30 June 2008

Curse my Analytical Brain

I must preface any further posts with a fact you must know about me: I am not a writer.

I am a scientist. I have been trained to write in the most boring-to-read style/format ever. Swiss is the writer in this pair. He is witty, creative, eloquent and brilliant with words. I, on the other hand, am not. So bear with me...
Today I am cursing my desire... no, need... to learn about things I don't know. Like being a military spouse. I got it in my head that I needed to read up on the topic... so I searched out other blogs and milspouse resources and I find a few good options. So I marched to the library last Friday and picked up "While They're At War" by Kristin Henderson. And I must say that so far it has been not only a good read, but very informative.

HOWEVER, there is this pesky little chapter called "The Knock at the Door". I cannot explain the fear that it put in my head. I can barely comprehend the gut-wrenching experiences these women endured. And my heart broke a little with each story she told. It was a chapter about being told your spouse, your rock, the love of your life was dead.

Any strength and courage I had mustered up over the past weeks vanished as I lay in bed reading. All I could do was finish the chapter and send a (very) teary-eyed prayer to God begging him to keep Swiss safe and sound.

I don't mean to sound like I am an emotional wreck. I'm not. I am keeping it together. But sometimes the reality of all of this smacks me in the face so hard it knocks me off my feet. It makes me question everything... every decision, every news story, even my faith. This chapter made me realize that these soldiers were just like Swiss. They were wonderful men, all amazing fathers, husbands and friends. They had loved ones praying for them every night. They had the skills, equipment and training the military gave them. They were leaders in their fields. And they still didn't come home.

But prayers, faith, trust and hope (don't forget Luck!) are all I have. Faith that God will keep him safe and return him home to me alive. Trust in his abilities, his smarts, his skills to keep him and his men safe. And hope for our future. That, with a bit of luck, will have to do.

27 June 2008

Step Number One.

So this is my first post.
My first time blogging, actually.

Frankly, I don't know who I am writing to, or what writing this will accomplish, but I hope that this can be a place for me to talk about this new chapter in our life and maybe meet some people who are on this same crazy roller-coaster ride.

In case you want to know... here's a bit about Swiss and I:
Though we are technically not married yet, we will be soon. (Hooray!) And we haven't actually had the luxury of living together full time. What with him at his ROTC instructor post in one state and me at my job at BigHospital and our house in another.
We, at the current date, have a month of separation to get through with him on the West Coast for work. Then 2 more months of weekend-only time together. (And don't get me wrong... I am so grateful for those weekends together! Lord knows those have been the best weekends of my life so far.) Then we get a real, whole, actual month together (!) in which we will 1) move him from his current assignment, 2) get married, 3) honeymoon, and 4) move him to his new assignment South. A long ways South. Which will lead to an unknown amount of time apart, followed by (hopefully) 3 months together on base (Thank You BigHospital!) before deployment.
And no, I won't be living on base while he is in theatre. I will be far, far away from any Family Readiness Groups (FRG) or other MilSpouses. I will still be 4 hours from my family. I will be living in the civilian world, which suddenly seems scarier. But I will have my family (thank God they are retired!). I will have Swiss' family and his wonderful mother who has gone through her share of deployments. I will have my friends. And I will make it through.
Yes, I am scared. Yes, I am frustrated at the lack of control I have over our life together. But more importantly, Yes, I am madly, passionately, truly and completely in love with my best friend. And no matter what comes our way, we will have our Happily Ever After.

So this is the start of my journey.

My biggest priorities are trying to figure out what it means to be a MilSpouse, how to deal with anticipatory grief (How glad was I when I found out it was real and had a name!??!), how to get through this impending deployment while becoming stronger, braver, and still be the best partner to Swiss I can be, how to truly have faith that everything will be okay, how to cope, and how to not lose myself in this process.

It is going to be a challenge. It is going to have it's ups and downs. This I know.

But I will be strong, He will be strong (like he always is). Swiss and I will make it through. There will be a happy ending. :)