Crisis of Identity

First, let me say this: I realize how lucky, fortunate, privileged and blessed I am that I get to bitch about such topics. I know there are folks without jobs, folks who can only dream of not having to work, folks who are dying a little inside because they can't quit their jobs and do something different. I get all of that full stop. I get that, to some, this post will be whiny and you all will have every right to be entirely unsympathetic. But since it is my blog, I'm gonna whine about it anyway. Mmkay? So read on at your own risk.

Phew. Now that's out of the way... here's what's on my mind: I don't know who I am or what my direction is anymore. I mean, I know who I am. I'm me, not too different than the me from a year ago or the year before that. My morals and ideals and quirks are all still intact. It's just the direction, the drive, the confidence, the sureness that are gone. I used to know what I wanted to be, I used to be sure that I could attain it, be successful, I used to have confidence that what I was doing was good, I used to be at peace with my career choices because I was doing important things, I was good at it, and I was making money. Shallow? Maybe, but it got me through. Those things got me through a job I didn't always love, a job that stuffed my creativity in a box, and a job where I had maxed out the career ladder after 6 years in.

Now? Now I am a housewife, contributing nothing to the family (money-wise at least), nothing to this world of any real value, and not sure where to go next. I find myself no longer excited about the prospect of reinventing my career...  no, now I find myself terrified into inaction. I've been a bundle of excuses, half-efforts and hesitation. Worse yet? I find myself wholly without confidence in my ability to be successful at anything other than my previous career. And that is a horrible feeling.

For the past few months, I've been stumbling and bouncing back and forth between the world of academia, the world of laboratories and cubicles, the likely careers, the dream careers, and the do-it-myself road. I am without a map, without direction. I am familiar with all these places, yet none of them are home... I feel like a stranger in all of them. Like I don't belong... well, I belong just enough to fit it, but not enough to become one with that place. Like I could fake it and squeak along, roll with the punches, just get by... but never really settle in. I know that keeping my old career means a solid income, it means fulfilling the promise of the degrees I worked so hard for, it means doing something important with my days. But I also know leaving that behind would open the doors to new careers, art, design, photography- creative ventures that I have always longed for... but, in turn, that might mean little to no income, it might mean no one would buy my work or services, it might mean failure on a spectacular level. I have a degree in another field, but no matter what I do I can't get a job there... even though that is probably what would make me happiest. I could go back to school... but for what? To what end? Would that piece of paper entice my confidence into coming home? Somehow I doubt it. It feels like all I have in front of me are mediocre compromises and opportunities for failure.

I guess I just wish I either had it all to do over again or that I could get my mojo back. Since I know that former won't happen unless a time machine shows up on our stoop in the morning, I guess the best path is to focus on the things I can change. I just don't know how to find my direction, how to find what the best answer is to a problem that truly has no wrong or right. I could be a money-losing artist and Swiss would be happy if I was happy. But I don't know if never bringing money into the household, not being a success would crush my spirit (I suspect it would) and render me unhappy. I fear (read: know) I need those things to feel like I'm doing something with my life. Maybe that is the issue. Maybe my self-worth is too closely tied to conventional measures of success. Maybe the success is me loving what I do... and maybe me loving what I do will translate into my work and bring the conventional trappings of success along with them. Then again, that is probably a bunch of delusional swill.

But it is late, my mind is already too full of half-thoughts, outlandish ideas, and doomsday scenarios... and I'm keeping the dog awake. Perhaps morning will bring clarity, confidence and mojo back my way (can anyone recommend some sort of fairy/elf/sorceress who deals in these things?). Perhaps not. But maybe, just maybe, talking about this and figuring out what the real crux of the issue is will get me there too. In any event, thanks for listening.

Fear of the future.

Sigh. I am sitting here at my computer after a half hour of job/career hunting. I'm left feeling like I need another cup of coffee with some whiskey in it, a hug from Swiss and a pep talk from Beth. Deflated, defeated and hopeless. Dude, what a downer on a Saturday morning, right?

I guess I just feel like I'm at a really strange place as far as starting over goes. I have a four-year degree. I have a certificate degree in my 'speciality'. But I am 31 and don't know what to do with myself. Do I go back to school? Do I suck it up and keep on track with a career I've sort of fallen out of love with (but don't hate). Do I try to re-enter the job market back at entry levels? Can we handle that financially? Sigh, what is a girl to do???

I don't mind the idea of going back to school in theory. I LOATHE the idea of having to take (re-take) the GRE and I don't like the idea of having to spend money on school to make money... that just leaves me out of the working pool for another 2 years. Blech. And honestly, I feel like if I am going to go back to school and do all that work- it better be for something I REALY love. I don't think I can say that about any of the programs (save maybe art school) Ive looked into.

My degree is in environmental biology. My job experience is medical. There are a few careers out there that I think would let me meld those two together, but most want a otherwise useless Master's in Biology to even apply. Seriously, a MS in Biology is as good as Monopoly money. I won't waste the time, money or energy to get one.

And Swiss always asks me what my dream job is. This usually makes me sad because I don't think I have one anymore... maybe independently wealthy traveler/artist/photographer? But that would require winning the lottery. I used to want to be a Veterinarian... but even that doesn't make sense at this juncture in my life. I don't want to teach. I don't want to be a field biologist. I would love to work at a NFP environmental organization, but I don't see how we can afford to do the things we want on those types of low salaries. I would love to advise students about biology careers, but those are the jobs that want the useless MS in Biology. I could try to hack it as a freelance photographer & artist, but I'd feel guilty if Swiss was the only one really contributing to the household income.

If I'm lucky, I might be able to swing a government job in biology, or at least relating to it. And worst case scenario, I stick with my former career track because I'm already well qualified and trained and *should* be able to land a job (providing there is one near us) without too much difficulty. But it just feels weird to be lost in the sea of "What do I want to be when I grow up" again at 31. I did this a couple of times already and, yes, it does suck as much as I remember. Ha!

Anyway, I am sure things will fall into place the closer we get and once we know where Swiss can get good offers. I am sure that there will be better opportunities when I can hone in on a geographical area, and I'm sure that whatever it is I end up doing, it will be okay. I sort of feel like this should be a liberating experience, like pressing the refresh button on your career, but when you don't have direction or deep seated career desires, it really leaves you feeling more listless and angsty. I'm guessing this is the feeling Swiss has told me about when he talks about leaving the Army...

Serendipity or stupid coincidence?

So any of you who have been reading this blog for a while now know that I had no intentions of working after we PCS to Fort X (at least until Swiss retires, then back to work!). Most of this decision was based on the following facts: 1) My career isn't common, so jobs are hard to come by, 2) I'm an Army spouse who will only be in town for about a year, who would hire me? (and I'd hate to contribute to any negative MilSpouse connotations for employers), and 3) I'm not at all sure I want to continue with this job course when Swiss retires and we move someplace new and fabulous. So yeah, that was settled. No work for me, just walks with the dog, cooking great meals and loads of time to paint or practice my photography skillz.

Then I stumbled across something strange today: An opening at Fort X's Medical Center for exactly what I do. And the pay is gooood.

So what is a gal to do? I mean, this feels like a bit of a coup, I have 5+ years of experience (which legally speaking is a big deal for my career) and spousal preference, it is a job I should easily (knock on wood) land. It is an employer that certainly understands the Army lifestyle and won't hold it against me if I have to leave in a year. And it is super close to home. I'd be able to come home every day for lunch with Swiss. I'd be able to contribute a sizable sum of money to our savings. Gaw, just a year of working and saving it all would be at least a 20% deposit on a sweet ass house with land. Or three new cars. Or two new cars and a fat trip to Europe. Do you see where I am going here?

I hadn't planned on working. But this feels like a giant sign from the Big Man upstairs saying, not so gently, "TAKE THIS JOB!" Am I going to miss all the planned free time? Absolutely. But will that extra sum of money in the bank make life post-Army all that much easier? Definitely. So I guess that's the verdict then. ...off to spend some quality time with the applications portion of USA Jobs!

UPDATE: Application successfully sent. And the USA Jobs/Army resume builder wasn't too cumbersome to use (thank you copy & paste!). I also felt like, for the first time, being a military spouse might actually get me something good other than a discount at a hotel. ha! Wish me luck folks! :)

Kid A.

So, I have steered away from family talk for the most part on this here blog, primarily because I don't want to tempt Karma. Also because once you start telling family stories, you sort of have to tell them all in order for the situation to be completely understood. And that is not something I want to do. There is also the small bit about opening up the quirks of your family situation to ridicule- dude, I know we are weird, but it is a whole other thing when a stranger tells you your family is weird, right? Which brings me to Kid A, Swiss's 14 year old son from his previous marriage to P.

Kid A is this sort of entity that bounces in and out of our lives for various reasons on a somewhat constantly quasi-frequent basis. I don't say this to imply that we don't want him in our lives. That isn't the case at all. Its just that he isn't a constant in our home. He is like an earthquake... you don't know when he's coming, but he arrives with a bang and you always know it when he's there. And that is mostly a product of his mother, not him. P has full custody of him, but when Swiss is around and she doesn't feel like being a parent anymore, Kid A ends up with us. Nothing like making the kid feel wanted, right? So he bounces in and out of our lives... in and out... in and out...

Anyway, Kid A showed up at our house again today with his friend. No big deal, but it is the second day in a row after not seeing him for a few months. I like hanging out with him and I like that he is comfortable enough with me and likes me enough to come over when Swiss isn't here. But then he went and said that he wanted to move in with us after Swiss gets home. And I can't help but feel like I'm either getting played or getting set up to have our hearts broken by him one more time.

See, Kid A's mom isn't what you would call a good parent. And I can say this without any personal feeling about her clouding my judgment. She's smoked pot in front of him when he was 10, she's 'tried to kill herself' (a half-assed job mostly for attention), she's let him essentially fail most of Middle School, and she never disciplines him. He's become quite a handful under her tutelage; he lies, he is defiant (beyond the usual teenage norms), he is unmotivated and he doesn't know that being strict (us) is different from being mean (his mom, she's a fighter and a yeller).

But under all of those rather large issues, he is a good kid. He just takes the easy way out, because he always has one. He lies because that is what he has been raised with. And he doesn't try because no one expects or asks him to. He needs structure and discipline and love and someone who is going to push him to be something more than a gas station attendant. He needs us, but living with us is a heck of a lot harder than living with his mom. So when things get tough, he goes back to her. And we have done this 3 times now since Swiss and I have been together. We even tried to put him with his favorite uncle (Swiss's brother) temporarily while Swiss was deployed. Every time it is the same routine, things get hard and he bolts to his mom.

Of course there is a flip side to this. When he does live with his mom he recognizes the differences, he knows that he isn't her top priority. And eventually he realizes that he should have stayed with us, or his uncle. But how many times are we going to get on this carousel? Every time Swiss tries to do the right thing for him, he ends up with his heart broken because Kid A bolts for his half-assed mom whenever you try to do the right things and be a real parent.

So yes, that is the saga of Kid A. He hasn't had it easy, but he has a habit of choosing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons. I can't help but wonder why it would be any different when Swiss comes home this time. And I can't help but wonder if he really would move to Fort X, if he really would go to court so we could get full custody (which is absolutely necessary), if he really does want to live with us. I just don't know what to believe or what to do. So I guess, for now, I'll just settle for being the cool step-mom that he can hang out with when he wants do.

I don't know what else to do.

Deciphering the panic.

So I talked to Swiss today about the looming PCS and all that it implies. And let's be honest, I only talked to him about it because I knew I'd get another phone call tonight that wouldn't involve acronyms or movers. And you know what I realized? I realized that I am not, in fact, panicking about the PCS itself. I am panicking about selling our house.

Yes, the military.com patented OVERKILL worksheets freaked me out, but honestly, I don't think the Army portion of this move is all that scary. Perhaps I will even have lucked out because I'll get to work with the folks at a MUCH smaller post and get some (hopefully) good one-on-one interactions that will make that portion go smoothly and relatively painlessly. I am confident about what I need to do with the housing office at Fort X, mostly because Swiss and I have done it before down there and I am familiar with the staff for our housing community. I am even prepared for the inevitable (again, hopefully) few months spent transitioning between civilian life and Army wife life. I've got like 4 contingency plans for that- all of which are perfectly serviceable options. I've got all of that under control. It is good.

What can't I control? The housing market. Selling this house. Finding a buyer. Yes, this my friends is what is setting off alarms, sirens and putting my panic button on high-alert. DEAR GOD WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO IF THIS HOUSE DOESN'T SELL? I am not going to have a job at Fort X so it would be tough to pay 2 house payments, and I categorically WILL NOT stay here after he comes home. So yeah, we HAVE to sell this sucker. I'm panicking to the point of sending my real estate agent an e-mail this weekend telling her we had to meet. NOW. Yes, the move is nearly 7 months away, but the Holidays are in there and yeah, we've got to get this sucker on the market!

So yes, I have deciphered my panic and at least now I have some good direction. Anyone want to buy a house???

On blogging.

Recently a few friends have been talking about their blogs, if they are going to continue them, what material they want to share, reader reactions, perceptions and whether or not it really is the outlet it was intended to be. Heck, by the looks of it we are losing another MilSpouse blogger too (you probably already know of who I speak). And I can't help but wonder how this all happened... all these questions about what will people think if I write X, maybe I should water it down and write Y, and so on.

I guess I have never really shied away from writing about all of the crappy stuff, mostly because I needed an outlet for these emotions, and I never let myself worry about what other readers thought. I figured if they didn't like it, or thought it too moody or depressing, they could just move on. If they could relate or had something they wanted to share, then pull up a seat and let's talk. Is it fun when someone tells you your opinions are lame? No. Does it make you all fuzzy and warm inside when someone posts a mean or snarky comment? Heck no. Is it a great feeling when someone slanders you on their own blog? Not at all. But also, if someone is willing to behave like that, then I just plain don't care about their opinion. That isn't someone I would ever invite into my life, so just because (s)he may be trolling the interwebz looking for something to take a poke at, I won't let her (or him) stop me from saying what I need to say.

Because after all, regardless of public perception or opinion, this is MY AO, MY blog, MY place to put it all out there. And yes, I am taking that leap because I am putting it out there... literally... rather than journaling or keeping a diary privately. I am welcoming public opinion, but I don't think any of us should have to sugar coat, water down, or hold back on what is going on in our lives just because someone else is reading. I need a place to say that usually in the morning when I get out of the shower and see the message Swiss wrote to me in the steam filled mirror before he left (I ♥ Tucker!) I smile, but today it made me bawl because I can't stand being apart from him, not for this long. I need this place, this blog, because I can't say it at work, I can't say it to someone who doesn't get it, I can't admit how miserable I am sometimes because no one wants to hear that. But if I can vent about it here, somehow I feel better. It isn't always pretty or happy or filled with rainbows & butterflies, but it is real, it is honest and it is what I am feeling.

So I guess the point is that to any of you ladies contemplating stopping for any (or all) of the above reasons... don't do it. Not unless it is what you really want. Say what you need to say, put it out there in all its raw, honest glory, nothing you have to say is trite or harsh or unwelcome- it is YOUR space to say whatever it is you need to say- regardless of what is going on with those around you. And screw anyone who doesn't understand. Because I promise to understand, I promise to listen(read) and I promise to still find you all utterly charming and amazing no matter what you blog about.

The end.

Odds and ends.

Aaaah... back to reality after a super swell long weekend at home- ugh. I love Wisconsin. I mean, really love it. It is all hilly and green and there are cows and big red barns and there is cheese and beer and brats and cranberries and Madison and Summerfest and family and friends and cheese and lakes and the Badgers and Brewers and the art museum and cheese. Yeah, I miss it there. Lots and lots.

I spent the weekend hanging out with Mom & Dad, Fletch got to play with Sally & Miller which is always comical... three English Setters in one place is a lot of dog and a lot of energy to contend with. We had a party on Sunday and I got to see all the friends and family from the Milwaukee area and catch up... most of which I haven't seen since our wedding in October. They all got to shout "Hi" to Swiss when he called too... is was awesome because those folks can be LOUD when they want to be!

Monday my Mom and I went down to our little town and watched the Memorial Day parade. It was so sweet and quaint and so quintessentially small-town American. The members of the VFW marched by and I got all misty... I applauded them as they marched by and quickly everyone along the street joined in. I was so proud and honored and humbled in those minutes as the WWII era war planes flew overhead and the local high school marching band played "God Bless America". At that moment, it was all that is right with our country. (Though to see what is wrong with it, read yesterday's post)

On the drive home Monday night, as Fletcher slept in the back seat, I thought long and hard about where Swiss and I will be in the future, about him coming home to Fort X, about retiring and finding a job, about family and priorities and getting on with our post-Army life. It is all so surreal sometimes... it is so liberating to know we can go anywhere we want... but the pull of family and friends is so strong. I'm still not sure how to reconcile these things, or which ones are more important. I know Swiss would go anywhere, and he would never balk if I said that a specific town was where I wanted us to live. He just wants us to be happy. And of course that is what I want too. I just don't know how to find OUR happy medium, not just one happy medium that the other is okay going along with.

There is a JROTC job at the (swanky) Military Academy very near my parents home. Not that it is necessary for me to live uber close to the parental units, but it would be a GREAT job for him (and it is one that he is already interested in). We could find a home 20-30 minutes away, and we would be SO close to the people who help make me, well, me. Beth would be an hour away, we could be near my 91 year old and completely wonderful Grandfather, my parents adore Swiss and are so much fun... all of my family and our friends are such amazing people and all of them are completely in love with Swiss. But I know deep down that all of these things are about ME. Not Swiss, at least not directly. All he wants is to make me happy, get a good job (preferably at a military academy) and have 10 or 20 acres to run around in. But where is that line? Where is the line that we can both stand on, both be happy with? Where is the middle ground that makes us BOTH happy? I don't know. I guess we have to figure that out for ourselves.

Anyway, this got to be reeeeeeeeal long. Sorry. But that is all the news here that is fit to print. Swiss is doing well, we are getting there. So here's to another week down. I'm crabby today, but I think that is only because people are dumb, which I'm afraid can't be helped. ugh.

An observation.

Once you have officially decided to leave your place of employment (but haven't actually TOLD anyone yet) it is amazing how much less tolerant you are of the ridiculousness. I mean, like, WAY less tolerant. I am ready to pull my hair out.

Can't I just quit now and eat bon-bons, watch Daniel Craig movies and paint?

Wha?

Mortgage?

DAMMIT!


P.S.-I am SO totally in love with Glee!


(and yes, you are welcome for the gratuitous eye-candy.)

Us and our craptastic timing.

So part of our big Post-Army plans include getting Swiss a ROTC or JROTC job. He votes JROTC because the pay is better. I vote ROTC because he is SO good at teaching and would be a huge asset to any program. And college towns are usually way cooler than regular towns. And the other thing is that we are sort of picky about where we retire to (rightfully so in Swiss's case- dude has EARNED it). We have a few states that we think are part of our "wheel-house"... states we are pretty sure we would be happy in, places we aspire to live in, places we hope beyond all hope will have jobs when we are done with Lady Army.

That bit about our craptastic timing? We are about 15 months out. And guess what? Six (6!) of our "Dream" locations popped up on the ROTC job posting site this week. Yeah, we (meaning Swiss) can't apply for them yet because his retirement isn't approved (actually he can't submit the paperwork for another 4 months) and we are too far out right now. Madison? Check. Missoula? Check. Minneapolis? Check. And a few others that are smaller towns, but in states we like. Well, feck.

Feck. Feck. FECK!

Why couldn't they wait a year? Madison? Ohh, it would have been perfect. PERFECT!!!! Twin Cities? Wonderful. Missoula? I love that town. Washington? Utah? Yes please!

What sucks the most is that likely none of these positions will be open by the time Swiss can apply. And that makes me SO sad... it makes me wonder and worry about where we will end up. It makes me sad that we likely won't be able to live in Madison... which was my perfect, make my heart skip a beat, master plan. So yeah, I am sort of mourning that dream's death... lamenting the loss of the "You really CAN have it all" Utopia I had created in my mind for us. le sigh.

I know something else will come along, I know there is an outside chance that this position will stay open. I know everything will work out okay, but, you know, DAMN.

Happy Mother's Day, Military Spouses Day, apologies and ramblings.

First off: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM! You are the best... you were the best mom, the best advocate, the best supporter, the best caregiver and now that I am all growed up... you are my best friend. Thank you for all you have done, thank you for all you do, and I'm sorry we couldn't be together on this day.

Second: Happy Military Spouse's Day (a day late). To all you MilSpouses out there: YOU ROCK. I could go on and on, but you know the gist of it... so keep on truckin' and thanks to all you wonderful MilSpouses who have become so much more... my friends.

Third: Yo, I am sorry I have been much of a Debbie Downer these days. There has been a toxic cloud of PMS, loneliness, uncertainty and blah hanging over me lately and this stage of the deployment falls squarely in between "Look! We are a quarter done!" and "Balls. 5 more months until I get to see him. Seriously?". It isn't a fun place to be. But, I think the winds are changing... hopefully this funk will blow right on out of here soon. So yeah, I am going to give myself a "Do Better" and do just that. Thanks for sticking by me even when I am not what anyone would call fun.

Lastly: You know those times when folks tell you that you, in fact, cannot have it all? Well, I say PISH-POSH! We, Swiss and I, ARE going to have it all. Why? Because I said so, and because I am going to put my mind to it, and dammit things are going to work out for us because (by the time he gets home) these 3 years of long-distance dating, insane 'family' drama, moves, and a deployment have been effing hard and we have earned it. We are going to get great jobs someplace we would like to live, we are going to be near (but not too near) family... one way or another, we are going to have that house we always wanted to build, we will have our 20 acres, we will travel to exotic locales and we WILL have it all. Our happily ever after. So there.

Near... ...far.

Yes, Grover has taken over Tucker & Swiss. You know… near… …far. Remember that? Yeah, Grover was cool. Gaw, haven’t even started this post and I am off track already.

Okay, so my point: lately the hot topic in the house has been the “where” portion of our life post-Army. As in where are we going to get jobs? Where would we want to live? Where do we not want to live? Where can we have/afford/find the happily ever after we’ve decided on (this includes at least 20 acres of land, chicken coops, a garden, a studio for painting, a cozy house built just for us, and ideally the ability to hunt on said 20+ acres for Swiss)? Where, where, where? And all of the where’s lead to all the obligatory issues regarding proximity to family, current jobs versus new careers, autonomy & privacy, etc. Fun, right?

See, currently we (and by we I mean me) live in a mid-sized town in the upper Midwest. Swiss’s ex-wife P lives in the same city which we will call M-town with Swiss’s son. Swiss’s brother also lives in M-town. And 30 minutes down the road in S-ville reside Swiss’s parents. Me? I have a good job and own the house we live in here in M-town, but my family lives 4 hours away in P-town. I am super close with them, they adore Swiss and we don’t get to see them near as much as we would like, which sort of sucks. However, Swiss’s parents, while great folks, like to put monopolies on our time and P usually collapses into her “The Sky is Falling” routine when we are in M-town. Long story short? Even though I have been told by my Boss’s Boss (a retired Naval MD who I adore as far as bosses go) that he would hold my job for me for the year we go back to Fort X after this deployment, Swiss and I aren’t staying in M-town. We decided last night. This is a pretty huge decision for us.

So then what does all of this mean? Do we stay in the mid-west? Do we just find someplace ‘near’ here, but far enough away from everyone to have some privacy, autonomy and space? Do we run ‘far’ away and just do what makes us happy and run for greener pastures (read: Colorado, Utah, Idaho, Washington, Oregon) and hope family follows us out there or is willing to make visits despite the distance?

Granted, all of this is a little premature since we don’t know which jobs (ROTC or JROTC hopefully) will be open to Swiss when he retires. And these decisions are most certainly going to hinge on where we can get hired and therefore paid. But y’all, I am a planner. I cannot sit here after we’ve decided NOT to stay in the place we currently call home and not think about the vast oceans of cities, towns and states that could possibly await us. East? West? Middle? Small town? Big city? Suburbs? Damn, why is this country so effing big??? So, I am super interested to see where y'all plan to settle once military life is over... where and why?

Nerd alert.

aka: The Joy of Science.

Okay, so I am a nerd. I fully and willingly admit this, dare I even say I am proud of it. As a Biology major (Ecology, Evolution & Behavioral Biology to be exact- even nerdier, right?) I spent a fair chunk of college holed up in our science building (Oh Chamberlain, how I miss you and your musty corridors, odd murals and clunky, green elevator) or working on lab assignments. But far and away the coolest thing I ever did in college was meet Jane Goodall. Yes, THE Jane Goodall.

I was taking a primate anthropology course (ugh, the memories, that class was h-a-r-d) my Junior year and she came to our wee college to talk to the whole campus and community about her experiences and her project Roots and Shoots. Our class was lucky enough to get to have lunch with her, chat and get her to sign our books (A Reason for Hope, it is a great read by the way, go read it!). She is so amazing, so wise and patient and kind and adventurous. Passionate. She is a pioneer- for scientists, for women, for educators and advocates. As Stephen Jay Gould said, "Jane Goodall's work with chimpanzees represents one of the Western world's greatest scientific achievements." She is what science is all about... not stuffy professors who sit behind big desks, tenures and grant money. She is 'boots on the ground'... She is the real deal and she is everything that I wanted to be when I was in college.

Anyway, the point of this whole post is that today I saw an article about her at salon.com... I read it and I could feel the excitement building in me again. (By the way, go read it because her story is fascinating as is she... it isn't overly scientific, I promise!) I started thinking about how important all of this is, how important it is to teach future generations about their world, remembering how fun and thrilling science can be... discovering new things, putting the big picture together, understanding how and why our surroundings are like they are. I got excited about science and biology and all the things I loved about my degree in college again.

Yes, I know, the nerd sirens are going off. But here is the point: I am going to quit my job when Swiss comes home and go be a high school biology teacher. I am crazy, I know. But it has always been one of the options on the table... having such a visceral reaction to this article stirred up all sorts of 'emotions' that working in a clinical lab under government regulations had stifled. I can pass on this excitement and passion to at least a few kids, I can share knowledge, be creative and teach kids to think critically, to appreciate their surroundings and not be afraid to challenge the established dogmas. I know there are all sorts of issues that surround teaching and working with high school kids, I'm not naive. But I am excited about this and I have Jane Goodall to thank for it.

Thanks Jane, and happy 75th Birthday!

Compare & contrast.

So Swiss and I talked yesterday and it was great as always (except that one time). I was feeling a little mopey, sitting around our house alone on Valentine's day with a sweet but high-maintenance dog. I seriously don't think I have said "no" that many times in one day ever, but he is still a baby so it is to be understood. Anyway, when I talked to Swiss, I realized that I am the one who has it good. I still get to complain, sure, but he would SO win if we ever had a contest.

See, I may think it sucks to sleep without him next to me, keeping me warm, and it does. But I know that it sucks more to sleep in a dusty, dirty tent with 65 other guys, a cot, zero privacy and no pillow.

I may think it sucks to come home to an empty house and not have someone to curl up with on the sofa. But I know it sucks more to have your days filled with nothing but work, eating and PT... no TV, no internet, no comfy sofa, no home cooked meals.

And I may think it sucks that due to their temporary status I can't send him any mail, I can't send the boatloads of stuff I've already gotten him. But I know that it sucks more to not be able to get mail of any sort from anyone back home.

Anyway, this is me sucking it up and knowing that my soldier has it way worse than me. I put my big girl panties on this morning apparently... anyway, enjoy your Sunday everyone!

Help!!!

Okay... I already talked about the pending Ball. And I really feel like if I am going to do this Ball thing, I am going to look damned good. And not just fancy good... sassy good. I don't want to be the Belle of the Ball, but I don't want to look like everyone else there. That said, I am not wearing a chartreuse taffeta monstrosity either. Sassy, kicky and sexy... but classy too. Thing a merging of Carrie and Charlotte... That's what I am going for. Problem: the town outside of post only has a Dillard's. And I'm guessing lots of the ladies will be shopping there... and the mall here is scary.

So enter the wonderful world of Internet Shopping! ...Shall we? (I just ask that you keep in mind the fact that I am no size 6... I'm an athletic girl and I'm not that tall... but I am not afraid of heights or stilettos! That and I'm NOT going to spend a fortune on this thing...)


Option 1: Ralph Lauren one shoulder black dress... Ooh! It has a ruffle!

Option 2: Continuing the one shoulder theme, only this time in red.

Option 3: Now let's stay on the red one shoulder bandwagon. I kinda really like this one!

Option 4: One shoulder again! Only this time in navy. (but it comes in black as well)

I am sensing a theme... but moving on...

Option 5: Its green! And not one shouldered! I am totally mixing it up now! (but this one comes in red and black too)

Option 6: Heh... back to one shouldered and in black. (This is Swiss' favorite)

Option 7: This one is decidedly different. Strapless (meh.) and patterned.

Option 8: Black with two shoulders (!) and this one may make me look like I have a teensey waist.

and finally... what? I can't help it! I'm indecisive!!! Just ask Swiss!

Option 9: Another black number that will aid in the teensey waist department. And it's kind of sassy with the belt, no?

And on one final note... Apaches are REALLY loud when they fly right over your house not too far above tree level. Just thought you'd like to know.

Okay Ladies... I need your input! Help me find something fabulous for the Ball! Cast your votes now!

Indecision '08.

Not a very clever title, I know, but so very appropriate!

I've been watching twee bits of the DNC on the telly, reading headlines in the news and of course watching the tidal waves of commercials between my intellectually stimulating television shows (hee!). And after all of that, combined with the primaries and the inundation of opinions and talking heads... I still haven't made up my mind.

I have NEVER been this undecided about a Presidential Freaking Election before. Every other time, even when I couldn't vote, I knew who my guy(gal) was. Not this time.

On every issue one is worse than the other... but it isn't ever the same guy. One step forward, one step back. I hate to even admit that I have thought about choosing not to vote. Which I think (maybe naively) is different than forgetting or not caring about the election process. I do care very deeply, I have worked on campaigns before, I understand all that has happened through history to allow us all the right to vote. But that's just it. It is a right. I have a right to vote, but I am not obligated. Especially when I don't feel as though I was given 2 quality candidates. I don't think either one will be GOOD for America. I don't think either have the answer to our economic issues, I don't think either has a viable plan for Iraq/Afghanistan/etc., I don't think either of them can make right what is wrong.

And I find that to be incredibly sad in this day and age. But I haven't made my mind up yet- just please don't hate me if I choose not to vote*.

*Note: I will still vote in the local & state elections... I just may sit out the Presidential part. See! I value my rights!! Promise!

Torn.

So this weekend was my "Bachelorette Party" with my bestest friend Beth. We went down to Milwaukee (Holla!) to see the Counting Crows. It was excellent. Great concert, great seats, great company. We had a stellar time. But in order to have that stellar time with Beth, I had to give up precious time with Swiss. And I loathed it.

It is hard to know that I am not 100% in at times. It is hard to admit that I would rather be with him right now than anywhere else. And it is hard to come to terms with my emotions on this matter. I have done my best to say & do the right things to/for the people I love and care about so they don't think it is any reflection of my feelings towards them. Because it isn't. It's just me.

All I can think about when we aren't together are the many, many upcoming months that he and I will be apart. All the missed moments. All of the of the lonely nights. All of the solitude. All of the distance. And it kills me to lose any more of those moment together.

Time feels like it is moving so quickly now. We are nearing 2 months until the wedding, 3 until the PCS. And every moment feels like it is fleeting. All I want to do is slow things down, to reign it all in so that it stops feeling like it is spiraling out of control. And I just don't know how.

Real Life.

Do you ever pause for a moment and look around at the life you are living and wonder how you got there? I don't even mean all of the military hoop-jumping and PCS-ing and deployment business that has become part of my "real life" since I met Swiss. Oddly that somehow seems more normal than the carry-overs from my life pre-Swiss.

I mean, do you ever look at the career you have and the places your career has put you in and say "How did I end up here?"

I went to school at BigHospital where I now work. I hated it. HATED it. I loathed the town, I had no friends, there was nothing to do... I just wanted out. And when I got out, there was not a good job to be had elsewhere. So I stayed. And somewhere along the way I bought a house. And got a promotion. And thankfully met Swiss (which would never have happened if I left). Somehow 5 years (!?!?!) later I am still here. Living in a town I don't love. Working a job I am ambivalent about at best. But blissfully happy in my personal life. I have a house I adore. A man I love. And stellar friends.

I don't know what to make of all that. There are a lot of cons... but so many good things too. I know one day we will have to leave this town, head for greener PCS-pastures. And then someday Swiss will retire and we will move wherever our whims take us. But for the time being... I can't help but wonder what my life could be like. If I were an artist. If I were an environmental biologist. Where would I live? Would I love my job? Would everything else be as good as it is now? Just things to think about I guess...