Okay, how many of you saw the Sex and the City movie? Do you remember the part where Carrie confronts Charlotte (who recently found out she was pregnant) about not running anymore? And then Charlotte said something that broke my heart (and hit home BIG TIME): She was afraid to run because everything in her life was so good. She had a wonderful husband who loved her dearly, and beautiful family, and knowing that bad things happen to good people all the time, she was afraid to do anything (even the things she loved, like running) that may put her pregnancy in jeopardy. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop. (And yes, that was me, the one sobbing at that point in the movie.)
And I ask you readers: Is this normal? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do any of you feel like this? Because let me tell you this: I do.
Honestly, my life is SO much better than I ever thought it would be. Swiss is a truly amazing person... and I am lucky enough to call him my husband and best friend. I cannot imagine being any happier than I am right now. I have a good job, I have an incredible family, I have lovely friends. I have a home, I have my health, I have a comfortable, happy, wonderful life. It makes me acutely aware of how fragile life is, how tenuous our hold on this life can be. Which makes me wonder when the other shoe will drop. And that terrifies me.
I am sure there are some of you who will tell me to not worry about things that may not happen, not to dwell on the unknown, or worry about things I cannot change. And you are right. 100% right. But the thing is that I see so many stories about wonderful, good people who get cancer and die far, far too early, I can't ignore that soldiers are still dying in this war, and I can't get past that fact that sh*tty things happen to good, kind, incredible people all the time.
What makes me immune? What keeps Swiss safe?
What is preventing that other shoe from dropping? Faith? God? Luck? Fate? All of the above?
And then I wonder about tempting the higher power or "fate" or whatever it is... it is hard enough to get through this life unscathed. But what about sending your husband off to war? Doesn't that change the odds? Knowing that a loved one has a history of cancer? Doesn't that too change your odds? At what point are the odds stacked against you? Do we just hope and pray that we are the lucky ones? And how do you find comfort in hoping to be lucky???
Gaw, if you think about this stuff too much you will drive yourself mad. And reading too many stories of families who have lost so much will make you paranoid. I might be there. I promise: I am generally not neurotic, I am not one who loves to create drama that isn't there. But how, dear readers, do you separate yourself from these sad tales? How do you not let them hit home?
How do you not worry that some day, it might be you?