Flashbacks.

I posted this at my new blog, but I don't know how many of you are over there reading and I thought maybe my MilSpouse readers might appreciate this one, so I posted it here too. That is all!

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So today I was paging through an old pre-Christmas issue of People (one of the ones with Michael Douglas on the cover) while waiting for my chicken curry lunch to heat up in the microwave. Tucked in the back was an article about young widows. While not immediately apparent, it was actually an article about young military widows… how they found out their husbands were killed, how they have bonded over shared experiences, how they have overcome and honored their husband’s memories, etc. I casually flipped through the article and looked at the photographs. It was an article I should have been compelled to read, but I found myself intentionally NOT reading it. Like I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And then I started to feel it. That twisting, churning, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. The rush of panic and fear creeping up your spine and worming its way into your consciousness.

You all know what I mean, right?

That is when I realized that I COULDN’T read it. It was too close to home. Still. It was like a low-level PTSD moment for a MilSpouse. Even here, in South Dakota, safely retired from the Army, with no looming deployment… it still cut to the quick. I couldn’t bring myself to read their stories. It was like peering into the rabbit hole… I was afraid that if I got too close I would tumble in. All those familiar and terrifying feelings coming back to toy with me and mess with my head.

No thanks.

I think the thing about this "episode" is that I am amazed how strongly it hit me, even with all the miles and paperwork separating us from our former military life. It was like I was there, back in the midst of the deployment (or pre-deployment workup/misery/anticipatory grief period) in one instant. I mean, even the physical response was there. It was instantaneous. And it blew me away. I wasn’t expecting that while passing the time in the lunchroom, you know?

I think maybe it hit me so hard, even now, because the anticipatory grief period leading up to the deployment was nothing short of epic for me. Newly married, facing the questions, uncertainty and fear of a deployment (while I realized this isn’t new or special to MilFolks, it does make for a particularly noxious combination of emotions). Knowing he got shot the last time, knowing he was the kind of soldier that wouldn’t back away from a fight, but run headlong into it. Dealing with my first deployment on top of dealing with the bliss/confusion of being freshly wed. Being absolutely terrified of loosing it all before we got to really enjoy it. Having the fear and worry and depression wrap its arms around me and squeeze so tight that sometimes it was hard to breathe. Literally. Not being able to stop crying. Not being able to just STOP imagining the black sedan in front of the house, the knock on the door, the Class A’s standing in front of me. I couldn’t stop living out my worst fears in my head. Not being able to think about the deployment, the war, the Army, my husband it without launching into a mostly silent and internal meltdown. (If you can’t tell, I didn’t talk to many folks about this while I was going through it. Actually, I don’t know that I talked to anyone about it like I just have, here on this blog. Huh. But strangely, the pre-deployment portion of the program was worse than the actual deployment in a lot of ways. Sounds like a blog post for another time, no?)

Anyway, maybe the point is that your biggest fear and/or those life-altering experiences, whatever they may be, stay with you. You don’t really get over those things, not entirely. They linger in the back of your mind and rush forward to elicit the same responses as they did years ago whenever the triggers arise*. Even if the trigger is an article in People magazine. I think this is especially true when it is a fear that you have to confront so regularly and earnestly, like we MilSpouses do. And maybe part of it is that loosing your spouse prematurely is the sort of fear that, once out of the military, isn’t necessarily moot. It is a possibility that we have confronted time and time again, a possibility that really isn’t that unlikely when you are sending your husband off to war. Maybe that is why it stays with me. Then again, maybe it is just because dealing with a deployment was something that rather profoundly affected every part of me, it shaped me in more ways than I can count and who I am now is in large part to the (nearly) 2 years that surrounded it. Perhaps confronting it so early in life, when most couples are more worried about mortgages and daycare, makes the effects even more lasting. I’m not sure. 

I just know that just because the retirement papers are signed doesn’t mean the feelings go away. It is now clear as day to me that our stint in the Army will have an indelible mark on both of us, in different ways for sure, but the mark of the Army will always be there. Always.

*Sounds a lot like PTSD, right? But don’t be mistake my point; I’m not equating my MilSpouse drama with that of combat troops. Apples and oranges for sure.

The Quiet Side of Being a Soldier’s Other Half.

By the ever wonderful, incredibly talented (and fellow MilSpouse Alumnus) Lily Burana. She nailed it. Again. Like she always does. Take a minute and read it, it is beautiful and touching and spot on.

The Quiet Side of Being a Soldier's Other Half.

Informal Poll Please.

This one is for you MilFolk types. When it comes to reading other MilFolk blogs do you prefer:

A) the Everything is Grand and Deployments Don't Really Suck and I Also Poop Rainbows and Fart Fairy Dust in the Face of Any & All Military Diversity! types
or
B) the Let's Get Real, This Shit Sucks Sometimes and I Might Need Heavy Sedation if I Go On Much Longer Thinking I'm Abnormal and/or a Failure For Thinking it Sucks type?

Flaky support or old fashioned pandering?

So, I am fully aware that this next post is going to make me sound kind of country. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I digress. So the hubs likes to watch hunting shows... I watch them with him because life is just better when we are both tucked into our respective corners of the couch (no other place in this house is as comfy as our couch... it is has been independently tested!). But on to my point.

There are quite a few of these shows that like to showcase military things... wether that be tours of bases/posts or featuring a veteran on a hunt or (disgustingly) gratuitous shots of combat video to make the show seem cooler. I've seen it all. Now, the shows where the veteran (be they wounded or not) gets to go on a free hunt to say Hey! Thanks for what you've done! I have no problem with. I appreciate that someone is recognizing what these (generally speaking) men have done for our country and freedom/democracy of others. These individuals and their stories are prominently featured along with the tale of the hunt. All fine and well in my books. The ones where they just showcase Cool Military Stuff and/or People, not cool. But that should be obvious.

However, I've noticed that not a single one of these shows (other than Ted Nugent's)- regardless of the military content they include- advocates its viewers finding out more about any of the number of veteran's organizations or donate money to said programs. The best they usually get is a passing comment at the very end of the show... no links, no phone numbers, no prominent display of logos and no sliver of time featuring them or the work they do. No one mentions the Wounded Warrior Project. No one really talks about the organizations that often makes these hunts possible, Project Healing Waters, The Armed Forces Foundation and Wounded Warriors Outdoors. Why?

The overwhelming lack of promotion for these organizations makes me wonder if featuring the Armed Forces and our vets (especially the wounded ones) in these shows is really nothing more than old fashioned pandering. It shouldn't be a surprise that most hunters and fishermen are of the conservative persuasion... and heavily support our military (as all folks should, regardless of political persuasion)... so is this just a way to play to your audience? I sure hope not.

But, with all that said, I still can't help but wonder why so many of these shows, with captive and sympathetic audiences, don't take advantage of the opportunity to promote the great work they are doing and get more like-minded supporters.

One more Retirement FYI. Or two...

So all of my previous retirement stuff can be found here and here (this one was featured in the Blogs section of the Army's Stand To site and I didn't know it until today- super cool!).

But here's the thing I want y'all to know. (Which I wish we knew). Housing WILL NOT give you your all clear stamp early, and you can't fully clear- and therefore get your DD-214- until you've cleared housing. So, I would suggest that y'all just book yourselves a week or two in a hotel or on-post lodging and get the housing situation squared away sooner rather than later. Otherwise you will be like Swiss and I are now... somewhat akin to jobless college kids home for summer break. Lots of TV and aimless meandering around the house with tiny sporadic bursts of packing.

Back to my point. Seeing as how we did not do this... Swiss can't clear post until the afternoon of the day we plan to leave. And go to finance and to the S1 and get the DD-214 and his retirement awards. Then drive half way from here to Minnesota. Jealous, aren't you?

We shall file this under things I wish someone had told us 6 months ago. And believe you me... that list is turning into a doozie.

Also, here are my sage two cents on all things pertaining to the VA: Do your homework. Looking into the Post 9-11 GI Bill? Find out how long the turn around time is on the applications (weeks, lots and lots of weeks) so you can work with your school accordingly. And get to know the process, which can be convoluted and confusing, so that when you start to navigate it you'll at least have an inkling of what you should be doing. Unhappy with your disability percentage? Find out who to contact with your dispute and get your medical records in order. Like tippy toppy shape. Know them backwards and forwards.

So, that is all I have to say about this topic for the time being. Once this whole brewhaha is over with (FYI- it takes up to 45 days from your formal retirement date to get your disability percentage) I will have a big ole' summary for you guys.

Detaching.

So, I've been thinking about this retirement thing. Not in the what-have-I-forgotten-to-put-on-the-list way... but more philosophically. What I've pretty much come up with is this... in some ways it is like preparing for a deployment. No, the fear and worry and anxiety aren't there (at least not in anywhere near the same levels) but the distancing? The whole steeling yourself against what is going to happen thing? Totally happening.

Swiss and I both find ourselves slowly withdrawing and disassociating from all things military. Obviously it isn't because we don't care anymore. And I know it isn't because all that stuff suddenly doesn't matter. I think it is just our way of preparing to live a life where the military isn't front and center every day. You know, kind of like you do with your spouse before they leave (we all do/did that, right?) for battle. You have to get yourself ready for the new future in front of you that doesn't include that person (hopefully, just for the time being). In our case, that person is the Army.

It is certainly easier to do this now that Swiss is on terminal leave... his only duties are to go to the occasional VA appointment or stop by different offices to get his papers stamped. He doesn't have a work schedule anymore, no PT, no forced family fun, nothing. We are just two non-working folks who happen to live in on-post housing. Is it almost like we are slipping, quite easily, into the retired mode where the only thing we need from the military are the PX/BX and Commissary privileges... and the retirement checks.

I know that this is a time that Swiss was VERY ready to have come. He is ready to move on and not be a soldier anymore. He doesn't have that romantic view of what it means to be in the military... this unit and the deployments have worn that away. He sees it for what it is and is ready to do something else. And I know this is helping him through this process, which I am sure can be difficult for many.

As for me? Well, I don't think I've been a part of this whole machine for long enough to develop serious attachments. Yes, this has been our life for the last 3+ years, but I sort of view it (at this point anyway) as a chapter in a much bigger book. At times, yes, it was all consuming. Absolutely. And at times it was the biggest driving force in our lives... dictating places and times and 100% responsible for enormous emotional burdens and fears. But. It was temporary and we got through it. So yes, I too am ready to move on.

But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this feels a little sad. I know we'll always be a part of this family, but  the thing I loved most about being a military family is the sense of community. Being part of something bigger, having a network and an instant, understandable bond with all the members of this community. Yes, that I will miss the most. But hopefully, either via this blog or other social networking venues, I'll be able to keep the mainline flowing to these relationships and this fabulous community. Because, at the end of the day, it is the people that make our military great, and it will be the people that I miss the most.

Heads up!

I have an important PSA for anyone about to start the new DoD's online personal property shipping process over on move.mil. Ready? It is 100% NON COMPLIANT with a Mac. Like, you cannot use it. At all. From top to bottom the program does not work with any Apple based computer products.

Yes, it is obviously ridiculous that if you require everyone in the military to use this program in order to PCS and have it only work with PCs. No, it isn't a huge deal if you are on post because you can hop over to work or somewhere that has PCs. But when you are on terminal leave 1,200 miles away from post and all of your relation owns Macs? Bwahahaha. Watch Tucker grovel to everyone she knows to let them crash their house and steal their PC for an hour (yes, it takes that long). Thanks Aunt Jane for saving my bacon yet again!

In any event, we got it done. We have a pre-inspection scheduled, we have packing dates and move out dates and it is a done deal. Now? All that is left to do is finish up Swiss's VA appointments when we get back to post and clear the installation. Then, on to our new non-Army life.

Wow.

Did I mention that we still don't have jobs or a place to call home yet?

I. Die.

Hopefully this job interview I have scheduled at the end of the month goes well and we get some of these details ironed out. But until then? Let's call this Tucker's crash course in how to be more carefree and less OCD.

An open letter to the DoD.

Dear DoD,

At the risk of sounding like a stodgy, grumpy old man... please, please, I beg of you... ENOUGH WITH THE TECHNOLOGY ALREADY! And if you want specifics, may I please point your attention to your newest mess website: move.mil. But just be warned, should you take a moment to go check that link to be sure of what I speak, allow for 1-3 minutes for the page to load... and another 1-3 for every subsequent page. Just FYI.

It was bad enough having to apply for housing online while my husband (and personal Cliff Notes to the Military) was deployed. What with the obscure and non-conventional terminology, need for seemingly unrelated documents, and no less than 11 scanned copies of every legal and Army-based document I had in my possession (I wish that was an exaggeration, but it is not).  There was no way to contact someone if I had trouble, and there were no confirmations of receipt. Just me, hanging out in my house hoping that it went through and I didn't FUBAR it. I guess I did okay since I am now writing this from inside my on-post housing, but you sure didn't make it easy.

Now you've gone and taken a system that worked so well, and turned it into a gummed up, confusing, non-intuitive and completely un-user-friendly website that is painfully slow to boot. Rather than have us sit down with an experienced transportation counselor (With other couples no less! Multitasking!) to get briefed and have all of our forms (accurately) filled out and submitted with just a few hours of our time (scheduled at our and your convenience)... you have forced given us this new website in the name of making life easier for military families.

Pshaw! As if!

Please just call a spade a spade from now on. Rather than give us lip-service about this clumsy and difficult program being "for us, to make our lives easier", please just call it a money saving venture. What you are trying to do is downsize your offices and instead of hiring capable, experienced, HELPFUL actual people who can sit down with you and truly make the process easier (who, naturally cost money), you are hiring Tech Firms full of people who know nothing about the DoD or the PCS process and are now just frustrated and unhelpful despite their best intentions (hired, naturally, because they were the lowest bidder).

Instead, what you have left us with is a program that is so over burdened that when you apply to get accepted into the online program, I have to wait 6 hours to get my confirmation because the requests are too plentiful. Come on now DoD, if anyone in this world has a clear understanding of how many folks are in the military and on PCS/Retirement/ETS orders, it is you. And still you didn't think this program through well enough to accommodate us. Thanks. So here we sit, twiddling our thumbs for 6 hours, when, had you just kept things the way they were, we'd be done by now.

Furthermore, you have left no option for real, live help. Even here on post. So when our situation is complicated by non-temporary storage or potential changes in final destinations, and when we find out that there are steps we do or don't need to take because we are retiring... we find out about them only after wasting our time and ending up frustrated. Which may not be a big deal to you, but it is to us.

In case you didn't get the point already, this program has done absolutely nothing to make our lives and this process any easier. Oh, and one other thing, when you decide to go paperless and want all documents scanned and e-mailed to the appropriate offices, it would behoove you to also increase the attached file size allowances. Hotmail lets me download up to 10MB of scanned documents, AKO however wouldn't even let me attach 4 scanned pages despite reducing the scan quality to almost unreadable. Does this mean maybe some guys will get more bandwidth of p0rn somewhere in Afghanistan? Probably. But for those of us doing official business, you know- like moving when you tell us to, it would make us a lot less frustrated.

Really, all we are asking of you, DoD, is that you actually think about the military families that are going to be effected by the changes in programs you want to make... not just your bottom line. We all understand that money is tight, but making us all suffer through poorly thought-out and clumsy programs just to PCS (which, in case you forgot, we do quite often) isn't the answer. I'm all for technology, but even if it makes me sound like an old man, computers and HTML code can't always replace real live people.

Sincerely,
Tucker (and Swiss)

Retirement, Part Deux.

So, are y'all ready for part two? Well, ready or not, here it comes... (and if you missed part one, check it out)

Okay everybody, here's the gist of it: there are things you should do, things you must do, and things that are way more complicated than they should be that often you don't/won't get told about. Is it annoying? Of course. But the main thing is (hopefully) that you get the nitty gritty list from someone who has just gone through it (because we all know in 5-10 years this process is going to be totally different) and make sure you do the things that aren't on the official list. Here is my list.

MEDICAL:

• At the risk of sounding like a broken record, if your spouse should have any ailments, any at all, go to sick call and get it documented! This might require multiple trips (I'd suggest multiple trips with similar ailments bundled into each visit) but it is a very important step that is not written down anywhere. Apparently, the VA reps who review your medical records are mostly trained to hone in on sick call forms... not official medical records. The more of the sick call forms you have, the more accurate their summary of your medical records will be. Otherwise you have to do it and make sure your MDs know about it.

• Also, be aware that these MDs doing the VA physicals are booked. Always. Expect a 5-6 week wait for your first appointment. This is where the planning ahead and allowing time for this stuff will really work in your favor.

• Be warned that there WILL be extra appointments. While you are allowed to do these appointments while on terminal leave, the 2 or so appointments they first schedule you for aren't the last ones you'll be doing. Most of these will be scheduled only after the first round. Be sure to leave wiggle room in your schedule for these!

HOUSING/TRANSPORTATION:

• Get with housing and transportation. Here, housing told me in January that they were okay with only 2 weeks notice for retirements, which was awesome. Turns out that isn't the case (thankfully we have more than enough time to schedule it). However, since transportation requires the usuall 30 days, it is sort of a moot point. Your post might be different so check in to it early and often! Ask lots of questions and if something sounds hinky, ask again!

• Be ready to be flexible with every aspect of this last PCS. Assuming that you have left yourself tons of time to complete this, it shouldn't be an issue. However, given how fickle things can be with theses processes, be sure to give yourself enough of a window. And, unlike some more traditional PCS scenarios (assuming you are moving to a location not near your current duty station and not near another military installation), plan to stay a night or two on post after you clear housing. This will allow you to get registered with the VA and tie up any loose ends that you may be used to tying up before moving out of housing.

DOCUMENTS GALORE:

• Be mindful of the documents you will need in your new non-Army endeavours. Mainly your retirement orders, your DD-214, and any documentation supporting preferences given in hiring (Purple Heart, 30+% disability, etc). These documents can help you quite a bit, but anyone who is willing to help a Vet wants documentation, so have it in a handy place.

• Did I mention something last time about getting organized? At this point, if you haven't done it, sit down and do it. You should have files for the medical records, files for the VA, files for clearing, and the ever-important file for all the papers and orders you need to get anything done on post.

INSURANCE:

• This is one of those things that they give you pamphlets on and let you figure out the rest. Fun, right? I'll give you the run-down: Your spouse will automatically be removed from TriCare Prime when they get their new card and status change to "Retired", though they will still be covered under Standard. At this point, you get to choose what insurance you want, assuming you are not eligible for the VA insurance. TriCare Prime is really only going to do you any good if you end up living relatively close to a major military installation. The enrollment fee is cheap ($400 per family per year), and the co-pays are wonderfully awesome, but you are mostly limited to in-service providers (like a HMO) which are only going to be present in helpful enough numbers near a military base. But FYI- Prime Remote is no longer an option when you transition to retired status! TriCare Standard or Extra will likely serve you best if you are going to move somewhere less close to military medical care/military installations. This is still a pretty cheap option, but you will be required to pay a little bit more as a dependent than you used to (something like 5% more). Either way, you have to re-look at your insurance situation with a new set of eyes, be aware of your final location, costs and physician availability.

• Be cognizant of the fact that you are paying for insurance out of pocket. When you get offered your next non-military job, be sure to keep this bargaining chip in mind. Most employers pay some or all of your enrollment fees and whanot. Be sure to let them know you won't be participating (unless it is way better/cheaper than TriCare) and see if they will pony up extra money for your salary or extra vacation days. This goes for you too spouses!!!

So, there you have it, the latest and greatest hits from the Tucker and Swiss Retirement Tour. I'll keep you all posted as things get crazier! And as always, let me know in the comments if there are other issues you have questions about!

How's that for a welcome home?

Hey everyone! How've you been? Me? I'm good. Recovering from a sunburn (100% not my fault, and I'm still looking at you Katie) and a bit of jet lag, but Hawaii was awesome and everyone had a great time. There was plenty of beach time, lots of island related adult beverages, cheesy movies, cute kids and stellar conversations. All in all? Great vacation!

But guess what I came home to? The (semi) exciting news that Swiss's retirement is much more imminent than we had thought. In other words, his terminal leave starts somewhere in the middle of next week. Terminal leave. Next week. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!? Of course this means the hubs wants to go home to Minnesota and Wisconsin for two weeks (100% in the name of hunting- at least he isn't trying to hide that fact). Which of course means that when we get back to Fort X we will have right around 3 weeks to PCS.

Three weeks. To PCS.

That whirring noise? Yeah, don't worry, thats just my head spinning round and round...

Do I think we can do this even though we are only about 11% prepared for this? Sure. There are two of us this time, there is no house to sell, and now we both have the joyous experience of a PCS under our belts. But really? How did we think waiting this long would be a good idea? Talk about the summer getting away from us! Turns out October really isn't too far away from August... Hmph.

Now, in our defense, this surprise early terminal leave will suck up 2 of what would have been a 5 week grace period. I'm still not sold on this trip up North being a good idea, but I don't have the heart to tell Swiss no. He missed so much last year and it really would suck if he had to miss out on all of it again because of a stupid PCS. But oy... I can already feel my OCD tendencies coming up to the surface.

Like the insane 6 week calendar I made out of poster board yesterday (2 sheets! I'm crazy!). Replete with VA appointments, packing lists, clearing lists and general to-do list. Because, you know, a normal calendar just wouldn't cut it. It really was disturbing how much better it made me feel to have that sucker up on the wall. And of course it helps remembering all of the things I FUBAR'd the last time (that would be why the lists are so long and detailed). But my confidence level of having both the housing office and the transportation office working on the same schedule we are? Hahahahhahahahahahaha... head, meet desk.

In any event, I'm sure it will work out. Neither of us have jobs yet (but that's another post for another day) but the good news is that we still have some time. 5 weeks. Really folks, this is insane! So yeah, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride! Have a stellar weekend everyone! You know where I'll be... eyeball deep in moving boxes and packing lists!

This is bananas. AKA the Retirement process.

Y'all, seriously, the whole retirement process really is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I've been wanting to write about this process for some time now, but is is so long and drawn out that there has been no good time to to sit down and put it to paper screen. But I suppose now we are coming to a close and there really is no better time than the present. And before I get started, to all you Navy/Marine/Coastie/Air Force folks, sorry! I don't know how much of this is consistent across the board (I'd imagine the VA stuff is) but all I can speak to is the Army's process... in any event, I hope even this little bit can help you prepare for a future ETS or retirement!

So, the long and short of it is this: ACAP, VA, meetings, meetings, seminars, meetings, VA, ACAP, ACAP, retirement office, VA, housing, transportation, VA, VA physicals, retirement office, VA. Or something near that. What you need to know is that it is a long process with a lot of stops along the way, make sure you leave plenty of time to do it all. And a stash of beer or wine won't hurt!

ACAP is the Army's program for transitioning out of the service. Everything from interview skills, resumes, job searches, how to dress for interviews, job fairs, prospective employer meet and greets, generally just a whole lot of how to get your shit together for life outside the Army. It is a great program and, aside from the nutty schedules for the seminars and meetings, full of useful information. ACAP is awesome and be sure to take full advantage of it. And spouses! You can use ACAP too! Your spouse isn't the only one transitioning out of the Army so you can participate in their resume workshops and job fairs as well. Use it!

The VA stuff is insane. Insane because the sheer amount of information they throw at you, insane because of the mind-boggling loopholes and if-then scenarios they pose. And insane because when you are retiring, how you handle the VA stuff before you leave duty will have a MAJOR impact not only on your disability, but on how easily you will be able to navigate the VA system once you are in it. Suffice to say, the more you do, and the better/more thoroughly you do it, the easier your life will be in the future. But be prepared to have your mind blown by how the system works. BANANAS.

The retirement office on post handles lots of the paperwork. All the DD-214s and retirement orders and they are the ones who actually get you out of the Army. My 2 cents when working with them? Be Prepared. Have copies of all your necessary documents, have copies of all your awards and honors, and review what the system says you have (in terms of time in service, duty stations, ranks, awards) before you walk in the door. Double checking is your best friend. And play nice with your representative- they can make your life hell if you make their job difficult (that should be obvious, but this is one person you want on your good side!)

Now, back to the VA insanity. This is probably the single most important part to retiring (a little less so for ETSing) so I'm gonna focus here a bit. The things I think y'all need to know up front are these:

• VA systems are based on a regional format. These regions DO NOT interface (as insane as this may be, it is the truth). If you move from one region to another, it is 100% on you to take your medical records with you and ensure that your records are transferred to your new region. 100% on you. Did you get that? Its all on you to make sure this stuff transfers the way it should.

• The VA system is not one stop shopping. It is like the utility company, if you are having problems with the electric, you wouldn't call the water company, right? BE SURE WHO YOU ARE CALLING. If you aren't sure, ask or check online. Because if you call the wrong folks? They will not help you, you will get frustrated, and you will give up... loosing out on benefits and help. And this is probably the single most common mistake when dealing with the VA.

• Have your medical records in tip-top shape. I mean it! You need to account for every bump and bruise going in to these VA appointments. The whole point is that someone will review the records and then set up medical appointments to corroborate and suss out any health issues. The more complete your records are, the more likely you will a) get an accurate disability rating and b) get these things on record for both future healthcare and future disability should the condition worsen. Very important stuff folks. And this could be thousands of dollars over a lifetime. (Did you know that tendonitis in and ankle or knee, if documented, is 10% straight away??? And that stuff adds up!)

• ASK QUESTIONS! The whole thing is complicated and confusing... fro the Post 9-11 GI Bill down to how and when to register with the system (FYI- you register on the first day you are no longer an active duty soldier). If you aren't sure, ask, because sometimes finding the answer out yourself could take days. The more notes you take early in the process and the more questions you ask, the better you will understand the process... or at least where to start looking when you have issues. This will serve you well in the long run. I promise!

As for the rest of it? These tid-bits pertain to anyone getting out- ETS or Retirement. These are the nuggets of wisdom I've taken away from the process so far and I think they will help anyone going through this:

• Schedule! This stuff takes time. And the meetings/presentations/specific hours that things are done are ridiculous and all over the place. Leave yourself enough time to get all this taken care of without rushing. Rushing leads to mistakes and mistakes lead to problems. If you have questions, talk to the ACAP folks and the people in the retirement office. They will know! Also, some of these meetings require your spouse to attend, so be prepared and have your calendars open!

• Schedule! Part two! Make sure your unit is allowing you enough time to get through the retirement process. As I said, this takes time and if you are tasked with labor and time intensive duties when you should be ACAPing or doing your VA physicals, you will be scrambling at the last minute to get it all done. These appointments will dictate when you can PCS and when your terminal leave can start- the sooner you get done, the more enjoyable and stress-free the final stages will be. (Trust me, we are living this nightmare right now because Swiss got tasked with running EIB when he should have been working on retiring. NIGHTMARE!)

• LISTEN! Pay close attention to the content of those meetings. As boring as they are (and I know they are, I've sat through them!) they are chock full of useful information that you will (WILL) need in the future. Take notes, ask questions, pay attention! They will cover everything from Post 9-11 GI Bill benefits, VA health care, insurance, claiming preference... it is all so important! So don't tune out, don't doodle, don't take naps. Suck it up and pay attention. Your bank account, sanity, and future health care will benefit in the long run.

• Document. Have your paperwork in order. This means everything from medical records to NCOERs and promotion paperwork, honors and awards, re-enlistment contracts... the whole kit and caboodle. The better organized you are the easier the whole process will be. Take some time before you start the process to get this all in order. It will save you lots of headaches in the coming months. 

• Be flexible. Both in schedule and attitude. Know that your dream PCS/terminal leave dates may or may not work. Know that the date you want to do a particular ACAP meeting might be booked, have alternates in the back of your mind. Be prepared to bounce around the offices and missing some of the silly hours they have set up for these things (because you have no way of knowing they only look at medical records from 8-11 on Mondays). As frustrating as it might be, it is necessary because they don't make it easy on you. Consider yourself warned.

• Organize! Make yourself a big old file folder (or set aside a drawer, box, whatever) and keep all this stuff you'll be getting in one place. There will be more handouts and information than you can keep track of, so start some files for each item so you can find it again. I SO wish we would have done this early on. I am faced with doing this now and it is a HOT MESS. Also, this will serve you well in the future as you need to go back and reference this information.

• BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE! The people helping you are just doing their job. As nice as they may be, its no skin off their back if you get screwed in the end. I don't mean to sound cynical, but it is in your best interest to pay attention to what is going on. Case in point, when Swiss's medical records were getting reviewed his (VERY) well documented history of a thyroid disorder, skin cancer and a gunshot wound from combat were missed. If he hadn't spoken up, not only would his medical care have suffered, but we would have missed out on something like 70% disability. Huge deal folks! HUGE! If you aren't going to pay attention and look out for yourself, you can't expect someone who sees you as just another case to do it for you. So, this might be the single most important pointer I can give you. Take ownership of this process and the information- double check, triple check and pay attention! Be your own advocate. Period!

Okay, so that is the nitty gritty cliff notes version of this process so far. As more things come to light, I will pass on whatever nuggets of wisdom I glean. And also, please, please, please don't hesitate to ask questions either by e-mail or in the comments if you have them. I'm by no means an expert in this, but I'd be glad to pass on whatever information I have!

Stay tuned for more information! Ooh, and let me know if there are aspects of this process you specifically want more information on... I'll do my best to help out however I can.

His career and my 2 cents.

You've read those blog posts and heard/overheard those conversations, right? The ones where the spouse of the soldier (etc.) bravely and calmly says that her husband's career choices in the military really are just up to him since it is HIS career after all. Please tell me you have (though if you haven't just search around the blog-o-sphere, you'll find them, I don't want to post links as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelers)... because I need to suss some things out in regards to this topic.

First, I get it. I mean, I understand the whole mentality of not putting your foot down and DEMANDING that your spouse ETS or Retire or switch MOS, because generally demands don't play so nice with marriages. And I'd be willing to bet that around 90% of us knew we were marrying the military type, so there is a certain amount of latitude that must be given. I get that. I really do. There is a part of you that feels incredibly selfish and demanding and not all that wonderful when you start to think about putting in your 2 cents (or 5 dollars) when it comes to these topics.

Second, I sort of understand the parallels I see some spouses trying to make between their civilian career and his. You know, the whole I wouldn't want him telling me what jobs to take and not to take or when to move or quit, so I shouldn't do it to him. Because, on some level that is totally spot on. I wouldn't want Swiss demanding or telling me in no uncertain terms what I could and could not do with my career, to turn down opportunities or a big promotion for whatever reason. I am an independent lady after all, with a strong will to boot. I think we can all imagine how well that would go over, right? So it is, on the surface of things, understandable to draw the same conclusions about your say and his career.

However... for me, that parallel doesn't really work unless your civilian job is that of a Blackwater contractor or maybe a MD with Doctors Without Borders (or you are in the military yourself). Because my job as a cytotechnologist or teacher or nurse or advertising executive generally only comes with ancillary requirements like occasional overtime or working weekends, maybe a pay cut or the rare travel to some safe garden spot for a short conference. No job I've ever had put my life in jeopardy, sent me away from home for a year or more every 15 moths or so or left my family to deal with the very real possibility of me not coming home- ever. And no job I've ever had came with contracts that couldn't be broken or guaranteed moves every few years under penalty of jail time. And last I checked, most civilian jobs can or could be left at the office so to speak. None of those things can be said for a job in the military. Not a one.

Also, isn't all we ever talk about how this career our spouses choose is really a lifestyle for the whole family, sacrifices and bonuses and all? So how does this whole Hands Off! mentality when it comes to his career jibe with our general thesis on military life? How can we, on one hand say that these deployments effect us all, but on the other say that decisions regarding the career that causes these deployments is no place for my opinion?

I guess my questions/issues on this topic arise because when it came time for Swiss to PCS the last time, when talks of retirement or staying in started to surface, it was a family decision. We talked about it together. I made me feelings and opinions known, politely of course, but Swiss always knew what my feelings on these topics were. We, as a family, talked about the benefits and cons of each of the duty stations and the job assignments and expectations that would come with each place (you know, light infantry versus mechanized units, 1SGT time or staff duty, etc.). We talked about wether or not this was the right time to retire, what the benefits would be to staying in and what impact that would have on our lives, my career, his career and all that jazz. At the end of the day, we made decisions based on what was best for our family. If Swiss was single, he'd probably stay in for another 3-6 years, but those extra deployments and PCSs just weren't what made sense for us.

Now, with all that said, I really do want to open up a dialogue about this topic even though I haven't shielded my views even a smidge (hey, I'm just being honest!). How do you feel about this? How much input do you give (or are allowed) on your spouse's military career? Where is the line between being selfish and doing what is best for your family? How have you and your spouses dealt with these issues in the past? And are you a subscriber to the "Its his career" mentality? If so, why?

Okay Ladies, have at it in the comments! Just play nice with each other, okay?

Pride and punishment.

For the past few months Swiss has been in charge of planning, organizing and running his battalion's Expert Infantryman Badge testing. It's been countless weeks of late hours, planning and prepping for a week's worth of testing... brutal testing and brutal hours and brutal standards, all in the name of the coveted EIB.

This morning was the final test... after over 300 started, there were less than 40 something soldiers embarking on the 12 mile road march in full battle rattle. Three hours of marching, running, slugging it out to make this week's worth of punishment worth it. And you know what? By the time they were coming on into the homestretch? It was already 82 degrees.

I drove Swiss in to work not a half hour ago, and when I dropped him off, I was held at the intersection by a guard to let these EIB soldiers cross the road on their way to the finish. The driver's seat in our sedan suddenly became a front row seat to one of the most beautiful scenes I've ever witnessed.

To my right, near headquarters, every unit was in formation in their PTs, with flags flying, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the EIB soldiers from their unit. They were joined by the proud wives and kids of these troops... all waiting to see the familiar face they came to cheer on. And every time a new soldier crested the hill, bogged down by their helmet and body armor, hands tired from carrying their M4 for three hours, feet dragging from the relentless 12 mile march.... the crowds roared and that troop's unit broke formation. The cheers and clapping were almost deafening. Those soldiers ran, no, sprinted to their soldier and started running/marching with him shouting and clapping the entire way. They cheered him on, motivated him in those last brutal 200 yards, encouraged him and urged him on to the finish. You could literally see the candidate's morale soar, their cadence quicken, their shoulders straighten. You could see it working. It was beautiful and it made my heart soar. I wish you all could have seen it.

The pride and the Esprit de Corps was nearly overwhelming... the joy and exuberance these soldiers had when their soldier came into the home stretch was palpable and they weren't afraid to show it to anyone who was watching. It actually made me a bit misty, to see these battle-hardened men cheering and running like kids again, all to support a member of the unit in attaining the EIB.

There is no telling how many of these men made the required time. Im sure Swiss will have the update when he gets home. But I suppose, in this story and for me, that isn't the point. It was the unity and the pride and the unconditional, unabashed support. Really, truly, it was magical. And I feel so lucky to have seen it.

Here's hoping every last one of them passed. And to those who did? Congratulations... and enjoy the hell out of your weekend. Hooah.

Deployment by proxy.

So, Kid B and my daughter in law are about to embark down the long, sad, agonizingly annoying road of another deployment. Bless their souls, they are both about 21 and on their second one already. The D date is approaching fast and I hate seeing her go through all the pre-deployment build up... she is an Army brat herself, so deployments aren't new to her, its just that I can't help but think at the end of the day watching your husband leave for parts unknown, rife with danger, is something you never get used to. Wether you are 21 or 31 or 41. Wether you've been married a year or 20. Wether it is your first or last. My guess is that it always feels the same:


Gut wrenching. Fearful. Worried. Anxious. Uncertain.

Trepidation. Sadness. Exasperation. Anger.

Lonely. Oh Lord the loneliness...

Mentally and physically bracing yourself for whatever it is that will come your way in the ensuing year. Trying to be strong, trying to do it all yourself. Just trying to make it through.


And she is doing it with three small girls. I don't know how she does it, but she is a good girl and I know she will be fine. But I'll tell you what, watching her prepare, reading her Facebook updates brings back all those feelings, all the memories of those days leading up to the deployment. It puts me back in that gymnasium, choking back tears, trying to stay strong... not knowing how the following year would be, not knowing if we would come out of it for the better, ... not knowing if he would even come home. Ugh, I'm giving myself heartburn just thinking about it. I want to reach out to her, tell her it will all be okay, but of course none of us know that. I wish there was something I (we) could do other than simply offering to be there for her and the girls. But that is how these things go.

Swiss talked to Kid B yesterday, probably one of the last times until things get settled in theater, and even he didn't know what to say. From one soldier to another, it was only I love you and stay safe, send us your address once you get it. Because really, what else is there to say? It is an experience we have all been through, but it seems that no matter how many times you do it, we know there isn't anything we can do or say to make it any better. It is just something that has to be done, and all you can do is be there when it starts and gut it out until it is over.


I (we) pray that Kid B's deployment is depressingly boring and terribly uneventful even though I know that isn't what he wants. I pray for his safety, for his unit's cohesion, for strength of leadership, for keeping his nose out of places he doesn't need to be. I pray that he comes home safe and healthy, to a family that is anxiously awaiting his arrival. I pray that nothing falls apart, that everyone gets through this year with flying colors, and I pray that this year, for them, flies by.

Stay safe and come home soon Kid B.

DoD gets a big fat DO BETTER: MyCAA

I am sure you all have heard around the blog-o-sphere... but the DoD has reinstated the MyCAA program, only with some pretty massive changes. Here's the link directly to the press release: DOD to Resume Restructured Military Spouse Career Program

Okay, so first things first on my Bitch List (patent pending):
1.  What the heck is with restricting these benefits to spouses of service members with pay grades E1 through E5, WO1-WO2 and O1-O2? That is effectively removing any Senior spouse from any benefits.

According to their press release, this segregation was put in place to help the spouses with the greatest need. I, for one, wholeheartedly disagree. Now, that isn't to say that those spouses aren't in need. It is me saying what does my spouse's rank have to do with need? Swiss is an E-8 and I, for all practical purposes, lost my hard earned career (which required extra schooling on top of my Bachelor's degree- this will be an important point in a minute) when we PCS's this last time. No jobs in the area and no other careers that would allow me to use my Cytology degree.

I am assuming that this "need" is likely financial, which I sort of get. However, I would then like to point out that for some of us with previously lucrative careers, loosing that income can have just as big of an impact on the household finances as that of any Junior spouse. Me? Leaving my job in Minnesota meant that we as a family made over $60,000.00 less this year. SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. Less. Try to tell me that isn't justification for "need". To me, it is so naive to think that Senior spouses who loose careers and their families are less impacted by the lack of extra income. And it is a slap in the face to most Senior spouses who have endured tens of PCSes and have had to leave numerous jobs, resulting in resumes that look more like vacation itineraries, that their need isn't high enough because their spouse's rank is too high. In some regards, I think the senior spouses are the more likely to need the career guidance, the tweaks educational paths and the ones more in need of funding to help get new state certifications/licensure for pre-existing careers.

2. What the heck is with the funding only being available to those seeking Associates degrees, certifications or licensure?

Now, at the risk of sounding like a degree snob, rarely is an Associates degree the pathway to ANY career. Mostly, it is a pathway to a Bachelors degree- which is not permissible under this new program. If the real goal is to get spouses into portable careers that will help lend financial stability to the family and increase spouse morale... this ain't the way to do it. I fail to understand how limiting the types of degrees available to these spouses is helpful at all. What about the spouse one year away from finishing up a Bachelors degree? Too bad. What about one looking to get a Masters in Education to increase their odds of getting hired at a DoD school after their next PCS? Nope, not you! The spouse who wants to get a degree to be a therapist or counselor or social worker specifically to work with and help military families? HA! Why would the DoD help YOU?

Many of the spouses that I know who have truly portable careers, have much more than an Associates. And that isn't to say that it is impossible to get a great job/career with an Associates... but the DoD is encouraging a culture of underachieving. They are pushing spouses to get lesser degrees and maintain the norm of under-earning and flooded career paths. Not all of us can be medical transcriptionists or massage therapists. I do not approve.

I fail to see why the DoD is unwilling to let the spouses who qualify use the funds (which are fixed at $4,000 total, not to exceed $2,000/year) in any way they see fit. I would think that the end benefit from allowing these spouses get/finish advanced degrees would far outweigh any cons... and come to think of it, I can't come up with any cons. If the finances are fixed, it shouldn't matter what degree you get with that money.

And what is worse, is that the DoD is touting this as a vehicle to improve spouse morale and careers over time. Associates degrees and certifications WILL NOT do this. It is a band-aid at best on a wound that would be better served with stitches. To say it is shortsighted is not even the half of it. By targeting the younger spouses, it would make infinitely more sense to open the degree options up to the higher degrees to help create real career paths, rather than temporary ones, which is precisely what this format will do. Ask yourself: What will these spouses do in 5 years when advancement their field/career requires a Bachelors or Masters? You will have a generation of MilSpouses stalled out in entry-level careers. How is that fixing anything?

3. My biggest, over-arching problem with this re-vamp and the whole MyCAA debacle is that it is/was a failure to the greater MilSpouse community because the DoD just doesn't get it. There are promises of help and vows of caring... but the massive lack of useful, flexible, pro-active help for spouses only serves to illustrate how out of touch the DoD is with the problem

To say that they were caught off guard by the program's initial success and demand for services only goes to show that they never fully understood the MilSpouse career/education problem in the first place. I would guess that if any MilSpouse was asked if the program would be a raging success, they would have said yes without hesitation. Simply because we all understand how hard it is to get a good education or career that stays with you through years of military moves- and that the constant moves often lead to career do-overs and changes. The fact that the program was underfunded makes it ever-so apparent that the DoD has been (and still are) massively underestimating how big the issue is. Furthermore, by limiting the availability of the funding as well as the dollar amount AND the scope of its use, they aren't helping fix the problem for those who do qualify. They are only creating more of the same.

To say that I am frustrated by this turn of events is putting it mildly. I am not using this program and, frankly, even if I wanted to I couldn't (on like 3 counts). But, the bigger point is that in order to fix a problem, you first have to understand the root of it. Throwing money and restrictions at the problem will likely only lead to business as usual. Until the DoD chooses to TRULY understand why this is an issue for so many of us, why an Associates or certification isn't enough, why basing one's access to funding on their spouse's pay grade is just plain ridiculous, and that their idea of who and what a MilSpouse is (and what his/her goals might be) just might be stuck in the 50's, no augmentation to a program like this will result in true change.

I am disappointed in you DoD. It is one thing to bail on or modify promises, but it is an entirely different offense to fail (willingly or unwillingly) to understand the people you are claiming to be so committed to. It isn't help if it doesn't lead to change. And if you are so unwilling to understand our issues at their core, no number of programs, no amount of money, no level of "commitment" will ever improve the situation. So yes, you get a big fat Do Better. And don't expect a "Thank You" for the slap in the face either.

PS- for other takes on the MyCAA Hott Mess... check out the blog roll on the right. I think the top 10 are mostly posts on this very issues. The Natives are NOT happy folks! Pipe up and share you frustrations!

Home sweet home...

So I've been thinking lately... we live on post, but most of my MilSpouse friends don't. Like I'd guess 90% don't. And that makes me curious.

We love living on post. Yes, Swiss's high rank allows for a larger house (though his BAH is also higher and could be used -perhaps- better off post), but we really like being close to everything here. Because we are so close to everything, it isn't an ordeal to run to the PX/Commissary/whatever and usually Swiss gets to come home for lunch. And the 'rush hours' (all 8 of them) on and off post here are RIDICULOUS so we figure it would be best to not have to mess with it. Plus we knew we wouldn't be here a whole year, so dealing with the housing office in regards to leases made a ton more sense than a landlord to us. Now, to be fair, I truly think that if we were staying in much longer or got Stop-Lossed we would still live on post. Swiss likes it and, oddly enough, so do I.

But. I know we aren't in the majority. Loads of folks live off post for a litany of reasons. Heck, most of the folks we know down here at Fort X live off post and, like I said before, most of my MilSpouse friends live off post too. So what gives?

I guess I am wondering why you choose to live off post... what is it that drives your decisions when you PCS somewhere new? Is it based on the deployment schedule, availability, location, intense desire to get away from the bugles and Humvees or do you love waking up to the sounds of Reveille and Apaches flying overhead? Does it very depending on the post you are at? Do you rent or buy if you live off post? I am super intrigued to hear your responses and reasoning!

So you tell me! You can choose multiple items in the poll... first choose where you live (one of the first 3 options) and then tell me why... either in the poll or the comments.

Home sweet home is... and why?
	On Post
	Off Post (own a home)
	Off Post (rental)
	Housing can be had for less than your BAH
	Need a break from all things Military
	Love the convenience of living near everything on Post
	Other, I'll tell you in the comments
pollcode.com free polls

Thanks for humoring me dear Readers! Hope your weeks are all off to a great start!

Rachel on Afghanistan.

Regardless of your political persuasion... take 10 minutes and watch this piece by Rachel Maddow. She brings up a littany of of great points and really crystalizes many of the things I've been thinking about this war but unable to articulate. And lest you think this is some sort of liberal push... Swiss is a pretty conservative guy and he agrees 100% and thought the piece was very well done. In any event, take a few minutes, set aside any notions of partisan media or liberal sway, and watch this with an open mind, because it isn't about politics, it is about our men and women who serve and sacrifice, and if it is really worth it in the end.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

And thanks to LAW for posting this first.

Entitled?

Cross posted from LeftFace... go check out some of our other writer's takes on this topic!

HELL YES. Yes, we are entitled. Period. End of sentence.

Then again, maybe deserving is the better term. Certainly sounds less undeserving and snooty, don’t you think???

When I hear stories like the one posted here about the Marine’s family (the one Tom Rick’s re-posted on his blog and raised the ire of some commenters) having to beg to get home with their fallen soldier, when I hear stories about families falling through the cracks because of too few services, spouses giving up hard-earned careers to PCS from installation to installation every 3-ish years with no real help on the horizon, when I hear about programs getting yanked (Hello MyCAA!) without proper notice and without regard for those affected… I get angry. Not because I am a MilSpouse and those issues affect me too. Not because I think any of these programs are The Best Ever. Not because I think that we are better than our civilian counterparts. And not because my family or I use any of these programs. (Which, for the record, do not.) But because someone made a promise to us… someone said what you do, what you endure, what you experience as a MilSpouse warrants a bit of help, warrants a helping hand when your spouse’s career and the Greater Good stacks the deck against you in nearly every way (home life, marriage, parenting, friendships, career, sanity), warrants programs that help you because you are stationed 1,200 miles away from the family & friends that would normally lend a hand, warrants the respect and compassion of the civilian world who really have NO idea what it is like to be one of us. And they were right.

I think we (Military Families) have earned these programs and the respect of the American Public and I don’t think for one minute that we are out of line when we expect these things to be there for us. I think we are justified in our rage over the indifference of the American Public, I think we are right to expect a little bit of help when we put our spouse’s career (and, again the Greater Good) ahead of all else, I think we are even, sometimes, warranted in our isolation from the civilian world (really, how many times can you suffer through a conversation where someone just doesn’t get it and refuses to try?), and, in case you were wondering, also think that sometimes we are wrong. But I digress.

Saying we ‘deserve’ all this or that we have earned it may reek of entitlement but it’s the honest truth. Why? Because we are different, our lives are different. No matter which way you slice it, we are different from our civilian spouse counterparts. What we do, what our families do, what our spouses do is more dangerous, more treacherous, more risky, more honorable than any (okay, most) of the civilian families out there. What we sacrifice, what we deal with (on a nearly annual basis, not to mention training), what our spouses do is just plain different. We don’t have the choices they do, we don’t have the latitude, we don’t have the control over our lives like they do. We are servants of the DoD. By choice. So they don’t have to be. So yeah, we deserve it. And we earned it.

Of course, we volunteered for this, yes, we chose this life. BUT. That is the point. We did what no one wanted to do. We stood up and said, WE will bear this burden for you. We said its okay for you to stay home in your safe and cozy subdivision with your picket fence and American Dream, we’ll do annual deployments, sustain a marriage over the phone, run a household alone, miss holidays, miss births, cram in weddings on R&R, all while living in fear of a dark sedan, a knock on the door and a future as a Gold Star family.

Did I know what I was getting into? Hell no. I had no idea what I was in for. I just knew I loved a man who happened to be in the Army. But this whole ‘choosing’ business really sticks in my craw. The American Public should be grateful, relieved and revere those who CHOSE to do this so they wouldn’t have to. And for the record, if choosing means I loose my right to whine about it, then I don’t want to hear you whine about your kids or your husband or your job, because after all, you choose them. But, again, I digress.

In light of all this, it is so sad that we get grief over the programs that are out there to support us. When we (rightfully) complain about programs that are either not in place and should be or are taken away, we get called entitled and chided for asking for handouts. To that I say BACK THE TRUCK UP. After all our families sacrifice, it shouldn’t kill anyone to give us a few extra dollars to go back to school and scrape out a new career that may travel with us on our next PCS (which makes the communities we live in better and stronger). It seems perfectly reasonable to have programs or volunteers who offer actual help to our families, from marriage counseling, therapy, childcare, house/yardwork, and some tax-free income. It seems downright silly to question a year of tax-free salaries when the trade-off is bullets, IEDs, suicide bombers, overflowing Port-A-Potties, dead birds in your dining hall, MRE’s, sand in places sand has no business being in and missing out on a year in the life you built for yourself. I’d say we even deserve a bit more. And, it wouldn’t hurt if more than 3 people would stand up on a flight of over 100 and say, here, have my seat, your loved one gave his life for our country and for the betterment of the lives of others (so I didn’t have to), I can change my plans so that you can accompany his body home for his funeral.

If that makes us entitled… then fine, I’m okay with it. Last time I checked no one was asking for free vacations to Hawaii, 80” flat screen TVs and sports cars in every car port (because our “free” housing doesn’t come with garages or basements and they always share walls)… we are asking for support, we are asking for help when the cards are against us, we are asking for the respect that has been earned. And I don’t think that’s asking too much. Period.

*Caveat: Of COURSE there are soldiers/familes/spouses that maybe aren’t on the up-and-up, of course there are some that are despicable and unreasonable, but they aren’t the norm (thankfully).

Memorial Day, 2010.

Arlington National Cemetary, originally uploaded by Awesomesauce Studios.

"The 30th day of May is designated for the purpose of strewing with flowers or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion, and whose bodies now lie in almost every city, village, and hamlet church-yard in the land. In this observance no form of ceremony is prescribed, but posts and comrades will in their own way arrange such fitting services and testimonials of respect as circumstances may permit.

We are organized, comrades, as our regulations tell us, for the purpose among other things, "of preserving and strengthening those kind and fraternal feelings which have bound together the soldiers, sailors, and marines who united to suppress the late rebellion." What can aid more to assure this result than cherishing tenderly the memory of our heroic dead, who made their breasts a barricade between our country and its foes? Their soldier lives were the reveille of freedom to a race in chains, and their deaths the tattoo of rebellious tyranny in arms. We should guard their graves with sacred vigilance. All that the consecrated wealth and taste of the nation can add to their adornment and security is but a fitting tribute to the memory of her slain defenders. Let no wanton foot tread rudely on such hallowed grounds. Let pleasant paths invite the coming and going of reverent visitors and fond mourners. Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time testify to the present or to the coming generations that we have forgotten as a people the cost of a free and undivided republic.

If other eyes grow dull, other hands slack, and other hearts cold in the solemn trust, ours shall keep it well as long as the light and warmth of life remain to us.

Let us, then, at the time appointed gather around their sacred remains and garland the passionless mounds above them with the choicest flowers of spring-time; let us raise above them the dear old flag they saved from hishonor; let us in this solemn presence renew our pledges to aid and assist those whom they have left among us a sacred charge upon a nation's gratitude, the soldier's and sailor's widow and orphan."

-JOHN A. LOGAN,
Commander-in-Chief
General Orders No.11, WASHINGTON, D.C., May 5, 1868
___________________________________________________
May you all take a moment to remember what this day is really all about. To remember those who have served, those who have lost, those who have given all or part of themselves to serving their country. Remember all of the wars, all of the conflicts, all of the generations touched by the noble, honorable, brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice in the service of our great country and in the name of freedom.

I, for one, will always be grateful to and humbled by these selfless men and women.

Reminders.

Last week my parents, Swiss and I went over to the on-post bowling alley for a little friendly competition (the bowling is a weird tradition that somehow grew out of my Mom goading Swiss about how she could kick his butt bowling... now we do it every time we are together). There was a birthday party for a sweet little girl in the 3 lanes next to us- it was chock full of the prototypical young military families all laughing and bowling (badly, just like us) and celebrating. But amongst the couples and the kids... there was a young man. He looked to be in his early twenties, fresh faced, clean cut in perfect military style... his manner was quiet and easy, he was good with the kids... but he wasn't bowling.

I thought nothing of it.

Then I saw him turn around. Splitting the dark hairs of his high and tight were two massive scars. One, a wide path running from the base of his neck, along his spine, up to the middle of his scull. The other was a crescent shaped scar standing out like a sliver of the moon against a field of dark brown.

I didn't pity him, he seemed to be doing fine. Out with friends, an otherwise normal young man, still in the Army, still living his life. He moved without any other indications of permanent damage and while quiet, he had an unmistakable confidence about him. But... those scars. Those were awfully big scars for a man so young. My heart sank.

It made me think back to the times that Swiss and I would be out on post... at the Shopette, Food Court, the Commissary... when you would see the men with the scars. The physical manifestations of whatever horrors they saw in combat... their lasting reminders of this war, this career, the marks that will always stay with them. Maybe you have seen them too- maybe not- living on post, I suppose, make these encounters all the more common. I remember the man in the Food Court last summer with most of the left side of his face caved in, probably 10 surgeries in to the 20 that it will take the plastic surgeon to try and make it look normal again. The man too young to be limping and walking with a cane coming out of the Shopette with a case of beer in the other hand. The burns. The scars. The eye patches. The men who you can't help but notice, but don't want to stare at... the ones who don't act ashamed (nor should they) but who clearly have so much more to cope with, deal with, face every morning when they look in the mirror.

I don't want to be all maudlin about this and I don't want to come off as melodramatic. But I look at Swiss, the bullet hole an Iraqi insurgent put in his calf... his own lasting reminder of this war, and wonder. Just the other day I caught myself staring at the bright white dot, encircled with dark, purplish skin and the oddly smooth texture of it... and I couldn't help but think of how different it all could have been if that bullet was a few inches higher, if there had been more than one, if the insurgent had been closer. Would he have that leg? Would he be able to go out and run and chase the dog and be the vibrant, active man I know? He was a lucky one.

It all makes me feel foolish for the trials and tribulations I 'dealt' with as a twenty-something. The "dramas" and "issues" I had to cope with while in my youth... where not getting a class or a phone call by a guy or office politics were the major trials in my life. I didn't have to worry about what someone of the opposite sex would think of my burns or amputated leg. I never had to worry about sidelong glances at my scars. I can't fathom having to deal with those things, on top of the horrors of war, of facing your own mortality, or the prospect of living the rest of your life knowing it will be colored by this war and the wounds you bear. I can't fathom it.

I don't have some grand point to make, nor do I have an agenda to push in regards to this... I guess I just wanted to remind all of us, for it is easy to forget when you don't see it. I wanted to remind us that there is a cost to this war... not paid in money, oil or body counts. Some of these debts are less obvious... paid in forever altered lifestyles and appearances...  paid with limbs and youth and innocence. It is paid, bit by bit, every day by those who served, those who were injured, those who will never be the same.