Happy Birthday Swiss!

That man with the sand dollar is mine, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Here's wishing the most amazing person I know a wonderful Birthday... I promise there will be cake and food not stored in a tin and presents and all the trappings of a proper Birthday celebration when you get home.

And let's hope this is the last of your Birthdays we have to spend apart...

Happy Birthday Baby! I LOVE YOU!

At peace.

My Grandpa passed away this morning... he went quickly and did not linger... his breathing became labored and shortly after it stopped and then he was gone. I think we are all relieved that he won't have to go slowly at hospice. He is with his beloved wife Ethel now and we can all start the healing process. You will be missed Grandpa... maybe more than you will ever know.

7 January 1918 - 22 September 2009

Saying Goodbye.

Well, this has been one of the most difficult weekends I've ever experienced. I called my parents just before boarding my flight back home from San Francisco... that is when my Dad told me that my Grandpa suffered a catastrophic stroke the night before. I drove home from the airport, rounded up the dog, clean clothes and drove to my parent's home in the middle of the night.

We arrived at the hospital early Saturday morning and he looked so peaceful. But when the doctor came in, the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. He suffered a catastrophic stroke when a clot that had formed in his heart dislodged and stuck itself in his carotid artery. His entire left hemisphere was injured; speech recognition, the ability to form words, and the control of the right side of his body. Gone... or at least greatly diminished. The man I had grown up with, admired, respected and adored was a shell of his usually vibrant self. And the odds were not in his favor.

After 72 hours of waiting and hoping, we got the final word today... he will not improve... he can't. The damage was too much and the risks for complications were too high. Thankfully he was "awake" a bit more today and I got to see him try to smile. He tried to mumble 'I love you' back to me after I said it to him. He and I had a good 4 minutes together... I didn't say goodbye, I couldn't bring myself to say those words, but I told him how much I loved him, how he was always my favorite, and I held his hand tight. Then I left. And I cried most of the way home.

We, as a family, along with his advance directive have made the exceedingly hard decision to let him die quietly, peacefully, painlessly in hospice. As horrible as that sounds, letting him die, the alternative of a gastric feeding tube and a non-existent "life" in a nursing home, unable to speak, write, or move was never an option for us or him. He deserves better and he went out on top, which is both a blessing and a curse... it is comforting to know he was living a great life and never had to suffer through loosing his faculties, but it is beyond hard to comprehend and stomach that he is so suddenly gone, with no warning and no rhyme or reason. He was Wii bowling with his friends Thursday hours before the stroke... he was loving life and having fun and he knew how much he was loved by all of us. This is the last gift we can give to him, honor his wishes and let him go peacefully, no matter how hard it is and no matter how unready we were to say goodbye.

I feel such a great sense of loss and shock that he will no longer be there for family Sunday dinners, that his joyful demeanor and contagious laughs won't be present at holiday gatherings, that I won't get to play cards with him and playfully scold him when he tried to cheat. I will miss our Friday phone calls and I will miss his kind smile. I am still utterly gobsmacked that all of this has happened... he was the picture of health, 91 years old still living on his own, active, alert, no hints of ill health. And the next day he was, essentially, gone.

Thankfully I have an abundance of wonderful memories, I had the blessing of having him in my life for almost 31 years, I was able to form a unique and special relationship with him... and I secretly think I was his favorite (because he was totally mine!). I remember him letting me do his hair up with ribbons and curlers when I was little. I remember him putting me up on his 6'4" shoulders to take me out to the sandbars on Lake Winnebago. I remember him acting out his clue of "Madonna" one year at Christmas playing charades... that memory is priceless. Mostly, I remember a man who was dedicated to his family, madly in love with his wife, and the kind of fellow who no one could dislike if they tried. I remember his patience, his charm and his good nature. He was a gem, one of a kind, and I was blessed to call him my Grandfather for so, so many wonderful years.

I will miss you like no other Grandpa... you'll always be my favorite and I'll always love you! Go be with your Beloved Ethel and know that we will never, ever forget what a wonderful person you have been, what a kind and generous grandparent you were, and what a strong, loving, parent you were... we will never forget the times we shared and we will never forget you. You will always, always be missed.

Also, Thank You everyone for your kind thoughts, prayers and for those of you who reached out for the first time... you all have no idea how much your kindness has meant to my family and me.

NOTE: Please understand this was a very hard decision for our family and while you may not agree with us, I do not have any desire to hear those opinions, concerns or condemnations now, or ever. Please respect this decision our family has made as a whole and only comment if you have something positive or kind to say. Thanks.

Sigh.

Grandpa, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Just so you all know why I am MIA. My Grandfather, who is one of the most wonderful creatures this world has ever played host to, had a catastrophic stroke and the prognosis is not good. We won't know more until Monday but are preparing for the worst. I am home with my family, where I should be, but feeling utterly helpless and tremendously sad. This was completely out of the blue and I am just not ready to say goodbye to him yet. Please send your prayers our way. Thank you.

Musical emotionalitude.

Yes, I did just make up a word. And I am okay with it. You should be too. I will warn you... things are going to get sappy up in here in a hurry. Don't say I didn't give you the heads up.

This afternoon I got into my car, the first time in weeks as I am quite partial to driving around in Swiss's truck, and went to go meet some friends and see a movie. Nothing good was on the radio so I hit the CD button, not knowing what was in there or what to expect. It was Mat Kearney's Nothing Left to Lose. As soon as the lyrics to "All I Need" came on I felt the familiar flood of emotions rise up... no, not tears, but the surge of memories and feelings from the time in our relationship before the deployment. From the time in our relationship when Swiss was about to embark on his stint at Warrior Forge, and I was set to endure an unthinkable 2 months without him the summer before we got married. I bought that album for Swiss and copied it onto my trusty iPod. I spent that whole summer listening to it, because it reminded me of him, because somehow it was a tie to when we were together.

But I digress... hearing the lyrics and the rawness of his voice today took me right back to the parking lot of the Extended Stay Hotel in Tacoma on a crisp early summer afternoon, as we packed my things into the government van and headed toward the airport. We held hands, we held them tight, we said a very long goodbye and kissed one last time. As I looked towards an interminable summer without him, knowing he would be on the other side of the country, busy with Army things, unable to come home. I remember feeling so helpless and upset, I remember feeling so angry and frustrated that I had to be apart from him, the love of my life who I was on the cusp of marrying, for so long. I remember being so sad. I cried most of the flight home. I'm a cryer... sadly, I made sure everyone in the SeaTac Airport knew it. I couldn't help myself.

And now I look back at those emotions and recognize them so clearly. That song took me back to that day instantaneously, like it all happened moments ago. I don't think those feelings were foolish. I don't regret my raw emotion and reaction to the situation. They were in the moment, they were real, and at the time two months was a terribly long time to be away from him. I still feel every last one of those emotions here, half way through the deployment, a year later. Only this time around they are so much stronger, so much more intense, so raw, so heavy on my heart and shoulders. These emotions are the grown up big brother of those emotions a year ago, on steroids. They are so strong that sometimes it is hard to breathe, it is hard to look at pictures of him and not break down, sometimes it is even hard to hear his voice.

These feeling are so invasive, so slippery that they find their way into every portion of every day. They sneak up on me, in full assault mode, in the movies, in the grocery store, in my car, at work, in my bed. These emotions do not rest, they don't take vacations and they never get tired of weighing down on me. Like I said, grown up and on steroids, with chips on their shoulders.

But there is always the bittersweet part. Deployments have that effect on every story it seems, at least when you get enough distance to see it. When I listen to those lyrics, and I hear the part where he says, "I'm holding on to you, holding on to me. Maybe it's all we got, but it's all I need. You're all I need." And you know what? Yes, even if he was all I had, it would be all I need. I warned you it would be sappy, didn't I?

While this deployment is nothing if not spectacularly suck-tastic, it makes me realize how lucky I am to have someone that I miss so much it physically hurts. It makes me appreciate what we have, it forces me to not sweat the small stuff, it makes me cherish the little moments, the 10 minutes on a web cam, a 5 line e-mail. It makes me take inventory of what is really important. And every single time it all boils down to Swiss. I won't lie, I am crying as I write this (told you I was a cryer). Because while most of my tears in the last 6 months have been from sadness, loneliness, worry... the tears today... these are tears of gratitude, joy, and most importantly love.

Thanks you Swiss, for being everything I ever hoped to find, for being so wonderful that I had no choice but to fall completely, hopelessly in love with you, and for being the most amazing person I have ever met. I'm here waiting for you, I always will be... but come home soon. Nothing is the same without you...

All my love is yours.

SWISS!!!

Shutthefrontdoor!!! SWISS! That is SWISS!!!! ZOMFG!!!! This is the first photo I have seen of him in 6 months. He surprised me with 10 minutes on the webcam. I don't have one yet, but I got to see him. SEE! Not just hear! Oh Lawdy I love that man! He looks so great and the webcam is awesome (now must find an old iCam or whatever for my old iMac... or, you know, buy a MacBook) and I am beyond grateful to have gotten to actually SEE him! WITH MY OWN TWO EYES! LIVE!!! Squeeeeee!!!!

When it first came up, dude I will not lie, I BAWLED. Happy bawling mind you, but bawled big fattie tears. I got to see him smile! IT WAS FABULOUS!!! Sorry if I am totally geeking out right now, but seriously, this was beyond words. I am such a happy girl right now! God Bless teh Interwebz!!! I LOVE YOU SWISS!!!

Miscellany.

Okay, I don't have anything that is long enough or coherent enough to warrant a 'real' post but here you go:

First off, the Marine Corps League National Convention is in town this week. It is awesome. Why you ask? Well, because I don't think there has been this many MilFolks in town maybe ever. And there is another conference next weekend for the Enlisted Association of the National Guard of the United States National Convention (EANGUS) which is also cool. I love walking to work and seeing clusters of retired Marines sitting outside my Caribou drinking coffee. This morning I saw a particularly jovial groups outside and, as I walked by with my Large Cold Pressed Coffee (yum), I said "Thanks for your service Gentlemen"... they looked momentarily shocked and then one said Thank you in return. It was nice. It made me all gushy inside. I like gushy.

Second, I was scrolling through my flickr account this morning looking for a picture of Swiss to post. There was going to be some great picture of him and I would say how awesome he his and how much I miss him. Instead I started crying. Because I do miss him. I miss him so much. The kind of missing that makes your chest tight, makes you short of breath sometimes and the kind that brings you to tears if you think about it too much. And besides... what's not to miss about this face?

And lastly... yesterday I told my boss that I was leaving. It's a decision I am (and have been) 110% on board with, but it was still hard. This has been my AO. I went to school here, I started my career here, I worked my way up the ladder here. I am very grateful for all of the opportunities I had, all of the things that made me good at what I do, I have learned so much in the six years I have been here. I am beyond grateful for the amazing folks I met... Val, Emily, Shari, Angela. But it is time to go and I feel very calm and certain about this decision. Thankfully my boss was sweet about it, she understood, and she told me she would have done the same thing if she were in my shoes. Which is all I could have asked for. And wholly unlike my boss's boss who has been pouting, making me feel guilty and asking me if I want to be called Tucker A or Tucker T (A=abandoner and T=traitor) ever since I told him. And he's former Navy. Nice, right? Ah well...

So it is starting to feel like this chapter is coming to a close. Which is both sad and liberating. I am beyond excited about moving and being home with Swiss and getting on with our life. I am sad to leave all that I have built for myself here, but what is waiting for me down south? So much better.

Ooh! And one last thing... I've got a few more names for my photography gig over here. Go check them out and let me know what you think!

Sort of like dating.

So lately it has started to feel like Swiss and I are dating again. No, obviously we are not going on dates. But you see, our entire dating relationship was done long distance. Really, the whole thing. We had nearly every weekend together, and the assorted weeks off here and there, but we didn't live in the same town until 2 weeks before we were married. And yes, there is a point to this!

See, when we were dating, we relied on a lot of phone calls to get through the weeks, to maintain the normal progression of our relationship and, well, to get our fix of each other. We always talked about anything and everything, hour long conversations about how I paint or how you would go about painting something, politics, evolution, being silly, or intent discussions about where we would live, how our house would be, trips we planned to take. It was wonderful and made all of our time apart less unbearable. Funny, that is exactly what we have been doing for the past twenty some odd weeks.

Lately our conversations have been flying by just like old times, the content varied and engaging, the smiles and laughs plentiful. It is good and we are good. But man, it makes me miss the real life version. You know, the one where we are sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine or lounging outside by the fire pit with spiked cocoa or walking around the neighborhood having these conversations in person (dude, we totally sound like lushes!). It is odd feeling like you are back to the dating phase with the man you married. I feel like we are stuck back where we were a year ago... like we haven't made any forward progress. Obviously I know this isn't the case, but still. It feels weird.

I suppose you can chalk all of this up to just being ready to be DONE with this deployment. I mean, things are going fine, I am doing fine, Swiss is doing fine. But yeah, I'm ready for him to come home. He's the most awesomest person I've ever met and dammit, I miss him! Well, only twentysomething more weeks to go...

Meet Swiss.

The hubs, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

So Swiss and I were talking just last night about my little blog and he asked me why there weren't more photos of him... I was all... um, well isn't that an OPSEC thing? He said not likely, unless he was in uniform with all this snazzy patches and ranks and names and blood types and so on. So, here I go introducing you all to Swiss.

This is the guy who writes me poetry, then goes and kills a deer so we have venison in the freezer. He is the man who once brought me flowers that were attached to a pint of Ben & Jerry's Crem Brulee ice cream and 2 spoons. He is the guy who wants to go on a hunting trip as much as he wants to go to Barcelona to sip wine and people watch. I could go on and on about how awesome he is, how amazed I am by him, and how funny and clever and sweet and sexy he is, but you all don't need to hear all of that right now. All you need to know is that he is my Happily Ever After. swoon! I love you Sweetheart!

Someday I will tell you how we got our nicknames of Tucker and Swiss... but for now I will just wish you all a Happy Friday! Cheers!

Their wedding video is cooler than yours. Sorry.

Brian & Eileen's Wedding Music Video. from LOCKDOWN projects on Vimeo.

This should totally make you feel inadequate about your wedding and also make you feel really uncool because you didn't think of it. At least, that is what it did for me. But still, AWESOME. (Thanks Jenny!)

Touch.

Day 68 :: touch, originally uploaded by Meredith_Farmer.

This is one of those days when all I can think about is his touch. And not in an X-rated, dirty way... I crave the simplest, most banal, everyday touches. I miss the way my feet find their way under his legs when we sit on the couch. I miss the way he always reaches out to hold my hand. I miss how my hand always finds his leg when we sit next to one another. I miss his hand on the back of my neck. I miss curling up behind him in the middle of the night. I miss his forehead against mine. But mostly I miss his arms around me. I miss how safe and loved I feel when I am in his arms, how all the bad things melt away and how I can feel what we share, what our relationship is all about. And I would do anything just to feel his arms around me right now. Even for just one minute. Sigh.

5 more months.

The other D.

Distance. They say it makes the heart grow fonder, right? But the cynic in me knows that distance can do a lot of other things... those are the things that worm their way into my head when I can't sleep...

Distance can make us drift apart. Distance can make us weaker. Distance can make us different. Distance can create tension or worse yet temptation.

Please don't take this wrong right off the bat. Swiss and I are doing great (aside from the ongoing weeks of no phone calls). We are happy and communicating and still madly in love and without drama. Thank Gawd. We aren't struggling with any of these things, and lest you think I am trying to create issues, you should all know that I am a planner. And I generally plan for the worst case scenario.

The thing of it is that Swiss and I have such a stable, normal, affectionate, honest and fun relationship. It is the most normal relationship I have ever been in. We are so happy and we are so good together. And yes, we had to the whole long distance thing for 90% of our relationship so it hasn't all been cupcakes and fairy tales. But we've had it good. We communicate and we are open and we've gotten through many an issue together, without yelling (neither of us are good fighters), all while being as supportive and understanding as we can.

But I wonder what all this time apart will do to change that. I am not naive enough to think that he will come home and everything will be just as it was when he left. I worry that things won't be as smooth as they were before. I worry that we won't be as good at reading each other, that we won't know how to be like we were before. I don't feel like I am changing, but I can't see how I couldn't. Same for Swiss. And I don't know what weeks and months on end of conversing only by computer screen & keyboard or phones alone does to the communication skills you established before. I don't know what kind of complications it could create.

In short, I wonder if things will ever be the same. Lord, I hope so, because we only had 3 months of 'normal'. We had 90 days to live together full time, to be us. And I can't help but wonder how far reaching the effects of this deployment will be on our relationship. How long will we pay for this? And what will the cost be?

I hate to sound melodramatic about all of this. We really are doing fine and I'm not seeing any red flags. But I guess it would be weird to not think about all of this, no? Anyway, at the end of the day I am going to put my faith in us and in our love. Faith that we will work through any issues that do arise... I can only hope that they are minimal and easy to deal with.

And at night when I am laying awake, I will think of this, think of how strong our love is, and rest easy. "And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." -Kahlil Gibran

Missing.

Missing - Miss"ing\, a. [From Miss, v. i.]
Absent from the place where it was expected to be found; lost; wanting; not present when called or looked for.

That is me, missing Swiss. Today was one of those days when I miss him so much it hurts. And of course it never helps when things aren't going right with everything else. But I love how just talking to him seems to make everything better. One of the million reasons why I love him.

Oh, and keep checking out LeftFace... lots of good stuff over there from some pretty amazing ladies!

Tough like aluminum foil.

That's me. I almost always keep myself together when I talk to Swiss... no tears. I don't want him to worry about me or think that I am struggling in any way (this is an issue more related to his ex-wife and how she chose to handle the last deployment rather than an issues Swiss and I have). I don't even tear up when I talk about it at work or with friends. I don't want their pity. I usually only cry to my mom when she tells me that it is okay to let it out or when I'm home alone missing him so much I just can't stand it.

But Gawd... all it takes is an e-mail from that man and I dissolve into a blubbering mess in front of the computer. He has a way with words (did I tell you about the time he wrote me a poem for a housewarming gift before we were even dating? Talk about swoon!) and he is so genuine, honest and so unabashedly romantic that I simply cannot read his e-mails without crying big, fat, juicy tears. Lord I miss that man.

In the end though, I figure that this isn't a bad dilemma to have. You'll never hear me complain that my husband is too sweet or too kind or too romantic. Just that he is too far away...

I love you Swiss!

Happy Cupid's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day to my Happily-Ever-After.

I love you Swiss, with all my heart.

I love you Alexander Graham Bell.

What a difference a phone call makes.

Swiss called this morning... we actually got to talk. Really talk. Not just 5 or 10 minutes of catching each other up and saying our I love you's. We got to talk about how things are going over there (and found out some disappointing information about his leadership... but that's another post), talk about our future, talk about anything & everything. It left me feeling recharged, happy, like I really can do this.

And of course I always could do this, I always have had it in me to get through this. It's just that sometimes it feels like a lot. It feels unfair, it feels frustrating, it feels lonely. It feels like we have a long way to go- and we do.

But today? Today I am good.

Just the basics.

So yesterday, Swiss and I were sitting/laying on our couch/bed/air mattress and I was looking around at our sparse digs. We only have the all-purpose air mattress, a TV, and XBox 360, and our computer... and a couple of chairs too. That's it, other than the necessary kitchen goods. Its a far cry from the cozy comforts of our well stocked and furnished home. Dare I say it's even a little worse than dorm life.

But you know what? It doesn't matter. Not one bit. Because I am so freakin' happy.

Swiss and I are blissfully, disgustingly happy... and I realized, with great clarity, that we don't need any of the superficial stuff to be happy. Just each other. (Don't get me wrong, I like the superficial stuff... I adore my sofa, my KitchenAid mixer, my tchotchkies, all of it. I like my stuff!) Its just that when you boil it all down, all we really need are the basics, everything else is just details. Swiss is what makes my life good (along with a couple of really special folks like my parents), he is what makes it full of fun, comfort, safety, joy. Being together is all that really matters. And that is pretty cool.

Happy Monday internets... I hope your week is off to a good start!

The other shoe.

Okay, how many of you saw the Sex and the City movie? Do you remember the part where Carrie confronts Charlotte (who recently found out she was pregnant) about not running anymore? And then Charlotte said something that broke my heart (and hit home BIG TIME): She was afraid to run because everything in her life was so good. She had a wonderful husband who loved her dearly, and beautiful family, and knowing that bad things happen to good people all the time, she was afraid to do anything (even the things she loved, like running) that may put her pregnancy in jeopardy. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop. (And yes, that was me, the one sobbing at that point in the movie.)

And I ask you readers: Is this normal? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do any of you feel like this? Because let me tell you this: I do.

Honestly, my life is SO much better than I ever thought it would be. Swiss is a truly amazing person... and I am lucky enough to call him my husband and best friend. I cannot imagine being any happier than I am right now. I have a good job, I have an incredible family, I have lovely friends. I have a home, I have my health, I have a comfortable, happy, wonderful life. It makes me acutely aware of how fragile life is, how tenuous our hold on this life can be. Which makes me wonder when the other shoe will drop. And that terrifies me.

I am sure there are some of you who will tell me to not worry about things that may not happen, not to dwell on the unknown, or worry about things I cannot change. And you are right. 100% right. But the thing is that I see so many stories about wonderful, good people who get cancer and die far, far too early, I can't ignore that soldiers are still dying in this war, and I can't get past that fact that sh*tty things happen to good, kind, incredible people all the time.

What makes me immune? What keeps Swiss safe?

What is preventing that other shoe from dropping? Faith? God? Luck? Fate? All of the above?

And then I wonder about tempting the higher power or "fate" or whatever it is... it is hard enough to get through this life unscathed. But what about sending your husband off to war? Doesn't that change the odds? Knowing that a loved one has a history of cancer? Doesn't that too change your odds? At what point are the odds stacked against you? Do we just hope and pray that we are the lucky ones? And how do you find comfort in hoping to be lucky???

Gaw, if you think about this stuff too much you will drive yourself mad. And reading too many stories of families who have lost so much will make you paranoid. I might be there. I promise: I am generally not neurotic, I am not one who loves to create drama that isn't there. But how, dear readers, do you separate yourself from these sad tales? How do you not let them hit home?

How do you not worry that some day, it might be you?

Army Wife I am.

Hello Internets!!!

I am back... the honeymoon was lovely and I am officially an Army Wife now. The PCS is looming (read 5 days away) and our time together is getting short. This I do not like. I am prone to bouts of tears when I think about not being able to curl up next to him at night, etc, etc. But I am trying to focus on the positive (the wedding was great... things with us are wonderful) and not dwell on the twee details the Army's plans for him.

Right now, our biggest problem is 8th grade algebra. Yes, 8th grade. I suck at math. Swiss Jr. brought home 20+ algebra problems and our attempts to help just gave us shocking proof how quickly this stuff leaves you when you don't need it for a test next week!

Anyway, I hope all is well with you all and I'm glad to be back! Take care and any algebra-related tips would be greatly appreciated! :)

It begins.

Okay- the madness that is our wedding officially begins today with the arrival of my dearest Mom and her best friend (my second Mom) Carolyn. HOORAY! So I am signing off for a few weeks. We are off to wine country for the honeymoon and I will get back to blogging when we return... likely after Swiss' PCS move in early November. Boo hiss.

I'm off to become Mrs. Swiss and I couldn't be happier! Fingers crossed for good weather and thanks for all your well wishes! Take care internets! :)

Love,

Tucker