A question.

Okay, so at the almost halfway point (with a few months to go before R&R) I'm starting to feel the effects of being separated from Swiss for so long. I don't know how much of this is because we are newlyweds, how much is because I am still new to Army life or how much is just because this sucks.

Do any of you sort of forget what it feels like to be married? I'm not saying that I don't feel like I am married or anything like that. I just mean, do you ever find yourself in the middle of a deployment trying to remember what it was like to have someone else in the house, to cook for two, to wash underwear that isn't from Victoria's Secret or to have to come to a consensus to watch TV? Do you find yourself trying to grasp what it is/was like to cohabitate, to have someone else physically in the house at almost all times?

Because I sort of feel like all that stuff is slipping away... I remember the times when all those things were normal. But they don't feel real, it feels like something that happened a long, long time ago... in a land far, far away.

Am I weird? Never mind, don't answer that.

Please don't misconstrue this as me not wanting to be married or contemplating single life again or any other ridiculousness. I am very happily married. It's just that right now I feel more married rightthisminute to my cell phone and the idea of a husband than I do the person on the other end of the line. Does that even make sense?

I've started sleeping in the middle of the bed again. I eat dinner on tiny plates at my computer. I use up all the hot water. I buy less cheese and more fruit. I watch SATC reruns whenever they are on. Somewhere along the line this became my new normal. And I don't like it. I liked my old normal that involved Swiss at home, cooking for two, having a 'side' of the bed, bushing my teeth with someone else standing next to me, the smell of soap that isn't from Bath & Body Works and sweaty PTs on the floor. Know what I mean?

Sigh. I know my old normal will become my new normal again when Swiss is home, but somehow this new normal feels really foreign and lonely. I like being married. This imposed geographical bachelorette business? For the birds.

Come home soon Swiss... I'd like to get back to our normal again. I miss you...

The mass media edition.

I have always been a bit on the sappy side. I have been known to cry during episodes of Sex and the City, so let's not even talk about the really emotional stuff. And I am a sucker for those dreamy, heartfelt, emotional songs on the radio. But usually I can reign it in. I don't cry in public... I don't like being that girl.

Well, I cried in a Goodwill this week. Yes, Goodwill. My Mom and I went in there looking for vases and while she was checking out the sappy song on the overhead muzak channel made me cry. Seriously. Now I am that girl. Bah.

I couldn't watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tonight because I was teary in the first 3 minutes. I even tried to go back a while into it, nope, instant mistiness. (It didn't help that the woman's husband died... duh. Probably not a smart choice...)

Anyway, I have been relegated to watching an America's Next Top Model marathon. Heck, next week I will probably be watching Rock of Love Bus. Apparently I can't HANDLE the sappy. Oh well, what I save in Kleenex I will make up for in mushy brain bits. I'm hoping Swiss will find them endearing.

The other shoe.

Okay, how many of you saw the Sex and the City movie? Do you remember the part where Carrie confronts Charlotte (who recently found out she was pregnant) about not running anymore? And then Charlotte said something that broke my heart (and hit home BIG TIME): She was afraid to run because everything in her life was so good. She had a wonderful husband who loved her dearly, and beautiful family, and knowing that bad things happen to good people all the time, she was afraid to do anything (even the things she loved, like running) that may put her pregnancy in jeopardy. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop. (And yes, that was me, the one sobbing at that point in the movie.)

And I ask you readers: Is this normal? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do any of you feel like this? Because let me tell you this: I do.

Honestly, my life is SO much better than I ever thought it would be. Swiss is a truly amazing person... and I am lucky enough to call him my husband and best friend. I cannot imagine being any happier than I am right now. I have a good job, I have an incredible family, I have lovely friends. I have a home, I have my health, I have a comfortable, happy, wonderful life. It makes me acutely aware of how fragile life is, how tenuous our hold on this life can be. Which makes me wonder when the other shoe will drop. And that terrifies me.

I am sure there are some of you who will tell me to not worry about things that may not happen, not to dwell on the unknown, or worry about things I cannot change. And you are right. 100% right. But the thing is that I see so many stories about wonderful, good people who get cancer and die far, far too early, I can't ignore that soldiers are still dying in this war, and I can't get past that fact that sh*tty things happen to good, kind, incredible people all the time.

What makes me immune? What keeps Swiss safe?

What is preventing that other shoe from dropping? Faith? God? Luck? Fate? All of the above?

And then I wonder about tempting the higher power or "fate" or whatever it is... it is hard enough to get through this life unscathed. But what about sending your husband off to war? Doesn't that change the odds? Knowing that a loved one has a history of cancer? Doesn't that too change your odds? At what point are the odds stacked against you? Do we just hope and pray that we are the lucky ones? And how do you find comfort in hoping to be lucky???

Gaw, if you think about this stuff too much you will drive yourself mad. And reading too many stories of families who have lost so much will make you paranoid. I might be there. I promise: I am generally not neurotic, I am not one who loves to create drama that isn't there. But how, dear readers, do you separate yourself from these sad tales? How do you not let them hit home?

How do you not worry that some day, it might be you?