11 December 2009


So something interesting has happened this past week. We found out about housing on Tuesday (sorry for the lag in posting) and I got all sorts of giddy about it. Now? I find myself homesick for a place I've never been to. Correction: I've been to Fort X, I've lived in a house in the same housing community we are now assigned to and therefore I know exactly (more or less) what our home will look like. But I've never set foot in the house we will move into at the end of the month. Anyway, yes, I am homesick for a place that never has been home. Weird, I know.

I think maybe, more than anything, I am homesick for the idea of our life there. Swiss will be home. We will have our stuff. Luggage will only be used for trips, not makeshift dressers. I can get a routine going again. I can feel settled again. We can get on with being us. We can have something that is completely ours again.

I'm sure that right now that all sounds and seems way more romantic than it actually is (laundry! cleaning! cable bills!). But it will be ours. And at this point, I can't hardly remember what it was like to live with Swiss. All I can remember is me living alone in my house, going on about my routine, just trying to make the days go by faster. My memories of our "normal" life revolve around makeshift living arrangements and mentally gearing up for a deployment. We were only married 2 months before he deployed (join the crowd, I know). They are memories tinged with fear and worry... that was a time of stress and pressure and the looming uncertainty of the future ahead of us. Things were good with us but there was so much extra drama swirling around us and so much build up for the deployment that it colored everything we did.

I am sure that our new life together at Fort X will have its share of drama and worry and the like. But somehow I am certain that this new home, this new start, this new normal will be so wonderful if only because there won't be a deployment looming and we can just focus on us being us. That is a luxury we haven't had in a long, long time, if ever.

I am so grateful for my family for putting Fletcher and I up for this time. I am thankful that I have such a supportive family who is willing to rearrange everything (sort of) for Swiss and me. But also, I am tired of being an imposition. I am over making it work. I am ready to get back to being my normal independent self. And I am ready to start being a wife again.

I know it will come. It isn't that far away... but these last few months have left me feeling more anxious and disheveled than relieved and excited. Moving in to our new home and getting our life set up again? I think that will go a long way towards getting me excited and thrilled for Swiss coming home.


Meghan said...

I'm so excited for you to set up your new house! I can't wait to be doing that part! And mostly I think we are all excited for the holidays to be O-V-E-R! Sorry to all those who do have your loved ones home. I will be cheery again with you next year, I promise!

Kayla said...

Aww! I'm excited for you! Good luck with the moving process! :-)