16 December 2009

That sinking feeling.

You know the feeling when you are handling something all on your own (like a PCS) and have your own game plan that you think best suits your needs and your timeline (since you are doing it totally by yourself and all)? That assurance and calmness that comes with having a plan and solutions to the tasks ahead of you? And you know that feeling when your spouse, who is 7,000 miles away and not PCS-ing with you and has been gone for 11 months then tells you how your plan is flawed and that you should do it a different way?

I hate that feeling. That feeling is usually followed by my head hitting the desk so hard I see stars. And that feeling? I has it.

I hate that discussions about this PCS always leave me feeling like I'm doing it wrong. Not that Swiss isn't supportive, and not that he doesn't do a good job of telling me I'm kicking ass. He does. But the conversations about all the other ways I could be doing it? The talks about why don't you just get down there super early and stay at a hotel? Why don't you do this? Why don't you do it that way? THEY. ARE. KILLING. ME.

I don't want to go down early and stay in temporary lodging with my spastic dog and all of our valuables sitting in a truck bed in the parking lot. I don't want to unpack the truck just to re-pack it 2 days later- by myself. I don't want to leave for Fort X immediately following Christmas. I don't want to turn down this housing and wait until he gets home and hope that we can get back on the list. Don't we all remember how stressful getting this one was? I don't want to re-game plan this now. I want to keep going. And mentioning all the other ways I could/should be doing it? Makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong and wasn't smart enough to figure it out on my own.

I hate the resentment I am feeling for the first time in this deployment. I hate the feeling of frustration and anger and the disheartening, overwhelming sinking feeling of "I can't do this anymore". Of course I will do it. I have to. I'm not a quitter and quite frankly I don't have much of a choice. I won't have a breakdown over it because honestly, if I did? The flood gates of 11 months of million kinds of bullshit will come out and I won't be able to stop it. I don't want to resent my husband. I don't want to walk away from this deployment jaded and angry. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be the person I have become in the last 40 something weeks.

I want to be me again. I want to be us again. And I want this to be over. Like yesterday.


Kayla said...

Okay well, obviously I don't know you or your husband that well but I do know me and mine. And I would say that you and I would handle this very similarly. I also know that the BF would give me 1000 different solutions to the way that I would choose to do things. And I would also resent it and get upset and think he's criticizing my choices. But I also know why he would do that and I think this is what Swiss is doing: He hates to see you stressed out and upset so he wants to fix it. He thinks he's helping you by trying to provide solutions. The BF thinks that by my complaining, I'm asking him to fix it, and I'm really not. I think Swiss really just wants to help and make it all better for you. But obviously his advice is only stressing you out more. It will suck, but it will get done, and it will be over eventually. And that's what you have to comfort yourself with. You are strong, and there is no easy way to PCS. Keep your head up! :-)

Bette said...

Kayla makes a good point -- by the nature of their jobs, our sweeties are doers and fixers, and they keep trying to do and fix remotely, not realizing how it feels to the person WHO'S DOING ALL THE WORK ALONE.

Ahem. Deep breath.

My honey and I are working on this, and you need to take heart -- it gets better. He's figuring out that I take his suggestions as second-guessing, and I'm figuring out that he's just trying to help, and my saying "Do it your %&$^ing self" is not really constructive.

Hang in there. I think you're doing a great job, and soon this will all be behind you!