Fear of the future.

Sigh. I am sitting here at my computer after a half hour of job/career hunting. I'm left feeling like I need another cup of coffee with some whiskey in it, a hug from Swiss and a pep talk from Beth. Deflated, defeated and hopeless. Dude, what a downer on a Saturday morning, right?

I guess I just feel like I'm at a really strange place as far as starting over goes. I have a four-year degree. I have a certificate degree in my 'speciality'. But I am 31 and don't know what to do with myself. Do I go back to school? Do I suck it up and keep on track with a career I've sort of fallen out of love with (but don't hate). Do I try to re-enter the job market back at entry levels? Can we handle that financially? Sigh, what is a girl to do???

I don't mind the idea of going back to school in theory. I LOATHE the idea of having to take (re-take) the GRE and I don't like the idea of having to spend money on school to make money... that just leaves me out of the working pool for another 2 years. Blech. And honestly, I feel like if I am going to go back to school and do all that work- it better be for something I REALY love. I don't think I can say that about any of the programs (save maybe art school) Ive looked into.

My degree is in environmental biology. My job experience is medical. There are a few careers out there that I think would let me meld those two together, but most want a otherwise useless Master's in Biology to even apply. Seriously, a MS in Biology is as good as Monopoly money. I won't waste the time, money or energy to get one.

And Swiss always asks me what my dream job is. This usually makes me sad because I don't think I have one anymore... maybe independently wealthy traveler/artist/photographer? But that would require winning the lottery. I used to want to be a Veterinarian... but even that doesn't make sense at this juncture in my life. I don't want to teach. I don't want to be a field biologist. I would love to work at a NFP environmental organization, but I don't see how we can afford to do the things we want on those types of low salaries. I would love to advise students about biology careers, but those are the jobs that want the useless MS in Biology. I could try to hack it as a freelance photographer & artist, but I'd feel guilty if Swiss was the only one really contributing to the household income.

If I'm lucky, I might be able to swing a government job in biology, or at least relating to it. And worst case scenario, I stick with my former career track because I'm already well qualified and trained and *should* be able to land a job (providing there is one near us) without too much difficulty. But it just feels weird to be lost in the sea of "What do I want to be when I grow up" again at 31. I did this a couple of times already and, yes, it does suck as much as I remember. Ha!

Anyway, I am sure things will fall into place the closer we get and once we know where Swiss can get good offers. I am sure that there will be better opportunities when I can hone in on a geographical area, and I'm sure that whatever it is I end up doing, it will be okay. I sort of feel like this should be a liberating experience, like pressing the refresh button on your career, but when you don't have direction or deep seated career desires, it really leaves you feeling more listless and angsty. I'm guessing this is the feeling Swiss has told me about when he talks about leaving the Army...

Sweaters.

If you want to destroy my sweater... hold this thread as I walk away.

Mmm, Weezer. I saw them in concert in high school, I think they were touring with No Doubt. It was awesome and they played the theme from Happy Days. I'm from Milwaukee so that was a pretty rad shout-out. But I digress. That isn't my point. It's about the unraveling part. And don't worry. I'm not unraveling... this is just an observation type of thing so don't fret, okay? Okay.

It boggles my mind how easily, quickly and seemingly effortlessly our own personal sweaters (forgive the metaphor, but its working for me so let's all go with it) can become unraveled. How little things can snag and pull and tear the fabric of our every day. And it will never cease to amaze me how some snags can be fixed and others are beyond repair. Sometimes it is the little ones that look harmless, a slight superficial blemish... then you throw it in the wash and the entire thing is coming apart at the seams. Then the big ones? The ones that look like doom & gloom incarnated as yarn turn out to be quick, simple fixes that leave no trace of their former damage.

How do these sweater ending snags and tears happen? It isn't ever a massive run in with pinking shears or shredders or wood chippers. It is a grazing bump against a piece of furniture. It is a innocent run in with a purse zipper. It is a seemingly harmless joust with a set of keys. Half the time you don't even remember how it happened. All you know is that your sweater is ruined.

I'm sitting here, looking around me, looking at the people, the experiences, the wheels that are in motion and where there used to be logic and blueprint, there is chaos and confusion and bewilderment. So many things have happened, so many things are happening, and I just don't understand any of them. I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. I don't get why a boy who has yet to really live dies of cancer. I can't understand why people who always do the right thing get worked over, chewed up and spit out in the end. I can't wrap my head around all of the unraveling that is happening around me. And as for me? I still don't understand why I haven't truly mourned and accepted my dear, sweet Grandfather's death. It feels like a movie. Maybe I am afraid of unraveling myself if I give in to it. I don't know... maybe there is just too much change happening to deal with any of it in depth?

I wish I could run around and fix all the sweaters of those I love. I wish I had all the answers and could mend the tears and snags around me. I wish I knew which ones were fixable and which ones I need to prepare for the worst with. I wish I knew why these things were happening to such amazing, caring and wonderful people, people who don't deserve this. I suppose I never will. And I suppose at the end of the day, I should just be thankful for what I have... thankful that my sweater isn't too worse for the wear (for now, knock on wood). But sometimes, even that outlook leaves me with guilt and worry... and makes me extra cautious for all those potential dangers lurking around every corner. Gosh, that's a gloomy outlook...

Anyway, those are my thoughts right now. I don't have any answers. No reason to the rhyme. Just me an my musings about sweaters.

Keep on truckin'.

Or something like that. After my spectacular meltdown yesterday on the phone with Swiss and on my blog I've moved on to self-preservation mode, also known as Auto Pilot, and started doing what I feel is the only option: Put my head down and just keep going. Push through it, be a hard ass when needed, take time for myself when needed and do whatever it is I need to do to get through this. Though to be fair, this is easier said than done. I'm still feeling totally overwhelmed and a little bit lost, but I'm getting better in large part to amazing friends and family and Swiss.

I'm not 100% sure what all of that entails... the doing what I need to get through this part... but I'm guessing I'll figure it out as I go. Lots of deep breathing, knitting (which I find oddly soothing and calming), packing like the scheduled move on Wednesday (!!!!) is still going to happen and preparing myself for the funeral on Saturday... oh and the pile of dirty laundry that needs to be done.

Tonight we are having a face to face sit down regarding the sale of the house with my agents, the buyer, his (crazy) agent and me. This will seal the deal no matter how it shakes down... either they will understand the math and the sale will move on as planned or they won't and I will cancel the Purchase Agreement. Pretty simple stuff... though the implications of canceling the PA sort of makes me want to vomit (read: cancel movers & reschedule for after R&R, get the house ready to show by tonight as I am leaving for home tomorrow, and the inherent risk of not getting another offer for a very, very long time). But whatever happens, I will deal with it and make it work. Because, hey, that is what we do... what other choice is there?

With any luck, next week at this time I will be preparing for the packer's & mover's arrival and moving forward with the sale of the house, feeling relieved, less stressed, calmer and finally, FINALLY, getting excited about R&R and seeing the man on the other end of my phone for the first time in 8 1/2 months. I'm not going to pray for this or hope my Karma comes through... I'm going to be dogged in my determination to make it work and beat this ridiculousness into submission through sheer will & persistence. Tom Petty told me not to back down, and I ain't gonna. So there.

Anyway, I wanted to say one more Thank You to all of you who have called, e-mailed, texted, IM'd, twittered and commented. Thank You for being so awesomely supportive, kind and caring. It has made this ridiculous roller coaster ride a bit easier to stomach and the graciousness of practical strangers will never cease to amaze me. So thanks for being so wonderful, thanks for still reading, and thanks for your kindness. Now, wish me luck and send more chocolate.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

This comment arrived under the “Who We Are” section over at LeftFace, but I wanted to put it out there to as wide of an audience as possible. Kristy is trying to get some real changes made and we ALL need to throw our thoughts into the ring. Please think about these questions she poses and get your voice out there!!!

Hi All, My name is Kristy Kaufmann, I’m the Army wife who wrote the op-ed in the Washington Post, “Army Families Under Fire” 5/11/09.

Since the article ran, I’ve been in contact with the White House, the Secretary of the Army, the office of the Sec. of Defense, Army family program directors and some congressmen and senators. It’s taken me 8 years and an op-ed to get in the room and I’m doing everything I possibly can use this “voice” to inject some urgency and reality into these conversations. I am completely unaffiliated and my only agenda is to speak for the many who have no voice and hold our leaders (civilian and military) accountable for doing what they say they are going to do (and doing it effectively).

We (military families) need smart people like you at the ground level who are unafraid to speak honestly and help provide solutions. I wouldn’t have taken the risk to write the article if I didn’t think it could affect significant change, but I’m just one person. I need to hear from others that are “in the trenches”; ours is the voice that has been missing from the conversations where decisions are being made. I have a direct line to the top right now, let’s use this opportunity!

Here are a couple of questions I’ve been asked by non-profits who want to help military families, they want input from the ground level. Please feel free to post them on Left Face, people can also respond directly to me at kkaufmanncool@gmail.com. I will keep all responses anonymous. I’m using “soldier” to represent all military members, regardless of branch.

1. What are the biggest problems facing soldiers (and their families) returning from deployment?
2. What could be done to address these problems?
3. Does the current military family support system work? If not, why?
4. How can veteran’s service organizations help military families?
5. If you had all the power in the world, what would you do to support soldiers and military families?

Thanks! Kristy

Here are my two cents, which I already posted over at LF… I really encourage all of you to either shoot Kristy an e-mail or head over to LeftFace to get your opinions and thoughts heard!

1. I echo LopsidedMom on this one. JOBS! My husband will soon retire and our options are super limited give his MOS and I worry that if he doesn't stay in a career with military ties (ROTC, JROTC) no one will realize his potential, experience and mad skills. The Vet unemployment rate is WAY too high and generally speaking these are folks with loads of potential and a totally untapped resource. We need to fix this!

2. I think the tax incentives are a good start- make it profitable to hire these folks. But again, echoing LopsidedMom, we need to educate employers to their skill sets, abilities, and all the ways these amazing folks can be an asset to their company.

Also, help them recognize that sometimes with folks like this, college degrees aren't necessary, their breadth and wealth of experience should count for something. I can't tell you how many jobs my husband has already looked into and is qualified for SKILL-wise but not Degree-wise. This is an issue for lots of retiring NCO's and we need to create a situation that allows these troops (especially those with 15-20 years in) to get more than entry level jobs. (And the GI Bill isn't the only answer to this, we need to get creative here!)

3. Yes and no. If the FRG (Army) is run by someone who has a) the time, b) the resources and c) the support to do it right, then it works well. But more often than not, this isn't the situation. I agree that these positions all need to be paid and specific goals/tasks need to be laid out so that expectations can be met and folks can be held accountable. These groups need to revolve less around socializing/status making and more around concrete help, support and education.

I also think that the support network for families not in the general vicinity of their installation (ie- went home to live with parents during the deployment, didn't choose to move shortly before a deployment like me, etc) needs to be beefed up and the DoD or someone needs to be more creative about creating support networks for these folks. I would love to see someone create databases (I know this is a huge task) that would allow military families of all branches reach out and find real tangible support in their location. I wouldn't care if the only folks I had in town for support were Navy or Air Force (that's not a dig!)... just having actual people to meet with when you are geographically separated from your Unit would be AMAZING. This is an area that is sorely lacking!

4. I think that having lists of trusted service providers would be a great start. Who can you trust to do yard work? What is a reliable mechanic that won't try to take advantage of me? Who does good home repair that, again, won't fleece me? I also think that possibly Veteran organizations could also serve as a resource for finding other military families in your area. They could possibly host meet-ups open to all branches? But I do agree that this should be a two way street. If Vet's organizations and MilFamilies relied on each other, there could be A LOT of amazing work accomplished!

5. At the risk of sounding like a Miss America contestant, I agree with trying to bring peace to fruition and bring our troops home. But in all seriousness. I would stop using our troops as worldwide peace-makers. I would try to rely more on UN forces and support/augment these groups for situations like Iraq, etc. I would use our troops in more of a preventative role (rather than reactionary and risk becoming the go-to guys in everyone else's time of need), focusing on intelligence, homeland security, keeping the US safe and working WITH allies and multi-national forces in supporting roles instead of taking over. If conflict wasn't avoidable, I would focus on utilizing our forces efficiently and evenly, paying close attention to OpTempo and staying within our means (both at home and in theatre).

I would put real money, time and effort into fixing the woefully inadequate systems in place to deal with PTSD, suicides, substance abuse and relationship/family issues. I would also beef up the school and support programs for military kids... more after school programs, more counselors, more funding for special events. Anything to make deployments easier on kids. And yes, free college to Gold Star kids for sure.

Lastly, I totally second LopsidedMom on requiring our elected officials to wear 80lbs of combat gear and go to Birkram Yoga. But only after they had to do some Basic Training and get buzz cuts.

Okay folks, now it is your turn. Go get your opinions heard!!! Double Time!!!

The other D.

Distance. They say it makes the heart grow fonder, right? But the cynic in me knows that distance can do a lot of other things... those are the things that worm their way into my head when I can't sleep...

Distance can make us drift apart. Distance can make us weaker. Distance can make us different. Distance can create tension or worse yet temptation.

Please don't take this wrong right off the bat. Swiss and I are doing great (aside from the ongoing weeks of no phone calls). We are happy and communicating and still madly in love and without drama. Thank Gawd. We aren't struggling with any of these things, and lest you think I am trying to create issues, you should all know that I am a planner. And I generally plan for the worst case scenario.

The thing of it is that Swiss and I have such a stable, normal, affectionate, honest and fun relationship. It is the most normal relationship I have ever been in. We are so happy and we are so good together. And yes, we had to the whole long distance thing for 90% of our relationship so it hasn't all been cupcakes and fairy tales. But we've had it good. We communicate and we are open and we've gotten through many an issue together, without yelling (neither of us are good fighters), all while being as supportive and understanding as we can.

But I wonder what all this time apart will do to change that. I am not naive enough to think that he will come home and everything will be just as it was when he left. I worry that things won't be as smooth as they were before. I worry that we won't be as good at reading each other, that we won't know how to be like we were before. I don't feel like I am changing, but I can't see how I couldn't. Same for Swiss. And I don't know what weeks and months on end of conversing only by computer screen & keyboard or phones alone does to the communication skills you established before. I don't know what kind of complications it could create.

In short, I wonder if things will ever be the same. Lord, I hope so, because we only had 3 months of 'normal'. We had 90 days to live together full time, to be us. And I can't help but wonder how far reaching the effects of this deployment will be on our relationship. How long will we pay for this? And what will the cost be?

I hate to sound melodramatic about all of this. We really are doing fine and I'm not seeing any red flags. But I guess it would be weird to not think about all of this, no? Anyway, at the end of the day I am going to put my faith in us and in our love. Faith that we will work through any issues that do arise... I can only hope that they are minimal and easy to deal with.

And at night when I am laying awake, I will think of this, think of how strong our love is, and rest easy. "And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." -Kahlil Gibran

LIARS!

So the massive snowstorm that we were doomed to endure never really showed up to play. You could say that it didn't bring its 'A' game because wispy bits of snow that melt immediately upon impact hardly counts. Well, I guess the 'storm' did show up, but it only brought its 'G' game, maybe. Those meteorologists can't be trusted! But color me happy because instead of shoveling I am just having to clean muddy paws (which I have become OCD about since I just mopped all the floors yesterday).

Anywhoodles, I've spent the morning painting which is 84 shades of awesome and thanks to the lack of snow I can complete the shopping for the latest items Swiss has requested (including, but not limited to: a AA battery powered alarm clock, Guitar Hero Metallica, shelf brackets with adhesive and baby wipes). And I am making homemade granola bars to send him too. Yum. So, that is all I have for my Sunday update. You can all rest easy now that you are up to speed on my thrilling life...

Updates.

First off: THANK YOU! Thank you to all of you who sent me well wishes yesterday, for all the support, kindness, wisdom and kind thoughts. This deployment would be so much harder without all of you, so thanks a million! I'm doing much better today thanks to you all.

Second, we gals over at LeftFace are in a bit of a competition for best new MilSpouse blog. If you like us, please, please go vote for us here. Thanks!

Third, I just found this organization, Operation Dreamseed, via research for this blog post about Kids in Afghanistan. Wow, they are an amazing organization with a presence in not only Afghanistan and Iraq, but also Nicaragua and Colombia. Here is their mission:

"Operating within the values of freedom, democracy, education, and self-betterment, Operation Dreamseed will develop and support education initiatives in the schools and education systems of underdeveloped countries in order to foster and facilitate the access to and process of learning."

If you can, go check them out and see if you (and your peeps) can get some donations together to help the cause. Thus ending this PSA.

Lastly, I really want to watch Grey's Anatomy tonight and put up another post about the status of Owen's PTSD, but alas, I will be in art class. So y'all will have to wait a twee bit until I can watch the episode online and pull a post together.

So go vote and have a super Thursday everyone!

Spring is in the air.

Honeybee, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Despite the overcast days and freezing misty rain (and dropping temperatures too) it is Spring here in the upper Midwest. It is good.

I have started my Spring cleaning and am anxiously awaiting what grass is left in the backyard (thanks Fletch) to turn green. I also made up some Spring resolutions (I've never been one for the New Year's kind): I am going to learn how to knit. I am taking a figure & portrait drawing class. And I hope to help coach a U12 fastpicth softball team (I've played ball since I was in first grade and played all though college- and no, none of the softball stereotypes fit me). I am going to get this kitchen project done. And I am going to try to find Swiss a Literary Agent.

That's a good list to start with I think. I'm hoping the busy-bee mentality will help these days go by faster and faster because it is going to be another 6 months until we get some R&R time. Wow. It will be fall by then...

The kitchen saga

New Countertop Samples, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Okay... so the kitchen. We all agree that dark counter tops are our favorites- so dark counters it will be. Think #11.

Sinks, stainless it is... you guys are awesome... I never even thought about all the stains on the white ones (I thought mine was just old so it stained more readily).

And here is where it gets interesting. The faucet. Y'all picked #3 (which is secretly the one I wanted y'all to pick because I loved it). I went to Lowe's yesterday to pick up said faucet. Dude. The thing is HUGE. The actual faucet is probably about a foot tall. It would look ridiculous in my kitchen... or most kitchens for that matter. Stank.

So back to the drawing board on the faucet. I will post more options later for your excellent opinions. Hopefully the ones I pick out this time will not be better suited to the home of a NBA star.

I am off to eat some Berry, Berry Kix (2nd favorite cereal) and hang with the mutt before I head out to tromp through the woods with my MIL and SIL looking for shed antlers.

Happy Sunday all!

PS- I finished my painting in art class! I posted it over at my other blog, check it out if you want to!

Round up.

Love, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

I am missing Swiss so very, very much today so just because I can I'm giving him so blog Love. This was taken on our visit to Duluth last summer and that is Lake Superior in the background. Oh, how I miss him... it creeps its way into every part of my day, even my dreams. At least we are close to another week down. Is this thing over with yet???

I am generally swamped today and don't have much mojo so I will post the kitchen choices this weekend. I'm really excited and all of your input has been tons of help! (And Hooray for keeping the dark counters!)

Here's wishing all of you a super weekend and enjoy the Spring weather!

Muwah-ha-ha Monday.

Confession: I read the military news on yahoo.com.

Promise to Self: I will no longer read the military news on yahoo.com until Swiss is home safe and sound.

Yeah, I might have self-induced some panic this afternoon at work. I read an article about our forces shooting down an Iranian drone in Iraqi air space and buried at the bottom was a bit about how a US soldier died in the capital today. Swiss didn't call this morning like he usually does... and cue internal freak-out. Thankfully, about an hour later Swiss called. Turns out he was booked in meetings all day, hence the no call this morning. Big, deep, sigh. Phew... that sucked hard. So I am definitely not playing that game anymore. Fo sho!

But on the plus side, it is B-E-A-Utiful here today. 62 and sunny and I am loving it. Every window in the house is open, I took Fletcher on a nice long walk (he is blissfully wiped out on the floor as I type this), saw my first 6 Robins and got loads of fresh air- no jacket required!

So I am off to eat some dinner, pay some bills, watch Dancing with the Stars and Castle. I heart the television. Happy Monday all!

Busy bee.

In a rare burst of both motivation and energy I've been a whirlwind of activity today... and it is only 1430! This is not how I usually spend my Sundays (think PJ's all day, marathons of America's Next Top Model and trying to teach Fletcher to roll over).

Speaking of Fletcher... here he is. Anyway, I got to talk to Swiss (swoon!) which was awesome, then I hit up SuperTarget (I love me some Target), I mopped the floors, vacuumed and made chili. I. Can't. Wait. For. Dinner. Nom.












Then I embarked the MONUMENTAL task of organizing, de-cluttering, and purging the dreaded Back Room. (You know you have one too!) Can I just say that the sheer volume of Army manuals that reside downstairs is enough to completely train all of my neighbors in the ways of the Infantry... I could produce some serious E7's or better here. (We also likely have enough equipment down there to outfit the neighborhood too!) Anyway, now they are all in a confined, contained area and I am not moving them for fear of a thrown out back.


Here they are in all their glory...
So that has been my Sunday. I am back in lounge clothes (I had to chase Fletcher through my neighbor's muddy yard in bare feet. Awesome.) and will be settling in to do my taxes here soon. But don't you worry, there is plenty of telly watching and lounging in my future. That's just how I roll.

Shiny newness.

What do y'all think? Do you like it? (I am referencing mah shiny new header up there. I think it is quite schmancy!)

I am trying to spice things up to get me out of this weather induced blah-dom. It doesn't help though that Swiss and I are suffering through an Army induced radio(phone) silence. It sucks. But I digress. I am using caffeine, flickr, Community Ed classes, my iPod and enchiladas to get me out of the funk. God, if enchiladas don't work I have no idea what to do next except add margaritas!

Anyway, things here are fine. I am anxiously awaiting Spring like a junkie awaiting their next fix. Seriously, this winter is killing me and I was only here for 6 weeks of it. (I think that is a clear indication that we need to move south-ish, no?) But I am really pumped about this weekend... I have a birthday celebration with a friend on Friday and more oil painting on Saturday (with bonus wine-counter time at Val's place). So all we need do is get through the next 2 days... work is such an inconvenience! Gaw!

Sunday.

It is snowing. Again. BAH!

Oh, and we even had a rainstorm this morning that wasn't so much rain as it was tiny frozen pellets of ice falling to earth. Aren't we done with this yet??? (Oh, and just a little post script here: it is 84 at Fort X. 84!!!!)

Anyway, I will stop my complaining now. My oil painting class yesterday was pretty awesome. I am pumped about this new medium and the teacher was pretty good (though he totally squashed my attempt at a non-conventional framing of the subject... where's the fun in that??). I'm just bummed that I have to wait another week to do it again!

So, I am off to make some meatballs and hang out with my mutt. Happy Sunday and enjoy the warm weather wherever you are (and if you feel like shoveling, just call me!)

Happy little trees.

Today is my first oil painting class. I am just a twee bit giddy!

I have wanted to take this class (through Community Ed) for ages and it always filled up or conflicted with my schedule. But now I get to go! Even Swiss is stoked. He has a million ideas for me to paint... now I just need to know how to do it! I'm hoping it goes well and that I really like it.
So, I am going to chanel Bob Ross and am off I go to paint happy little trees, happy little streams, and happy little clouds. Wish me luck!

PS: I've been putzing around with a second blog with my paintings and photos... check it out if you like, it still needs tweeking... Tucker & Swiss Part 2: Art Supplies and ACU's.

Newsletter: Week 52

Yes, I am totally stealing this idea from Dooce. But I thought it might be interesting to sum up the 52 (+/-) weeks of this deployment. Sort of like a raw "Here's how it really went down" thing to look back on, no sugar coating way to document life, as it were, during the deployment. So here it goes...

Dear Swiss,

This week sucked. It started when you left and it hasn't stopped, though it has gotten better. It is a terrible feeling sending you off, sending you into harm's way, knowing I won't see you for so very long. I couldn't get over the feeling that our goodbye wasn't good enough, that I didn't say the things I wanted to and that I didn't hug or kiss you one more time... however I suspect that nothing could have made that goodbye good. God willing, we will never have to do it again. We drove back to our house on post and I cried all the way home. I don't like it there without you in it. I don't like it here without you. Apparently, you make lots of things better... like... well, everything. But at some point I got up and started moving. There was packing to be done after all. So I packed and cleaned and missed you terribly. By Monday we were finished and checked out of housing, easy as pie. Goodbye Fort X, for now. See you in a year...

We hit the road in your trusty truck and headed North. That drive is a lot less fun without you and your funny singing and random topics of conversation (no offense mom- you did a great job keeping me entertained too!). Anyway, we stayed in Wichita Monday night and made it home by Tuesday night. And again, I find that home is a foreign place without you in it. It is going to take some time to get used to not seeing you there, not having 2 towels hanging on the bathroom door, not having a co-pilot on the sofa, not having someone to cook for, having all that empty space on the other side of the bed... the list goes on... But this is how it is, for now.

My Mom stayed for the rest of the week. It was good having some company, someone to just be around and talk to... I never was one for cold turkey. But things here are okay. I will go back to work this week on Wednesday, which will be strange after 2 months off. I rather liked unemployed life, however I suspect that working will go a long way in keeping me busy and helping the time to pass. We spent some time with your Mom & Dad too, they miss you but are so proud of you! Things are pretty much the same here as when we left in November... it will be interesting to see how much things will change this year.

In other news, we got a puppy! The one you and I looked at before you left... I named him Fletcher, that's one of the names you picked out and it suits him very well. (He's passed out on the floor next to me as I write this.) He is sweet and quirky, just like us, and you are going to love him... I can't wait for you to meet him! He is a total goof and loves to play... he thinks the back yard is the best thing ever with all the birds and squirrels, I can't wait to see what he does with our dream 20 acres someday. He is a good snuggler too, not near the caliber of you, but pretty good. He is definitely a perfect addition to our family. I just wish you and I could have done all this together... it sucks that we have to do all these 'firsts' as a married couple uncoupled.

Anyway, this week seemed like a monumental task to complete. And I am so glad it is over... only 51-ish more to go! You and I have been able to talk about every other day, so I can't complain too much there. It is always sooooo good to hear your voice and know that you are doing well, find out what you are up to, and tell you how very much I love you & miss you. I just wish we could stretch those 5 or 10 minutes out longer, it never seems like enough time to tell you everything I want to say, the bad connections never help either. But I digress. You are staying very busy and enjoying work, which is great.

I am hoping that the next week will go by faster and that you will find out what your assignment will be and where you will actually be, then I can send you the care package that is all ready and waiting for you! But know that I am doing fine, I miss you like crazy, but I am okay. I've been so lucky to have such great friends and so much support, so there is nothing to worry about here at home. This isn't easy, but it is getting easier.

So be safe, be strong, and come home soon. 51 to go.

Your girl,
Tucker

Chapter one.

So "Chapter One" of our life is coming to a close... Swiss moves from his ROTC post this Monday and we will be ending our dating/engaged life in a matter of weeks. The PCS is looming, as is the deployment. Life is changing... big time.

As I reminisce I can't get over how much has changed, with me, with Swiss, with our relationship and our lives in the last year plus.

Just over 14 months ago I has just bought my first house. I was happy, if not a little lonely... but I had my job, my friends, my hobbies... I was doing pretty good for myself. And then I met Swiss on a whim. After a few little speed-bumps we went on our first date July 24th. And I knew. I knew that was the last first date I would ever go on. I knew that he was exactly the man I described to my best friend Beth when she asked me EXACTLY what kind of guy I was looking for. I was looking for Swiss.

And here we are... with a bounty of changes on our horizon. We will be Mr. & Mrs. Swiss in just a few short weeks. We will have a whole month of being "normal" (by that I mean actually living in the same state, zip code, and home) together. We have a PCS in a matter of weeks and more than likely a trip to the Sandbox in the next few month. Both of which I am dreading... not just because it means a deployment, but because it means so much time away from Swiss. I hate time away from him. He makes me feel whole... feeling not-whole isn't much fun.

But as I look back on this past year (plus) I am always in awe of the joy, the happiness I have found, we have found. I am blown away by the changes and unexpected events that have come our way. I am proud of the challenges we have overcome. I am comforted and elated by the contentment, the respect, the friendship and the love we share.

So here is to Chapter One. You were great. You were bursting with surprises, you were stocked with fun and memories, and you were full of firsts.

You were the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Real Life.

Do you ever pause for a moment and look around at the life you are living and wonder how you got there? I don't even mean all of the military hoop-jumping and PCS-ing and deployment business that has become part of my "real life" since I met Swiss. Oddly that somehow seems more normal than the carry-overs from my life pre-Swiss.

I mean, do you ever look at the career you have and the places your career has put you in and say "How did I end up here?"

I went to school at BigHospital where I now work. I hated it. HATED it. I loathed the town, I had no friends, there was nothing to do... I just wanted out. And when I got out, there was not a good job to be had elsewhere. So I stayed. And somewhere along the way I bought a house. And got a promotion. And thankfully met Swiss (which would never have happened if I left). Somehow 5 years (!?!?!) later I am still here. Living in a town I don't love. Working a job I am ambivalent about at best. But blissfully happy in my personal life. I have a house I adore. A man I love. And stellar friends.

I don't know what to make of all that. There are a lot of cons... but so many good things too. I know one day we will have to leave this town, head for greener PCS-pastures. And then someday Swiss will retire and we will move wherever our whims take us. But for the time being... I can't help but wonder what my life could be like. If I were an artist. If I were an environmental biologist. Where would I live? Would I love my job? Would everything else be as good as it is now? Just things to think about I guess...