Musings on the future.

No, not the living on the moon, Jetson's-type "future". My future. Our future.

I can honestly say that my personal future has never been as up in the air, left to chance (sorta), undecided as it is now. I find this to be both highly disturbing and oddly liberating.

See, I've always been the girl with the plan. In grade school I knew I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be a scientist. In high school, I knew where I wanted to go to college and what I wanted to major in. In college, despite the normal hiccups, I chose my degree and got it (even with a change) in 4 years. I wanted to get a job as a scientist. And here I am, 20+ years later doing just what I set out to do when I was a kid. I knew what I wanted and I made it happen. I was the girl with a plan. Now, don't get me wrong... of course there were brief interludes of "What now?" and "Crap. This isn't going as planned." and "Well, I didn't see that coming!". But all in all, I am a planner at heart and I generally know (and have known) what is on the horizon in my life.

Not anymore! All I know, for now, is that in a few "short" months I will be down at Fort X, trying to be a quasi-southerner, not get shot for being a liberal in maybe the most conservative state in the union and being a housewife for about a year. All of which I am very, very excited for. But after that? After Swiss retires? ... ... crickets ... ... I have NO idea what I am going to do. None. Zip, zero, zilch. These few years being an Army wife/gf have certainly taught me about letting go (sorta) of planning, preparing and laying out life in specifics. They've sort of broken me of that trait. But also, I know a life post-Army is coming up soon. And for that? I'm gonna need to plan.

But plan what? A career? Pick a new one or stick with the old? Go back to school or just find any old job that fits? And of course all of that hinges (rightfully so) on where Swiss can get a job. And before you go telling me that my career and I should have just as much say in where we end up as his... trust me... we've talked about it and given the circumstances, his skills/job prospects, my degrees & job prospects... our plan of attack makes the most sense. And of course I will have a great deal of say in where we end up. This girl isn't meek or mild and has no trouble speaking her mind! But like I said, where do I (we) go from here?

I guess what I'm wondering is this: How do you go about choosing a new career path? How do you figure out what road to take when you've been on the same one for 6 years? How do you gather up the gumption to take risks when you are 30+ and have more than just yourself to worry about and consider? How do you make smart choices yet still follow your dreams (gaw, that sounded hokey!)? And how, in this horrible market/economy/blah, do you start over in a way that won't leave you financially unstable?

Deciphering the panic.

So I talked to Swiss today about the looming PCS and all that it implies. And let's be honest, I only talked to him about it because I knew I'd get another phone call tonight that wouldn't involve acronyms or movers. And you know what I realized? I realized that I am not, in fact, panicking about the PCS itself. I am panicking about selling our house.

Yes, the military.com patented OVERKILL worksheets freaked me out, but honestly, I don't think the Army portion of this move is all that scary. Perhaps I will even have lucked out because I'll get to work with the folks at a MUCH smaller post and get some (hopefully) good one-on-one interactions that will make that portion go smoothly and relatively painlessly. I am confident about what I need to do with the housing office at Fort X, mostly because Swiss and I have done it before down there and I am familiar with the staff for our housing community. I am even prepared for the inevitable (again, hopefully) few months spent transitioning between civilian life and Army wife life. I've got like 4 contingency plans for that- all of which are perfectly serviceable options. I've got all of that under control. It is good.

What can't I control? The housing market. Selling this house. Finding a buyer. Yes, this my friends is what is setting off alarms, sirens and putting my panic button on high-alert. DEAR GOD WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO IF THIS HOUSE DOESN'T SELL? I am not going to have a job at Fort X so it would be tough to pay 2 house payments, and I categorically WILL NOT stay here after he comes home. So yeah, we HAVE to sell this sucker. I'm panicking to the point of sending my real estate agent an e-mail this weekend telling her we had to meet. NOW. Yes, the move is nearly 7 months away, but the Holidays are in there and yeah, we've got to get this sucker on the market!

So yes, I have deciphered my panic and at least now I have some good direction. Anyone want to buy a house???

Neighbors.

So we got some new neighbors on the block, not on my street, but on the opposite end of my block. I walk past their cute house on my way to and from work every day. (Side note: I looked at that house when I was house hunting and it needed a lot of work, but someone seems to have 'flipped' it so I imagine it is super cute now. Because you all just had to know that. Right.) Anyway, I started to get the distinct impression that they were military...

What was it, you ask, that got me thinking they were military?

Could it have been the GWOT Veteran license plate? Sure.

How about the giant ARMY! flag hanging in front of the house?
Yep, that sealed the deal. Awesome. Why you ask? We are around 110 miles from the nearest Army post, and that one is teensey... so there aren't a lot of military folks in these parts other than the handful of recruiters at the office down the street.

I got all sorts of ideas for introducing myself... envisioned BBQ's this summer or at least a beer or two with hopefully some really nice Army folks, just like me. Another twee set of folks who get it, and right around the corner!

And then I saw this on the tire cover of their Jeep Wrangler XL.

0.o Yeah, ummmm, about that. (If you can't read it, it says: CAUTION Stay 100 Meters Back or you Will be Shot. And then it is translated into Arabic.) Pretty sure I'm not cool with you having that on the back of your SUV. In AMERICA. Dude, you aren't in theatre anymore. (I get that it is his prerogative, yadda, yadda, yadda....)

I mean, am I the only one who thinks this is, amongst other things, insulting, ridiculous and utterly lame? Who puts that on their car? And it is BIG. Really, what kind of Army dude put this on the family vehicle? I know what kind... the kind I don't want to BBQ with. I bet his one of those uber Hooah-Hooah guys who hasn't really done much to warrant being so flashy about his rough-tough-Army-guy persona. So yeah, am I overreacting or is this really as ridiculous as I think it is?

Memorial Day rant.

Monday my Mom and I went down to our little town and watched the Memorial Day parade. It was so sweet and quaint and so quintessentially small-town American. The members of the VFW marched by and I got all misty... I applauded them as they passed me and quickly everyone along the street joined in. I was so proud and honored and humbled in those minutes as the WWII era war planes flew overhead and the local high school marching band played "God Bless America". At that moment, it was all that is right with our country.

And then I came home, hopped on the web, and witnessed all that is wrong with our country. I got all kinds of surly with the commenters over at Pioneer Woman today... it seems that Memorial Day, to many, isn't about the military or the sacrifices of those men and women specifically that allow us the freedoms and liberties we have. It seems that for a lot of folks it is about remembering their families, their lineage, their ancestors. While I think it is great to remember your family history, I can't help but be annoyed that so many folks ignore, forget or disregard the fact that this is the ONE day a year we specifically set aside to remember those who sacrificed EVERYTHING for our freedom. I guess I feel like we have every other day of the year to remember those loved ones who have passed, Memorial Day isn't that day, at least it shouldn't be that day. Plus this lady really torqued me off:

"repmogirl said: Thanks for reminding folks that Memorial Day is about more than barbecues…It seems to have become another military holiday, but in my family it’s more about keeping track of family history and passing it on to the next generation..." (emphasis is mine)

WHA? ANOTHER MILITARY HOLIDAY??? There are only 2 major ones lady. Two. 2 days a year to stop for a damned minute to say THANK YOU. Thank you for putting you life on hold, for fighting with all you have, for giving up your life to make this country what it is. 2 days. Quite frankly, it doesn't seem like enough. Anyway, thankfully a poster named Deb got it right:

"Thank you for sharing from your heart about your Memorial Day, which is centered on your family cemetery. As the wife of an Air Force officer who has selflessly served our country for over 20 years, including two tours in Iraq, I was really saddened to hear that your Memorial Day doesn’t focus on what Memorial Day is really all about. (But thanks for including the paragraph on cowboy “Sam” who served in Vietnam, and mentioning the military in the last paragraph.)
Please know that Memorial Day is a day to honor and remember the brave military men and women who died while in military service. You & I would not enjoy the freedoms we have today without the military folks, past & present, who are willing to give their lives in order to secure our freedom.
Thank you to all of you out there who serve in the military! May God bless America, land of the free…because of the brave."

YEAH. What she said.

So that is my rant. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious, it is just that I get so fed up with the people of this country who forget about our military, who shrug off their daily sacrifices as inconsequential, who don't care to remember or honor them, who look at the military with disdain or disgust, who flippantly blow off the remembrance of the people who DIED so that you can have your white picket fences and an internet to spew your stupidity on (repmogirl, not Ree). I get annoyed that people feel the need to make THIS holiday about them, about their own tiny bubbles, not the National Day of Remembrance for the strangers that died for your freedoms, this year, last year, and every year before. What those men and women died for was your right to be an outspoken moron and not have to reap any consequences for it. So at least be thankful for your right to be an idiot, you ungrateful twit.

Hhmph. Rant over.

UPDATE: I was over at The Big Picture (go check it out, they have some beautiful Memorial day photos) and while there is plenty of drivel in the comments, there are a few from European readers who thanked our WWII troops for all they have done, all their sacrifices so that they too may be free. So that the French and Spanish and all the others can still be just that, not part of a German empire (see # 35, 37, 41, 84, 88). These folks made me tear up because they don't even live here, the troops weren't their countrymen, it wasn't their sacrifice and yet, they GET IT. They get it in a way that clearly so few Americans do.

Us and our craptastic timing.

So part of our big Post-Army plans include getting Swiss a ROTC or JROTC job. He votes JROTC because the pay is better. I vote ROTC because he is SO good at teaching and would be a huge asset to any program. And college towns are usually way cooler than regular towns. And the other thing is that we are sort of picky about where we retire to (rightfully so in Swiss's case- dude has EARNED it). We have a few states that we think are part of our "wheel-house"... states we are pretty sure we would be happy in, places we aspire to live in, places we hope beyond all hope will have jobs when we are done with Lady Army.

That bit about our craptastic timing? We are about 15 months out. And guess what? Six (6!) of our "Dream" locations popped up on the ROTC job posting site this week. Yeah, we (meaning Swiss) can't apply for them yet because his retirement isn't approved (actually he can't submit the paperwork for another 4 months) and we are too far out right now. Madison? Check. Missoula? Check. Minneapolis? Check. And a few others that are smaller towns, but in states we like. Well, feck.

Feck. Feck. FECK!

Why couldn't they wait a year? Madison? Ohh, it would have been perfect. PERFECT!!!! Twin Cities? Wonderful. Missoula? I love that town. Washington? Utah? Yes please!

What sucks the most is that likely none of these positions will be open by the time Swiss can apply. And that makes me SO sad... it makes me wonder and worry about where we will end up. It makes me sad that we likely won't be able to live in Madison... which was my perfect, make my heart skip a beat, master plan. So yeah, I am sort of mourning that dream's death... lamenting the loss of the "You really CAN have it all" Utopia I had created in my mind for us. le sigh.

I know something else will come along, I know there is an outside chance that this position will stay open. I know everything will work out okay, but, you know, DAMN.

Why the media sucks.

So this latest event… you likely know which one I speak of… brings into sharp focus why the media sucks. I can hear the calls of “Free Speech” and the “Right to know” and those lauding the Information Age where we all get our news as it happens. And in many situations I agree with all of that… but not this one. NOT ANY LIKE THIS ONE.

I loathe that the “media” (read this as ALL media, liberal, independent, conservative, TV, radio, internet- all of it) places more value on a hot lead than what their partial news may do to the families and loved ones involved- be it 2 or 2,000. They are more worried about getting the story out first, whether it is complete or not, than thinking about the fact that (pardon the caps lock fit I am about to have) PEOPLE’S LOVED ONES DIED AND THIS IS THE FIRST THEY ARE HEARING ABOUT IT. No, they didn’t name names. But that is because they can’t… Why? Because likely the military hasn’t been able to notify the families of these deaths yet.

So I ask you to imagine how many wives, husbands, moms and dads are sitting around work or home today wringing their hands because they haven’t heard from their soldier. Imagine how they feel seeing it on every internet news site, the local news, the nightly national news, probably on the radio, even overhearing it at the proverbial workplace watercooler. And all they can do is wait. Wait for the phone call or e-mail that will fill them with relief, only to be flooded with guilt at feeling relieved someone else’s loved one died. Or wait for the life changing knock at the door. Wait for the soldiers in Class A’s who have been trained to tell you your life will never be the same because (s)he won’t be coming home. Wait. Worry. Fear. That isn’t news. That is agony. And it is inexcusable.

But for what? What did anyone benefit from getting all these incomplete stories? A sensational news tale from war-torn Iraq? Military scandal? High drama more befitting a movie script? Something to casually chat about over lunch? Maybe for someone, but not me, not for thousands of military families. That story broke my heart. That story caused so much worry and angst and mind-numbing fear for so many people. And I cannot forgive you media for putting the almighty dollar and a sensational lead before common courtesy, respect and the sanity of families who sacrifice and deal with so much already. Shame on you.

Near... ...far.

Yes, Grover has taken over Tucker & Swiss. You know… near… …far. Remember that? Yeah, Grover was cool. Gaw, haven’t even started this post and I am off track already.

Okay, so my point: lately the hot topic in the house has been the “where” portion of our life post-Army. As in where are we going to get jobs? Where would we want to live? Where do we not want to live? Where can we have/afford/find the happily ever after we’ve decided on (this includes at least 20 acres of land, chicken coops, a garden, a studio for painting, a cozy house built just for us, and ideally the ability to hunt on said 20+ acres for Swiss)? Where, where, where? And all of the where’s lead to all the obligatory issues regarding proximity to family, current jobs versus new careers, autonomy & privacy, etc. Fun, right?

See, currently we (and by we I mean me) live in a mid-sized town in the upper Midwest. Swiss’s ex-wife P lives in the same city which we will call M-town with Swiss’s son. Swiss’s brother also lives in M-town. And 30 minutes down the road in S-ville reside Swiss’s parents. Me? I have a good job and own the house we live in here in M-town, but my family lives 4 hours away in P-town. I am super close with them, they adore Swiss and we don’t get to see them near as much as we would like, which sort of sucks. However, Swiss’s parents, while great folks, like to put monopolies on our time and P usually collapses into her “The Sky is Falling” routine when we are in M-town. Long story short? Even though I have been told by my Boss’s Boss (a retired Naval MD who I adore as far as bosses go) that he would hold my job for me for the year we go back to Fort X after this deployment, Swiss and I aren’t staying in M-town. We decided last night. This is a pretty huge decision for us.

So then what does all of this mean? Do we stay in the mid-west? Do we just find someplace ‘near’ here, but far enough away from everyone to have some privacy, autonomy and space? Do we run ‘far’ away and just do what makes us happy and run for greener pastures (read: Colorado, Utah, Idaho, Washington, Oregon) and hope family follows us out there or is willing to make visits despite the distance?

Granted, all of this is a little premature since we don’t know which jobs (ROTC or JROTC hopefully) will be open to Swiss when he retires. And these decisions are most certainly going to hinge on where we can get hired and therefore paid. But y’all, I am a planner. I cannot sit here after we’ve decided NOT to stay in the place we currently call home and not think about the vast oceans of cities, towns and states that could possibly await us. East? West? Middle? Small town? Big city? Suburbs? Damn, why is this country so effing big??? So, I am super interested to see where y'all plan to settle once military life is over... where and why?

You are special and make everything better.

Well, at least that is what Matthew said to me when he and his brother and Mom stopped by our house last night. Matthew belongs to my wonderful and amazing friend Val and he may be the sweetest child I have ever met. I adore him (and his brother Sam) to no end and have considered kidnapping them both.

Anyway, he invited me to brunch on Sunday with his family for strawberry pannekoeken and told me it was because I was special and make everything better when I am around. (Val tells me he came up with that all on his own) Don't you love it when a 9 year old makes you melt? So here's a big, heartfelt THANK YOU to Mr. Matthew, for making my day, making me feel special, and inviting me to brunch. You are a doll and have no idea how much that meant to me.

I would also like to extend the same big, heartfelt Thank You to all you wonderful readers who gave me great advice and super support yesterday. Things are better today, all because of y'all and a sweet 9 year old. Well done!

How Lord of the Rings is like a deployment.

Admittedly the past few days have been rough. Generally, I think I am doing pretty darned good job of dealing with this deployment, staying positive, going on with life and doing my best to thrive in this new situation. But lately I'm feeling kind of like I'm just going through the motions, like I am on auto-pilot. I suspect it has much to do with the month of nonexistent phone service and not being able to hear Swiss’s voice. I suspect it also has something to do with feeling like we've only just reached Rivendell in our epic journey to Mordor... in other words we haven’t even finished the first movie. Yes, I just referenced the Lord of the Rings trilogy and compared it to this deployment. I think it is oddly fitting. The Precious? Totally the end of this deployment. I loves the precious. Must have the precious!

I think it also has something to do with being here in the civilian world… it is starting to feel like Swiss and this deployment has been forgotten by all but a few. No one asks. No one talks about it. We talk about everything else, but somehow this deployment and how we are doing seems to be verboten. Maybe they are just afraid to talk about it. Maybe they think I will have a meltdown if it gets brought up (I won't... I haven't had anything even resembling a melt-down yet, at least not in public!). Maybe they don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all. Maybe they think I am doing perfectly fine and don't need anything. I don't know. I just know I'm feeling sort of invisible. If I have a bad day, no one asks. I don't have very many bad days, so it is sort of disappointing that it doesn't register that I might need some support or a kind gesture.

Now mind you, this isn't everyone in my life (thank God!). I have a few great friends who aren't afraid to ask or talk about it and still genuinely care about us. And I am so thankful for them, but a good portion of them are not here, they are scattered to the four corners and not physically present in my day-to-day life (I heart you ladeez!). And I know those are the folks I should focus on, but I am feeling a tiny bit lost at sea right now and I am terrible at asking for the kind of 'help' that would go so far in making this easier. I don't want a pity party and I don't need help-help. I just need someone to ask "how are you doing?" or say "let's go get dinner some night". I don't want to seem weak because I feel like I should be able to do this all on my own, but this hasn't exactly been what I would call easy. It would be nice though if someone came up to me and asked if I am doing okay. I don't want to have to say "I'm having a shit time right now, can you ask me out to dinner or drinks or come over to just hang out?". Maybe that is silly of me.

I know I will get over this soon. I know it will pass... I will put my Big Girl Britches on and get over myself. I will keep on trucking to Mordor and focus on getting to the Precious. But man, this really sucks sometimes.

Change is gonna do me good.

So, being here, at home in the upper Midwest, working and going on with life like nothing has changed in the last year and a half is getting tedious. Maybe it has something to do with knowing that I am leaving in 10 months. Maybe I am just ready to not be in transition (Ha! *Snort* Who am I kidding?) Maybe I am just ready to get on with the life that is waiting for me, for us back at Fort X.

I am tired of my job. Not that it isn't a great one and not that some of the folks I work with aren't amazing, because it is and they are. I am just tired of being here. I am tired of cleaning a house I know I won’t be in a year from now. I am tired of pretending to everyone who knows me that once Swiss comes back I won’t be leaving. (Heck, my bosses have actually told me I can’t leave and I've had to lie my ass off so far. Awesome.) I am tired of going through the motions of the life Swiss and I used to have. God, I sound so melodramatic... get a grip girl!

I think I am just really ready for the changes that await us. And perhaps some of this has to do with how this deployment is playing out. Not on Swiss’s end, on mine. I dealt with all of the pre-deployment anxiety, the anticipatory grief, the crying jags and the practically numbing fear when we first learned of it in May. (I blogged about that super fun day too if you care to read.) I didn't really know what to expect to feel like when he actually left. I didn't know how well I would handle it (I had high hopes but you never know…). Surprisingly, I don’t feel even remotely like I did last summer. I am okay, still a bit scared and worried, but dealing with all of this just fine, thank you very much.

See, it was the fear of how I would cope, how I would handle this is why I decided to come back here to our home and not move to Fort X for the duration of the deployment. This way I would be near friends, near family, keeping as much the same as I could… like our house and my job. But now I just feel out of place. I know none of our/my life here is permanent like I thought it might be. Not my job, my house, or my surroundings. It has been kind of liberating to know that I don’t NEED any of this. Just Swiss and my family (and dear Val who I can’t bear the thought of leaving). But this lag time between the now and the future is awkward at best.

There is no solution. This is just me venting. The end.

Choices.

We make them every day. Some are small. Some are huge. Some we will forget in minutes. Some we will think about years later. Some will alter the course our life. Some will change nothing.

But I ask you this: When you choose something, does it mean that you give up your right to complain? Does the choice you made trump any expression of your frustrations, worry or anguish? Does the act of choosing void any right to bemoan your situation?

Put it this way: If you choose to have children, do you forgo the privilege of complaining about your child not sleeping through the night? Do you not get to whine about spending all your time and money on your kid and not yourself? No aggravation over mounds of dirty diapers and spit-up caked clothes? Does that choice mean you don't get to gripe about all that parenthood entails?

I would guess that anyone reading this (especially anyone who is a parent) would shout a resounding "Hell no!" Am I right?

So I ask, then, why do members of our military (including their families) constantly get this sentiment thrown in their faces: "You chose this." (meaning joining the armed forces)? I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this, how many times I have seen it in comments left online, how many time my MilSpouse friends have been confronted with it.

When we complain about the ridiculous up-tempo deployment cycle we are in and the treatments of our troops, what do we hear? You chose this.

When there are complaints about what war does to a soldier and the woes of PTSD treatment, what do they say? You chose this.

When we are upset about missing holidays with our loved ones, being separated from your spouse for up to 15 months at a time, consoling children who miss their parent, taking care of everything at home alone, what is the response? You chose this.

Why is it different for us? What makes this any different than any of the litany of choices people make in life and then complain about... marriage, careers, family, finances? Why do John & Judy Average-American get to whine all they want about every choice they've made when we aren't allowed to complain about military health-care, ignoring PTSD, families on their 5th or 6th or even 7th deployment in as many years, inadequate body armor, death tolls, the cost of staying connected during deployments?

Instead of sympathy or curiosity or understanding, we get "You chose this." What is it, exactly, that we did to unknowingly relinquish our right to complain, admonish, disapprove, question and just plain whine?

We chose to serve our country.

PS: I'd like to thank my MilSpouse friends for your take and wisdom on this subject... I might have borrowed some of your arguments, but it was because you said it better than I ever could. You all are amazing!

Ramblings.

So Swiss and his unit are in limbo. And Swiss is aaaaaannoyed. They have been at their in-processing location for almost 3 weeks now and they still don't know where they are going. They are stuck in this current location for at least the next 3 weeks, maybe more. The higher ups have known this unit was coming for months and never bothered to cement a final location for them. So endless weeks of limbo. (Note: This does not bother me in the least because I know he is super safe and there is virtually no threat there. This equals Tucker breathing easier and worrying less. So it’s a good thing in my book.) But I see his frustration… why send all of them over there if you don't even know what do to with them? What were they doing when they should have been planning for this units arrival? And what are they all supposed to do over there with no mission or tasks? It boggles the mind.

Anyway, I realized today, as I was explaining Swiss's situation to a friend that I just shouldn't bother talking about it. At all. Not to anyone except my inner circle and you all. Why? Because her reply to this tale was this: "Well, that's normal so it isn't a big deal." Not to sound snarky, but last I checked she had no military ties or experience so how would she know? And, in fact, this situation is entirely abnormal. I just don't understand the incessant efforts to minimize what ever it is that is going on.

Yesterday some of us at lunch were talking about Swiss and how things are going over there, communications and the like and I mentioned that they need to pay $65 a month to have personal internet access, on top of having to pay to call home. (I think this is shameful, but that is for another post) One of my dear friends agreed that there should be another option, or at least a cheaper one. But another co-worker said that $65 wasn't that big of a deal and that is what she has to pay. I then pointed out that many of these families aren't just paying the $65 a month she is… they are paying whatever their bill at home is PLUS the $65 just to stay in touch with their loved ones, to see their kids growing up in the year that they are gone, etc. All of this ON TOP of a home phone/cell bill and the necessary minutes on the calling card. That kind of ended the discussion.

I know I blogged about this all before. And I know nothing has changed. I guess it still surprises me, catches me off guard. It boggles my mind how some folks don't seem to put 2 and 2 together. They only see one side of the story, they only look at what is on the surface, don't dig deeper to uncover the real issues. Maybe this is the new American way. But I don't understand it.

I don't understand the us vs. them mentality. Sure, I have gotten 'sympathetic' responses from a few (not that I am looking for those... maybe they are better classified as understanding responses or thoughtful responses) but often times these interactions make me feel like what we are apart of Swiss, you, me, your families, your soldiers, marines, sailors, etc. is trivial. That it isn't that big of a deal. That we signed up for it, so suck it up.

I always suspected that the notion of a "Warrior Class" was true... that some people really viewed things this way, whether they realized it or not. But I had never been face to face with it until I sent my husband off to war and came 'home'.

Maybe it isn't fair to expect anything more out of the peripheral people in my life. The people who care about Swiss and me, they ask, they try to understand, they listen, they don't judge or dismiss. They make me feel like what we are going through is a big deal. Because it is. They make me feel like it matters. They make me feel like we matter. That we aren't a disposable commodity, that our sacrifices are real, that while we may have signed up for this it doesn't make the issues any less valid.

Enough. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. Maybe that is the wrong attitude to take, but I don't have it in me to fight this fight right now.

Civilian life.

So, I have been back to work for 2 days now. Officially back to civilian life and "normal". I was only gone two months, but the damage has been done and what was "normal" is now some odd, not-quite-right version. And of course I am now acutely aware of how ignorant and uninformed we all are/were (that was me just 2 years ago, guilty as charged) in the civilian world.

(Necessary back story: Swiss and I have a house in the Upper Midwest, a town of about 100,000 with only two big employers... a hospital and a computer manufacturer. The only military presence is the Armed Forces Recruiting Center in the strip mall down the road from our house. It is a pretty conservative town, but also pretty isolated from the usual trappings of 'city' life. Swiss's unit is based down South, so for the meantime while he is deployed we are keeping our home here and that is where I am currently living.)

I have been asked how long the deployment is countless times. And every time I say a year, I get flabbergasted responses, as if this standard year deployment is something they'd never heard of. I don't mean to be snarky and I certainly can't and don't expect everyone to be all up on Army tours of duty, but hasn't anyone been watching the news? Reading the newspaper? Paying attention? FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS? SIX!!!

And then I got the "Well, now that Obama is in office maybe they will just bring him home?" bit today. I suppose that is just wishful thinking on their part, trying to be helpful, positive. But again, if folks were paying any attention to this war and the politics behind it, they would know better.

Am I being too harsh here? It just seems like no one here has any real understanding of what is going on, what it means to be at war, that we can't just up and leave because we got a new President, etc. And of course I recognize that I am particularly & acutely aware of all of this, because of Swiss's job, because he is deployed. I know that my grasp of what is going on isn't the same as your average citizen who has no stake in this war. But should that matter? Am I being overly sensitive to this? I mean, my husband and so many others are over there risking everything in the name of a country that has practically forgotten (or don't care to know in the first place) that they are even gone.

And what's worse is that when I talk about the military (which I think I should learn not to do), some have such a cavalier attitude about it. Like, what's the big deal? So what, deployments are what they do? To some extent they are right. Yes, deployments are part of the job. But I just doubt that any real thoughts have been put into what a deployment really means. No thought to the emotional issues, the family issues, the health issues, the fear, the worry, the separation from loved ones and friends. Not to mention the living conditions, not being able to see or be with your wife/husband, missing a year of your child's life, living first hand the horrors of combat, the anxiety and fear that you might not come home. It is the "That's what you signed up for" mentality. And I don't know how to react to that.

And of course not everyone is this way. Thankfully I have friends who ask when they don't know, ask because they care and want to know what is going on (presumably because now they know someone in the military, know someone dealing with a deployment, which is fair). But shouldn't everyone be this way? Shouldn't everyone care? Shouldn't everyone want to know?

I guess I just that that regardless of how one feels about the war, about the military even, I would hope that if your country and countrymen are risking life and limb and dying for our country (insert your appropriate political persuasion's comment here), you would at least care to pay attention. Then again, the media isn't helping this situation at all either. If you didn't know any better, an hour watching the news would likely leave you with no inkling that we have nearly 200,000 troops at war in two countries. And that is abominable in my book.

Anyway, that is my rant. I guess this is just a part of being the 1%.