The new me?

As I sit here at my desk (still on Swiss' PC) contemplating the weeks and days ahead, the unknowing, the questions, the constant state of "I don't know" in our lives... I am struck by the general calm I have about all of it. Do I get annoyed? Sure (see my last post if you want evidence of that!). Do I get frustrated at times or angry? Yep. But it is almost always fleeting. It comes and it goes and that is it. The emotional outbursts are few and far between, there have been few, if any, tears shed over the uncertainty of Swiss's return. I just put my head down and keep going, only halting to bitch on occasion, then the head goes back down and I keep on trucking. This, in a nutshell, has been the majority of the deployment.

I certainly don't contend that I am special or different from any other MilSpouse for the way I've gotten through this. Not a chance. I know what I'm doing is just par for the course. But what I do contend is that this deployment, this Army life, this war has changed me. It has made me different. I cope differently, I react differently, I move on more quickly, I respond to situations differently, I sigh and regroup and keep going because I've come to terms with the fact that I have little to no say in all of this.

Now, I wouldn't call myself high-maintenance or anything pre-deployment. But I was the sort of weepy kind, the one who tended to mentally obsess over every detail, the kind that would get at least a knot in my stomach with every new curve ball the Army sent out way. I cried every time Swiss left (he lived in another state while we were dating). I cried even thinking about the deployment or the PCS or well, anything (part of which is normal pre-deployment-anticipatory-grief stuff). But suffice it to say, I let the Army's changes to our life highly dictate my mood, emotions, outlook. I couldn't figure out how to avoid it. The prospect of extra days away from Swiss left me a blubbering mess. Just thinking about the deployment, the possible changes that could come, the Army jerking us around, the uncertainty of it all resulted in me constantly dancing around the edges of full on tears and anguish and nearly consuming frustration. Gaw, that does make me sound high maintenance. (I will say that only a few people actually had to deal with this, so maybe that helps?)

The point is that this deployment, this 12+ months of suck that is slowly drawing to a close, this THING that took over our life... it has changed me. It has changed how I deal and cope and I sort of find this fascinating. At 30/31 you would think that these things, how you 'deal', are set in stone... that things like this only further cement your way of dealing with it all. I guess I thought that this experience would only hone my skill set, not give me a new one. I was wrong. Which is refreshing. I'm glad that I learned something in all of this, that I got better at things, that something good came out of this. Though I suppose your definition of "good" would have a lot to do with it.

I remember when Swiss and I were dating, and I would cry every time he had to leave and he wouldn't. He told me he didn't really get it, because we both knew he was coming back eventually. He said that he'd just had to say so many bigger, worse goodbyes... that I would understand after the deployment. And boy, was he right. I look back on some of those times and feel positively silly. But at the time, that was the worst thing I'd experienced. Now? I've dealt with so much worse, I feel like if I were to go back and relive those moments, I would have handled them SO differently.

Now I feel like I approach these dramas and uncertainties and fears with a new found toughness and determination. I'm wiser and have much, much better perspective (something I will admit I was greatly lacking). I am more rational and matter-of-fact... I've truly learned how to deal with the things I can't change (this is a skill I thought I had years ago, but never really grasped). I have new found tenacity and calmness, two things that when paired together render you practically fearless. I know that whatever it is, it could be worse. I know that I really can handle all the crap life throws at us. With strength and grace and poise. And that is pretty awesome. So thank you Army, for making me stronger (Army Strong?! *groan*) and tougher and for the one good thing that has come out of this deployment.

But we don't have to do it again, mmmkay?

Like a mirage.

Last night, on the phone, Swiss gave me the approximate number of days we have left until his homecoming. Obviously I can't give you that number (OPSEC Fairy!) but let me just say this, I was gobsmacked at how close it is. Like seriously, I was almost without words. (Though I think my precise words were. "Shut UP! THAT close?!?!?")

This is such a strange time in the deployment. We are finally close enough that I will let myself say we are close (but only close in the MilSpouse sense of the word- most civilian spouses would still be balking at this amount of time). We are close enough that the panic of all the stuff left to do is setting in. You know, the oh, I want to lose 5 lbs yet and shampoo the carpets and stock the fridge and color my hair and get a pedicure and figure out what to wear and set up his computer and spruce up the patio and, and, and... the list goes on. And on.

But the strangest thing is that, even though I know it is close, it still doesn't feel real. Maybe this is the product of going it alone for so long- like we've all said before, this is the new normal. Me without him. So even though I am giddy at the thought of him coming home and making our new, new normal (I'm starting to loathe that phrase BTW- must come up with a new one), it just doesn't feel real. Like the idea of him coming home is still just a far-away dream- because that's all its been for 11+ months. I know this feeling will subside and be overshadowed by excitement and giddiness as the day draws closer. But I can't wrap my head around how weird this feels... like its a mirage just out of reach and I have no way of making sure its real... strange I tell you, strange!

Thanksgiving.

So, this is my obligatory Thanksgiving post... HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!

Okay, that's out of the way now. I've been decidedly "Bah Humbug" about all of the holidays and pre-holiday cheer. Not that I'm not thankful for my family, my amazing friends, the awesome support you've all given me, for Swiss, for our health, for life -all in all- being pretty great. But also, I'm tired. I am tired and weary and so very blase about all of it... this deployment, missing Swiss, doing the holiday thing "alone". I think I was pretty naive about the holidays going into this deployment. Nope, check that, I know I was. Somewhere along the line I think I figured that since we would be so, so close to the end of the deployment by the time the holidays rolled around I'd be fine with it.

News flash: I'm not.

I don't mean to be all Debbie Downer about it all because I do have a lot to be thankful for and I do have a great family that is doing its best to keep me entertained and cheerful during this last chunk of the deployment. Its just that, somehow, being so close to the end has magnified the suck of being away from Swiss this holiday season. Oh well. Can't change it, right? And next year will be better. And we are almost done with this. And, after all, at least I have someone as amazing as Swiss to miss during this time. How was that for a pep talk?

Anyway, after all that mopey drivel... I really, truly want to say a heartfelt THANK YOU to each and every one of you, dear readers. You've brought kindness, wisdom, humor, support, and new friendships to my life this past year plus and I am SO grateful for all of you. So go enjoy this holiday season with the ones you love, and if you are in the same boat as me... know that next year will be better! Promise!

So have a stellar Thanksgiving... eat a lot, watch TV, and laugh til you can't anymore. And Thank You!

Love,
Tucker

Hiatus.

Hey all.

Don't worry... it won't be long. I just need to take a break. I'm feeling rather threadbare and need some time to either refocus or regroup, I can't tell which one yet. Maybe both. I just feel like I don't have the energy or the spirit or the gumption to turn all this stuff into coherent thoughts that are either humorous, informative, or worthwhile to read. So I'm just going to hold off on the posting for a bit.

Then again, maybe y'all are my therapy and I won't be able to go more than the weekend without blogging. We'll see. But for now... I just need a breather. I need to focus on me and get over the funk I've been in and find a better way to deal with all the stuff that has been going on. I'll still be around, reading y'all's blogs and stuff. Just not posting here.

Hope y'all understand. I promise I won't be long.

Take care and have a great weekend.

Shedding.

No, not Fletcher. Though to be fair, the does DOES shed something fierce. It boggles my mind how he isn't bald. And also, I'm pretty sure that if we collected all of his fur out of the vacuum cleaner, we would be able to clone him in less than 2 weeks... not even Dolly style, like Adam and Eve style. Which is sort of gross now that I think about it... that is a lot of hair. Ugh. But here I am, way off track, less than 3 sentences into this post.

The past few weeks have felt pretty overwhelming. Like the precariously perched tower of stuff looming over my head just kept getting bigger, taller and more unstable, threatening to collapse at any moment. Poor Swiss has had to listen to all of my neuroses, the plethora of ridiculous expectations I've put on myself, and my frustrations with not being able to get things just so. And about my mangled toe. But he's been a rock. He's been a fount of perspective, calmness and practicality. Just as he always is.

With a bit of time and deep breathing and outside perspective (Thanks Britt!) I, quite clearly, saw that he was right about all of it. I need to let go of the things I can't fix, can't schedule and can't will into being. A few dollars here, a few last minute decision there... none of it will cause the world to end. Not having enough towels when I move down to Fort X? That is what the PX is for. Not knowing the details of the move to Fort X? All things that can be handled after R&R. Not having a hotel yet for R&R because we don't have any concrete dates? Small potatoes and an easy last-minute fix.

I need to shed these neuroses. I need to let go. I need to stop trying to be SuperArmyWife. I need to release whatever notion I have of what a good deployed spouse is. Army life doesn't let us plan things that far out, so why stress about it? This deployment means that I have to tackle most things alone, so why make it harder by setting ridiculous expectations for myself? R&R is going to be great no matter where we stay, so why waste time and energy making plans that will likely change 3 or 4 times yet? I need to stay focused on the things I can change. The things I can (and actually NEED) to deal with. The other stuff? I need to let it ride.

Since I've decided to do just that? The weight is so much less, the burden is lifted and this deployment seems 'doable' again (though to be fair, I'm only going on 36 hours-ha!). I can put my focus back where it belongs, on Us. It all feels a lot less scary now... that tower isn't as unstable, isn't as big and isn't as menacing. I can do this.

On gossip, promotions and OPSEC.

So the lame part of this post is that it will be incredibly vague, therefore rendering it almost useless, all in the name of OPSEC. But I think maybe it will help me to just put it out there, no matter how evasive and non-specific it is.

There is gossip coming out of the Sandbox. Which is a new change for our unit, last time both of us heard about it first on Facebook from the FRG. OPSEC FAIL. But I digress. Near as I can tell there are about 5 different iterations of said gossip. New locations, old locations, temporary locations, same locations. Change. No change. New duties, new units, old units, promotions. It is all rolling in hot and heavy... new rumors every day. Some bigger and grander than others. Some wide in scope, some small. And of course, all with about as much credibility as financial advice from Bernie Madoff.

Of course there are implications to many of these changes. Should they take place. Implications that, personally, will likely up the ante so to speak. The likelihood of any of these things coming to fruition is small... but it makes me think long and hard about so, so many things. It makes me realize how 'easy' the past few months have been, honestly, for both of us. It makes me catch my breath, breathe deep, steady myself and repeat over and over again that there is not a single thing I can do to change it. If it will be, it will be. No matter what I think of it. I have found my peace with these rumors and their implications. I have accepted it and will deal with whatever comes our way with as much grace, calmness and objectivity as I can muster.

I have faith in my husband. In his character, his skills, his abilities and the fact that he is a damned good soldier. He can handle anything that comes his way and he will do whatever task is asked of him with the benefit of years of experience and his calculating, analytical perspective that I've grown to admire and respect. All I can do is sit back, wait for word, and have faith that no matter what happens, he will do his job to the best of his ability (whatever that job may be) and do everything in his power to come home safe and sound.

I have been pretty even keel in the wake of all these rumors. I have been able to keep my head about me and see the big picture, see that I can't change anything in all of this and that all it is, as of this moment, are words being batted around like a dozen beach ball on graduation day. But it doesn't take much to chip away at the protective shell of my carefully constructed cocoon of serenity and zen. It might be a photograph (like these), a short video, a turn of a phrase in a news piece, a passing thought that lingers too long. Then the doubt and worry and fear start to seep in. Today, I am the little girl with her finger plugging the leak in the dam. So far it is working. I just pray that there are no further reasons for that leak to grow into something much bigger and much more menacing...

And please, if for some reason you think what I wrote violates OPSEC, let me know and I will take this post down. As objective as I try to be, I realize that this might come off quite differently to any number of readers, so I welcome your feedback. Thanks...

Musical emotionalitude.

Yes, I did just make up a word. And I am okay with it. You should be too. I will warn you... things are going to get sappy up in here in a hurry. Don't say I didn't give you the heads up.

This afternoon I got into my car, the first time in weeks as I am quite partial to driving around in Swiss's truck, and went to go meet some friends and see a movie. Nothing good was on the radio so I hit the CD button, not knowing what was in there or what to expect. It was Mat Kearney's Nothing Left to Lose. As soon as the lyrics to "All I Need" came on I felt the familiar flood of emotions rise up... no, not tears, but the surge of memories and feelings from the time in our relationship before the deployment. From the time in our relationship when Swiss was about to embark on his stint at Warrior Forge, and I was set to endure an unthinkable 2 months without him the summer before we got married. I bought that album for Swiss and copied it onto my trusty iPod. I spent that whole summer listening to it, because it reminded me of him, because somehow it was a tie to when we were together.

But I digress... hearing the lyrics and the rawness of his voice today took me right back to the parking lot of the Extended Stay Hotel in Tacoma on a crisp early summer afternoon, as we packed my things into the government van and headed toward the airport. We held hands, we held them tight, we said a very long goodbye and kissed one last time. As I looked towards an interminable summer without him, knowing he would be on the other side of the country, busy with Army things, unable to come home. I remember feeling so helpless and upset, I remember feeling so angry and frustrated that I had to be apart from him, the love of my life who I was on the cusp of marrying, for so long. I remember being so sad. I cried most of the flight home. I'm a cryer... sadly, I made sure everyone in the SeaTac Airport knew it. I couldn't help myself.

And now I look back at those emotions and recognize them so clearly. That song took me back to that day instantaneously, like it all happened moments ago. I don't think those feelings were foolish. I don't regret my raw emotion and reaction to the situation. They were in the moment, they were real, and at the time two months was a terribly long time to be away from him. I still feel every last one of those emotions here, half way through the deployment, a year later. Only this time around they are so much stronger, so much more intense, so raw, so heavy on my heart and shoulders. These emotions are the grown up big brother of those emotions a year ago, on steroids. They are so strong that sometimes it is hard to breathe, it is hard to look at pictures of him and not break down, sometimes it is even hard to hear his voice.

These feeling are so invasive, so slippery that they find their way into every portion of every day. They sneak up on me, in full assault mode, in the movies, in the grocery store, in my car, at work, in my bed. These emotions do not rest, they don't take vacations and they never get tired of weighing down on me. Like I said, grown up and on steroids, with chips on their shoulders.

But there is always the bittersweet part. Deployments have that effect on every story it seems, at least when you get enough distance to see it. When I listen to those lyrics, and I hear the part where he says, "I'm holding on to you, holding on to me. Maybe it's all we got, but it's all I need. You're all I need." And you know what? Yes, even if he was all I had, it would be all I need. I warned you it would be sappy, didn't I?

While this deployment is nothing if not spectacularly suck-tastic, it makes me realize how lucky I am to have someone that I miss so much it physically hurts. It makes me appreciate what we have, it forces me to not sweat the small stuff, it makes me cherish the little moments, the 10 minutes on a web cam, a 5 line e-mail. It makes me take inventory of what is really important. And every single time it all boils down to Swiss. I won't lie, I am crying as I write this (told you I was a cryer). Because while most of my tears in the last 6 months have been from sadness, loneliness, worry... the tears today... these are tears of gratitude, joy, and most importantly love.

Thanks you Swiss, for being everything I ever hoped to find, for being so wonderful that I had no choice but to fall completely, hopelessly in love with you, and for being the most amazing person I have ever met. I'm here waiting for you, I always will be... but come home soon. Nothing is the same without you...

All my love is yours.

LiveBlogging the PCS: Part BOOYAH! Or 8.

WE SOLD THE HOUSE!

And no, I am not shitting you (really, what does that mean?). Sweetness!

But can I just say this: Pfft. Don't want to do that again in a really, really long time. I mean a reeeeally long time.

The lowdown? We will end up having to pay around $1,000 out of pocket. Which sort of feels like 'a lot', but Swiss and I are both okay with it and the peace of mind for having this done with and squared away is totally worth that amount. As is not having to keep it spotless for the next 2 months and the risk of having to lower it even more if no other legit offers come. He gave us full asking price, but we are paying $3,000 towards closing. So that brings us close, but not quite, to the magic number of not owing anything. I figure that since we only owned it for 2 years and are selling it in a bad market, this is a pretty good situation for us. So, YAY!

And for those of you keeping score, it was the dude from the "letter" in part 7.5 who started out waaaaay low and was "shocked" at my first (and reasonable) counter offer. I guess he came to his senses and decided to make a grow'd up offer and play the game like he meant it. So I gave a little, he gave a little. I have no house, he has a house. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

I am still a little nervous and apprehensive and not ready to get all "ZOMG! WE SOLD THE HOUSE! GET OUT THE CHAMPERS!!!" yet. I suppose I will feel that way when the inspections goes through with nary a hitch and then we can finalize things. We don't have to be out until October 5th, which is gravy by me... it just means Swiss and I will have to (read: Get to) spend R&R in a hotel. WITH MAID SERVICE. Sweet.

Anyway, it is mostly done and I am mostly happy. We got really close to what we wanted and we are now free to do and go where we need to. Which feels really good. And also, it is weird that I am telling you all this before Swiss actually knows. Don't worry, he won't hold it against y'all, I promise!

Oh, and one last thing... thanks to my peeps (Loquita, Snarky, LAW & Army Wife... plus all you lovely twitter folks) for, well, you know what I am talking about, and I love you for it! Muwah!

Sort of like dating.

So lately it has started to feel like Swiss and I are dating again. No, obviously we are not going on dates. But you see, our entire dating relationship was done long distance. Really, the whole thing. We had nearly every weekend together, and the assorted weeks off here and there, but we didn't live in the same town until 2 weeks before we were married. And yes, there is a point to this!

See, when we were dating, we relied on a lot of phone calls to get through the weeks, to maintain the normal progression of our relationship and, well, to get our fix of each other. We always talked about anything and everything, hour long conversations about how I paint or how you would go about painting something, politics, evolution, being silly, or intent discussions about where we would live, how our house would be, trips we planned to take. It was wonderful and made all of our time apart less unbearable. Funny, that is exactly what we have been doing for the past twenty some odd weeks.

Lately our conversations have been flying by just like old times, the content varied and engaging, the smiles and laughs plentiful. It is good and we are good. But man, it makes me miss the real life version. You know, the one where we are sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine or lounging outside by the fire pit with spiked cocoa or walking around the neighborhood having these conversations in person (dude, we totally sound like lushes!). It is odd feeling like you are back to the dating phase with the man you married. I feel like we are stuck back where we were a year ago... like we haven't made any forward progress. Obviously I know this isn't the case, but still. It feels weird.

I suppose you can chalk all of this up to just being ready to be DONE with this deployment. I mean, things are going fine, I am doing fine, Swiss is doing fine. But yeah, I'm ready for him to come home. He's the most awesomest person I've ever met and dammit, I miss him! Well, only twentysomething more weeks to go...

On kindness and asking for help.

So, a couple of weeks ago Swiss mentioned that the guys he is stationed with (he is the only one from his unit, all the other guys are from another unit) are BORED. Not necessarily with work, but mostly when not at work. See, they are in a remote JSS without much for services or entertainment. Nothing to do when work isn't calling, nothing to read. He said they were sorely lacking any and all reading materials... I thought, Hey! I can fix that! So I set out to buy a ton of magazines to send the guys.

Then I realized that at around $3.95 a pop (if not more), it would take more to $100 to fill up a box, plus postage. We aren't poor, but that's a lot of loot! So I sat and stewed on this. How could I procure reading materials at little to no cost without having to run around town and beg grocery stores/bookstores/etc for their unsold wares? I was loathe to ask folks I know for help, please don't ask me why because surely I don't have a good reason. But finally I sent out the only slightly begging e-mail to some select co-workers. I asked if they had any old Dude Magazines (remember: Infantry) that they would be willing to give up, so that I could send them to Swiss and his fellow soldiers.

I was nervous about sending this e-mail. I didn't want to sound like I couldn't fix this myself. I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I didn't want to sound like I, or the guys, needed pity. Lame, I know.

But happily, 6 folks (only 2 of which have actually met Swiss), brought in armloads of magazines to share... everything from Bowhunter (Swiss will LOVE these) to National Geographic to Men's Health to Outside to Sports Illustrated. I got enough to fill two flat rate (the big kind!) boxes, both of which I am sending out today with big bags of Starbursts and Twizzlers. And it made me all fuzzy and warm inside, I might have even teared up a little. I also brought in a card, thinking that perhaps the folks who donated these magazines would want to say something to the guys. Then I thought better of it, what if they thought that was lame? What if they were only doing it because they knew me and felt obligated? What if they didn't have anything to say? But again, I was so wrong. They wrote the kindest, sweetest most grateful comments. And once again, I got all warm and fuzzy inside.

I am SO glad I asked for help, because they helped me accomplish something that I wouldn't have been able to do on my own. And together, we fixed a simple problem, we made life a tiny bit better for the guys over there. It feels good.

So the moral of the story is that, while we assume folks don't care because they don't talk about it or don't act as advocates/supporters of our troops, when push comes to shove... some of them do. Some of them will lug 5 pounds of magazines to work so that your husband and his co-workers have something to read. They will write kind sentiments that you never knew they felt, and they will help when you need it, as long as you are willing to ask.

That, my friends, is a wonderful thing.

LiveBlogging the PCS: Part 5

Also know as: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

The good? The house is officially on the market. Papers are signed and we are off 'n running.

The bad? Having to keep the house spotless, smelling fresh (aka: not like dog) and organized.

The ugly? Best case scenario means we will have to bring $3000 to closing.

I understand that this is what we are choosing. I understand that the market is bad. I understand that since we've only been paying on the mortgage for 2 years the amount we owe is too much to really make a profit. But it sucks because we have an adorable house, in a good & desirable neighborhood, we updated the kitchen, it is a gem. And we are still going to be out money on this deal. Aaah, the joys of PCSing.

We do not qualify for the HAP program. Missed it by a few months. We don't want to rent because a) we are going to be 1,200 miles away which is too far to keep tabs on a tenant or be good landlords and b) we have zero intention of living here when he retires. Too much drama and baggage. So that leaves us with taking the hit, sucking it up, and praying for the best.

So cross your fingers and wish us luck! Also, let me leave you with one little tidbit of useful information: When filling out your Power of Attorney before a deployment, if at all possible, have your significant other sign off on ALL items, even if you think they don't/won't apply to you or your situation, because you never know what obscure state laws might trip you up. Not that I would know or be in a complete panic or anything.

And hey, PCS... just so you know... we aren't going to be friends when this is all over. Mmkay?

UPDATE: I (by I, I mean Swiss and my parents and I) decided to up the listing price by 5K for the time being to see what kind of offers, if any, we get. I don't know how it will all pan out, but I figure that if someone is interested, they will just lowball an offer and we can negotiate from there. Swiss is totally unconcerned about the potential $3000 loss, which is keeping my inner panic from turning me into someone who is obviously, outwardly unhinged.

Did you know...

That Swiss and I, despite being a "couple" for the past 3 Julys, have never spent a 4th of July together? I just realized that today.

Isn't this just so military of us?

Not that it is a big deal, but with 2 summers of Warrior Forge for his ROTC assignment and now the deployment, you can see why we've never gone to see fireworks together, host BBQ's or relax in lawn chairs by a lake. Not til next year I guess. But then we are going to make up for it in style... even though I'm not quite sure what that would entail! But I do know this, you are all invited!

A question.

Okay, so at the almost halfway point (with a few months to go before R&R) I'm starting to feel the effects of being separated from Swiss for so long. I don't know how much of this is because we are newlyweds, how much is because I am still new to Army life or how much is just because this sucks.

Do any of you sort of forget what it feels like to be married? I'm not saying that I don't feel like I am married or anything like that. I just mean, do you ever find yourself in the middle of a deployment trying to remember what it was like to have someone else in the house, to cook for two, to wash underwear that isn't from Victoria's Secret or to have to come to a consensus to watch TV? Do you find yourself trying to grasp what it is/was like to cohabitate, to have someone else physically in the house at almost all times?

Because I sort of feel like all that stuff is slipping away... I remember the times when all those things were normal. But they don't feel real, it feels like something that happened a long, long time ago... in a land far, far away.

Am I weird? Never mind, don't answer that.

Please don't misconstrue this as me not wanting to be married or contemplating single life again or any other ridiculousness. I am very happily married. It's just that right now I feel more married rightthisminute to my cell phone and the idea of a husband than I do the person on the other end of the line. Does that even make sense?

I've started sleeping in the middle of the bed again. I eat dinner on tiny plates at my computer. I use up all the hot water. I buy less cheese and more fruit. I watch SATC reruns whenever they are on. Somewhere along the line this became my new normal. And I don't like it. I liked my old normal that involved Swiss at home, cooking for two, having a 'side' of the bed, bushing my teeth with someone else standing next to me, the smell of soap that isn't from Bath & Body Works and sweaty PTs on the floor. Know what I mean?

Sigh. I know my old normal will become my new normal again when Swiss is home, but somehow this new normal feels really foreign and lonely. I like being married. This imposed geographical bachelorette business? For the birds.

Come home soon Swiss... I'd like to get back to our normal again. I miss you...

Long weekend.

Trout stream, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

I am off this afternoon for a long weekend hanging out with my Dad. That picture there? Yep, that is where we are going... purty isn't it? I'm excited for the day off of work, excited to get out of the house, excited to hang out in the woods, and excited to see my Dad. It should be a nice break from all the sameness around here.

Last night I had my 2nd softball practice as coach for my U12 girl's fastpitch team. Like wrangling cats... that talk back... and think they know everything. But on the plus side, I have finally been able to use some of the great one-liners and coach-isms I learned over the years. What time is it coach? Don't worry about it, it's practice time! Heh. I am turning into a coaching cliche as we speak. Anyway, it is fun and gets me out of the house and it was a b-e-a-utiful day yesterday.

Next week's agenda? Get a hair cut (or all of them). Clean the house. Sign dog up for obedience classes (and purchase sedatives... just kidding. Sort of.). Purchase items for kitchen renovation. Force Brother In-Law to pick a date to install said kitchen items. Revel and bask in new kitchen glory.

I hope you all have a super weekend and enjoy the good weather if you've got it!

3 months.

Also known as 1/4 of the way done with this beast. Can I get a w00t? Only 5 more months till I get to see Swiss... and he ain't gonna know what hit him. hee!

This month will forever be known as the Month Without A Phone. And it sucked. But hey, at least I got to watch Lord of the Rings. I took art classes, I started coaching U12 girl's softball, and finally got my dog to act quasi-normal*. I don't really have much more to say about this month, other than is sort of sucked. Yes, it could have been worse, but no sense sugar coating it. These are the months that really show you who your friends are and help you realize how lucky you are to have those kinds of people in your life, real or imaginary.

Swiss still loathes his unit and is frustrated with wimpy command decisions and wishes there was a steady, reliable supply of toilet paper in the middle of the desert. And you know, of all the things that are REALLY IMPORTANT in a war zone, it is wearing your combat patch. Totally. But he did get a sweet new iPod that I will promptly steal when he gets home and has been inundated with care packages not just from me, but from my aunt, his mom, my mom and a family friend. I think we've already made up for P's measly 1 package last time. I win. (Yes, that is totally juvenile. I don't mind.)

My parents visited this month, which was cool, though their dogs taught my previously mute puppy to bark. Awesome. On the other hand mine taught theirs to incessantly go to the door because playing outside is waaaaay more fun than sleeping. Heh. Score one for Fletcher. I finalized my decisions for the big kitchen remodel... now I just have to get my handy brother in-law to get over and do it. Free family labor is the best kind. Cannot wait for the new, shiny kitchen... and a dishwasher that actually works. My art classes were good, I got much better at portraits and drawing figures. That shiz is hard, yo. But I am getting better. And I am painting a lot. Also, good. I am sadly addicted to TV, but also getting my butt off the sofa to work out now that I have a buddy (Awesome.). Otherwise, it is Spring (finally!) and I got new sidewalks. Thrilling, I know.

So that is all that April held for the Tucker and Swiss household. May is full of Father-Daughter bonding time (Our annual fishing and hunting trips to the bluff country. Yes, I kill stuff. And then I eat it and it is yummy.), softball tournaments (and therefore whole weekends spent with 12 year old girls, God help me!), and a visit from my bestest friend Beth (can you say IKEA? Sweet.).

Thanks to all of you who made this crappy month better. You Ladies ROCK. Here's to a good May, healthy Sprinkles, safe deployments and great friends!


*Subject to change at any given moment.

PHONES!!!

Okay, this is one happy girl you are talking to (um, er, reading?). Swiss got phone service yesterday and we got to talk not once, but TWICE! And the last time for an hour! (of course it helped that it was 0300 there so everyone else with a normal sleep schedule was slumbering) Anyway, I am super happy and I feel relieved and joyful and can I just tell you how good it was to hear him laugh? le sigh.

Anyway, it is rainy and cold here, so I am staying in, painting and chilling out... and waiting for Swiss's next phone call. Squeeeeee!

FU, Snow.

This is the top local news headline (yes, it is verbatim): "Sorry, but 6 inches of snow en route".

Not cool Weather, not cool.

But on the plus side, this site (warning NSFW or kids) makes me laugh until I snort and hopefully that will pull me through this crappy bout of weather. It also makes me want to get this shirt for my dog. Not that I am a big fan of dressing up pets, but come on, that is funny. "I am part of the problem" heh.

On the down side, rumor has it that it will be another week or so until the "commo" guys get the SPAWAR phones up and running. Why yes, wait until the entire unit is out there before you even being working to get the phones up and running. No sense doing it before now, like when the advon went out a month ago. That would be silly.

But back on the plus side, I got all my art supplies so this weekend will be filled with painting, sangria (I'm in charge of finding the best recipe for Beth's wedding party- suggestions?), and apparently snow.

So I don't know where that leaves me, but here's wishing a Happy Friday to everyone and enjoy the lack of snow wherever you are.

Deployment Math.

Do you ever have one of those moments when something you know suddenly becomes something you realize? Does that even make any sense?

Here's my point. Just yesterday I was all proud of Swiss and I because we got 2 whole months down... only 10 more to go! Hooah! But then all the deployment math started running through my head, especially the equations about how much longer it will be until I get to see my man.

That's when it hit me. Even though we have 2 months down (which sadly seems like an eternity), I am still going to have to wait 6 more months to see his face, touch him, be near him. I knew that, we had talked about it numerous times before. It will be Fall before I see him. Most of 2009 will be over by that time. For some reason today all of it really sunk in. 6 more months of this. It sort of makes me wan to cry (and by sort of I mean really).

6 more months of no kisses, no hand to hold, no one to curl up next to in bed, no handsome man to come home to, no normal couple-ness. It makes these past 2 months feel like 2 days. Like we haven't really accomplished anything in getting this over with.

I know that isn't the case... 2 months is not nothing. And I know that the flip side is that once he is home on R&R, it will only be a handful of months until he is home again. But today that knowledge doesn't help... it doesn't make me any less lonely and it doesn't make this any easier.

I just really miss him. And I am really ready to have him home again. If anyone finds or has a Fast Forward button please pass it my way post haste...

2 months.

59 days down. Only 306-ish to go.

Ugh. That still sounds like a lot of days.

These past 2 months have been... well... interesting. There have been emotional struggles, additions to our family (hey Fletch!), creative endeavors, family drama, new projects, and the small matter of figuring out what my (our) "new normal" is. There have been weeks and days that have flown by and there have been ones that slowly creep along like cold molasses. There are good day and there are bad, there are also just ho-hum neither-nor days. But the best thing? The days apart are getting less and less.

Swiss has been in country for a while now, the unit has finally joined him and the rest of the advance party. Their accommodations are sparse and their access to basics are variable, but he is in good spirits (and I will be too once they get the phones installed!) and doing well. His missions have all been inside the wire, mostly involving getting things up and running for the rest of the unit's arrival. This knowledge helps me sleep at night and not be completely neurotic more than you could ever know. It remains to be seen what he will be tasked with once things are finished at their base, but I'm holding out hope for more of the same. We've been able to talk/e-mail quite frequently, though we are on a phone hiatus right now (don't ask unless you want to hear a rant!), and it has gone a long way in making this doable. We are doing our best to keep connected and get through this together- it seems to be working so far!

I have tried to stay busy, from adopting a dog to taking art classes, blogging, planning a kitchen remodel and helping out with the FRG. Things have really taken off with our liberal group of MilSpouses- LeftFace is our pride and joy and I am constantly amazed by how incredible those women are. I am also beyond thankful for finding them and for their friendship- I can't imagine how different these two months could have been without them. I've already sent 4 care packages to Swiss, which I probably like putting together and shopping for a bit too much, and have elaborate plans for home-made granola bars this weekend.

So all in all, these past 2 months aren't at all what I expected them to be like, but that pretty much sums up every military/Army related experience I've had so far. It has been hard at times, borderline unbearable even, but it has also been okay. Most of the time, actually, it is fine (I won't say it is good though because nothing is actually good when Swiss isn't around). I miss him more than I can explain, but the support I've gotten from friends and family have helped me stay afloat, stay positive, and stay focused on our future.

We are 1/6th done. Hooah.

Spring is in the air.

Honeybee, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Despite the overcast days and freezing misty rain (and dropping temperatures too) it is Spring here in the upper Midwest. It is good.

I have started my Spring cleaning and am anxiously awaiting what grass is left in the backyard (thanks Fletch) to turn green. I also made up some Spring resolutions (I've never been one for the New Year's kind): I am going to learn how to knit. I am taking a figure & portrait drawing class. And I hope to help coach a U12 fastpicth softball team (I've played ball since I was in first grade and played all though college- and no, none of the softball stereotypes fit me). I am going to get this kitchen project done. And I am going to try to find Swiss a Literary Agent.

That's a good list to start with I think. I'm hoping the busy-bee mentality will help these days go by faster and faster because it is going to be another 6 months until we get some R&R time. Wow. It will be fall by then...