Flashbacks.

I posted this at my new blog, but I don't know how many of you are over there reading and I thought maybe my MilSpouse readers might appreciate this one, so I posted it here too. That is all!

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So today I was paging through an old pre-Christmas issue of People (one of the ones with Michael Douglas on the cover) while waiting for my chicken curry lunch to heat up in the microwave. Tucked in the back was an article about young widows. While not immediately apparent, it was actually an article about young military widows… how they found out their husbands were killed, how they have bonded over shared experiences, how they have overcome and honored their husband’s memories, etc. I casually flipped through the article and looked at the photographs. It was an article I should have been compelled to read, but I found myself intentionally NOT reading it. Like I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And then I started to feel it. That twisting, churning, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. The rush of panic and fear creeping up your spine and worming its way into your consciousness.

You all know what I mean, right?

That is when I realized that I COULDN’T read it. It was too close to home. Still. It was like a low-level PTSD moment for a MilSpouse. Even here, in South Dakota, safely retired from the Army, with no looming deployment… it still cut to the quick. I couldn’t bring myself to read their stories. It was like peering into the rabbit hole… I was afraid that if I got too close I would tumble in. All those familiar and terrifying feelings coming back to toy with me and mess with my head.

No thanks.

I think the thing about this "episode" is that I am amazed how strongly it hit me, even with all the miles and paperwork separating us from our former military life. It was like I was there, back in the midst of the deployment (or pre-deployment workup/misery/anticipatory grief period) in one instant. I mean, even the physical response was there. It was instantaneous. And it blew me away. I wasn’t expecting that while passing the time in the lunchroom, you know?

I think maybe it hit me so hard, even now, because the anticipatory grief period leading up to the deployment was nothing short of epic for me. Newly married, facing the questions, uncertainty and fear of a deployment (while I realized this isn’t new or special to MilFolks, it does make for a particularly noxious combination of emotions). Knowing he got shot the last time, knowing he was the kind of soldier that wouldn’t back away from a fight, but run headlong into it. Dealing with my first deployment on top of dealing with the bliss/confusion of being freshly wed. Being absolutely terrified of loosing it all before we got to really enjoy it. Having the fear and worry and depression wrap its arms around me and squeeze so tight that sometimes it was hard to breathe. Literally. Not being able to stop crying. Not being able to just STOP imagining the black sedan in front of the house, the knock on the door, the Class A’s standing in front of me. I couldn’t stop living out my worst fears in my head. Not being able to think about the deployment, the war, the Army, my husband it without launching into a mostly silent and internal meltdown. (If you can’t tell, I didn’t talk to many folks about this while I was going through it. Actually, I don’t know that I talked to anyone about it like I just have, here on this blog. Huh. But strangely, the pre-deployment portion of the program was worse than the actual deployment in a lot of ways. Sounds like a blog post for another time, no?)

Anyway, maybe the point is that your biggest fear and/or those life-altering experiences, whatever they may be, stay with you. You don’t really get over those things, not entirely. They linger in the back of your mind and rush forward to elicit the same responses as they did years ago whenever the triggers arise*. Even if the trigger is an article in People magazine. I think this is especially true when it is a fear that you have to confront so regularly and earnestly, like we MilSpouses do. And maybe part of it is that loosing your spouse prematurely is the sort of fear that, once out of the military, isn’t necessarily moot. It is a possibility that we have confronted time and time again, a possibility that really isn’t that unlikely when you are sending your husband off to war. Maybe that is why it stays with me. Then again, maybe it is just because dealing with a deployment was something that rather profoundly affected every part of me, it shaped me in more ways than I can count and who I am now is in large part to the (nearly) 2 years that surrounded it. Perhaps confronting it so early in life, when most couples are more worried about mortgages and daycare, makes the effects even more lasting. I’m not sure. 

I just know that just because the retirement papers are signed doesn’t mean the feelings go away. It is now clear as day to me that our stint in the Army will have an indelible mark on both of us, in different ways for sure, but the mark of the Army will always be there. Always.

*Sounds a lot like PTSD, right? But don’t be mistake my point; I’m not equating my MilSpouse drama with that of combat troops. Apples and oranges for sure.

On (to) Wisconsin!

So, Swiss, Fletcher and I are bound for Wisconsin today. After two-ish weeks hanging out with his family in the great (and snowy) state of Minnesota, we are off for family bonding on my side of the Mississippi over cheese and beer. 

I am already starting to try (emphasis on "try") to get myself mentally prepared for going back to work. Thank the heavens above that my first week back is a short one! It will, however, be awesome to have Swiss at home manning the house and all of the stuff I loathe about moving. Calling the electric company, the cable folks, getting internet, getting our mail set up and working with the Transportation Office to get out stuff ASAP. 

But, lets not hitch the horse to the cart just yet. We've got 2-ish weeks of vacation left and I'm going to enjoy it. Because once its over? I'll be joining the ranks of your poor working stiffs (I kid! I kid!), logging in my 40+ a week. Boo his! 

So, go enjoy your weekend everyone and know that someone in Wisconsin <3's you!

Finished!

So, I finished the orange and aqua quilt and I lurve it! The straight line quilting took fooooorever and it isn't perfect by any means (mostly because I haven't gotten around to purchasing a walking foot yet- for shame!) but I think that makes me love it even more... it really feels handmade and has a sort of organic vibe from the imperfections. I did the bobbin thread in orange so the back has a contrasting stitch that I am so in love with, I think that gives it a modern feel too. I'm gonna be so thrilled to give this away one day!

Anyway, on with the photos!!!

Quilted for your comfort.

So I've been a busy sewing bee lately. These quilts are fun to make... something about making something so utilitarian and comforting with you own two hands. In any regard, I think I am getting better, though not 'good' by any measure. In any event, here's the one I just finished...

And here are the projects in the queue...
For my Mom (Christmas)

For my MIL (again, Christmas)

For us (with the fabric I won over at FabricWorm- so lucky and so excited!!!)

For one of my lucky friends who gets preggers with a girl first. Its a stash quilt... make it and keep it til it is needed!

This is the one I am working on pining and quilting now... so yes, off I go to pin until my fingers cramp and quilt until my back aches!

Crisis of Identity

First, let me say this: I realize how lucky, fortunate, privileged and blessed I am that I get to bitch about such topics. I know there are folks without jobs, folks who can only dream of not having to work, folks who are dying a little inside because they can't quit their jobs and do something different. I get all of that full stop. I get that, to some, this post will be whiny and you all will have every right to be entirely unsympathetic. But since it is my blog, I'm gonna whine about it anyway. Mmkay? So read on at your own risk.

Phew. Now that's out of the way... here's what's on my mind: I don't know who I am or what my direction is anymore. I mean, I know who I am. I'm me, not too different than the me from a year ago or the year before that. My morals and ideals and quirks are all still intact. It's just the direction, the drive, the confidence, the sureness that are gone. I used to know what I wanted to be, I used to be sure that I could attain it, be successful, I used to have confidence that what I was doing was good, I used to be at peace with my career choices because I was doing important things, I was good at it, and I was making money. Shallow? Maybe, but it got me through. Those things got me through a job I didn't always love, a job that stuffed my creativity in a box, and a job where I had maxed out the career ladder after 6 years in.

Now? Now I am a housewife, contributing nothing to the family (money-wise at least), nothing to this world of any real value, and not sure where to go next. I find myself no longer excited about the prospect of reinventing my career...  no, now I find myself terrified into inaction. I've been a bundle of excuses, half-efforts and hesitation. Worse yet? I find myself wholly without confidence in my ability to be successful at anything other than my previous career. And that is a horrible feeling.

For the past few months, I've been stumbling and bouncing back and forth between the world of academia, the world of laboratories and cubicles, the likely careers, the dream careers, and the do-it-myself road. I am without a map, without direction. I am familiar with all these places, yet none of them are home... I feel like a stranger in all of them. Like I don't belong... well, I belong just enough to fit it, but not enough to become one with that place. Like I could fake it and squeak along, roll with the punches, just get by... but never really settle in. I know that keeping my old career means a solid income, it means fulfilling the promise of the degrees I worked so hard for, it means doing something important with my days. But I also know leaving that behind would open the doors to new careers, art, design, photography- creative ventures that I have always longed for... but, in turn, that might mean little to no income, it might mean no one would buy my work or services, it might mean failure on a spectacular level. I have a degree in another field, but no matter what I do I can't get a job there... even though that is probably what would make me happiest. I could go back to school... but for what? To what end? Would that piece of paper entice my confidence into coming home? Somehow I doubt it. It feels like all I have in front of me are mediocre compromises and opportunities for failure.

I guess I just wish I either had it all to do over again or that I could get my mojo back. Since I know that former won't happen unless a time machine shows up on our stoop in the morning, I guess the best path is to focus on the things I can change. I just don't know how to find my direction, how to find what the best answer is to a problem that truly has no wrong or right. I could be a money-losing artist and Swiss would be happy if I was happy. But I don't know if never bringing money into the household, not being a success would crush my spirit (I suspect it would) and render me unhappy. I fear (read: know) I need those things to feel like I'm doing something with my life. Maybe that is the issue. Maybe my self-worth is too closely tied to conventional measures of success. Maybe the success is me loving what I do... and maybe me loving what I do will translate into my work and bring the conventional trappings of success along with them. Then again, that is probably a bunch of delusional swill.

But it is late, my mind is already too full of half-thoughts, outlandish ideas, and doomsday scenarios... and I'm keeping the dog awake. Perhaps morning will bring clarity, confidence and mojo back my way (can anyone recommend some sort of fairy/elf/sorceress who deals in these things?). Perhaps not. But maybe, just maybe, talking about this and figuring out what the real crux of the issue is will get me there too. In any event, thanks for listening.

Camera strap cover.

Camera strap cover, originally uploaded by Awesomesauce Studios.

Well, since I got all existential on you about being a housewife, I thought I'd post some more pics of the fruits of my labor... or what I've been doing when I haven't been doing the dishes. I got the tutorial from Cluck, Cluck, Sew and it worked like a dream! I just slid it over the existing strap, though there are ways to replace the old strap all-together (Go LopsidedMom!). Anyway, it was fun and I knocked it out in an hour, between laundry, cooking AND dishes. Suck on that housewifery!!!

Stay at home wifery.

Aaah, the perils of being a non-working former working gal. Let me first say that I 100% recognize how incredibly lucky I am to be in a position where I don't have to work and our household income is still plenty sufficient to live the life we like. So yes, I am in full understanding of the fact that I am lucky that I get to whine about such inane things. Hopefully that will prevent your eyes from rolling back so hard they get stuck...

Okay, back on point. Stay at home wifery. I find this to be an entirely odd 'profession' where I am constantly negotiating the line between lazy-useless-good-for-nothing and industrious-June-Cleaver-uberhousewife. Neither are a good thing, I don't want to be the wife who stays at home all day and still lives in a pig sty with no clean underwear and 2 weeks worth of dishes rotting away in the sink. I also don't want to indulge my OCD tendencies and become the sort of housewife that has nary a throw pillow out of place and no traceable specs of unruly dust floating through the house. Swiss isn't fond of either incarnation and let's be real here, neither of those extremes are likely to happen anyway.

What I'm having trouble with is the day to day choices. If there are dishes in the sink (dishes are still Swiss's chore because I loathe them and Swiss loves me) and I choose to quilt or paint or blog, am I being a bad housewife? Should housework and cooking and laundry always trump the multitude of other ways I could spend my days? How do I deal with the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I'm being lazy when I suggest going out to dinner rather than cooking? How do I reconcile the days when I just cannot bring myself to vacuum or dust or put away the laundry for the nth day in a row so I watch the Food Network and HGTV and blog? And just how ridiculous is it that I have this inner turmoil over being a good housewife when Swiss could care less?

See, I am used to having tasks to do, I am used to work, I am used to having to show some sort of proof of my accomplishments on any given day. To me, if the house isn't reasonably fabulous, I must have been slacking because an imperfect house means I can't point to the tangible things I've done. A quilt isn't what stay at home wives do, cleaning is. A witty blog post only means I wasn't spending my time buffing the linoleum. Ridiculous, right?

I am mostly good at moving past this silly little ear bug, but man, there are days when I feel like doing the things I want to do with this gift of a year off is nothing short of selfish and when Swiss has to go to work all day, the least I can do is have a spotless house for him to come home to. Even though he doesn't care. Seriously, someone please slap me! Thankfully this is one of my quirks that I alone have to deal with, and it is one that is *usually* easy enough to move past. Because when you have 15 different sewing projects gnawing away at your brain, the vacuuming can always wait. Right?

My quest for creativity... part quilts.

DUDES! I made a quilt. Actually, two of them. QUILTS! Like sewing and math and it actually came together as something rectangular (mostly) in shape and perfectly wonderful for snuggling in. Can you tell I am super proud of myself? See, I am no sewer, I never had a whole lot of direction/instruction, so I mostly did this in a learn-as-you-go process and I am beyond geeked that it actually worked. So geeked, in fact, that I quickly started up some baby quilts for a pregnant friend I'll be visiting this fall. Anywhoodles, on to the photographic evidence that I'm not making this stuff up!

First up- my quilt. I made it from all my old college tees that I don't wear anymore but just can't bear to part with (I'm hopelessly sentimental and secretly a total pack-rat). And can I just say that jersey is hard to work with? But it still worked out well and the back is flannel so it is super awesome to curl up with. Also, its big enough for two people to snuggle on the couch under... and no fear of your toes ending up cold because the blanket is too skimpy. So, yes HOORAY for me!

Also, Fletcher approves of the blanket. This is his highest form of compliment.

Next, the baby quilt! I LOVED doing this one. Mostly because it was smaller and inordinately easier to manage on my non-quilt specific sewing machine. Also, I 'discovered' the disappearing 9s pattern idea thingy online... fabulous! And easier than any sort of quilting has any right to be. The hardest part was finding boy material that wasn't cammo, tractor, or sports team based. But I am rather pleased with the outcome!

Here's the final beauty shot... just before I put on the dreaded binding (my least favorite part).

Okay, so that concludes my show-and-tell today. I can honestly say that all this creativity DOING is doing me a world of good. Plus, it feels a lot better to walk away from a day with this as your work rather than piles of laundry and vacuumed floors!

Sad, sappy sack.

Aah, bugger. I hate it when the sad sappies strike. You never know when or where, you don't know what will trigger them, and once they are there... there's no denying them. *sigh*

The other night it was hearing Swiss whistle the way my always Grandpa did... he was a whistler. The kind of whistle that has a subtle warble, vibrato thingy to it. We were watching Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings together and he whistled along with the happy music from the scenes in the Shire and the tears came. Slow and steady... I miss that man so very much. I miss so many things from life PreD (pre-Deployment)...

I miss how life was before then. We had a home, we lived together, my family was whole (mostly), my friends were close, my life was 'normal'... or at least normal as I knew it. So much has changed in the last year plus. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by them all... and here I thought life PostD would be easy and breezy without a care in the world. Ha!

As I heard Swiss whistle... the memory of the phone call in the San Fransisco Airport came flooding back. Calling home to see how the family was doing... hearing from my dad that my grandfather, my last grandparent, had a stroke, a very bad one and was in the hospital. I remember the instant tears that came flooding in, hot and unrelenting. I remember the fear and worry that I might never see him again. I remember thinking that it couldn't possibly be his time yet.

The I remembered rushing home to Wisconsin as soon as I arrived back from the airport. I remember packing up the dog and my dirty clothes and driving through the night just to get home. I remember recounting all the wonderful memories I had of my dear, sweet, kind Grandfather... the laughs, the silliness, the wisdom, the quirks, the love. I remember worrying about my Mom and how hard it was to see him in the hospital, hard to watch him suffer. I remember him trying SO hard to talk, to let us know he loved us. I remember doing everything in my power to keep it together for him. I remember thinking over and over again- it isn't his time. It can't be.

But it was. And it was horrible, and it was one of those times you so desperately want your spouse home (curse you deployment!). So they can help bear the burden of your pain and hurt and loss. So they can be the ones to comfort you and ease you through the rough spots. I remember not wanting to weight my Mom down with my emotions, trying to be strong for her. And I remember looking back, after it was all done, wondering what had happened to the person I was just a short year ago.

Those are the times you look in a mirror and see someone new staring back at you. You see the same face, the same features, but they are almost imperceptibly hardened, reinforced, steeled. You find that you don't react the way you once did to the litany of things that come flying your way. You find that you, even at the age of 31, have changed in a slight but profound way. Maybe it is innocence leaving, maybe it is naiveté vanishing, maybe it is just the toll of sending a loved on to war- the natural wear and tear of such a stressful and all-encompassing thing. But sometimes, I find myself wishing for the person I used to be to come back. I miss the utter honesty of my emotions- I wasn't ever the girl who could keep her feelings in, I cried, I laughed, I reacted with quasi-composed abandon. I miss the innocence I had, about how challenging life really is, I miss the blissfully deluded world I used to live in.

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But here I sit, a few days removed from my sad sappy night, and I can rejoice in the beauty of the things that have happened to us since then. Swiss and I have been reunited, we are happily and madly in love, we have some new friends, I've appreciated the wondermousness of my 'old' friends, I am still utterly amazed by the incredible people I get to call my family and I can sappily and happily reflect on so many years of memories with the ones who aren't with us anymore. So maybe, just maybe, all this change, all this heartache, all this loss- while still sad and utterly sucktastic- helps me keep my perspective and be appreciative of all that I do have. And it reminds me how lucky I was to have such an amazing man like my Grandpa in my life for so long.

Musings.

-I love that Crystal Renn is 5'9" and a size twelve and therefore is "plus sized". Thank you Fashion World for simultaneously making spectacularly beautiful clothes and diminishing my positive self-image. As Uncle Karl says, "...no one wants to see round women." Boo hiss. But three cheers for Crystal- for being both fabulously gorgeous and landing huge modeling jobs as a woman who actually eats food.


-If I see one more Reebok EasyTone BUTTS! commercial I might vomit. I get it. Your shoes will make my butt look like Heidi Klum's. HOWEVER. Even if this was true (which, it isn't because you and I don't have her superior German engineered model genes)... it doesn't mean I would then start walking around in hot pants, bun huggers, or shortie shorts showing my cheek cleavage to the entire neighborhood, mmkay? Also, BTW, I am a woman, you are selling your product to me, please make it look and feel less like a film of a Maxim photo shoot. Kthanksbai.


-I am currently reading "Shop Class as Soulcraft" by Matthew Crawford. I love it. I will do a review of sorts in the coming days, but MAN, talk about a book that finally puts articulate words behind all the struggles I've had working in corporate big-business America. So far he's covered everything from the declining merit of higher education to the futility of 'teamwork' in the workplace to how current management styles really only make everyone walk on eggshells and distance them from the actual goals and purpose of their work. Amazing stuff... and totally making me want to be more hands-on, less cubicle-farmer in my new job hunt. Recommended reading for anyone considering a career re-vamp.


-Speaking of jobs... I've officially hit a wall. I've applied for jobs I'm qualified for in cities we don't want to live in. I've applied for jobs I'm seemingly well qualified for in places we want to live. I got a phone interview for a job in Chicago, but it wasn't quite as-advertised so that ended up being a no-go. I got a "Thanks, but no Thanks" letter from a job I was sure I fit the bill for with the government. I'm not sure what anyone wants anymore and I'm starting to think my only viable career options will be in my previous field, the one I don't want to do anymore. BAH!


-Lastly, I've been doing loads better on scheduling creative time for myself. I am making a quilt people. A QUILT. And the only other thing I've sewn was a needle case for my knitting stuff. I'll post photos soon of the finished quilt but I'm amazed by how this little change has lightened my mood, recharged my creative stores and increased my feeling of purpose. Yes, a quilt has upped my feeling of purpose. When you are a SAHW your days consist of laundry, dishes, cooking and vacuuming and then thinking you are still being lazy because the house doesn't always look just so. Seeing the fruits of my labor, having Swiss come home and be proud of what I've created, getting the satisfaction of actually doing something I've wanted to do for years and have success. It's awesome. And I'm really proud of what I've made. So, yeah, consider this a PSA for taking time to do the things that matter to you. Not just the stuff you are supposed to do.


-Hope you all have a super stellar weekend! The hubs and I are going to a movie tonight (Robin Hood=nummy Russell Crowe) and tomorrow we are having a good friend over for resume building and dinner. Aaah, the joys of retirement and ETS-ing from the Army! Happy weekending everyone!

And like, stuff.

Blargh. So with the new change of no change, I'm trying to re-evaluate our home life and my day to day. I was all ready to upend everything for Kid A's arrival and now that we don't have to... I'm thinking maybe I should anyway. Did that make any sense at all?

Like working out. Which I have not done in AGES. I finally found my fave workout book "New Rules for Lifting for Women" (thanks Amy!). Yes, its been 4 months since we moved in and I just found it this morning. Because why would a book be in with the other books? It absolutely should be in a giant 100 lb. box of weight plates. Which, BTW, totally reinforces my resolution to do our next move DITY-style. Anyway, I am back on track and have all sorts of motivation to get fit again. All I have to do is pump up the exercise ball and get Swiss to find a new home for the Army gear that has crept in like kudzu and taken over the workout room.

And being better about doing creative things. Because Facebook isn't creative. Neither is surfing the web or 3 consecutive hours of House Hunters International. Painting is. Drawing is. Quilting is (even though it involves waaaaaay more math than I'm comfortable with- blech!). Photography is. So I am promising to set aside time each day- and actually use it- do be creative and channel my inner artist.

The secondary benefit (I hope) to all of this will be making me feel less like a caged animal and more a happy housewife. I've started feeling stagnant and crunchy. I'm a teensey bit more irritable and more easily annoyed. And that is just silly, because what on earth do I have to be annoyed about? I have the best husband (though, like any real, live human being he has his issues) in the world who I am madly in love with, I don't have to work and we still don't have to worry about money, we are healthy, I have wonderful friends and family and yeah- I need to get some perspective and take advantage of the time I have to do the things I want. And that should make me on happy camper.

Anyway, that is my challenge to myself. Start lifting again, and make being creative a priority. So, with that, I'm off to sew. And work on that quilting math. Do you think they have tutors for that???

The ties that bind.

Family is always such an interesting entity. It always seems like such a unifying thing- we all have them and we all (mostly) love them (or most of them). They are the people you grew up with, the folks we spend holidays with, the ones who send us cards on our birthdays. But also? Holy crap... family doesn't always mean the same thing. And I have my marriage to thank for that nugget of wisdom.

Let me back up and give you a frame of reference: I am an only child... my "family" consists of my mom and dad, my grandparents (who have all passed on as of last year), my dad's sister and her husband and my mom's cousin and his wife and daughter- and they all live within 45 minutes of each other. Those are the folks we spend holdiays with, the ones I make a point to see when I am home, the ones who get Christmas cards... they are my family... all 7 of them. Swiss, on the other hand, has his two wonderful parents and is the youngest of six (6!!!). He has two kids and one of them is married with 3 kids and many of his siblings have spouses and kids of their own and they are scattered to the four winds. And if you are doing the math, thats like 17+. Basically, we have completely opposite families. It is nuts.

I think there are times, like right now, that positively boggle my mind when it comes to our families because I just cannot relate no matter how hard I try. I have no idea what it is like to have a sister or brother- that is a bond I just don't understand. I mean, I 'understand' it but I can't relate. I don't get it- but how could I? I have zero frame of reference. Swiss has been doing it his whole life. Also, there is the thing about kids. Swiss has (in case you didn't know) a kid of his own (Kid A) and an adopted kid (from his ex-wife and another random guy) who is 22 and has a family of his own. We don't have kids of our own, so there is this whole thing with his kids that I just don't get either. Most often, with his family, I feel like a little fish in a sea of very big, very confusing fish. Just call me Nemo.

Please don't get me wrong- I "get" it... the family thing. I understand that blood is thicker than water and that when you grow up with a brother by your side- you have a unique and strong bond. And I understand that it is in one's nature to help their kids in any way possible. But I don't know what it feels like to have a brother or a sister or a kid. I don't know what those bonds feel like and how the history you have with them colors (or clouds) your judgement. I just sort of view them as friends you are stuck with. Ha! That and my family tends to be pretty low-maintenance... not much drama, not many demands. Swiss's family, great as they are, don't quiet fit the low-maintenance bill.

Anyway, recently we've been faced with some family issues and it is so hard for me to know how, when, where, or if I should put my two cents in. I mean, I am sort of a part of this family... and all the decisions that effect Swiss effect me too... but still, they aren't MY family. A few of the issues have been financial- so I had NO problem butting in an tossing my 93 cents in... it is our money and I've added my hard earned cash to to coffers so I felt 100% justified in butting in. But it is the more subtle stuff- the whole spending a week of our vacation time and money to go visit family that couldn't even take a weekend off to come to our wedding (or send a card, or RSVP or well, anything). People who don't send us Christmas cards or call to see how Swiss is doing. People who, seemingly, never cared that Swiss was deployed to a war zone for a year.

Swiss does most of the heavy lifting in his family relationships and this is where I start to struggle. Maybe I am too tit-for-tat about it all. Maybe the rules are different for family (I strongly suspect they are). And maybe all it boils down to is that I don't get it because I'm not a mom, I'm not a sister (Unless you count the Beth and her sisters- they adopted me last summer- do you think that counts? Yeah- me neither.), I don't know what it means to be a sibling. So maybe my view on this is just all wrong.

But still, I can't help but wonder what the rules are for extended families. And how do I assert my opinions on family matters (even though I can't relate) when they directly effect us? And how do I do it without coming across like a callous, uncaring bitch? More importantly- when someone on your husband's side of the family drives you bananas with their spectacular displays of stupidity- how do you manage staying in their house for 4 days? 'Cause I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to pull that one off.

Well, hello there!

Yes, I have been cheating. Photos do not really count as blog posts... this I know! And this is me doing better! Aren't you proud of me??? Okay. Fair enough. Nothing to be proud of here... but I digress...

So right now I am watching my 2nd consecutive hour of the Life series on the Discovery Channel. It is AWESOMESAUCE to the third. This stuff totally reminds me how much I love science and biology and ecology and all that super great stuff I learned in college. If you haven't been watching it, DO! If only because the filming is beyond incredible and you learn lots of stuff watching it. LEARNING FROM WATCHING TV? Sign me up! There are so many amazing things on this planet and so, so, SO many things I never learned about in 4 years of intensive study that are showcased on this show- I can't recommend it enough. Sundays 7-9pm Central on Discovery. Watch!

Anyway, today the hubs and I took the pup to a state park about an hour from post... we walked A LOT and saw some pretty amazing things... yuccas in bloom and wildflowers and waterfalls in the middle of nowhere. I'm really enjoying our exploring of this new home state of ours. And how awesome is this shot of Swiss and Fletcher? I couldn't have posed it this great if I had tried. It was great to get out of the house (something we've been less than good at) and get us some nature, let the dog wear himself out and just BE together. Gosh, I am using the Caps Lock a ton. Sorry. Okay- focus: The hiking was good for us, good for the dog and we had a great time. I really, really think we need to do more of this stuff- getting out and doing things togeher. I won't lie... the TV and the computers are sort of the other people in our marriage and it was great to leave them behind for a while. Plus the people you meet hiking are ridiculously nice and friendly and a puppy wearing a pack (like this Ruffwear one, it is fantabulous!) is sure to garner plenty of comments and laughter. I'm thinking there will be a lot more hiking in our future.. and I'm pretty darned stoked about it! (Side Bonus: Hike 5 miles and you are sure to have a blessedly tuckered out dog, as Cesar says: A tired dog is a good dog. We have a VERY good dog right now.)

In other news... Swiss has done a ton of really great work on his resume and applications and has gotten no less than 6 glowing references from all sorts of ridiculously Hooah types, plus a few specific jobs tossed his way. Again, awesomesacue. Can I tell you how much lighter the mood is in the house? We are stoked and happy and excited and feeling totally prepared for all the job hunting ahead of us. Today he applied for a ROTC post someplace 83 kids of awesome and soon his application for a schmancy security position with 40+ locations (about 12 of which I would be GIDDY over). I've got my application ready to go and a few positions of my own scoped out. I'm hopeful because there are at least 4 cities at the moment with job openings for both of us. We are cautiously optimistic and starting to get excited about what the future holds for us post-Army. It is way less scary now and much more anxious hope.

But otherwise, things have been quiet here. The ball was fun- pretty much a dressed up Frat party with a lot of bling (I'm totally going to brag here: My husband was the most decorated soldier there... he had more ribbons than ANYONE and looked like a ridiculously hot badass. Swoon!). We met some great couples and Swiss was very happy that the spouses I clicked with were attached to awesome soldiers. Ha! The food was decent, the wine was tasty but overpriced, the music was terrible and only one guy got hauled out for being insanely drunk. All in all, it was a good time. Though I get a huge FAIL for the abominably low number of photographs I took and the fact that I only got that one blurry head shot of the two of us. Sorry.

Okay- I'm off to snuggle up with the husband and watch River Monsters... a total guilty pleasure and chock full of adventure and culture and scientific awesomeness. I am SUCH A NERD. But a nerd with a cold Heineken, a comfy sofa and a studly husband waiting on her... peace out bean sprouts!

Odds and ends.

First things first: Please send as much good karma, juju, prayers whatever your flavor to my cousin's son Jackson. He was flown to a major hospital last night via Flight For Life and is battling the most virulent strain of E. Coli... the infection has started kidney failure and he is on dialysis struggling to breathe. He's a fighter, but we could use all the help we can get. 

Second, and on a much lighter note, we've truly started the job/place to live/starting over hunt. I giggled last night when Swiss was looking at a job that had about 30 different locations to choose from. My method to narrow them down? Basketball teams. Yep, I made a JV team, a Varsity team, and a starting 5. No kidding. Even a 6th man. I'll chalk it up to the March Madness we've been immersing ourself in. The exciting thing? Of the starting 5, 3 of them have jobs for me too. That is promising! Also, the housing market is so insane that some of the cities (ie: Chicago) that would previously have been too expensive are now well within our budget. That is madness. Anyway, things are getting exciting now!

Also, I'm totally digging on the good weather here... it has been sunny and warm (70's) the last few days and holy crap it is SO much nicer than the snow I'd be knee deep in Minnesota. The grass is green and growing (we had to mow it this weekend! In March!) and the trees are budding and blooming. Spring is here and I couldn't be happier!

Ooh, and we got a super stellar text message  from P (for you new readers, that is Swiss' ex-wife) last night at about 11:30... three cheers for drunken texting! I mean, really lady? Really? Gah. The last year plus without those has been awesome. I totally forgot how ridiculous and annoying they are and (being totally honest) FUCKING MAD they make me. I mean, the woman throws out insults and cheap shots about parenting and the only reason she is keeping Kid A for is the child support check every month. And yes, she has admitted that- out loud- before. Lest I rant on for ages, I just wish she'd grow the heck up and act like an adult or get hit by a bus. There are plenty of divorced parents who manage to act civilly. Why'd we end up with the batshitcrazyinsane one? That must be some mighty gnarly karma.

But in other news, Fletcher and Swiss have totally bonded and the pup is starting to act 'normal' (at least for him) again. Praise the Lord. We are doing well, reintegration has been *relatively* painless and Swiss' job has a ton of flexibility for us and him to get ready for retirement. All I'm missing from home are my 'rents and friends. I realized the other day just how insular our life is here. We don't know many people and few of the ones we do are the type we'd choose to hang out with outside of work. We had one fellow over for basketball watching last night and it was really nice to have company. It made me really miss Beth and Val. I miss the girl talk and the hanging out. I miss the familiarity and understanding only years of friendship can cultivate. I miss my peeps.

But otherwise all is well here. The ball is in a week and a half, Swiss starts his online courses this week and I am well, cooking and cleaning. SAHW-hood is weird. We are off to take the puppy on a walk and enjoy the good weather. Hope you all have a stellar Sunday and thanks for listening to the rambling. Pray for Jackson too please!

Dressy.

I found one! Here she be... and best yet Only $115 at the Outlet Mall. Hooah!

If you can't tell, it is a dark peacock-tealish color. It's pretty simple but the jewelly things on the front and the rusching (sp?) on the back is surprisingly flattering. So yay! It's done! And since I saved so much on the dress? New shoes here I come!

Blog mortality?

The end is near my friends... Swiss and I are job hunting and looking at places to live and sort of getting on with the process of no longer being beholden to the Army. This military life of ours has an expiration date and it isn't all that far away... it makes me wonder what will happen to this wee blog of mine. Will I keep it? Will anyone still read it once it becomes the ramblings of a non-military life? Will I still have a voice I want to share once I'm not a part of the great wide Military family? Or will I always be a part of that family? Do I really want to be just a normal blogger? *sigh* There's something powerful and special about being a MilSpouse blogger... there's a special niche and wonderful people who populate it. You feel like you are a part of something unique. And like you have a voice worthy of being heard...

But I can't help but wonder, is it once a MilSpouse, always a MilSpouse? Or do you get kicked out of the club when the retirement papers are served? I just don't know...

I do have blogger friends who have left the military and keep on blogging... but I universally think these women are 182 times cooler than me and have lives that totally warrant sharing them with the world (I am looking at you Amy!). Me? I don't know. I don't know what life holds for us, I don't know if it will be worth sharing, I don't know if it will be interesting or funny or if anyone will care. I don't know if I will even want to. Mostly, it is the idea of losing what this blog has given me makes me all melancholy.

I started this blog about six months before Swiss left for the Sandbox. At the time I was an Army newbie, still desperately trying to find my way. I was a fiancee then, trying to plan a wedding and cope with a PCS and looming deployment and utterly terrified that my perfect life would never come to fruition because of a war on the other side of the world, a war I didn't agree with. I was scared and naieve and unsure of myself in this new role. And I didn't know who to turn to. So I started blogging, mostly as an outlet for my fears and concerns and questions. Not because I thought anyone would read.

But somewhere along the line it turned into something I never anticipated- a lifeline to support, understanding, cameraderie, and lasting friendships. I found people who just got it, plain and simple. I found compassion and kindness, humor and bouyancy, wit, intellengence, charm, strength. I found an open seat in a lifeboat, full of women who had been where I was, or were currently there with me. I found what would eventually be what get me through this deployment. I found you all. And you know what else? I found my voice. I found on outlet for the things I wanted to say, and in you all I had an audience- a fabulous audience.

There are too many of you to list, but you absolutely know who you are. I love you and cherish you and am beyond grateful to you. Because were it not for you, I cannot fathom how I would have made it through this. I shudder to think what would have become of me if left to my own devices... not to be melodramatic, but you all kept me sane. Swiss and I both thank you!

This blog gave me a voice that I wasn't always comfortable sharing in person. Don't ask why, because I don't have an answer. But sometimes saying these things aloud was too hard, too uncomfortable, to difficult to explain. Being able to write it all down let me tell the most important people in my life (Beth, Val, Em, Shari, Mom...) what was going on in my head and process it in their own time... it let them know that even though I seemed okay, I wasn't always okay. But this blog let me explain myself. It let them into my head without having to find the right words immediately or ask questions they weren't sure they could. For that I am grateful. For these friends I am grateful.

So it is with trepidation that I (we) saunter up to the place in our life where we are no longer inextricably linked to the Armed Forces. Deployments will be a thing of the past. There will be no FRG drama, no phone trees, no MPs at the gate, no tales of bad phone lines or care packages gone wrong. There won't be tales from the front, anticipatory grief, unconsolable fear. I certainly won't miss any of those things, but I will miss belonging to the one thing that links us all together. I will miss being a part of this community. I will miss being counted amongst you--- you all are a group I have been so very proud to be a part of.

I wonder, if when we are just 'normal' civilians again, if you all will read. Will you read because we've formed a bond, a friendship? Or will you stop, eventually, inevetably, because our life will no longer bear any resemblance to yours? I don't know the answer to this. I wish I did. I just know that I don't want to fade away and not be, at least on the fringes, a part of this amazing community I was so fortunate to tap into. I still want to be one of you all, even when I'm not.

Oscar special.

Isn't that all Self Important of me?


So remember that rant I made a while back about how Hollywood always (almost) gets it wrong with war/Veteran movies? I still think all that jazz is true. But with all the hullabaloo about The Hurt Locker and Oscar buzz and by the more famous MilFolk (here and here) and everyone who has ever  even BEEN to Iraq weighing in... I thought I would throw in my two completely unqualified cents (you know, seeing as how I've never been to war or Iraq... see? I told you: Self Important!).

I read an interview with Jeremy Renner (the 'star' in the movie) the other day and it struck me as pretty accurate and reasonable. Amidst everyone shouting about how inaccurate it is... the ACU's instead of the DCU's that were standard issue at the time, the incorrect markings on trucks, the cries of "that isn't procedure!" (Bwahahaha!!! Yeah there have NEVER, in the history of this war, been soldiers who went against protocol and did stupid shit. PSAHW!), and "That wouldn't ever happen!" (again, PSHAW!)... Renner said this:

“It’s not an EOD documentary. It had to be as accurate as we could within a feature film. But I know some scenes my guys were saying ‘Dude, we taught you better than that.' ... I hope that they just roll their eyes at the Hollywood stuff, let that be what it is. But if it helps bridge the gap between these guys and civilians, helps show some of what they’re going through … I think there’s a lot of friction and ability to be able to communicate one’s life-and-death experiences. If even there’s a fraction of truth that they can use with their family or friends to help show that, then that’s amazing. ... The guys at Fort Irwin all pointed to one guy who would literally walk up to an IED downrange and kick it, and figure if it didn’t go off he won. That’s how he dealt with it. But that’s not standard military protocol."

Hmm. I think that is a fair point. Again, as someone who has never been there, I didn't watch the film with the mindset that this was some sort of action-thriller/documentary. Heck no. And I will fully admit that I would't know one way or another if the EOD techniques were sound or not (though I did notice the ACU thing, and it didn't really bother me)... I'm no military expert. But I feel like we all have to remember that it is and always will be, at the end of the day, a Hollywood Money-Maker.

Hell, I don't watch CSI: New Hampshire of NCIS: Tacoma or Bones or Grey's Anatomy and holler about how lab results ALWAYS take longer than that get snippy because that equipment was all wrong and how that diagnosis wouldn't come from a CT scan... THEY WOULD HAVE TO HAVE A PATHOLOGY REPORT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! I get it, it is a TV show and real lab work ain't that exciting... and you can't wrap up a tidy hour of television with the cast twiddling their thumbs for a week or 3 days waiting for results. Am I right? But have you noticed that many of the MilFolk reviews of this movie do JUST that?

The point is, I think the movie (KEY WORD ALERT!) represented the general gist of living life, as an EOD guy, in Iraq circa 2004 (I know, as if I have any clue). At the very least, it put me in the general mind-space of the handful of soldiers portrayed. The bigger picture? It put me in the streets of Iraq in the middle of a war my husband fought in (this point, incidentally, is agreed upon by most Vets and is the word on the streets- the settings are spot on). It gave me a dose of perspective, a sliver of insight, a glimpse into what it might have been like for him. And that is more than any other Iraq war movie has done for me. A lot more.

Perhaps, in light of all the other crappy movies about this war (see: StopLoss, Brothers, etc), this is really quite a feat. Maybe this is simply a good first step. And maybe, just maybe, that is pretty damned good for a commercialized, for-the-masses, Hollywood Blockbuster.

A film professor (David McKenna, a film professor at Columbia University, via here) said this of the movie:  "Hurt Locker isn't as much about Iraq as it is about one soldier's addiction to war. It's a character study, an exploration of courage, bravado and leadership told through "a series of suspenseful situations. I suppose it could have just as easily been set in outer space." And I think that is the bigger point here (at least for me, as a non-Iraq veteran). This movie's draw, its interest, it's redeeming qualities lie not in the bombs or the tactical accuracies or the uniforms, it lies in the depiction of soldiers... as complicated people, struggling to deal with their day-to-day experiences, job requirements, and at-home issues. NOT as batshitcrazyinsane PSTD addled guys about ready to fly off the handle (see: Brothers, etc.).

For me, it was about the human experience of war... not wether or not the Bradleys are marked right. And best of all, it gave me a better understanding- even if only superficially- of what that experience was like for any given soldier. For a movie like that to be in the running for an Oscar? I'll call that a good thing any day of the week.

Have any of you watched this movie? What are your thoughts? 
(And PS: here is a link to another article about this, much better written IMHO!)

Wreck this Journal... and odds 'n ends.

So yes, there has been a lot going on at Casa de Tucker and Swiss. My parents have been in town and Swiss has been on a shortened work schedule so that hasn't left a lot of time for blogging. We did travel around the state a lot... found an awesomely remote and delicious winery, a sweet brewery and visited my Grandparent's old home. But fear not dear readers! I am back!!!

What is new you ask? Well, besides being up to our eyeballs in retirement briefings, not much. I have enough fodder from these briefings to last like 12 posts... but that is for another time. Reintegration is going well... I am getting used to having less free time, less control of the remote, and sharing the bed again... and not having this always just so... but having Swiss around and not being married to my cell phone is TOTALLY worth it. We are learning how to 'fight' again... you know, navigate the normal (for us) ways we discuss things and disagree and reconcile. But it is going well and thankfully we are both being pretty patient with one another. All in all? Life is good.

I've also decided that I need to take this year off of work and DO something with it. Not in the find a job way. In the take the opportunity to change/improve/learn things way. So I'm doing the Pear 365 thing with Brit to force me to work on my photography skills. I researched and found a little old lady teaching art classes in a town not too far away and I am going to take some painting lessons from her. And I bought this book: Wreck this Journal, by Keri Smith. I started yesterday and it is FUN! The 'assignments' are random and wacky and odd, but even one day in it has done a great job liberating me from my normal stodgy artistic constraints. Hooray for that! I figured I would document the cool, odd, quirky things that pop up along the way... maybe seeing them will inspire you to check out the book and give it a shot!

Anyway, that is all for now. I'm off to order text books for the hub's last class (he's finishing up his degree in the little time we have left in the Army) and doodle in my book! Happy Wednesday!

First assignment: Draw circles. Second: Doodle over the instructions.

Pimping out mah new blog.

Oh goodness... the new blog! I am totally going to pimp out my new bloggy project with my best blogger friend Brittany of My Army Wife Life fame to you all. Shameless pimping! Go check out our project 365 blog Pear 365! (Get it? Pear? Pair!)

Britt and I are both going to post a photo a day for a year and it is going to be fun! So go check it out and be sure to give us some feedback about our photos! Thus endeth the pimping!

Carry on and enjoy your week!

Sorry!

Hey everyone! So sorry for the lack of posting lately- my family has been in town and Swiss has had a few days off so needless to say I haven't been as cozy with my computer as I usually am. I will have loads to write about when things settle back down... so stay tuned and thanks for hanging in there with me through this whole readjustment period! Y'all rock! *muwah!*