07 April 2009

The other D.

Distance. They say it makes the heart grow fonder, right? But the cynic in me knows that distance can do a lot of other things... those are the things that worm their way into my head when I can't sleep...

Distance can make us drift apart. Distance can make us weaker. Distance can make us different. Distance can create tension or worse yet temptation.

Please don't take this wrong right off the bat. Swiss and I are doing great (aside from the ongoing weeks of no phone calls). We are happy and communicating and still madly in love and without drama. Thank Gawd. We aren't struggling with any of these things, and lest you think I am trying to create issues, you should all know that I am a planner. And I generally plan for the worst case scenario.

The thing of it is that Swiss and I have such a stable, normal, affectionate, honest and fun relationship. It is the most normal relationship I have ever been in. We are so happy and we are so good together. And yes, we had to the whole long distance thing for 90% of our relationship so it hasn't all been cupcakes and fairy tales. But we've had it good. We communicate and we are open and we've gotten through many an issue together, without yelling (neither of us are good fighters), all while being as supportive and understanding as we can.

But I wonder what all this time apart will do to change that. I am not naive enough to think that he will come home and everything will be just as it was when he left. I worry that things won't be as smooth as they were before. I worry that we won't be as good at reading each other, that we won't know how to be like we were before. I don't feel like I am changing, but I can't see how I couldn't. Same for Swiss. And I don't know what weeks and months on end of conversing only by computer screen & keyboard or phones alone does to the communication skills you established before. I don't know what kind of complications it could create.

In short, I wonder if things will ever be the same. Lord, I hope so, because we only had 3 months of 'normal'. We had 90 days to live together full time, to be us. And I can't help but wonder how far reaching the effects of this deployment will be on our relationship. How long will we pay for this? And what will the cost be?

I hate to sound melodramatic about all of this. We really are doing fine and I'm not seeing any red flags. But I guess it would be weird to not think about all of this, no? Anyway, at the end of the day I am going to put my faith in us and in our love. Faith that we will work through any issues that do arise... I can only hope that they are minimal and easy to deal with.

And at night when I am laying awake, I will think of this, think of how strong our love is, and rest easy. "And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." -Kahlil Gibran

7 comments:

slightly salty said...

From my own experience, you both will change some throughout this deployment but I don't mean that negatively. Who knows what will happen but it sounds like you have such a solid relationship. The communication thing is hard to figure but if you focus on keeping the lines open when you are able to talk and then after he gets back, that's a good start. I can't say how it will be when he gets back but there always seems to be a newness to things when they return. Obi-Wan and I always fell back into step with each other right away but there were moments of weirdness at getting used to being around each other all the time again.

These are all normal thoughts you are having so keep expressing yourself and we'll be here to listen.

Bette said...

Slightly Salty's right -- these are normal concerns, and the fact that you're aware of them is half the battle. It's the people with no worries or doubts about changes who are blindsided during reintegration, when things aren't exactly the same.

That's what I tell myself when *I* worry, anyway. :-)

Post Tenebras Lux said...

I know I am changing, but I am hopeful that it will be a good thing, in the end. I, too, worry about all of the things you mentioned. But I have this feeling that I worried about them all last deployment too--and we came out of that one strong. Here's to that again, and for you guys, too. . . .

alternativearmywife said...

when mine was gone, I wrote this St. Vincent Millay quote in crayon on looseleaf and stuck it on my bedroom wall. Not entirely because I think it's true, but because THANK GOD I don't think it's true when he's around. I dunno, I can't explain it, I just like it.

"The longest absence is less perilous to love than the terrible trials of incessant proximity."

Tsoniki Crazy Bull said...

I'm thinking the same thing lately! I think being aware of it helps too.

And you have to know that he is probably thinking the same thing. Which in my mind means all is good. LOL

Butterfly Wife said...

Ditto what Slightly Salty said. Sounds like you are both committed to communicating openly while he is deployed. If you both make the same commitment when he returns home, you'll do good. You'll have a new normal. Just love your way through it.

loquita said...

Hopefully you feel better that everyone has chimed in with a "me too!" comment. This is me adding my own. :)