06 July 2009

A question.

Okay, so at the almost halfway point (with a few months to go before R&R) I'm starting to feel the effects of being separated from Swiss for so long. I don't know how much of this is because we are newlyweds, how much is because I am still new to Army life or how much is just because this sucks.

Do any of you sort of forget what it feels like to be married? I'm not saying that I don't feel like I am married or anything like that. I just mean, do you ever find yourself in the middle of a deployment trying to remember what it was like to have someone else in the house, to cook for two, to wash underwear that isn't from Victoria's Secret or to have to come to a consensus to watch TV? Do you find yourself trying to grasp what it is/was like to cohabitate, to have someone else physically in the house at almost all times?

Because I sort of feel like all that stuff is slipping away... I remember the times when all those things were normal. But they don't feel real, it feels like something that happened a long, long time ago... in a land far, far away.

Am I weird? Never mind, don't answer that.

Please don't misconstrue this as me not wanting to be married or contemplating single life again or any other ridiculousness. I am very happily married. It's just that right now I feel more married rightthisminute to my cell phone and the idea of a husband than I do the person on the other end of the line. Does that even make sense?

I've started sleeping in the middle of the bed again. I eat dinner on tiny plates at my computer. I use up all the hot water. I buy less cheese and more fruit. I watch SATC reruns whenever they are on. Somewhere along the line this became my new normal. And I don't like it. I liked my old normal that involved Swiss at home, cooking for two, having a 'side' of the bed, bushing my teeth with someone else standing next to me, the smell of soap that isn't from Bath & Body Works and sweaty PTs on the floor. Know what I mean?

Sigh. I know my old normal will become my new normal again when Swiss is home, but somehow this new normal feels really foreign and lonely. I like being married. This imposed geographical bachelorette business? For the birds.

Come home soon Swiss... I'd like to get back to our normal again. I miss you...


The Army Wife said...

I hate to break it to you, but your old normal will not be your new normal. Your old normal will in fact be your old normal and your new normal will be just that -- new. It won't be the same as it was before he left. And I know this sounds harsh, but don't expect it to be.

You will still have your "current" normal -- sleeping in the middle of the bed and all -- but you two will have to learn a new routine. He will be used to his year apart, and you will be used to yours. As nice as it is to think that you will fall back into an old routine, I'm telling you as somebody who has gone through this and who is getting ready to go through it again -- there will have to be a new NEW normal.

And don't get upset when it doesn't happen right away.

But I know what you are going through. A million times over. Maybe I'm being a pessimist, and maybe somebody else will have better advice. All I can say is uou guys will be fine. Just don't have any expectations, and go with the flow. That's the best advice I can give you.

Bree said...

I concur lol! Your "old normal" will always & forever be your old normal. You may find a resemblence to the old normal when he's back but it will never be THE same. Doesn't, in any way, mean it will be bad but it will be different. & you'll be even more grateful for the "new normal" that includes him being home with you :o)

But I do agree with you & no you aren't weird. I, too, felt married to my phone & not an actual person. Almost as though he were a figment of my imagination. & once he was back home it was definately a transition for us both. All those things that became my new normal (ie: sleeping in the middle of the bed, all my sink space, my 500 bottles of shampoo & body wash, etc.) had changed me & when he got home it was hard to give it up. I adored having him home with me but there were definately days when I really, REALLY wanted my space back lol! I know, horrible right?! But it's NORMAL to feel that way, or at least so I've been told...

My point is this: I understand how you feel, I went through it too. & what you feel is never "wrong", they're your feelings. & before you know it he'll be home taking up all your space & you'll love it & hate it at the same time LOL!

Bette said...

I agree with the previous comments -- you're likely to have a new new normal rather than the old normal. Not that it will be worse, but I don't want you to hold up the old normal as the shining ideal and be crushed if it's different.

Just remember, the cool thing about finding the new new normal is that you get to do it together. :-)

Slightly Salty said...

Girl, it's like you are in my mind. When I read this post, I immediately thought of one of my own blog posts when I felt the same way. There is a song by this group Keane called Crystal Ball and here is part of the lyrics that resonated with me during that time.

"Who is the man I see
Where I’m supposed to be?
I lost my heart, I buried it too deep under the iron sea

Lines ever more unclear
I'm not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm starting to disappear"

I got to a point, like you, where I felt that I was operating like this unfeeling robot. I forgot what it felt like to be married, to share the house and space with someone and all that. My day to day didn't involve him except for phone calls and one day I heard that song and the lyrics jumped out at me. I was losing myself b/c I had shut myself off to function and block out the hurt of him being gone for that long.

Whatever normal you had will be different when he comes home like others said. But you go with it from there and make the new normal the best normal you can.

indiana.girl said...

Totally normal! I remember the moment when it hit me, I'd come back from a walk around the neighborhood, opened the door and realized, with a sinking, guilty, horrible feeling that the house felt like it was mine. Not ours. I'd kept his stuff everywhere, even spit bottles (yeah, gross!) and his shoes next to mine, but even so, my own patterns of living had superceeded our own. I had to grieve the loss and then embrace the reality.

Tucker said...

Thanks for all your comments Ladies... I know it is unreasonable to think that things will be just like they were BD (before deployment) but yeah, I just want my normal to include him again.

Like you said on the phone Army Wife... if I wanted to be alone and have my single life, I wouldn't have gotten married! I know things will be fine, I know that as long as we communicate and don't have specific expectations things will be okay... but thanks for telling me I'm not crazy! Sometimes that is what helps the most!

Love you all!!!!

Army Duck said...

I'm already emotional today but reading this is making me tear up like a baby.

I totally know what you mean about being married to your cell phone. As I fall asleep at night when B is away I say aloud goodnight to him and talk to my phone (I know this sounds crazy) I feel like it is him because it is the only contact we have so talking to it and holding it in my hand makes me feel closer to him.

Does it help if I tell you that you are doing a great job with the big D.. It might not now but hopefully looking back you'll realise that you are an inspiration to a lot of people going through similar situations.

Thinking of you,


kimba said...

Late to the party again - but here's my 2 cents anyway.

1. You are experiencing 100% normal deployment stuff. We've all been there. It's hard as hell.

2. Maybe I'm/we're weird, but when J came back from his two deployments, everything was just like the old normal. Maybe it's because he was only gone for 6 months each time? Dunno. I do agree with the above commenters on this point: don't feel bad if things change a little. But on the other hand, they might not.

Be good to yourself - *hug*

Smiles said...

Only military wives understand that the phrase "new new normal" is not a typo like spell/grammar check says it is. I think we need a new phrase: "Normal for Now" because our lives are constantly changing and nothing is ever the same as it once was. Even when Swiss gets back you'll be moving, he'll retire, you'll have new jobs... your "normal" will have to reset itself many times over.

You are not alone. Everyone goes through it. And once this deployment is over, he'll be by your side to support you during all the new adjustments.

Try to be grateful for where you are now - once your husband is back and if/when kids enter the picture you'll be craving some alone time and time to be reflective & introspective like you get to be now.

Reminds me of the song You're Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins.