09 December 2008

The other shoe.

Okay, how many of you saw the Sex and the City movie? Do you remember the part where Carrie confronts Charlotte (who recently found out she was pregnant) about not running anymore? And then Charlotte said something that broke my heart (and hit home BIG TIME): She was afraid to run because everything in her life was so good. She had a wonderful husband who loved her dearly, and beautiful family, and knowing that bad things happen to good people all the time, she was afraid to do anything (even the things she loved, like running) that may put her pregnancy in jeopardy. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop. (And yes, that was me, the one sobbing at that point in the movie.)

And I ask you readers: Is this normal? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do any of you feel like this? Because let me tell you this: I do.

Honestly, my life is SO much better than I ever thought it would be. Swiss is a truly amazing person... and I am lucky enough to call him my husband and best friend. I cannot imagine being any happier than I am right now. I have a good job, I have an incredible family, I have lovely friends. I have a home, I have my health, I have a comfortable, happy, wonderful life. It makes me acutely aware of how fragile life is, how tenuous our hold on this life can be. Which makes me wonder when the other shoe will drop. And that terrifies me.

I am sure there are some of you who will tell me to not worry about things that may not happen, not to dwell on the unknown, or worry about things I cannot change. And you are right. 100% right. But the thing is that I see so many stories about wonderful, good people who get cancer and die far, far too early, I can't ignore that soldiers are still dying in this war, and I can't get past that fact that sh*tty things happen to good, kind, incredible people all the time.

What makes me immune? What keeps Swiss safe?

What is preventing that other shoe from dropping? Faith? God? Luck? Fate? All of the above?

And then I wonder about tempting the higher power or "fate" or whatever it is... it is hard enough to get through this life unscathed. But what about sending your husband off to war? Doesn't that change the odds? Knowing that a loved one has a history of cancer? Doesn't that too change your odds? At what point are the odds stacked against you? Do we just hope and pray that we are the lucky ones? And how do you find comfort in hoping to be lucky???

Gaw, if you think about this stuff too much you will drive yourself mad. And reading too many stories of families who have lost so much will make you paranoid. I might be there. I promise: I am generally not neurotic, I am not one who loves to create drama that isn't there. But how, dear readers, do you separate yourself from these sad tales? How do you not let them hit home?

How do you not worry that some day, it might be you?


kimba said...

Confession: J is in the nay vee, so when I sent him off to two deployments, I was sending him off on an aircraft carrier where he would be perfectly safe, even in the Persian Gulf. I still worried that my marriage was too good and too happy to be real. I still worried that he'd get cancer, fall off the flight deck and drown, get hit by a car during a port visit, or that something awful would happen. Everything seemed too good to be true, and I couldn't shake the feeling that my luck would just run out.

Sending someone off to war must intensify these feelings immeasurably, but I think the basic "I can't believe I'm so happy and lucky and holy crap I'm afraid it's so wonderful it can't be real" feelings are kind of normal, maybe. Especially while facing a long period of separation for the first time.

Or, I'm completely bonkers, which is equally possible ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Tucker, let me tell you this, I am 62 years old, have raised a terrific daughter, have recently aquired a wonderful son-in-law and I am here to tell you that the other shoe hasen't fallen yet on me. Life is good and full of blessings....I'm not a church goer, but I do pray ALOT, and yes, I thank God ALOT for all he has blessed me with....perhaps thats the answer, don't just ask for help, thank him for all the good stuff. But I know my faith is probably the only thing that gets me through the tough stuff, because I know I'm not alone. Enjoy everything you have, especially having found Swiss and he you, I believe that was a mircle and I expect more for both of you....REALLY,
Nice talking to you. LOLA

Tucker said...

Okay... it is good to know at least one other person felt the same way... thanks Kimba! And to you LOLA... you are the best, thank you! Muh! Muh!

(PS-if you havne't guessed, LOLA is my mum.)

Anonymous said...

I felt this way constantly after both my kiddos were born and when my husband deployed. As far as coping goes...I try to remember that luck and love are infinite resources and focus on something tangible and creative, something in the moment, and let the future stay where it belongs.
It usually works for me, but when it doesn't I ban all my media outlets and drink a glass of wine. Oh, and I have a secret stash of pot. ;)

Cassandra said...

I totally feel like this right now. I am trying to embrace the right now and not stress to much about the future but it is hard... Hopefully that other shoe never drops for you just like your Mum.

I love that your Mum comments your blog just like my Mum does and this "Oh, and I have a secret stash of pot. ;)" made me choke on my drink haha

Tucker said...

Ha ha ha! Lopsided Mom... you crack me up. I am all for the red wine. I will stock up for the deployment. I just need to remember not to become at total Wino. Or I could get a "Wino Forever" tattoo like Johnny Depp and we could become besties. And now I have gone mad. Thanks for the advice and the great giggle! :)