30 June 2008

Curse my Analytical Brain

I must preface any further posts with a fact you must know about me: I am not a writer.

I am a scientist. I have been trained to write in the most boring-to-read style/format ever. Swiss is the writer in this pair. He is witty, creative, eloquent and brilliant with words. I, on the other hand, am not. So bear with me...
Today I am cursing my desire... no, need... to learn about things I don't know. Like being a military spouse. I got it in my head that I needed to read up on the topic... so I searched out other blogs and milspouse resources and I find a few good options. So I marched to the library last Friday and picked up "While They're At War" by Kristin Henderson. And I must say that so far it has been not only a good read, but very informative.

HOWEVER, there is this pesky little chapter called "The Knock at the Door". I cannot explain the fear that it put in my head. I can barely comprehend the gut-wrenching experiences these women endured. And my heart broke a little with each story she told. It was a chapter about being told your spouse, your rock, the love of your life was dead.

Any strength and courage I had mustered up over the past weeks vanished as I lay in bed reading. All I could do was finish the chapter and send a (very) teary-eyed prayer to God begging him to keep Swiss safe and sound.

I don't mean to sound like I am an emotional wreck. I'm not. I am keeping it together. But sometimes the reality of all of this smacks me in the face so hard it knocks me off my feet. It makes me question everything... every decision, every news story, even my faith. This chapter made me realize that these soldiers were just like Swiss. They were wonderful men, all amazing fathers, husbands and friends. They had loved ones praying for them every night. They had the skills, equipment and training the military gave them. They were leaders in their fields. And they still didn't come home.

But prayers, faith, trust and hope (don't forget Luck!) are all I have. Faith that God will keep him safe and return him home to me alive. Trust in his abilities, his smarts, his skills to keep him and his men safe. And hope for our future. That, with a bit of luck, will have to do.

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