You know the feeling when you are handling something all on your own (like a PCS) and have your own game plan that you think best suits your needs and your timeline (since you are doing it totally by yourself and all)? That assurance and calmness that comes with having a plan and solutions to the tasks ahead of you? And you know that feeling when your spouse, who is 7,000 miles away and not PCS-ing with you and has been gone for 11 months then tells you how your plan is flawed and that you should do it a different way?
I hate that feeling. That feeling is usually followed by my head hitting the desk so hard I see stars. And that feeling? I has it.
I hate that discussions about this PCS always leave me feeling like I'm doing it wrong. Not that Swiss isn't supportive, and not that he doesn't do a good job of telling me I'm kicking ass. He does. But the conversations about all the other ways I could be doing it? The talks about why don't you just get down there super early and stay at a hotel? Why don't you do this? Why don't you do it that way? THEY. ARE. KILLING. ME.
I don't want to go down early and stay in temporary lodging with my spastic dog and all of our valuables sitting in a truck bed in the parking lot. I don't want to unpack the truck just to re-pack it 2 days later- by myself. I don't want to leave for Fort X immediately following Christmas. I don't want to turn down this housing and wait until he gets home and hope that we can get back on the list. Don't we all remember how stressful getting this one was? I don't want to re-game plan this now. I want to keep going. And mentioning all the other ways I could/should be doing it? Makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong and wasn't smart enough to figure it out on my own.
I hate the resentment I am feeling for the first time in this deployment. I hate the feeling of frustration and anger and the disheartening, overwhelming sinking feeling of "I can't do this anymore". Of course I will do it. I have to. I'm not a quitter and quite frankly I don't have much of a choice. I won't have a breakdown over it because honestly, if I did? The flood gates of 11 months of million kinds of bullshit will come out and I won't be able to stop it. I don't want to resent my husband. I don't want to walk away from this deployment jaded and angry. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be the person I have become in the last 40 something weeks.
I want to be me again. I want to be us again. And I want this to be over. Like yesterday.
Showing posts with label gah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gah. Show all posts
16 December 2009
01 December 2009
Surging.
Gut reaction? I think it is what we need to do, though I hate what it means for our military family.
I thought President Obama's speech was very good and I think that the goals, time lines, narrow focus and specifics will go a long way to remedy and address the issues that arose in the Iraq war (goals that were too broad, no urgency due to no timeline, etc). I am no analyst, I am no General, but I feel like this decision was reached without undue haste, with deep regard to the cost of our troops and country, and with the wisdom of past failures. This plan will be changed, this plan will have pitfalls... but it will also have successes, it will have results and it will provide a timeline to gauge our progress and to assess changes that need to be made.
If we must be at war, I would rather we be thoughtful and concerned about the outcomes. I would rather we be specific and decisive, not open-ended and vague. I would rather follow a CinC with a clear vision and a complete understanding of all factors at play. In short, I support this surge. Even though we as a military community will bear the burden.
After listening to all of President Obama's speech, I was beyond pleased to find both Swiss's concerns and mine addressed (which at times are quite divergent), and walk away feeling like, finally, we have a POTUS who isn't short-sighted, who sees the big picture and who is willing to engage in thoughtful, concerted, honest dialogue about the issues facing our country, our military, and our world. It's about damned time.
Also, for the record: I cannot tolerate the media, pundits, analysts, politicians (on both sides) and opportunists who took this serious matter, this issue of national and world concern, this commitment of 30,000 of our bravest men and women, and turn it into a chance to up their political stock, extend their 15 minutes of fame, or goad the other side for future electoral gains. Also, when it is obvious within the first 20 seconds of you opening your mouth that you only heard what you wanted to hear, you loose all credibility. Just so you know.
The end.
I thought President Obama's speech was very good and I think that the goals, time lines, narrow focus and specifics will go a long way to remedy and address the issues that arose in the Iraq war (goals that were too broad, no urgency due to no timeline, etc). I am no analyst, I am no General, but I feel like this decision was reached without undue haste, with deep regard to the cost of our troops and country, and with the wisdom of past failures. This plan will be changed, this plan will have pitfalls... but it will also have successes, it will have results and it will provide a timeline to gauge our progress and to assess changes that need to be made.
If we must be at war, I would rather we be thoughtful and concerned about the outcomes. I would rather we be specific and decisive, not open-ended and vague. I would rather follow a CinC with a clear vision and a complete understanding of all factors at play. In short, I support this surge. Even though we as a military community will bear the burden.
After listening to all of President Obama's speech, I was beyond pleased to find both Swiss's concerns and mine addressed (which at times are quite divergent), and walk away feeling like, finally, we have a POTUS who isn't short-sighted, who sees the big picture and who is willing to engage in thoughtful, concerted, honest dialogue about the issues facing our country, our military, and our world. It's about damned time.
Also, for the record: I cannot tolerate the media, pundits, analysts, politicians (on both sides) and opportunists who took this serious matter, this issue of national and world concern, this commitment of 30,000 of our bravest men and women, and turn it into a chance to up their political stock, extend their 15 minutes of fame, or goad the other side for future electoral gains. Also, when it is obvious within the first 20 seconds of you opening your mouth that you only heard what you wanted to hear, you loose all credibility. Just so you know.
The end.
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