22 September 2009

Crisis of...

Take your pick...

It feels like I should be either irate or inconsolable with all that has happened, all that is going on, all the utter crap that has been raining down on this little life of ours/mine. Instead, I feel nothing. I am catatonic. I feel like I am just stumbling forward to some theoretical end-date where magically everything will be okay and Swiss will be home and all of this will be behind us. I know that day is out there, I know it is coming, but damn if it doesn't feel like it won't ever get here. Oh, and I don't actually know how to get there. Minor detail.

This weekend's events have left me with a crisis of faith. I can't understand why it was him, why he had to leave like that. I can't fathom why a man that made this world a better place would be taken away prematurely, be he 91 or 19. Pair that along side my pre-existing issues with religion, war, fairness and why nothing is the way it aught to be and I can't tell up from down anymore. I want to pray for Swiss' safe return, I want to pray for the safety of my friend's husbands at war. I want to pray for my loved ones who are struggling with the twists and turns of life. I want to pray to lessen whatever burdens I am lugging around. But I don't think (s)he is listening. I don't think my issues are big enough to register on the radar. I feel small and tossed about and insignificant. I don't know what to do when nothing is going right. I used to pray, but now, it feels like an empty ritual and nothing more. It feels like I am talking to air.

I am in the midst of a crisis of confidence the likes of which I have never before experienced because nothing I am doing is working out, nothing is even close to going as planned. I used to think I could do anything. Now I feel like no matter what I do, its destined for failure. I looked at this deployment as something I could tackle relatively easily. Now I look around and see a house deal that just won't go smoothly, a potential emergency mission to abort our move, a looming mortgage and unemployment amidst family drama and personal loss... not to mention 8 months without my husband. My best laid plans are, currently, a house of cards and it is getting windy in here. For so long there was no doubt in my mind that I could take care of all this alone... no doubt that everything would work out. Now, I just feel like I want to give up. What's the point in trying?

I used to believe in Karma. I always thought that if you did good, if you did the right thing, if you were kind and patient and generous that it would all come back to you. I'm fucking nice all the damned time. I always do the right thing even when it doesn't always benefit me. I don't know where all my Karma went. Maybe I blew the whole lot when I met Swiss. All I know is that it isn't here and I need it. Something fierce.

And I still can't understand why, in the middle of a deployment, I was lucky enough to get stuck with a buyer with the batshit insane agent who doesn't understand basic math and has less than zero personal skills with a side of irrationality. She has magically convinced herself and the buyer that there is a phantom $3000 missing and we are trying to get him to pay it. Which would be true if we had all agreed to sell/buy the house for $3000 more than we did. Also, please check my math:
$159,900-$3,000=$156,900. Yes? So then $156,900-$150,000=$6,900. Okay. Then $6,900/2=$3450. Correct? So if we are paying $3000 closing plus $3450 that means we are bringing (this makes me sick to write) $6450 to the table (less 'profit'). The remaining cost is $3450 that the buyer has to come up with. Correct? So how, pray tell, is the buyer getting the unfair end of it all? I CANNOT TELL YOU BECAUSE IT ISN'T TRUE. But she thinks it is gospel and has now convinced him that we are big mean bullies who are trying to take him for all he's worth. Never mind the insane deal (plus the $8000 from the government that they clearly think we don't know about) he is getting on our house and the $6450 we are paying OUT OF POCKET SO HE CAN HAVE OUR HOUSE. Gah. I give up. Really, I do. Done.

Someone please wake me up when this is all over because I'm pretty sure I can't handle it anymore.


SS said...

My condolences to you and your family over the loss of your grandpa.

I've been in the same place you are now and I know that there are no magic words to help, partularly from a stranger. I'm sorry that you are going thru all this at the same time. You will find your place of strength to get thru it all. It's hard, but you will.

Jennifer said...

Aw, Tuck. What a pile of shit you're stuck wading through. I wish I could help in some way.
I'm so very sorry about your grandfather. My thoughts are with your family.
Please make sure that you are sleeping and eating and getting some exercise. You may not feel like doing any of that, but you need to force yourself.
You WILL get through this. You will. One day at a time, sweetie. One day at a time.

Meghan said...

I am so, so sorry you are dealing with all of this right now. Especially when you don't have Swiss around and you haven't seen him for 8 whole months. That is rough. I've seen what a strong lady you are on this blog. I will not say it's going to be fine. I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and your family and hoping for the best

Bree said...

I think you are doing beautifully considering all the things in crisis mode in your life. I would be a raving lunatic lol!

Keep your chin up & keep treading water girl it'll pass :o)

Kanani said...

Ah, Tucker.
I'm so sorry.
Well, here's the thing. You've had a bunch of things crop up in the past 3 weeks and hit you on the head like a whammy stick. This, on top of the missing Swiss would be enough to send anyone to some kind of spiritual crisis, if not into a vat of chocolate almonds followed by 2 gallons of butter pecan ice cream.

I'm not going to go deep into karma, but remember you have a chance to take this entire experience, reframe it, and do the right things. This doesn't mean you're going to grieve less or even hate the house situation less, but I think a load should be taken off because you're not to blame. You've experienced a terrible loss and also a rather big inconvenience with the house. These are all on this big twisted path of life, and believe me ...this too shall path.

Things will turn out. Just wait. Now breathe.

liberal army wife said...

Faith isn't my strong suit, dear. As Kanani said, we learn from this... but damn, it's just a pile and we have to pull on the boots and wade through it. Asshat realtor's math is very faulty and it may be time to tell her that either her client lives up to the PA or you take your house and leave the table. and make sure she is reported to the Realtor Board. trying to take advantage of a deployed service member and his spouse, just not a nice thing to do, even in the non military area you call home.

One day at a time..yeah. breathing is good, and getting out and taking a long walk with the pup would be good too. Some yoga? or a movie that can "take you away"..give that busy little brain a break. Get the new Gabaldon book and dive in!

Plans, in our way of life, usually don't happen. sorry, but after many years of doing this shit, its simply not possible to plan! Every time you do, you are set up to fail. and that's the harsh truth of it. Learning to let that planning gene go - will keep you from strangling idiot realtors (you sure her name isn't the G girl?) from losing sleep and sanity. If I only knew how to do this myself, I'd tell you.

I don't pray - I'm not sure there is anyone/anything listening. but there IS a point in trying. There is. If you don't try, if you just let everything happen without trying to direct it, you will go totally round the bend. You and I and others of our ilk, we need to feel some control. We don't allow ourselves to be thrown around, without doing some throwing of our own. trying to change the way you were born - NOT a good thing, designed to make you a very angry Tucker.

Karma will swing in your direction, it just isn't doing it right now.

It's an empty thing to say - but we ARE here for you, we stand behind you and when necessary, we'll stand in front. but we are always, always, next to you.


Molly said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult stuff you are going through. I'm impressed by your strength and grace in the face of it all, though, too. My thoughts are with you.


Kanani said...

Chocolate helps a great deal.

tara said...

sometimes my best way of dealing with muckety muck is to take a big long nap. seems the unconscious can sometimes help me ease my way around the jagged edges of my woken reality.

deployments are hard, there is no way around it.

and it is no fun selling a house in a buyer's market. i do hope that once all is said and done and the mystery money is accounted for, that you will feel better to have it off your back.

one foot in front of the other. take it easy, take care of yourself. have hope, it will get better.

your ability to articulate your feelings, own them, will serve you well...