A pioneering family.

This is what happens when your husband gets a one-man crosscut saw for his birthday and you stick him in the woods for a few weeks. Family lumber jacking.

But I must confess: It is a ridiculous amount of fun (and a good work out to boot!). Ridiculous!

Anyway, this is Swiss and me with Kid A (who is SO tall now! Crazypants!), Fletcher and my MIL and SIL. Bearded and mustachioed to protect their innocence and anonymity. I'm thinking maybe this could be career plan B? HA!

Cuteness.

So a while back, Swiss, Fletcher and I hopped in the car and drove out east to a different Army post to visit Swiss's eldest son and his family. My eldest step-son (not Kid A), who we will call Kid B just to keep things simple, is married with three girls, all at the tender age of 23 (if you are struggling with the math here, Swiss adopted him when Kid B was 5, and yes, he is only 8 years younger than me). It boggles my mind and I don't know how they do it, but I digress, I'm getting off track...

While we were out there visiting, Fletcher stayed with us at their house and the three girls (who, yes, if you want to get technical are my step-granddaughters... stop laughing and pointing... I know, I'm only 31 and I have 3 grand-daughters. I don't even know what to say to this. But you are totally allowed to ridicule me mercilessly in the comments. 100% fair.) fell in love with our quirky dog. The girls played with him and were always asking where "Fwetcher" was. Tres cute.

So, on to the point of the story. Kid B and his wife bought the girls a new puppy (a cute black lab) and for the first few days they had her... the girls would only call her Fletcher instead of her real name. How cute is that? I think Fletcher would feel so honored! So yeah, big build up for a little story, but it was too cute not to share.

So that is all. And now you all know that at the ripe old age of 29 (when Swiss and I got married) I became a grandmother. Ha! In any event, I'm using this as an excuse to post photos of our cute furry baby who gets  me up too early.

Dad's Day.

Happy Father's day to the best Dad I could have ever hoped for. I miss you and love you Dad!

A house divided.

Well, not really. We aren't really THAT divided. Only on a few key issues (Democrat vs. Republican is the biggest and causes much gnashing of teeth)... but the one that is currently driving me up the wall to a chorus of nails on blackboards? Planner vs. last-minuter. I would be the planner of the bunch. Sadly, most of Swiss's family falls into the last-minuter category.

For example: We have a family wedding to go to in early June. We knew about the wedding, but only got the invites with the final dates late last week (replete with ambiguous times like 'at sunset'... does that mean the ceremony is precisely at the time for sunset listed in moon-phase charts or is there a more specific time everyone knows about except us?). Ummm, its late May. I'm pretty sure our wedding invites were out like 3 month prior to the event. But I digress. Aside from being given zero information about hotels (its an out-of-towner) and spending a few hours of my day hunting down hotels presumably near the wedding location, I've been desperately trying to find a kennel for Mr. Fletcher.

I'm hoping I can garner some sympathy from the pet-owners out there because this was SO much harder than I thought it would be. We had a perfectly WONDERFUL place for him to be boarded at back in Minnesota and it was always just so easy. Here? Some places only take the dogs out 3 times a day. Others are 100% indoors. One makes you get Bordetella vaccinations every 6 months even though Vets only recommend doing it once a year (and naturally we fall outside the 6 month window). And better yet, I found one that doesn't allow any pick-ups on Saturdays OR Sundays? Wha??? Anyway, I finally tracked down a kennel with their acts together and wouldn't you know it. Already booked up. EFF.

Now, if you recall this post, you know that this isn't a new issue for us, the ongoing battle of planner and fly-by-your-seater. And at least this one wasn't either of our faults. But COME ON. I am currently in a holding pattern that will either get us a pricey individual cottage kennel in the next town up (rather inconvenient as this will have Fletcher in the back seat of the Altima with my MIL and I for at least a half hour, yikes!) or just taking him with us (our hotel is pet friendly) but that just sounds like a horrible idea since it is a wedding and you never know how long this stuff lasts and would involve Fletch in the back seat with my MIL and I for 3 hours. Ugh.

I can honestly say that, coming from a family of planners (to the nth degree often), the lack of planning by the other half of family in your life really is enough to drive you to drink. Do any of you suffer from this affliction? How do you manage and how do you get all your planning in without being the anal-retentive one constantly pestering folks for dates? Or do you just say screw it and pester away? What is the best way to avoid these situations short of demanding dates and lots of stomping of the feet? Okay, well I am off to twiddle my thumbs until the doggie cottage place calls me back. Wish me luck folks!

Sad, sappy sack.

Aah, bugger. I hate it when the sad sappies strike. You never know when or where, you don't know what will trigger them, and once they are there... there's no denying them. *sigh*

The other night it was hearing Swiss whistle the way my always Grandpa did... he was a whistler. The kind of whistle that has a subtle warble, vibrato thingy to it. We were watching Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings together and he whistled along with the happy music from the scenes in the Shire and the tears came. Slow and steady... I miss that man so very much. I miss so many things from life PreD (pre-Deployment)...

I miss how life was before then. We had a home, we lived together, my family was whole (mostly), my friends were close, my life was 'normal'... or at least normal as I knew it. So much has changed in the last year plus. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by them all... and here I thought life PostD would be easy and breezy without a care in the world. Ha!

As I heard Swiss whistle... the memory of the phone call in the San Fransisco Airport came flooding back. Calling home to see how the family was doing... hearing from my dad that my grandfather, my last grandparent, had a stroke, a very bad one and was in the hospital. I remember the instant tears that came flooding in, hot and unrelenting. I remember the fear and worry that I might never see him again. I remember thinking that it couldn't possibly be his time yet.

The I remembered rushing home to Wisconsin as soon as I arrived back from the airport. I remember packing up the dog and my dirty clothes and driving through the night just to get home. I remember recounting all the wonderful memories I had of my dear, sweet, kind Grandfather... the laughs, the silliness, the wisdom, the quirks, the love. I remember worrying about my Mom and how hard it was to see him in the hospital, hard to watch him suffer. I remember him trying SO hard to talk, to let us know he loved us. I remember doing everything in my power to keep it together for him. I remember thinking over and over again- it isn't his time. It can't be.

But it was. And it was horrible, and it was one of those times you so desperately want your spouse home (curse you deployment!). So they can help bear the burden of your pain and hurt and loss. So they can be the ones to comfort you and ease you through the rough spots. I remember not wanting to weight my Mom down with my emotions, trying to be strong for her. And I remember looking back, after it was all done, wondering what had happened to the person I was just a short year ago.

Those are the times you look in a mirror and see someone new staring back at you. You see the same face, the same features, but they are almost imperceptibly hardened, reinforced, steeled. You find that you don't react the way you once did to the litany of things that come flying your way. You find that you, even at the age of 31, have changed in a slight but profound way. Maybe it is innocence leaving, maybe it is naiveté vanishing, maybe it is just the toll of sending a loved on to war- the natural wear and tear of such a stressful and all-encompassing thing. But sometimes, I find myself wishing for the person I used to be to come back. I miss the utter honesty of my emotions- I wasn't ever the girl who could keep her feelings in, I cried, I laughed, I reacted with quasi-composed abandon. I miss the innocence I had, about how challenging life really is, I miss the blissfully deluded world I used to live in.

---

But here I sit, a few days removed from my sad sappy night, and I can rejoice in the beauty of the things that have happened to us since then. Swiss and I have been reunited, we are happily and madly in love, we have some new friends, I've appreciated the wondermousness of my 'old' friends, I am still utterly amazed by the incredible people I get to call my family and I can sappily and happily reflect on so many years of memories with the ones who aren't with us anymore. So maybe, just maybe, all this change, all this heartache, all this loss- while still sad and utterly sucktastic- helps me keep my perspective and be appreciative of all that I do have. And it reminds me how lucky I was to have such an amazing man like my Grandpa in my life for so long.

Buckle up kids, its gonna be a bumpy ride.

So, based on the phone calls that have been going on in the past few days, I'm about 99.8% sure Kid A will be residing with us by the 4th of July. (Why the 4th of July you ask? Well, he has to do summer school since he's all but failed math already.) Honestly, my mind is reeling. The screenplay for what is going on in my head would read something like this:

Tucker ( alternately pacing around the house and blogging while eating chocolate and sneaking sips of a Makers Mark & Diet Coke):

Oh my God. I'm not old enough to have a 15 year old. Shit.
I mean, most days we can barely keep our acts together, and now we're responsible for this kid who needs so much help and direction and... OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD!
I'm going to have to hide the liquor. Which sucks because it was so convenient in our cute little bar. Boo.
And no more loud sex (was that TMI?). And no more running around the house in underwear or a towel. Must get a new robe.
Oh, crap. Homework. I thought I finished that 10 years ago. And Math. Ugh. We need to get him a tutor.
But hey, I'll have someone to play Guitar Hero with! And he is a good egg with a great sense of humor.
Oh Lord, I forgot about the hygiene. What is it with teenage boys that make them so adverse to smelling good and not having fungus growing in their teeth? I don't wanna argue about toothbrushing. Really, really.
But, I do get to go to IKEA to pick out some nice stuff to make his room feel homey because that is important and I want him to know that he has a home and we care and he isn't an inconvenience.
Even though he really is.
God, please don't strike me down with lightening for that last one. I'm just being honest. I promise I'll never do anything to make him think that. Promise.
*Sigh* And then there will be the joys of the balancing act between Swiss who, though I love and adore him, tends to take the more militaristic parenting stance (that's how he was raised after all) and me who is more talk-and-hug-it-out. Gah. We aren't even on the same parenting style page. That isn't good.
Oh yeah, I'll get to start up my own shuttle company. Because he ain't getting to drive until he proves we can trust him.
But he gives great hugs and it means the world to me when he tells me he loves me or calls me Mom (which is a TOTAL trip, BTW) and when he talks to his Dad and asks how I am doing.
Though Fletcher is going lurve him. Oh good Lord, those two could seriously burn each other out. That is a good thing on two fronts.
And it would be fun to watch him play football or soccer and root from the stands, watch him go to prom, graduate... I cannot possibly imagine how incredible it will feel when he finally comes around and turns into the human being I (we) always knew he could be.
But mostly, am I ready for this?

Tucker then collapses on the sofa clutching her chocolate and drink, losing herself in hours of HGTV/Food Network to quiet her mind.

End scene.

So yes, this is going to be a monstrous change. Obvs Swiss and I have a metric TON to talk about, house rules to set, expectations of one another, signs we can use to let each other know when they need to re-evaulate, a house to teen-proof, the list goes on. Plus there will be multiple trips back home to get everything taken care of. And there goes the trip we had planned to Banff this summer. But then again, I guess this isn't all about me and us anymore.

Wow. This insta-family business is sort of overwhelming.

Like, whoa.

So sometimes it take a minute or two (and by minute I mean day) for things to really sink in with me. This is usually why I come up with perfectly witty and cutting come-backs about 24 hours after the fact. I'm not slow... it just takes a bit for me to process the things I didn't see coming. But I digress.

Its the Kid A thing that is finally sinking in. Of course it still isn't set in stone... not even close for that matter... but I just realized how awesome (awesome as in holy-hell) of an effect this will have on our life and our choices. I mean, now we have to pick a house because it is in a good school district, not because we just love it. We have to take school commutes into account. We have to up the requirements on a house from 3 bedrooms to 4... plus another bathroom because teenage boys are gross (I say that with love and utter honesty). We have to think about getting a beater car for when he gets his license. And the skyrocketing insurance costs. We have to worry about girlfriends and god-forbid him knocking someone up. We have to consider all this other stuff now... not to mention the mind-numbing responsibility of moulding him into an adult we can all be proud of.

And to be honest? I'm not sure how I feel about it. Overwhelmed? Scared? Intimidated? A teensey bit annoyed (that is the selfish only child coming out)?

Of course we will do the right thing and make our choices with him and his needs in mind. But you know, I was really digging the idea of living in a remote corner of town with quiet and solitude and a cozy house that was all serene and quiet and usually looking pulled-together and lovely. I'm no fool- that picture doesn't meld well with a teenage boy and all raising a kid entails. I have no doubt that we will find the happy medium that will work for all of us. But wow... this change is going to be (if it ever happens) one of those moments in life where everything changes. Life will be defined, at least until he graduates, in terms of BKA and AKA. You know, before Kid A and after Kid A. le sigh.

Anyway, as you can tell I'm relatively pre-occupied with this newest development in our life. We are still on vacation visiting family and I am SO ready to get home to our own bed and I'll even admit that I miss Fort X a little bit. But for tonight, I get to see a dear friend and catch up over wine and watch our husbands bond over marrying such weird women.

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

Swiss got a call from his ex the other day. That usually isn't a good thing, in fact, it is usually a miserable, horrible, no-good, very bad thing. But, against all odds, it was a 'good' phone call. One I never thought we would get...

She told us (him) that she thought Kid A might be better off with us.    *gasp*

This is very different from the previous calls in regards to this matter... those were more of the "I can't handle this anymore- you take him, I don't want him" type. This was genuine concern for how he is going to grow up and that troubles that he might find (or might have already found). A recognition that where he's at might not be the best place for him and that we might be able to offer him something she and her fiance can't. Not better or worse, just different. And maybe all Kid A really needs is a big fat dose of something different (with a large helping of rules to boot).

Now, all of this must be taken with grains of salt the size of your head. Things change quickly with this cast of characters and we thought it best for Kid A to finish out the school year where he is at so that means there is time for moods to change and opinions to reverse. And there are the mountains of legal documents and court dates that will inevitably come, so this isn't something that can (or should) happen over night. There are conversations about HOW this will happen and when and laying out ground rules for everyone involved. It will take a bit of time before all the dust settles on this newest chapter.

And can I just tell you how glad I am we have a few months to figure this out? I mean, talk about a change in lifestyle for us. WOW. Now, please don't take that statement to mean that I'm all self-centered and thinking this is all about me and Swiss. It isn't. It is about Kid A and doing what is best for him at this, arguably, most critical junction in his life. But going from newlywed/newly reunited love-birds living in our own little insulated bubble populated with only our dog and the TV/Internet to responsible parents doing homework and going to soccer games and hosting teenage boys at the house for Guitar Hero or whatever they play now hang outs. Goo! THAT is a huge change no matter which way you slice it.

I am part giddy and part angsty and nervous. Kid A and I have a great relationship and I am excited about the prospect of Swiss and I getting him squared away and helping him get on track. Part of me hopes that a few years with us will save everyone with a stake in this a lot of drama and heartache down the road. But I am scared. Because there will be fights and we will get to be the bad guys and there will be hours of homework and snooping to ensure he isn't lying and- yeah. Wow. A totally different lifestyle.

But like I said, we are a few months away from all this and, again, there is a huge possibility that all of this will fall through. But I find myself thinking where will his room be?, will he like the weird things I cook?, how will we get him to school in the morning?, which school will he go to?, how will he like living on a military post?, and how long will it be bad before it gets better? But, mostly, I find myself wondering if I will be able to be a good mom. I just hope the answer is yes.

My bad.

Ugh- so I promise I haven't gone AWOL. I mean, there are 4 unfinished blog posts in my queue as I type this. Somehow none of them ever got finished... some were too personal, some were too bitchy (re: family), and some I just couldn't get off the ground. Ah well, it happens to all of us I suppose!

Things here have been a not-so-wonderful shade of dramarific... things are swell with Swiss & I, but there have been family issues that have been of the "push my buttons" sort. But -I think- we have worked them all out and we leave tomorrow on a 2-ish week road trip of the south-eastern nether-regions of our country.  There will be beaches, the consumption of seafood and a couple of stops in places I've never been before (New Orleans! Charleston! Memphis!), as well as a few I've known and loved before (Pensacola! Savannah! The Smokey Mountains! Nashville!). I'm looking forward to getting away with the husband and the puppy and spend some time with his family. It will be interesting for sure.

And a side note to our trip and any future pet-assisted trips you might be planning: DO NOT let your more by-the-seat-of-your-pants travel planning hubby (even if he has been suspiciously successful with this method in the past) lovingly shame you out of planning 3+ weeks ahead. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how hard it was to find a hotel in some cities that a) took dogs and b) weren't already booked or ridonkulously expensive. Anal-retentitive always wins in these cases. ALWAYS. And you can cite me on that!

Otherwise we've been moving along on the USS Reintegration. Sure, we have our small hiccups, but mostly things have been good. We talk, we have our few spats, and then we are back to normal. It is swell. Though it has been an adjustment (as I knew it would) from the blissful, bicker-free existence we had post-wedding/honeymoon and pre-deployment. I think that, more than anything, has been the readjustment for us... in a good way. We are normal and we aren't living in a fairy tale (close, though!) and we have normal couple things to work through. Happily, the most stressful part of our relationship is when Fletcher wants/needs to get up every morning and neither of us want to do it. And that ain't too shabby!

Today we got to spend the day at the nice outdoor recreation area on post for a Battalion Organizational Day. Rumor has it there will be a mechanical bull and free food. Now, if there was free beer I would easily be able to say our 'work' Friday is better than yours. Followed with a "nana-nana-boo-boo!" because deep down I'm an 8 year old. But I digress. Sometimes it still trips me out, living on post... yesterday I dropped Swiss off (and picked him up) at a Dining In event and 4 times drove past a unit getting combat equipment handed out to them. I forget that even though Swiss's unit is home, other units are still leaving nearly daily. I forget that there are spouses here gearing up for what we just finished. I hate that I forget that. I hate how insular life can be even on an Army post. You know... it isn't our unit...

But I will write more about that later. Perhaps from a beach somewhere in South Carolina? I have loads I want to say, I just need to get myself in the right head-space to do it. Anyway, there's your update and a real-live blog post not advocating the culling of dumb Americans. Happy Friday Everyone! :)

The ties that bind.

Family is always such an interesting entity. It always seems like such a unifying thing- we all have them and we all (mostly) love them (or most of them). They are the people you grew up with, the folks we spend holidays with, the ones who send us cards on our birthdays. But also? Holy crap... family doesn't always mean the same thing. And I have my marriage to thank for that nugget of wisdom.

Let me back up and give you a frame of reference: I am an only child... my "family" consists of my mom and dad, my grandparents (who have all passed on as of last year), my dad's sister and her husband and my mom's cousin and his wife and daughter- and they all live within 45 minutes of each other. Those are the folks we spend holdiays with, the ones I make a point to see when I am home, the ones who get Christmas cards... they are my family... all 7 of them. Swiss, on the other hand, has his two wonderful parents and is the youngest of six (6!!!). He has two kids and one of them is married with 3 kids and many of his siblings have spouses and kids of their own and they are scattered to the four winds. And if you are doing the math, thats like 17+. Basically, we have completely opposite families. It is nuts.

I think there are times, like right now, that positively boggle my mind when it comes to our families because I just cannot relate no matter how hard I try. I have no idea what it is like to have a sister or brother- that is a bond I just don't understand. I mean, I 'understand' it but I can't relate. I don't get it- but how could I? I have zero frame of reference. Swiss has been doing it his whole life. Also, there is the thing about kids. Swiss has (in case you didn't know) a kid of his own (Kid A) and an adopted kid (from his ex-wife and another random guy) who is 22 and has a family of his own. We don't have kids of our own, so there is this whole thing with his kids that I just don't get either. Most often, with his family, I feel like a little fish in a sea of very big, very confusing fish. Just call me Nemo.

Please don't get me wrong- I "get" it... the family thing. I understand that blood is thicker than water and that when you grow up with a brother by your side- you have a unique and strong bond. And I understand that it is in one's nature to help their kids in any way possible. But I don't know what it feels like to have a brother or a sister or a kid. I don't know what those bonds feel like and how the history you have with them colors (or clouds) your judgement. I just sort of view them as friends you are stuck with. Ha! That and my family tends to be pretty low-maintenance... not much drama, not many demands. Swiss's family, great as they are, don't quiet fit the low-maintenance bill.

Anyway, recently we've been faced with some family issues and it is so hard for me to know how, when, where, or if I should put my two cents in. I mean, I am sort of a part of this family... and all the decisions that effect Swiss effect me too... but still, they aren't MY family. A few of the issues have been financial- so I had NO problem butting in an tossing my 93 cents in... it is our money and I've added my hard earned cash to to coffers so I felt 100% justified in butting in. But it is the more subtle stuff- the whole spending a week of our vacation time and money to go visit family that couldn't even take a weekend off to come to our wedding (or send a card, or RSVP or well, anything). People who don't send us Christmas cards or call to see how Swiss is doing. People who, seemingly, never cared that Swiss was deployed to a war zone for a year.

Swiss does most of the heavy lifting in his family relationships and this is where I start to struggle. Maybe I am too tit-for-tat about it all. Maybe the rules are different for family (I strongly suspect they are). And maybe all it boils down to is that I don't get it because I'm not a mom, I'm not a sister (Unless you count the Beth and her sisters- they adopted me last summer- do you think that counts? Yeah- me neither.), I don't know what it means to be a sibling. So maybe my view on this is just all wrong.

But still, I can't help but wonder what the rules are for extended families. And how do I assert my opinions on family matters (even though I can't relate) when they directly effect us? And how do I do it without coming across like a callous, uncaring bitch? More importantly- when someone on your husband's side of the family drives you bananas with their spectacular displays of stupidity- how do you manage staying in their house for 4 days? 'Cause I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to pull that one off.

Foiled again!

Gah. Well, the good news is that 1) we have a house, 2) we have a cable/internet install date and 3) I was uber-smart and packed a bunch of necessary items for indoor camping. We also have a ship date for our household goods... only it isn't until the New Year. The 4th to be precise... just shy of a week after our move-in date. Boo!

No, it isn't the end of the world, but I just find it amazing that of all the things we as MilSpouses rally against, we seem to find this bogus week-or-more-without-our-stuff thing to be not only normal, but acceptable? Really? Maybe this is the reason people do DITY moves (aside from the extra money)? Maybe this isn't an issue when you choose to live off post? I don't know. But it does seem ridiculous to me that if you are moving into on-post housing, you shouldn't have to wait a week to get your stuff. Like really, what if we had kids? What if we had special needs or something? How is this acceptable and how has no one bitched about this already? (Okay, I assume folks have bitched about this before, but why hasn't someone tried to make a change here that would actually benefit families?)

So, tell me your PCS stories! How long have you had to wait to get your household goods? How easy was the process? How have you coped with being in housing without your stuff (with or sans kidlets)? And what would you do to make this process easier? What are your solutions to make PCS-ing easier on families?

I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this!

Sundays and unemployed life.

So, Swiss is back with the unit and healthy and doing well, which in turn means that I am doing well also. Those nerves and angsty feelings? I can do without those for sure. It is Sunday morning, which is usually a wonderfully lazy day that you relish, and it turns out that when you are unemployed... Sunday is just like any other day. Which is both awesome and weird. But I digress.

We are closing in on the date that I pack up all of our stuff and the mutt and embark on a 20+ hour drive to our new home at Fort X. I am geeked! Tomorrow I get to call our Housing Liaison to get our move in date scheduled, decide (if that's an option) which housing community to reside in, and get an appointment to have our stuff moved in to the new abode. And once I have all of that? Then I'll be able to get a reservation for temporary lodging and all that goodness. I am so geeked. All of this stuff seemed soooooo far away for so long. Now, it is really here! All the stuff I wrote on my calendar so many months ago are popping up left and right. And it is AWESOME.

Otherwise life at home with the parents is good. Strange, but good. I'm looking forward to the holidays and time with friends, but I'm also looking forward to my own bed, my own bathroom and not living out of a suitcase. This Army life of ours has ended up being quite surreal. Ask me if I foresaw myself living with my parents again on my way to a new state sans husband 5 years ago. Ha! I would have laughed you right out of the room.

Anyway, that is enough rambling for now. Off to drink more coffee and watch Food TV with my Mom. Hope you all have a super weekend and were able to watch "How We Get By". I cried a lot knowing Swiss has been through that airport and benefit ted from those wonderful people's generosity and heart at least 3 times now. I'm pretty sure you can donate to their cause too if you have the giving spirit... take care and enjoy your Sunday!

At peace.

My Grandpa passed away this morning... he went quickly and did not linger... his breathing became labored and shortly after it stopped and then he was gone. I think we are all relieved that he won't have to go slowly at hospice. He is with his beloved wife Ethel now and we can all start the healing process. You will be missed Grandpa... maybe more than you will ever know.

7 January 1918 - 22 September 2009

Saying Goodbye.

Well, this has been one of the most difficult weekends I've ever experienced. I called my parents just before boarding my flight back home from San Francisco... that is when my Dad told me that my Grandpa suffered a catastrophic stroke the night before. I drove home from the airport, rounded up the dog, clean clothes and drove to my parent's home in the middle of the night.

We arrived at the hospital early Saturday morning and he looked so peaceful. But when the doctor came in, the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. He suffered a catastrophic stroke when a clot that had formed in his heart dislodged and stuck itself in his carotid artery. His entire left hemisphere was injured; speech recognition, the ability to form words, and the control of the right side of his body. Gone... or at least greatly diminished. The man I had grown up with, admired, respected and adored was a shell of his usually vibrant self. And the odds were not in his favor.

After 72 hours of waiting and hoping, we got the final word today... he will not improve... he can't. The damage was too much and the risks for complications were too high. Thankfully he was "awake" a bit more today and I got to see him try to smile. He tried to mumble 'I love you' back to me after I said it to him. He and I had a good 4 minutes together... I didn't say goodbye, I couldn't bring myself to say those words, but I told him how much I loved him, how he was always my favorite, and I held his hand tight. Then I left. And I cried most of the way home.

We, as a family, along with his advance directive have made the exceedingly hard decision to let him die quietly, peacefully, painlessly in hospice. As horrible as that sounds, letting him die, the alternative of a gastric feeding tube and a non-existent "life" in a nursing home, unable to speak, write, or move was never an option for us or him. He deserves better and he went out on top, which is both a blessing and a curse... it is comforting to know he was living a great life and never had to suffer through loosing his faculties, but it is beyond hard to comprehend and stomach that he is so suddenly gone, with no warning and no rhyme or reason. He was Wii bowling with his friends Thursday hours before the stroke... he was loving life and having fun and he knew how much he was loved by all of us. This is the last gift we can give to him, honor his wishes and let him go peacefully, no matter how hard it is and no matter how unready we were to say goodbye.

I feel such a great sense of loss and shock that he will no longer be there for family Sunday dinners, that his joyful demeanor and contagious laughs won't be present at holiday gatherings, that I won't get to play cards with him and playfully scold him when he tried to cheat. I will miss our Friday phone calls and I will miss his kind smile. I am still utterly gobsmacked that all of this has happened... he was the picture of health, 91 years old still living on his own, active, alert, no hints of ill health. And the next day he was, essentially, gone.

Thankfully I have an abundance of wonderful memories, I had the blessing of having him in my life for almost 31 years, I was able to form a unique and special relationship with him... and I secretly think I was his favorite (because he was totally mine!). I remember him letting me do his hair up with ribbons and curlers when I was little. I remember him putting me up on his 6'4" shoulders to take me out to the sandbars on Lake Winnebago. I remember him acting out his clue of "Madonna" one year at Christmas playing charades... that memory is priceless. Mostly, I remember a man who was dedicated to his family, madly in love with his wife, and the kind of fellow who no one could dislike if they tried. I remember his patience, his charm and his good nature. He was a gem, one of a kind, and I was blessed to call him my Grandfather for so, so many wonderful years.

I will miss you like no other Grandpa... you'll always be my favorite and I'll always love you! Go be with your Beloved Ethel and know that we will never, ever forget what a wonderful person you have been, what a kind and generous grandparent you were, and what a strong, loving, parent you were... we will never forget the times we shared and we will never forget you. You will always, always be missed.

Also, Thank You everyone for your kind thoughts, prayers and for those of you who reached out for the first time... you all have no idea how much your kindness has meant to my family and me.

NOTE: Please understand this was a very hard decision for our family and while you may not agree with us, I do not have any desire to hear those opinions, concerns or condemnations now, or ever. Please respect this decision our family has made as a whole and only comment if you have something positive or kind to say. Thanks.

Sigh.

Grandpa, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Just so you all know why I am MIA. My Grandfather, who is one of the most wonderful creatures this world has ever played host to, had a catastrophic stroke and the prognosis is not good. We won't know more until Monday but are preparing for the worst. I am home with my family, where I should be, but feeling utterly helpless and tremendously sad. This was completely out of the blue and I am just not ready to say goodbye to him yet. Please send your prayers our way. Thank you.

Photograph.*

*Note: You must sing this like you were at a Def Leppard concert, though no spandex is required.

So I realized that I "talk" A LOT on this blog. I am one wordy girl. Which I suppose is the point, I mean, how much fun would this blog be to read (assuming that it is fun to read) if I never wrote anything? But for today, I just thought I would pipe down, sort of, and post some photos. So here ye go!

Our house, up for sale. Squee! Ain't she cute? I'm going to be sad to leave her, but if the price is right, I'm guessing I'll get over it! ;)

Noble Sir Fletcher Colbert Schnitzellicker. He looks so handsome here! Don't be fooled!!!

Me... KNITTING! Seriously, I get how to cast on now... that is huge! I suspect the wine had something to do with it. Isn't the color of the yarn purrty? It's Peruvian... ooooh!

4th of July fireworks, as seen from our back porch. The tripod Swiss's parents got me for Christmas did wonders in getting this photo...

My Mom (in the brown) and her best friend playing Guitar Hero. Awesome.

Okay, that's all I have. I hope y'all have a wonderful Saturday and guess what? We are almost half way done with this deployment. HOOAH! :)

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

This comment arrived under the “Who We Are” section over at LeftFace, but I wanted to put it out there to as wide of an audience as possible. Kristy is trying to get some real changes made and we ALL need to throw our thoughts into the ring. Please think about these questions she poses and get your voice out there!!!

Hi All, My name is Kristy Kaufmann, I’m the Army wife who wrote the op-ed in the Washington Post, “Army Families Under Fire” 5/11/09.

Since the article ran, I’ve been in contact with the White House, the Secretary of the Army, the office of the Sec. of Defense, Army family program directors and some congressmen and senators. It’s taken me 8 years and an op-ed to get in the room and I’m doing everything I possibly can use this “voice” to inject some urgency and reality into these conversations. I am completely unaffiliated and my only agenda is to speak for the many who have no voice and hold our leaders (civilian and military) accountable for doing what they say they are going to do (and doing it effectively).

We (military families) need smart people like you at the ground level who are unafraid to speak honestly and help provide solutions. I wouldn’t have taken the risk to write the article if I didn’t think it could affect significant change, but I’m just one person. I need to hear from others that are “in the trenches”; ours is the voice that has been missing from the conversations where decisions are being made. I have a direct line to the top right now, let’s use this opportunity!

Here are a couple of questions I’ve been asked by non-profits who want to help military families, they want input from the ground level. Please feel free to post them on Left Face, people can also respond directly to me at kkaufmanncool@gmail.com. I will keep all responses anonymous. I’m using “soldier” to represent all military members, regardless of branch.

1. What are the biggest problems facing soldiers (and their families) returning from deployment?
2. What could be done to address these problems?
3. Does the current military family support system work? If not, why?
4. How can veteran’s service organizations help military families?
5. If you had all the power in the world, what would you do to support soldiers and military families?

Thanks! Kristy

Here are my two cents, which I already posted over at LF… I really encourage all of you to either shoot Kristy an e-mail or head over to LeftFace to get your opinions and thoughts heard!

1. I echo LopsidedMom on this one. JOBS! My husband will soon retire and our options are super limited give his MOS and I worry that if he doesn't stay in a career with military ties (ROTC, JROTC) no one will realize his potential, experience and mad skills. The Vet unemployment rate is WAY too high and generally speaking these are folks with loads of potential and a totally untapped resource. We need to fix this!

2. I think the tax incentives are a good start- make it profitable to hire these folks. But again, echoing LopsidedMom, we need to educate employers to their skill sets, abilities, and all the ways these amazing folks can be an asset to their company.

Also, help them recognize that sometimes with folks like this, college degrees aren't necessary, their breadth and wealth of experience should count for something. I can't tell you how many jobs my husband has already looked into and is qualified for SKILL-wise but not Degree-wise. This is an issue for lots of retiring NCO's and we need to create a situation that allows these troops (especially those with 15-20 years in) to get more than entry level jobs. (And the GI Bill isn't the only answer to this, we need to get creative here!)

3. Yes and no. If the FRG (Army) is run by someone who has a) the time, b) the resources and c) the support to do it right, then it works well. But more often than not, this isn't the situation. I agree that these positions all need to be paid and specific goals/tasks need to be laid out so that expectations can be met and folks can be held accountable. These groups need to revolve less around socializing/status making and more around concrete help, support and education.

I also think that the support network for families not in the general vicinity of their installation (ie- went home to live with parents during the deployment, didn't choose to move shortly before a deployment like me, etc) needs to be beefed up and the DoD or someone needs to be more creative about creating support networks for these folks. I would love to see someone create databases (I know this is a huge task) that would allow military families of all branches reach out and find real tangible support in their location. I wouldn't care if the only folks I had in town for support were Navy or Air Force (that's not a dig!)... just having actual people to meet with when you are geographically separated from your Unit would be AMAZING. This is an area that is sorely lacking!

4. I think that having lists of trusted service providers would be a great start. Who can you trust to do yard work? What is a reliable mechanic that won't try to take advantage of me? Who does good home repair that, again, won't fleece me? I also think that possibly Veteran organizations could also serve as a resource for finding other military families in your area. They could possibly host meet-ups open to all branches? But I do agree that this should be a two way street. If Vet's organizations and MilFamilies relied on each other, there could be A LOT of amazing work accomplished!

5. At the risk of sounding like a Miss America contestant, I agree with trying to bring peace to fruition and bring our troops home. But in all seriousness. I would stop using our troops as worldwide peace-makers. I would try to rely more on UN forces and support/augment these groups for situations like Iraq, etc. I would use our troops in more of a preventative role (rather than reactionary and risk becoming the go-to guys in everyone else's time of need), focusing on intelligence, homeland security, keeping the US safe and working WITH allies and multi-national forces in supporting roles instead of taking over. If conflict wasn't avoidable, I would focus on utilizing our forces efficiently and evenly, paying close attention to OpTempo and staying within our means (both at home and in theatre).

I would put real money, time and effort into fixing the woefully inadequate systems in place to deal with PTSD, suicides, substance abuse and relationship/family issues. I would also beef up the school and support programs for military kids... more after school programs, more counselors, more funding for special events. Anything to make deployments easier on kids. And yes, free college to Gold Star kids for sure.

Lastly, I totally second LopsidedMom on requiring our elected officials to wear 80lbs of combat gear and go to Birkram Yoga. But only after they had to do some Basic Training and get buzz cuts.

Okay folks, now it is your turn. Go get your opinions heard!!! Double Time!!!

Mah Mom.

This is my Mom. She is teh coolest.
Today is her Birthday! YAY! So, happy Birthday Mom, you are the best friend I could have ever hoped for you and you are the awesomest Mom ever! I am so lucky! Swiss thinks he's lucky to have you for a 2nd Mom too, plus he thinks you are pretty funny, even though this photograph in no way supports that theory. So here's to you and here's to many, many more!

Happy Birthday Lola!

Kid A.

So, I have steered away from family talk for the most part on this here blog, primarily because I don't want to tempt Karma. Also because once you start telling family stories, you sort of have to tell them all in order for the situation to be completely understood. And that is not something I want to do. There is also the small bit about opening up the quirks of your family situation to ridicule- dude, I know we are weird, but it is a whole other thing when a stranger tells you your family is weird, right? Which brings me to Kid A, Swiss's 14 year old son from his previous marriage to P.

Kid A is this sort of entity that bounces in and out of our lives for various reasons on a somewhat constantly quasi-frequent basis. I don't say this to imply that we don't want him in our lives. That isn't the case at all. Its just that he isn't a constant in our home. He is like an earthquake... you don't know when he's coming, but he arrives with a bang and you always know it when he's there. And that is mostly a product of his mother, not him. P has full custody of him, but when Swiss is around and she doesn't feel like being a parent anymore, Kid A ends up with us. Nothing like making the kid feel wanted, right? So he bounces in and out of our lives... in and out... in and out...

Anyway, Kid A showed up at our house again today with his friend. No big deal, but it is the second day in a row after not seeing him for a few months. I like hanging out with him and I like that he is comfortable enough with me and likes me enough to come over when Swiss isn't here. But then he went and said that he wanted to move in with us after Swiss gets home. And I can't help but feel like I'm either getting played or getting set up to have our hearts broken by him one more time.

See, Kid A's mom isn't what you would call a good parent. And I can say this without any personal feeling about her clouding my judgment. She's smoked pot in front of him when he was 10, she's 'tried to kill herself' (a half-assed job mostly for attention), she's let him essentially fail most of Middle School, and she never disciplines him. He's become quite a handful under her tutelage; he lies, he is defiant (beyond the usual teenage norms), he is unmotivated and he doesn't know that being strict (us) is different from being mean (his mom, she's a fighter and a yeller).

But under all of those rather large issues, he is a good kid. He just takes the easy way out, because he always has one. He lies because that is what he has been raised with. And he doesn't try because no one expects or asks him to. He needs structure and discipline and love and someone who is going to push him to be something more than a gas station attendant. He needs us, but living with us is a heck of a lot harder than living with his mom. So when things get tough, he goes back to her. And we have done this 3 times now since Swiss and I have been together. We even tried to put him with his favorite uncle (Swiss's brother) temporarily while Swiss was deployed. Every time it is the same routine, things get hard and he bolts to his mom.

Of course there is a flip side to this. When he does live with his mom he recognizes the differences, he knows that he isn't her top priority. And eventually he realizes that he should have stayed with us, or his uncle. But how many times are we going to get on this carousel? Every time Swiss tries to do the right thing for him, he ends up with his heart broken because Kid A bolts for his half-assed mom whenever you try to do the right things and be a real parent.

So yes, that is the saga of Kid A. He hasn't had it easy, but he has a habit of choosing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons. I can't help but wonder why it would be any different when Swiss comes home this time. And I can't help but wonder if he really would move to Fort X, if he really would go to court so we could get full custody (which is absolutely necessary), if he really does want to live with us. I just don't know what to believe or what to do. So I guess, for now, I'll just settle for being the cool step-mom that he can hang out with when he wants do.

I don't know what else to do.

Hijacked.

So I envisioned my Saturday evening going as such: Watch movies, drink wine, talk to Swiss, get to bed early-ish.

This is how the night went: Sit down to watch movie, drink wine, answer phone to talk to Swiss only moments before the doorbell rings (?), answer door and see Swiss Jr. (must come up with better name for him- let's go with Kid A) and his friend standing there. Let Swiss talk to Kid A, entertain 14 year old kid I've only met once in the meantime, have abbreviated conversation with Swiss and then proceed to watch the boys play an hour of Guitar Hero (not to be confused with Sitar Hero though).

So yeah, my night was hijacked by two teenage boys. And Guitar Hero.

And can I just say that, while great to see Kid A because it has been months, it is sort of odd to have two 14 year old boys just show up on your doorstep at 9:35pm on a Saturday night. Am I wrong? And they WALKED here. (Granted, his mom P lives only 3 streets up from me, hence our overwhelming urge to not stay here). Anyway, that was my very odd Saturday night.

Oh, and I got screwed out of my evening phone call with Swiss. THAT SUCKS. But, you know, I did get to watch about 15 different GH songs played on Expert. That will mess with your head, for cereals. The end.