Crisis of...

Faith.

Confidence.

Karma.

Luck.

Take your pick...

It feels like I should be either irate or inconsolable with all that has happened, all that is going on, all the utter crap that has been raining down on this little life of ours/mine. Instead, I feel nothing. I am catatonic. I feel like I am just stumbling forward to some theoretical end-date where magically everything will be okay and Swiss will be home and all of this will be behind us. I know that day is out there, I know it is coming, but damn if it doesn't feel like it won't ever get here. Oh, and I don't actually know how to get there. Minor detail.

This weekend's events have left me with a crisis of faith. I can't understand why it was him, why he had to leave like that. I can't fathom why a man that made this world a better place would be taken away prematurely, be he 91 or 19. Pair that along side my pre-existing issues with religion, war, fairness and why nothing is the way it aught to be and I can't tell up from down anymore. I want to pray for Swiss' safe return, I want to pray for the safety of my friend's husbands at war. I want to pray for my loved ones who are struggling with the twists and turns of life. I want to pray to lessen whatever burdens I am lugging around. But I don't think (s)he is listening. I don't think my issues are big enough to register on the radar. I feel small and tossed about and insignificant. I don't know what to do when nothing is going right. I used to pray, but now, it feels like an empty ritual and nothing more. It feels like I am talking to air.

I am in the midst of a crisis of confidence the likes of which I have never before experienced because nothing I am doing is working out, nothing is even close to going as planned. I used to think I could do anything. Now I feel like no matter what I do, its destined for failure. I looked at this deployment as something I could tackle relatively easily. Now I look around and see a house deal that just won't go smoothly, a potential emergency mission to abort our move, a looming mortgage and unemployment amidst family drama and personal loss... not to mention 8 months without my husband. My best laid plans are, currently, a house of cards and it is getting windy in here. For so long there was no doubt in my mind that I could take care of all this alone... no doubt that everything would work out. Now, I just feel like I want to give up. What's the point in trying?

I used to believe in Karma. I always thought that if you did good, if you did the right thing, if you were kind and patient and generous that it would all come back to you. I'm fucking nice all the damned time. I always do the right thing even when it doesn't always benefit me. I don't know where all my Karma went. Maybe I blew the whole lot when I met Swiss. All I know is that it isn't here and I need it. Something fierce.

And I still can't understand why, in the middle of a deployment, I was lucky enough to get stuck with a buyer with the batshit insane agent who doesn't understand basic math and has less than zero personal skills with a side of irrationality. She has magically convinced herself and the buyer that there is a phantom $3000 missing and we are trying to get him to pay it. Which would be true if we had all agreed to sell/buy the house for $3000 more than we did. Also, please check my math:

$159,900-$3,000=$156,900. Yes? So then $156,900-$150,000=$6,900. Okay. Then $6,900/2=$3450. Correct? So if we are paying $3000 closing plus $3450 that means we are bringing (this makes me sick to write) $6450 to the table (less 'profit'). The remaining cost is $3450 that the buyer has to come up with. Correct? So how, pray tell, is the buyer getting the unfair end of it all? I CANNOT TELL YOU BECAUSE IT ISN'T TRUE. But she thinks it is gospel and has now convinced him that we are big mean bullies who are trying to take him for all he's worth. Never mind the insane deal (plus the $8000 from the government that they clearly think we don't know about) he is getting on our house and the $6450 we are paying OUT OF POCKET SO HE CAN HAVE OUR HOUSE. Gah. I give up. Really, I do. Done.

Someone please wake me up when this is all over because I'm pretty sure I can't handle it anymore.

Blogworthy.

REVELATION: In regards to the current situation we are in with the buyer... if this were a game of tennis (wherein I would be a Rafa Nadal type and he would be the 114th Ranked player who eeked into the tournament) the ball would be in his court. Any move on my part would a) make me look like a moron and b) upset the balance of the game. Hunh?

To this I say: WHO KNEW? (Answer: me, obviously!)

Somehow I have contorted the situation into being my issue (something about my house not appraising high enough so I had to do something to remedy the situation) and not his which resulted in much gnashing of teeth and near-ulcer inducing stress. So, per the recommendation of our Agent... we are proceeding as dictated by our signed and legally binding Purchase Agreement and heading towards our closing date of October 5th. Until we hear differently from them, its business as usual. And that thud you heard? It was the massive weight on my shoulders falling to the floor, through it and into the basement.

In the interest of full disclosure, this whole thing could fall apart like a house of cards, but we are prepared to put it back on the market (begrudgingly) to hopefully snag a less batshitcrazinsane buyer if need be. Our Agent is confident it will sell just fine, especially if we lower the price a bit ('round about the number where we would still break even).

So, color me relieved. As hokey as it sounds, I feel like someone has breathed life back into me... like I can finally focus on something, anything else. It is good to be back. Let's just hope its a nice long stay...

Thanks for your patience and kind words and support through all of this. Y'all are rock stars!

Ah ha! New Army Math, explained.

So, my lovely Transportation Officer Cinnamon (yes, that is really her name, but she is nice and patient and I really do like the spice so I'm going with it) called me up this morning to explain why a move that is 110 miles closer will in fact cost us $765. Are you ready for this?

Apparently, the Government sets a nation-wide rate for all moving companies, what they will get paid when they do these Government moves. And, apparently many of the movers from the different states don't think that rate is enough. So each of them have these supplemental rates to get each individual state's movers up to the rate that they are comfortable with. Aaaand, apparently the state we currently live in has a rate that is 25% higher than the state Swiss used to live in. Even though they are right next door and, yeah, this is bullshit and makes no sense to me and I hate this state for so, so many reasons now!

However, my annoyance being vented, I am not upset with the Transportation Office... it isn't their fault and Cinnamon was super nice about it. I just think this is lame. The state we live in is lame. The movers from this state are lame. And I think it is lame how everyone and their cat has their hands (er... paws?) in my pockets. Can you tell I've reached maximum density? At this point I just want to be down at Fort X with all this ridiculousness behind me, my husband home and no more drama. Bwahahahahaha. Not for another 5 months Sucker!

Anyway, we are waiting to hear back about all the appraisal/offer/real estate madness. Swiss and I are both just SO over it. We just want to make this deal work, take our lumps and move on. So what if we loose a bunch of money. I just won't get the new car I've been eyeing up and researching for the past year. No big deal. This is how life works... but I just want it to be OVER already. I'll keep y'all posted but in the mean time, please send us all the good juju you can muster! Thanks everyone!