b) I've been able to talk to him 4 or 5 times already, c) he is someplace safe and his job is keeping him as far away from harm as I could ever dare hope, and d) I have great friends and family to help get me through this. Oy vey. I'm so very glad this first week is over!

And in other news, we got ourselves a puppy! Swiss and I looked into adopting a dog before he left and we found a sweet dog that looked perfect for us... we just had to hope he would still be available when we (I) got back home. Well, we made the trek up to the Big City and sure enough, he was still there and now he is asleep on the living room floor. Swiss is going to love him!

Meet Fletcher: