At peace.

My Grandpa passed away this morning... he went quickly and did not linger... his breathing became labored and shortly after it stopped and then he was gone. I think we are all relieved that he won't have to go slowly at hospice. He is with his beloved wife Ethel now and we can all start the healing process. You will be missed Grandpa... maybe more than you will ever know.

7 January 1918 - 22 September 2009

Saying Goodbye.

Well, this has been one of the most difficult weekends I've ever experienced. I called my parents just before boarding my flight back home from San Francisco... that is when my Dad told me that my Grandpa suffered a catastrophic stroke the night before. I drove home from the airport, rounded up the dog, clean clothes and drove to my parent's home in the middle of the night.

We arrived at the hospital early Saturday morning and he looked so peaceful. But when the doctor came in, the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. He suffered a catastrophic stroke when a clot that had formed in his heart dislodged and stuck itself in his carotid artery. His entire left hemisphere was injured; speech recognition, the ability to form words, and the control of the right side of his body. Gone... or at least greatly diminished. The man I had grown up with, admired, respected and adored was a shell of his usually vibrant self. And the odds were not in his favor.

After 72 hours of waiting and hoping, we got the final word today... he will not improve... he can't. The damage was too much and the risks for complications were too high. Thankfully he was "awake" a bit more today and I got to see him try to smile. He tried to mumble 'I love you' back to me after I said it to him. He and I had a good 4 minutes together... I didn't say goodbye, I couldn't bring myself to say those words, but I told him how much I loved him, how he was always my favorite, and I held his hand tight. Then I left. And I cried most of the way home.

We, as a family, along with his advance directive have made the exceedingly hard decision to let him die quietly, peacefully, painlessly in hospice. As horrible as that sounds, letting him die, the alternative of a gastric feeding tube and a non-existent "life" in a nursing home, unable to speak, write, or move was never an option for us or him. He deserves better and he went out on top, which is both a blessing and a curse... it is comforting to know he was living a great life and never had to suffer through loosing his faculties, but it is beyond hard to comprehend and stomach that he is so suddenly gone, with no warning and no rhyme or reason. He was Wii bowling with his friends Thursday hours before the stroke... he was loving life and having fun and he knew how much he was loved by all of us. This is the last gift we can give to him, honor his wishes and let him go peacefully, no matter how hard it is and no matter how unready we were to say goodbye.

I feel such a great sense of loss and shock that he will no longer be there for family Sunday dinners, that his joyful demeanor and contagious laughs won't be present at holiday gatherings, that I won't get to play cards with him and playfully scold him when he tried to cheat. I will miss our Friday phone calls and I will miss his kind smile. I am still utterly gobsmacked that all of this has happened... he was the picture of health, 91 years old still living on his own, active, alert, no hints of ill health. And the next day he was, essentially, gone.

Thankfully I have an abundance of wonderful memories, I had the blessing of having him in my life for almost 31 years, I was able to form a unique and special relationship with him... and I secretly think I was his favorite (because he was totally mine!). I remember him letting me do his hair up with ribbons and curlers when I was little. I remember him putting me up on his 6'4" shoulders to take me out to the sandbars on Lake Winnebago. I remember him acting out his clue of "Madonna" one year at Christmas playing charades... that memory is priceless. Mostly, I remember a man who was dedicated to his family, madly in love with his wife, and the kind of fellow who no one could dislike if they tried. I remember his patience, his charm and his good nature. He was a gem, one of a kind, and I was blessed to call him my Grandfather for so, so many wonderful years.

I will miss you like no other Grandpa... you'll always be my favorite and I'll always love you! Go be with your Beloved Ethel and know that we will never, ever forget what a wonderful person you have been, what a kind and generous grandparent you were, and what a strong, loving, parent you were... we will never forget the times we shared and we will never forget you. You will always, always be missed.

Also, Thank You everyone for your kind thoughts, prayers and for those of you who reached out for the first time... you all have no idea how much your kindness has meant to my family and me.

NOTE: Please understand this was a very hard decision for our family and while you may not agree with us, I do not have any desire to hear those opinions, concerns or condemnations now, or ever. Please respect this decision our family has made as a whole and only comment if you have something positive or kind to say. Thanks.

Sigh.

Grandpa, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Just so you all know why I am MIA. My Grandfather, who is one of the most wonderful creatures this world has ever played host to, had a catastrophic stroke and the prognosis is not good. We won't know more until Monday but are preparing for the worst. I am home with my family, where I should be, but feeling utterly helpless and tremendously sad. This was completely out of the blue and I am just not ready to say goodbye to him yet. Please send your prayers our way. Thank you.

Miscellany.

Okay, I don't have anything that is long enough or coherent enough to warrant a 'real' post but here you go:

First off, the Marine Corps League National Convention is in town this week. It is awesome. Why you ask? Well, because I don't think there has been this many MilFolks in town maybe ever. And there is another conference next weekend for the Enlisted Association of the National Guard of the United States National Convention (EANGUS) which is also cool. I love walking to work and seeing clusters of retired Marines sitting outside my Caribou drinking coffee. This morning I saw a particularly jovial groups outside and, as I walked by with my Large Cold Pressed Coffee (yum), I said "Thanks for your service Gentlemen"... they looked momentarily shocked and then one said Thank you in return. It was nice. It made me all gushy inside. I like gushy.

Second, I was scrolling through my flickr account this morning looking for a picture of Swiss to post. There was going to be some great picture of him and I would say how awesome he his and how much I miss him. Instead I started crying. Because I do miss him. I miss him so much. The kind of missing that makes your chest tight, makes you short of breath sometimes and the kind that brings you to tears if you think about it too much. And besides... what's not to miss about this face?

And lastly... yesterday I told my boss that I was leaving. It's a decision I am (and have been) 110% on board with, but it was still hard. This has been my AO. I went to school here, I started my career here, I worked my way up the ladder here. I am very grateful for all of the opportunities I had, all of the things that made me good at what I do, I have learned so much in the six years I have been here. I am beyond grateful for the amazing folks I met... Val, Emily, Shari, Angela. But it is time to go and I feel very calm and certain about this decision. Thankfully my boss was sweet about it, she understood, and she told me she would have done the same thing if she were in my shoes. Which is all I could have asked for. And wholly unlike my boss's boss who has been pouting, making me feel guilty and asking me if I want to be called Tucker A or Tucker T (A=abandoner and T=traitor) ever since I told him. And he's former Navy. Nice, right? Ah well...

So it is starting to feel like this chapter is coming to a close. Which is both sad and liberating. I am beyond excited about moving and being home with Swiss and getting on with our life. I am sad to leave all that I have built for myself here, but what is waiting for me down south? So much better.

Ooh! And one last thing... I've got a few more names for my photography gig over here. Go check them out and let me know what you think!

Honor.

I was going to write a post today about my stepson and brother in law and how family can be a pain in your behind. But then I stopped by Soldiers's Angels Germany's blog and got not only a reality check, but also a healthy dose of all that is right with our country. If only every fallen soldier got a homecoming like this. I cried like a baby (at work, no less) and felt so much pride, so much honor, so in debt to this man and his family... we, as a country, can never repay or replace what they have lost, but the very least we can do is honor them.

Rest is Peace Sgt 1st Class John C. Beale
Riverdale, Georgia, Georgia Army National Guard 48th Infantry Brigade Combat Team.
May we never forget you or the sacrifice you made for us.

WARNING: This video is long, about 12:35, but worth every second. And it WILL make you weep openly, if it doesn't you are a lost cause. It is also worth noting that all of these people came out to honor this soldier after only a small notice was posted in the local newspaper listing the route and approximate time. It makes me so hopeful and thankful that people do still care. Especially when it counts the most.

Perspective.

This story puts my PCS woes into sharp focus, it makes me thankful that I have a PCS to look forward to with my husband, it makes me remember that they are all in danger regardless of what the news tells us, and it makes my heart break. It will make you cry. It will make you grateful for all that you have. It will make all of your own issues seem tiny in comparison. It will help us all remember.

And this story will help the memory and life of Lt. Brian Bradshaw live on, with honor, dignity and grace.

It is good to know that, while the rest of the world was more concerned with the life and death of a pop star, our armed forces were focused on a man that mattered, a man that made a difference, and a man who made this world a better place. Whether the masses knew him or not.

Rest in Peace Lt. Brian Bradshaw. We won't forget you.

Touch.

Day 68 :: touch, originally uploaded by Meredith_Farmer.

This is one of those days when all I can think about is his touch. And not in an X-rated, dirty way... I crave the simplest, most banal, everyday touches. I miss the way my feet find their way under his legs when we sit on the couch. I miss the way he always reaches out to hold my hand. I miss how my hand always finds his leg when we sit next to one another. I miss his hand on the back of my neck. I miss curling up behind him in the middle of the night. I miss his forehead against mine. But mostly I miss his arms around me. I miss how safe and loved I feel when I am in his arms, how all the bad things melt away and how I can feel what we share, what our relationship is all about. And I would do anything just to feel his arms around me right now. Even for just one minute. Sigh.

5 more months.

Curse you Carrie Underwood.

Shame on you! You made me cry at work.

"Just a Dream" (found via GBear at SpouseBuzz)

Get your hankies ready if you dare watch this video...
Now this whole day is shot and I'm an emotional puddle. That's what I get for surfing the net on a break at work. Karma sucks.