The ties that bind.

Family is always such an interesting entity. It always seems like such a unifying thing- we all have them and we all (mostly) love them (or most of them). They are the people you grew up with, the folks we spend holidays with, the ones who send us cards on our birthdays. But also? Holy crap... family doesn't always mean the same thing. And I have my marriage to thank for that nugget of wisdom.

Let me back up and give you a frame of reference: I am an only child... my "family" consists of my mom and dad, my grandparents (who have all passed on as of last year), my dad's sister and her husband and my mom's cousin and his wife and daughter- and they all live within 45 minutes of each other. Those are the folks we spend holdiays with, the ones I make a point to see when I am home, the ones who get Christmas cards... they are my family... all 7 of them. Swiss, on the other hand, has his two wonderful parents and is the youngest of six (6!!!). He has two kids and one of them is married with 3 kids and many of his siblings have spouses and kids of their own and they are scattered to the four winds. And if you are doing the math, thats like 17+. Basically, we have completely opposite families. It is nuts.

I think there are times, like right now, that positively boggle my mind when it comes to our families because I just cannot relate no matter how hard I try. I have no idea what it is like to have a sister or brother- that is a bond I just don't understand. I mean, I 'understand' it but I can't relate. I don't get it- but how could I? I have zero frame of reference. Swiss has been doing it his whole life. Also, there is the thing about kids. Swiss has (in case you didn't know) a kid of his own (Kid A) and an adopted kid (from his ex-wife and another random guy) who is 22 and has a family of his own. We don't have kids of our own, so there is this whole thing with his kids that I just don't get either. Most often, with his family, I feel like a little fish in a sea of very big, very confusing fish. Just call me Nemo.

Please don't get me wrong- I "get" it... the family thing. I understand that blood is thicker than water and that when you grow up with a brother by your side- you have a unique and strong bond. And I understand that it is in one's nature to help their kids in any way possible. But I don't know what it feels like to have a brother or a sister or a kid. I don't know what those bonds feel like and how the history you have with them colors (or clouds) your judgement. I just sort of view them as friends you are stuck with. Ha! That and my family tends to be pretty low-maintenance... not much drama, not many demands. Swiss's family, great as they are, don't quiet fit the low-maintenance bill.

Anyway, recently we've been faced with some family issues and it is so hard for me to know how, when, where, or if I should put my two cents in. I mean, I am sort of a part of this family... and all the decisions that effect Swiss effect me too... but still, they aren't MY family. A few of the issues have been financial- so I had NO problem butting in an tossing my 93 cents in... it is our money and I've added my hard earned cash to to coffers so I felt 100% justified in butting in. But it is the more subtle stuff- the whole spending a week of our vacation time and money to go visit family that couldn't even take a weekend off to come to our wedding (or send a card, or RSVP or well, anything). People who don't send us Christmas cards or call to see how Swiss is doing. People who, seemingly, never cared that Swiss was deployed to a war zone for a year.

Swiss does most of the heavy lifting in his family relationships and this is where I start to struggle. Maybe I am too tit-for-tat about it all. Maybe the rules are different for family (I strongly suspect they are). And maybe all it boils down to is that I don't get it because I'm not a mom, I'm not a sister (Unless you count the Beth and her sisters- they adopted me last summer- do you think that counts? Yeah- me neither.), I don't know what it means to be a sibling. So maybe my view on this is just all wrong.

But still, I can't help but wonder what the rules are for extended families. And how do I assert my opinions on family matters (even though I can't relate) when they directly effect us? And how do I do it without coming across like a callous, uncaring bitch? More importantly- when someone on your husband's side of the family drives you bananas with their spectacular displays of stupidity- how do you manage staying in their house for 4 days? 'Cause I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to pull that one off.

Vet bennies and reason #352 why Wisconsin is awesome.

First things first, this blog post is brought to you by my uber-cool, super smart best friend Beth. She passed this article my way and I just had to post it for y'all. So say it with me, Thanks Beth!!!

Did you know that the state of Wisconsin has its own GI Bill? Yep. It is a separate program from both federal programs (Montgomery and Post 9/11). How fabulous is that? I (admittedly) haven't done a TON of research, but I think WI is one of a very few states that have such a program . Which is awesomesacue. Go 'Sconnie! (Pleeeaaaase correct me in the comments if you are aware of other programs- I'd love to give those states a shout-out too!)

The official state line is this:

The Wisconsin G.I. Bill provides a full waiver (“remission”) of tuition and fees for eligible veterans and their dependents for up to 8 full-time semesters or 128 credits at any University of Wisconsin System (UWS) or Wisconsin Technical College System (WTCS) institution for continuing education, or for study at the undergraduate or graduate level.

But... the bad news is that in last year's budget, our Reps voted to (in effect) disallow this program by mandating Vets use the federal GI Bill (Post 9/11 type) and preventing them from "doubling" up on benefits. Bummer. Word is the move was a measure, among many, to cut the state budget and shamefully, it passed. HOWEVER, this year? They are making amends. There is currently a bill in the state Legislature that would reopen this state benefit to all Veterans.

The best things is that, if a Vet in the state of Wisconsin was a) motivated and b) street-wise, they could stand to get a Bachelors (or Associates, etc) degree PLUS 2-4 years of post-Bacheloriate education. That is a Master's degree, folks. That could even be a PhD degree. Or a Professional Certificate program. FOR FREE. (Color me envious because that stuff is Eeeeexspensive!) In total, it would be 16 semesters of schooling paid for. Awesomesacue. Talk about the cherry on top of the Post 9/11 GI Bill cupcake.

In my mind, this is HUGE. And I, for one, am super proud to be from a state that puts this much pride, hope and trust in the potential of their Veterans. Beth and I have discussed numerous times that there have been a ton of studies showing that Vets are (on average) much more productive with the degrees they get post service in the armed forces (if I can get some citations for this, I will). I am so impressed that Wisconsin recognizes this and is willing to pony up the money (which is still a contentious issue) to help our Vets take advantage of the myriad of educational opportunities and degrees out there. Hooray!

And, as Swiss and I are finding out, a Bachelor's doesn't always assure you a good paying job in your field of choice. In many, many fields advanced degrees are the norm, the standard and the expectation. This program allows our Vets to go on and get these additional degrees without worry of financial burdens and tuition bills... and more importantly get the appropriate degrees necessary to hit the ground running after their time in service. I can't say enough how fabulous this is... give non-traditional students like our Vets a leg up is time and money well spent, not to mention a more than appropriate way to say Thank You for your service. So HOORAY WISCONSIN!

Now, let's get this bill passed! And here's another idea: Talk to you state Reps and see what you and your fellow MilFolk can do to get a program like this implemented in your state. THAT would be something to be proud of!

(cross posted at LeftFace!)

Well, hello there!

Yes, I have been cheating. Photos do not really count as blog posts... this I know! And this is me doing better! Aren't you proud of me??? Okay. Fair enough. Nothing to be proud of here... but I digress...

So right now I am watching my 2nd consecutive hour of the Life series on the Discovery Channel. It is AWESOMESAUCE to the third. This stuff totally reminds me how much I love science and biology and ecology and all that super great stuff I learned in college. If you haven't been watching it, DO! If only because the filming is beyond incredible and you learn lots of stuff watching it. LEARNING FROM WATCHING TV? Sign me up! There are so many amazing things on this planet and so, so, SO many things I never learned about in 4 years of intensive study that are showcased on this show- I can't recommend it enough. Sundays 7-9pm Central on Discovery. Watch!

Anyway, today the hubs and I took the pup to a state park about an hour from post... we walked A LOT and saw some pretty amazing things... yuccas in bloom and wildflowers and waterfalls in the middle of nowhere. I'm really enjoying our exploring of this new home state of ours. And how awesome is this shot of Swiss and Fletcher? I couldn't have posed it this great if I had tried. It was great to get out of the house (something we've been less than good at) and get us some nature, let the dog wear himself out and just BE together. Gosh, I am using the Caps Lock a ton. Sorry. Okay- focus: The hiking was good for us, good for the dog and we had a great time. I really, really think we need to do more of this stuff- getting out and doing things togeher. I won't lie... the TV and the computers are sort of the other people in our marriage and it was great to leave them behind for a while. Plus the people you meet hiking are ridiculously nice and friendly and a puppy wearing a pack (like this Ruffwear one, it is fantabulous!) is sure to garner plenty of comments and laughter. I'm thinking there will be a lot more hiking in our future.. and I'm pretty darned stoked about it! (Side Bonus: Hike 5 miles and you are sure to have a blessedly tuckered out dog, as Cesar says: A tired dog is a good dog. We have a VERY good dog right now.)

In other news... Swiss has done a ton of really great work on his resume and applications and has gotten no less than 6 glowing references from all sorts of ridiculously Hooah types, plus a few specific jobs tossed his way. Again, awesomesacue. Can I tell you how much lighter the mood is in the house? We are stoked and happy and excited and feeling totally prepared for all the job hunting ahead of us. Today he applied for a ROTC post someplace 83 kids of awesome and soon his application for a schmancy security position with 40+ locations (about 12 of which I would be GIDDY over). I've got my application ready to go and a few positions of my own scoped out. I'm hopeful because there are at least 4 cities at the moment with job openings for both of us. We are cautiously optimistic and starting to get excited about what the future holds for us post-Army. It is way less scary now and much more anxious hope.

But otherwise, things have been quiet here. The ball was fun- pretty much a dressed up Frat party with a lot of bling (I'm totally going to brag here: My husband was the most decorated soldier there... he had more ribbons than ANYONE and looked like a ridiculously hot badass. Swoon!). We met some great couples and Swiss was very happy that the spouses I clicked with were attached to awesome soldiers. Ha! The food was decent, the wine was tasty but overpriced, the music was terrible and only one guy got hauled out for being insanely drunk. All in all, it was a good time. Though I get a huge FAIL for the abominably low number of photographs I took and the fact that I only got that one blurry head shot of the two of us. Sorry.

Okay- I'm off to snuggle up with the husband and watch River Monsters... a total guilty pleasure and chock full of adventure and culture and scientific awesomeness. I am SUCH A NERD. But a nerd with a cold Heineken, a comfy sofa and a studly husband waiting on her... peace out bean sprouts!

weirdos.

weirdos., originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

And we weren't even drunk... though my dress was. There's a looooong story there, but I'll save that for another day!

Finger guns & fruit salad.

Finger guns & fruit salad., originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

car!

car!, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

And the Bel-Wah shot is just for you Beth!

Where bars outnumber grocery stores.

What is this you ask? Why, it is a map of the US (clearly) showing the places in this great country where bars outnumber grocery stores- America's Beer Belly if you will (found here by my most awesome best friend Beth- Holla!).

See that giant red mass in the upper midwest? Yep- THAT is why (in part) I have so much midwestern pride... 'cause we do it right and we love us some beer. And brats and A LOT of cheese. I can proudly say that I come from the land where bars outnumber grocery stores. That is awesomesauce. And here's the best quote from the blog (floatingsheep) that came up with this little gem:

"Starting in Illinois, the beer belly expands up into Wisconsin and first spreads westward through Iowa/Minnesota and then engulfs Nebraska, and the Dakotas before petering out (like a pair of love handles) in Wyoming and Montana."

Now tell me you aren't wishing you were one of us... and that you aren't now thirsty for a big, cold mug of tasty, tasty beer. Mmm hmmmm.... that's what I thought: You can't.

Ninjas live here.

Yes, you heard me right: Ninjas have invaded our home.

Reintegration Ninjas to be more precise.

Ah, that makes it seem really bad and it isn't. Its more the idea that they jump out and get you when you least expect it- they are stealthy like that. We haven't struggled with big things, we are doing pretty well (considering we never really got to live together before he deployed) and thankfully we are talkers so we are working things out like proper adults and nipping them in the bud before they become full blown problems. Hooray for us! But I digress... back to the Ninjas.

I find that these Ninjas of ours like to be general pests rather than wage all out warfare on our household. I suppose that is the better end of the bargain as far as Ninjas go, am I right? I find Swiss and I bickering over silly little things like dishes and laundry and his (sometimes) endearing inability to use the giant hamper in our room and the fact that he unceremoniously took over my side of the bed when he returned home and I still haven't gotten it back. Oh yes, getting used to the fact that my husband does have hearing loss and I have to repeat myself A LOT. And the Ninjas get me all angsty over doing ALL the household tasks and then realizing that I shouldn't/can't and then stress out over exactly which tasks to give back to the hubs. I mean, really, how ridiculous is that? Im guessing you are seeing the theme here... all the stuff I had to do when he was gone, all the things you forget when they are away, all the stuff that was normal during the deployment that no longer fits into life. That's a broken record in MilSpouse Land if I've ever heard one, no?

I've been successful in handing over bill paying and a few other small tasks. But seeing as how I'm not working that is enough for now. Our biggest challenge is the job hunting/resume writing/application process. I'll admit that it has both of us stressed out- some more than others (wink, wink). It is testing our patience with each other and helping us "rediscover" our unique coping techniques and plans of action. Was that sugar coated enough for you?

Suffice it to say, we cope with our stresses in different ways and we approach "help" (ie: references, contacts, using whatever contacts you have to get yerself a J.O.B.) about as differently as you can imagine. I'm betting even odds that this is 100% related to the fact that he's the military one in the family. But I digress. It's been a process and a mostly smooth one. But don't let anyone fool you--- EVERYONE goes through some sort of wonky reintegration weirdness.

I think the thing I find most amazing is how much you 'forget' about your spouse when they are gone for a year. Of course you remember the big things, the funny things, the endearingly quirky things... but its the little stuff that doesn't have the strong foothold in your brain... that is the stuff (at least for us) that tends to pop up and rough up the seas on the USS Reintegration. You forget how he deals with minor stress, you forget how he is particular about how he folds his jeans, you forget about the little things and I find that I tend to steam-roll over these quirks because I'm not used to them.

My prevailing wisdom as of late has been, "Why don't we just do it my way?"...as I think to myself "Because it sure worked for me when you weren't here!" I know that isn't fair and it is totally unreasonable, and it is on me to open up to the idea that my way isn't the only way. And you know what? IT IS HARD!!! I am certain that he is doing his best to not treat me like a soldier (despite the occasional lapses) and he has done a great job falling into step with the natural order of things at home. Mostly, it has been a challenge to make our life OURS again. For so long it was mine and his... separately... and then I PCS'd and this home became mine... not ours. But you know what? It is feeling more and more like OURS every day.

Anyway, I suppose there isn't a big, grand point to make... just that all of this is exasperating and rewarding and totally par for the course in this military life. I won't lie when I say I'm looking forward to never having to do this again and forever banishing the Ninjas from our house!

Bracket Buster Bob.

TOMORROW! WOOT!!!! It starts... the hoops, the dreams, the Cinderella teams, the mascots, the MADNESS! Oh sweet, sweet March Madness. You are, by far, my most favoritest sporting event ever. I mean, really- what tops this? (IMHO BTW the awesomesauceness of the Olympics and World Cup are artificially inflated because they are only contested every 4 years. NOT FAIR.) Anything that tops the Sports Sundae with a cherry like Luther Vandross and a stirring sports montage One Shining Moment (Note that I chose the 2008 version. Why? Because my favorite team Kansas won that year... Rock Chalk folks!) always wins Best in Show.

Anyway, soon it will be time for our favorite obscure family member, known as Bracket Buster Bob (which is usually my father calling to goad me about some ridiculous upset or out of the blue win in a funny voice that always reduces me to giggles), to make his appearance. This year, the Tucker and Swiss household will be holding our own little bracket challenge. It is Swiss's first. Yep. He's a bracket virgin. Can you believe it? Anywhoodles, our rules are these: One point per correct winner with a bonus 5 point bump for picking the overall Champion. Keepin' it simple. To the winner go the spoils of a year's worth of bragging and telling everyone we know who is the Sports Boss in the house. (Side bet of $10 on me FTW. Anyone taking?)

Here are our brackets... feel free to chortle, snicker, point and laugh or applaud at your own discretion.
Swiss: The Virginal Bracket.

Tucker: The Bracket of Truth.

Just promise me this, Dear Readers: Don't be that Bracket Guy.  You know, the one who enters 13 brackets into the office pool that would normally only have 28 brackets in it? Pick one. Maybe two. But just don't be THAT GUY. No one likes him anyway.

Now, LET THE MADNESS BEGIN! Cinderella is all ready for the Ball... are you?



PS Update: My cousin's son Jackson is doing much better. He isn't out of the woods and is stilL intubated and on dialysis- but his condition is improving and we are all super grateful. Thanks for the good juju everyone!

Odds and ends.

First things first: Please send as much good karma, juju, prayers whatever your flavor to my cousin's son Jackson. He was flown to a major hospital last night via Flight For Life and is battling the most virulent strain of E. Coli... the infection has started kidney failure and he is on dialysis struggling to breathe. He's a fighter, but we could use all the help we can get. 

Second, and on a much lighter note, we've truly started the job/place to live/starting over hunt. I giggled last night when Swiss was looking at a job that had about 30 different locations to choose from. My method to narrow them down? Basketball teams. Yep, I made a JV team, a Varsity team, and a starting 5. No kidding. Even a 6th man. I'll chalk it up to the March Madness we've been immersing ourself in. The exciting thing? Of the starting 5, 3 of them have jobs for me too. That is promising! Also, the housing market is so insane that some of the cities (ie: Chicago) that would previously have been too expensive are now well within our budget. That is madness. Anyway, things are getting exciting now!

Also, I'm totally digging on the good weather here... it has been sunny and warm (70's) the last few days and holy crap it is SO much nicer than the snow I'd be knee deep in Minnesota. The grass is green and growing (we had to mow it this weekend! In March!) and the trees are budding and blooming. Spring is here and I couldn't be happier!

Ooh, and we got a super stellar text message  from P (for you new readers, that is Swiss' ex-wife) last night at about 11:30... three cheers for drunken texting! I mean, really lady? Really? Gah. The last year plus without those has been awesome. I totally forgot how ridiculous and annoying they are and (being totally honest) FUCKING MAD they make me. I mean, the woman throws out insults and cheap shots about parenting and the only reason she is keeping Kid A for is the child support check every month. And yes, she has admitted that- out loud- before. Lest I rant on for ages, I just wish she'd grow the heck up and act like an adult or get hit by a bus. There are plenty of divorced parents who manage to act civilly. Why'd we end up with the batshitcrazyinsane one? That must be some mighty gnarly karma.

But in other news, Fletcher and Swiss have totally bonded and the pup is starting to act 'normal' (at least for him) again. Praise the Lord. We are doing well, reintegration has been *relatively* painless and Swiss' job has a ton of flexibility for us and him to get ready for retirement. All I'm missing from home are my 'rents and friends. I realized the other day just how insular our life is here. We don't know many people and few of the ones we do are the type we'd choose to hang out with outside of work. We had one fellow over for basketball watching last night and it was really nice to have company. It made me really miss Beth and Val. I miss the girl talk and the hanging out. I miss the familiarity and understanding only years of friendship can cultivate. I miss my peeps.

But otherwise all is well here. The ball is in a week and a half, Swiss starts his online courses this week and I am well, cooking and cleaning. SAHW-hood is weird. We are off to take the puppy on a walk and enjoy the good weather. Hope you all have a stellar Sunday and thanks for listening to the rambling. Pray for Jackson too please!

Dressy.

I found one! Here she be... and best yet Only $115 at the Outlet Mall. Hooah!

If you can't tell, it is a dark peacock-tealish color. It's pretty simple but the jewelly things on the front and the rusching (sp?) on the back is surprisingly flattering. So yay! It's done! And since I saved so much on the dress? New shoes here I come!

A PSA for your lady bits.

We now interrupt the regularly scheduled bitching and posting for an important Public Service Announcement about your Lady Parts.

WAIT! Don't get nervous- it isn't pervy! I promise! Really, really, PLEASE just take a minute to read this because it is incredibly important for you, your daughters, your friends, your family members and every woman you know. Did I convince you to keep reading? Okay- Great! Let's get started!!!

I am a trained Cytotechnologist, which in a nutshell means I look at Pap Smears (amongst other things) through microscopes to diagnose infections, dysplasia and cancer. So I'm not making this stuff up... this is a truly qualified position I am taking and I have spent years learning, researching, studying and seeing this stuff every day. It is SUPER important and nothing to be taken lightly.

With that said, here are the 4 most important things I can tell you about your Lady Part Health:

1.) Get your annual Pap Smear (unless you've had 3 negatives in a row, in which case you can get one every 3 years barring no changes in sexual partners - or your partner's partners- or other health concerns, but don't take my word for it, consult with your doctor). I know it isn't fun to be all spread eagle in the stirrups and the speculum and the general awkwardness of it all- but this is one of the VERY few tests out there that can detect pre-cancerous cells, and we all know early detection is key in treating anything. It is easy, always covered by your insurance and has the ability to save a lot of drama, fear and uncomfortable/invasive procedures in the long run.

2.) Get the HPV Vaccination. It's pharmaceutical name is Gardasil and it is a quadravalent (4) vaccine administered 3 times at specific intervals. If you are over the age of 26 (which most of us are) it won't work for you (Why? Because likely you have already been exposed to at least one form of the HPV virus so it is not effective anymore)... but please, please consider getting it for your daughters (any time after the age of 9, but it must be before the onset of sexual activity). I know that there are some moral/religious/sex ed issues but hear me out:

This vaccine guards against four types of the (very common) HPV virus. The two most common types (6 and 11) are responsible for what are commonly known as genital warts and result in low-grade cervical dysplasia diagnoses on pap smears. These infections usually clear on their own with age, but since the methods of transmission of these viruses aren't 100% known, you can never be too safe. More importantly, the two high risk types (16 and 18) are almost always responsible for the development of cervical cancer and manifests itself early in the form of moderate and severe dysplasia on pap smears. You read that right: IT IS A VACCINE THAT PREVENTS CANCER. That, my friends, is an incredibly big deal. If you keep only this fact in mind, I hope it will be enough to convince you to vaccinate your daughters.

I understand that there are fears that having this vaccine will encourage girls to have unprotected sex and that giving what is essentially a STD vaccine is only embracing and potentially condoning sexuality at an early age (since the vaccine is generally recommended around ages 9-12). I maintain that if you teach your children well, discuss the benefits of abstinence, sex with protection, waiting until you are in a serious relationship- whatever your flavor of sex ed might be-  this vaccine will do nothing to erode your teachings. And more importantly, should your child choose to go against what you taught her, she will be protected from a potentially deadly infection. Whatever your moral take is on teen sex, sex before marriage, etc... I hope your stand on preventing cancer is stronger.

3.) Protect yourself! Use condoms. Don't have sex with strangers. And oral sex won't prevent you from getting this either! Men are common carriers (that makes them sound so dirty, doesn't it?) and do not often experience the same manifestations of acquiring this virus. This means you likely won't know if a man has HPV as there are no outward symptoms for most. So never, ever, ever take chances and ALWAYS use protection.

4.) Follow up. Seriously folks. If you get an abnormal result on your pap smear there are 2 things you must do. First, don't feel bad or ashamed or anything else silly like that. Like I said, transmittal of this disease is still largely misunderstood. It is common and treatable and doesn't have to be a big ordeal. Second, an of the upmost importance. If you get an abnormal result, stick to the follow-up regimen your Doctor prescribes. Sometimes these are repeat Paps in 6 months, sometimes they are biopsies, sometimes they are bigger procedures. DO NOT SKIP THESE. Seriously.

As Cytotechnologists and Pathologists, we rely on these follow up tests to monitor the progression or recession of the disease. HPV infections generally worsen in very predictable ways, if you do your part of the follow up, the chances are high that the disease won't get so bad that it requires radical medical treatment (chemotherapy, etc). Hysterectomies are common when the disease progresses (either to cancer or the severest precancerous lesions), but look at it this way. As hard as it is to give up that part of you, there are so, so, so many cancer patients that can't live without the diseased organ (lung, liver, bladder, etc.) and must suffer as the disease continues to grow. Being able to remove the organ in question will rid one of years of invasive follow up tests and continual worry.


I know we are all super, uber aware of the other gender specific cancers out there- particularly breast cancer, but I encourage you all to keep your lady bits in mind when being pro-active about your health. At the risk of getting to graphic on y'all, if ANYTHING abnormal starts going on down there? Go visit your Gynecologist and get it checked out. Post Haste. Abnormal bleeding especially. It isn't anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about. It is your body telling you, "HEY! Get me checked out! Something isn't right!"

So, with that, I endeth my Public Service Announcement regarding your Girl Parts. Please feel free to e-mail me if you have any specific questions about this- I'd be glad to share any knowledge I have or direct you to some great resources! (tuckerandswiss at yahoo dot com) Now, go get your Paps taken care of Ladies!

But I don't wanna!!!!

Oh the ball. The unit ball.

We SO weren't going to go. Decision made, moving on. No schmancy dresses, no forced fun with people we don't know, no awkward conversations with folks more interested in Harley-Davidsons than ANYTHING else. Phew!

And then today I got the call. We are going to the ball. He even gave me the Party line about it all when I asked him, in my best 8 year old tone, but whhhhhhhhy?

So here I go, with less than 2 weeks to find a formal dress in a town that has only a GAP and a Dillard's (of which you KNOW half the other women going are shopping at, am I right?). So online shopping I go. And here is where I need your help, faithful readers, what is my general goal here? Here are my questions:
-Is floor length a must?
-How glitzy do I go?
-Color? Black? What DOES go with that odd shade of Army green?
-And most importantly- I need your tips on how to get through this without needing counseling and/or copious amounts of wine?

Okay- so wish me luck and send your good shopping karma to the Online Shopping Gods with my name attached!

Blog mortality?

The end is near my friends... Swiss and I are job hunting and looking at places to live and sort of getting on with the process of no longer being beholden to the Army. This military life of ours has an expiration date and it isn't all that far away... it makes me wonder what will happen to this wee blog of mine. Will I keep it? Will anyone still read it once it becomes the ramblings of a non-military life? Will I still have a voice I want to share once I'm not a part of the great wide Military family? Or will I always be a part of that family? Do I really want to be just a normal blogger? *sigh* There's something powerful and special about being a MilSpouse blogger... there's a special niche and wonderful people who populate it. You feel like you are a part of something unique. And like you have a voice worthy of being heard...

But I can't help but wonder, is it once a MilSpouse, always a MilSpouse? Or do you get kicked out of the club when the retirement papers are served? I just don't know...

I do have blogger friends who have left the military and keep on blogging... but I universally think these women are 182 times cooler than me and have lives that totally warrant sharing them with the world (I am looking at you Amy!). Me? I don't know. I don't know what life holds for us, I don't know if it will be worth sharing, I don't know if it will be interesting or funny or if anyone will care. I don't know if I will even want to. Mostly, it is the idea of losing what this blog has given me makes me all melancholy.

I started this blog about six months before Swiss left for the Sandbox. At the time I was an Army newbie, still desperately trying to find my way. I was a fiancee then, trying to plan a wedding and cope with a PCS and looming deployment and utterly terrified that my perfect life would never come to fruition because of a war on the other side of the world, a war I didn't agree with. I was scared and naieve and unsure of myself in this new role. And I didn't know who to turn to. So I started blogging, mostly as an outlet for my fears and concerns and questions. Not because I thought anyone would read.

But somewhere along the line it turned into something I never anticipated- a lifeline to support, understanding, cameraderie, and lasting friendships. I found people who just got it, plain and simple. I found compassion and kindness, humor and bouyancy, wit, intellengence, charm, strength. I found an open seat in a lifeboat, full of women who had been where I was, or were currently there with me. I found what would eventually be what get me through this deployment. I found you all. And you know what else? I found my voice. I found on outlet for the things I wanted to say, and in you all I had an audience- a fabulous audience.

There are too many of you to list, but you absolutely know who you are. I love you and cherish you and am beyond grateful to you. Because were it not for you, I cannot fathom how I would have made it through this. I shudder to think what would have become of me if left to my own devices... not to be melodramatic, but you all kept me sane. Swiss and I both thank you!

This blog gave me a voice that I wasn't always comfortable sharing in person. Don't ask why, because I don't have an answer. But sometimes saying these things aloud was too hard, too uncomfortable, to difficult to explain. Being able to write it all down let me tell the most important people in my life (Beth, Val, Em, Shari, Mom...) what was going on in my head and process it in their own time... it let them know that even though I seemed okay, I wasn't always okay. But this blog let me explain myself. It let them into my head without having to find the right words immediately or ask questions they weren't sure they could. For that I am grateful. For these friends I am grateful.

So it is with trepidation that I (we) saunter up to the place in our life where we are no longer inextricably linked to the Armed Forces. Deployments will be a thing of the past. There will be no FRG drama, no phone trees, no MPs at the gate, no tales of bad phone lines or care packages gone wrong. There won't be tales from the front, anticipatory grief, unconsolable fear. I certainly won't miss any of those things, but I will miss belonging to the one thing that links us all together. I will miss being a part of this community. I will miss being counted amongst you--- you all are a group I have been so very proud to be a part of.

I wonder, if when we are just 'normal' civilians again, if you all will read. Will you read because we've formed a bond, a friendship? Or will you stop, eventually, inevetably, because our life will no longer bear any resemblance to yours? I don't know the answer to this. I wish I did. I just know that I don't want to fade away and not be, at least on the fringes, a part of this amazing community I was so fortunate to tap into. I still want to be one of you all, even when I'm not.

Oscar special.

Isn't that all Self Important of me?


So remember that rant I made a while back about how Hollywood always (almost) gets it wrong with war/Veteran movies? I still think all that jazz is true. But with all the hullabaloo about The Hurt Locker and Oscar buzz and by the more famous MilFolk (here and here) and everyone who has ever  even BEEN to Iraq weighing in... I thought I would throw in my two completely unqualified cents (you know, seeing as how I've never been to war or Iraq... see? I told you: Self Important!).

I read an interview with Jeremy Renner (the 'star' in the movie) the other day and it struck me as pretty accurate and reasonable. Amidst everyone shouting about how inaccurate it is... the ACU's instead of the DCU's that were standard issue at the time, the incorrect markings on trucks, the cries of "that isn't procedure!" (Bwahahaha!!! Yeah there have NEVER, in the history of this war, been soldiers who went against protocol and did stupid shit. PSAHW!), and "That wouldn't ever happen!" (again, PSHAW!)... Renner said this:

“It’s not an EOD documentary. It had to be as accurate as we could within a feature film. But I know some scenes my guys were saying ‘Dude, we taught you better than that.' ... I hope that they just roll their eyes at the Hollywood stuff, let that be what it is. But if it helps bridge the gap between these guys and civilians, helps show some of what they’re going through … I think there’s a lot of friction and ability to be able to communicate one’s life-and-death experiences. If even there’s a fraction of truth that they can use with their family or friends to help show that, then that’s amazing. ... The guys at Fort Irwin all pointed to one guy who would literally walk up to an IED downrange and kick it, and figure if it didn’t go off he won. That’s how he dealt with it. But that’s not standard military protocol."

Hmm. I think that is a fair point. Again, as someone who has never been there, I didn't watch the film with the mindset that this was some sort of action-thriller/documentary. Heck no. And I will fully admit that I would't know one way or another if the EOD techniques were sound or not (though I did notice the ACU thing, and it didn't really bother me)... I'm no military expert. But I feel like we all have to remember that it is and always will be, at the end of the day, a Hollywood Money-Maker.

Hell, I don't watch CSI: New Hampshire of NCIS: Tacoma or Bones or Grey's Anatomy and holler about how lab results ALWAYS take longer than that get snippy because that equipment was all wrong and how that diagnosis wouldn't come from a CT scan... THEY WOULD HAVE TO HAVE A PATHOLOGY REPORT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! I get it, it is a TV show and real lab work ain't that exciting... and you can't wrap up a tidy hour of television with the cast twiddling their thumbs for a week or 3 days waiting for results. Am I right? But have you noticed that many of the MilFolk reviews of this movie do JUST that?

The point is, I think the movie (KEY WORD ALERT!) represented the general gist of living life, as an EOD guy, in Iraq circa 2004 (I know, as if I have any clue). At the very least, it put me in the general mind-space of the handful of soldiers portrayed. The bigger picture? It put me in the streets of Iraq in the middle of a war my husband fought in (this point, incidentally, is agreed upon by most Vets and is the word on the streets- the settings are spot on). It gave me a dose of perspective, a sliver of insight, a glimpse into what it might have been like for him. And that is more than any other Iraq war movie has done for me. A lot more.

Perhaps, in light of all the other crappy movies about this war (see: StopLoss, Brothers, etc), this is really quite a feat. Maybe this is simply a good first step. And maybe, just maybe, that is pretty damned good for a commercialized, for-the-masses, Hollywood Blockbuster.

A film professor (David McKenna, a film professor at Columbia University, via here) said this of the movie:  "Hurt Locker isn't as much about Iraq as it is about one soldier's addiction to war. It's a character study, an exploration of courage, bravado and leadership told through "a series of suspenseful situations. I suppose it could have just as easily been set in outer space." And I think that is the bigger point here (at least for me, as a non-Iraq veteran). This movie's draw, its interest, it's redeeming qualities lie not in the bombs or the tactical accuracies or the uniforms, it lies in the depiction of soldiers... as complicated people, struggling to deal with their day-to-day experiences, job requirements, and at-home issues. NOT as batshitcrazyinsane PSTD addled guys about ready to fly off the handle (see: Brothers, etc.).

For me, it was about the human experience of war... not wether or not the Bradleys are marked right. And best of all, it gave me a better understanding- even if only superficially- of what that experience was like for any given soldier. For a movie like that to be in the running for an Oscar? I'll call that a good thing any day of the week.

Have any of you watched this movie? What are your thoughts? 
(And PS: here is a link to another article about this, much better written IMHO!)

Reminders.

Last week my parents, Swiss and I went over to the on-post bowling alley for a little friendly competition (the bowling is a weird tradition that somehow grew out of my Mom goading Swiss about how she could kick his butt bowling... now we do it every time we are together). There was a birthday party for a sweet little girl in the 3 lanes next to us- it was chock full of the prototypical young military families all laughing and bowling (badly, just like us) and celebrating. But amongst the couples and the kids... there was a young man. He looked to be in his early twenties, fresh faced, clean cut in perfect military style... his manner was quiet and easy, he was good with the kids... but he wasn't bowling.

I thought nothing of it.

Then I saw him turn around. Splitting the dark hairs of his high and tight were two massive scars. One, a wide path running from the base of his neck, along his spine, up to the middle of his scull. The other was a crescent shaped scar standing out like a sliver of the moon against a field of dark brown.

I didn't pity him, he seemed to be doing fine. Out with friends, an otherwise normal young man, still in the Army, still living his life. He moved without any other indications of permanent damage and while quiet, he had an unmistakable confidence about him. But... those scars. Those were awfully big scars for a man so young. My heart sank.

It made me think back to the times that Swiss and I would be out on post... at the Shopette, Food Court, the Commissary... when you would see the men with the scars. The physical manifestations of whatever horrors they saw in combat... their lasting reminders of this war, this career, the marks that will always stay with them. Maybe you have seen them too- maybe not- living on post, I suppose, make these encounters all the more common. I remember the man in the Food Court last summer with most of the left side of his face caved in, probably 10 surgeries in to the 20 that it will take the plastic surgeon to try and make it look normal again. The man too young to be limping and walking with a cane coming out of the Shopette with a case of beer in the other hand. The burns. The scars. The eye patches. The men who you can't help but notice, but don't want to stare at... the ones who don't act ashamed (nor should they) but who clearly have so much more to cope with, deal with, face every morning when they look in the mirror.

I don't want to be all maudlin about this and I don't want to come off as melodramatic. But I look at Swiss, the bullet hole an Iraqi insurgent put in his calf... his own lasting reminder of this war, and wonder. Just the other day I caught myself staring at the bright white dot, encircled with dark, purplish skin and the oddly smooth texture of it... and I couldn't help but think of how different it all could have been if that bullet was a few inches higher, if there had been more than one, if the insurgent had been closer. Would he have that leg? Would he be able to go out and run and chase the dog and be the vibrant, active man I know? He was a lucky one.

It all makes me feel foolish for the trials and tribulations I 'dealt' with as a twenty-something. The "dramas" and "issues" I had to cope with while in my youth... where not getting a class or a phone call by a guy or office politics were the major trials in my life. I didn't have to worry about what someone of the opposite sex would think of my burns or amputated leg. I never had to worry about sidelong glances at my scars. I can't fathom having to deal with those things, on top of the horrors of war, of facing your own mortality, or the prospect of living the rest of your life knowing it will be colored by this war and the wounds you bear. I can't fathom it.

I don't have some grand point to make, nor do I have an agenda to push in regards to this... I guess I just wanted to remind all of us, for it is easy to forget when you don't see it. I wanted to remind us that there is a cost to this war... not paid in money, oil or body counts. Some of these debts are less obvious... paid in forever altered lifestyles and appearances...  paid with limbs and youth and innocence. It is paid, bit by bit, every day by those who served, those who were injured, those who will never be the same.

Wreck this Journal... and odds 'n ends.

So yes, there has been a lot going on at Casa de Tucker and Swiss. My parents have been in town and Swiss has been on a shortened work schedule so that hasn't left a lot of time for blogging. We did travel around the state a lot... found an awesomely remote and delicious winery, a sweet brewery and visited my Grandparent's old home. But fear not dear readers! I am back!!!

What is new you ask? Well, besides being up to our eyeballs in retirement briefings, not much. I have enough fodder from these briefings to last like 12 posts... but that is for another time. Reintegration is going well... I am getting used to having less free time, less control of the remote, and sharing the bed again... and not having this always just so... but having Swiss around and not being married to my cell phone is TOTALLY worth it. We are learning how to 'fight' again... you know, navigate the normal (for us) ways we discuss things and disagree and reconcile. But it is going well and thankfully we are both being pretty patient with one another. All in all? Life is good.

I've also decided that I need to take this year off of work and DO something with it. Not in the find a job way. In the take the opportunity to change/improve/learn things way. So I'm doing the Pear 365 thing with Brit to force me to work on my photography skills. I researched and found a little old lady teaching art classes in a town not too far away and I am going to take some painting lessons from her. And I bought this book: Wreck this Journal, by Keri Smith. I started yesterday and it is FUN! The 'assignments' are random and wacky and odd, but even one day in it has done a great job liberating me from my normal stodgy artistic constraints. Hooray for that! I figured I would document the cool, odd, quirky things that pop up along the way... maybe seeing them will inspire you to check out the book and give it a shot!

Anyway, that is all for now. I'm off to order text books for the hub's last class (he's finishing up his degree in the little time we have left in the Army) and doodle in my book! Happy Wednesday!

First assignment: Draw circles. Second: Doodle over the instructions.

Pimping out mah new blog.

Oh goodness... the new blog! I am totally going to pimp out my new bloggy project with my best blogger friend Brittany of My Army Wife Life fame to you all. Shameless pimping! Go check out our project 365 blog Pear 365! (Get it? Pear? Pair!)

Britt and I are both going to post a photo a day for a year and it is going to be fun! So go check it out and be sure to give us some feedback about our photos! Thus endeth the pimping!

Carry on and enjoy your week!

Sorry!

Hey everyone! So sorry for the lack of posting lately- my family has been in town and Swiss has had a few days off so needless to say I haven't been as cozy with my computer as I usually am. I will have loads to write about when things settle back down... so stay tuned and thanks for hanging in there with me through this whole readjustment period! Y'all rock! *muwah!*

Valentine's and a 5K.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!

Today Swiss and I went to the Big City and ran my first 5K. You know what??? That wasn't as scary or hard or bad as I thought it would be! And I even finished 5 minutes faster than my goal time. Now, I'm no Usain Bolt so don't go laughing when I post my time... but I finished in 35 minutes and a few seconds!!! And I ran the entire first mile! HOORAY! I ran this race before I finished the whole Couch to 5K program (I was only in the middle of week 5) so I know I can most certainly improve. Plus it was actually sort of fun!

And you know what else? I BURNED two girls who looked pretty fit right at the end of the race... and that felt 18 shades of awesome! So yes, I had a lot of fun and will most def do it again. I am digging how much I tap into my competitive reserves and I'll totally admit that Swiss is an awesome running partner. So more training here I come- and who knows when and where our next race will be!

Hope you all have a super day and remember that EVERY day should be Valentine's Day! :) *muwah!*

Oh Olympics... how I love thee.

I won't lie- the Tucker and Swiss household is ALL kinds of fired up for the Olympics this winter. There's just something about the wholesomeness of it all; the genuine emotions, the unity, the pride, the celebrations, the unbridled enthusiasm and human experience that makes me feel all warm and gushy about the state of our world and human kind... a pleasant change from the usual sturm und drang.

Anyway, yes, I just wanted to get on here and let the world know that I am STOKED for the Olympics to start. This gal loves her some sports montages set to stirring musical scores... I will even admit to you that a good montage will get me misty (don't even get me started on One Shining Moment). So bring on the Opening Ceremonies, the exuberance, the stories, the glory and the best stage in all of sports. I'm ready to lap it all up...

Oh, and one last thing: Don't forget to give a shout out to our Service men and women who are also Olympians--- Hooah and Oorah!!! Go get 'em!

Foodie goodness.

So, the huge plus (among the many plusses) to being a SAHW is that I get to really cook. I love cooking, but I loathed cooking for one and usually after a full day of work I only had the patience/time/energy/motivation to throw something haphazardly together. Not any more. I am totally getting to embrace my inner foodie and I love it! Also, I finally get to make great use of all the fantabulous kitchen goodies/gadgets we got for our wedding!

Just since Swiss has been home I've made Chicken rolls stuffed with feta, spinach, sun dried tomatoes and olives in a yummy tomato sauce. I've made Teriyaki (homemade marinade of course) pork tenderloin* with (again) homemade mango salsa*. And last night I made adobo chicken soft tacos with avocado salsa* and it was To. Die. For.

Tonight, shrimp. I'm sitting here pouring over my pile of food p*rn cookbooks and trying to decide what to make. Do I go asian? Caribbean? Garlicky? Spicy? And you know what? I love this. This is the stuff I never did before... and now that I have time for it? I am totally digging it. And so is Swiss.

Anyway, I've been super thrilled with the recipes I've found lately and all the ones with a * behind them are from this awesomesauce book: The Food You Crave by Ellie Krieger. Go buy it! It is full of healthy, low fat, flavorful and easy recipes that make me drool. Seriously, that avocado salsa? I thought Rich was going to leave me and marry it instead. It was THAT good.

I think I will make Red Shrimp and Mango Curry (can you tell the mangos at the commissary are fabulous now?) from the divine Ms. Nigella Lawson (recipe from Nigella Express) tonight... must get more limes and cilantro because we are going through them like nobody's business. Seriously, we are going through fresh produce left and right and I must say, the food is so much better and we eat so much healthier this way. And y'all are welcome for dinner any time!

Hellooooooo!

Well Hello Blog-o-sphere! Long time no talk!

So Swiss has been home for a hand full of days now, and I won't lie, so far it has been awesomesauce. I am relatively sure that there will be some reintegration stuff that will rear its head in the coming weeks, but right now we are sort of just basking in the glow of togetherness. Hello! My name is Sappy McRomanceCard. Sorry.

Anyway, we have tried to hit the ground running and tackle the things that lie ahead for us. The exciting news is that we got an approved retirement. Real Deal Holyfield approved. That means tons of briefings and appointments and videos and STUFF. And he also got an invitation from the Army to stay in another 3 years at a ROTC position. Of course that has our wheels turning and we are looking into it- who knows if it will even work out or if we will choose to do it. One never knows with us! And also? Leave it to the Army to tell you this stuff only AFTER your retirement paperwork is submitted and approved. Seriously.

But otherwise things are moving along well and I'm typing this on my shiny new MacBook Pro. I'll post pictures later! Swiss also got me a Bamboo Pen & Touch Tablet for my Birthday present and it is 84 shades of coolness. I get to doodle straight to my computer and it is so stinking fun! I will make up a doodle just for y'all and post it here so you can see how fantabulous it is!

But that is it on the news front here. Just popping in to say hello! I hope you are all doing well and Thanks for all the kind words you sent along with Swiss's return!

AWESOMESAUCE!!!

He is home!!!

Finally home... safe and sound, back where he belongs. Its been a long time coming, but this deployment is over and it feels spectacular.

Also? My husband is really HAWT! (Go me!)

Anyway, I fully intend to jump head-long in to hermit mode with Swiss for the next chunk of days... so I won't be around much til next week. I'm sure I will have loads to write about though! Right now, I'm just elated that it is over and he is home.

Thank you, dear readers and friends, from the bottom of my heart, for your support, humor, wit, friendship, wisdom and for just being there and getting it. I never could have imagined the kind of support I found here and for it I am eternally grateful. You all are amazing! *MUWAH!*

How to Leave a Soldier... your take:

So there was this letter, posted on salon.com... by a former MilSpouse, talking about the demise of her marriage in the face of being a military family. I personally would call it incendeary and self-serving and sad... and a missed opportunity, but I think you all should read it and throw in your two cents over at the other blog I write for: LeftFace. There has been a lot of great debate and talk about it and I'd love to see what y'all think about it too!

Go check it out!

Let's ruffle some feathers!

"Some people aren't cut out for this military lifestyle."

I've heard that statement, or a derivation thereof, a million times. And I'll likely hear it a million more. The thing is... I just don't get it. I don't buy it and I don't know that I ever will. But let me tell you why before you cite the girl(s) you know and the yadda, yadda, yadda- we all know that girl and we all have heard the horror stories. Swiss lived the horror story last deployment. I'm not contending that there aren't folks who "can't hack it". I'm contending that they are choosing not to hack it and not because they don't possess some special superpower the rest of us apparently have. (BTW- if the superpower thing is true, I want to know why I didn't get issued a cape when we got married.)

Here's my point: What we do isn't really anything special. We take what life and our spouse's employer and our own personal choices hand us and do our best. We act like grown ups and take responsibility, accountability, and we get pro-active. We choose to make it work- our marriages, our life, our careers, our situation, our families. We focus on the good. We act like adults. In some ways, it isn't any different than dealing with other personal circumstances... sick children, ill parent, losing a job, you name it... you choose do the best you can with the cards you are dealt because that is what adults do. You don't get a do over. You don't get to sit this one out. You don't get to say "I don't want to". It is your life and you put on your big girl panties and just DO IT. People do it all day, every day. And you don't hear people say "Some people just aren't cut out for having a sick kid" do you?

Of COURSE there are people who are, for lack of a better word, failures as MilSpouses. But it isn't because they aren't "cut out" for it. I don't even know that that means... is there a prototypical MilSpouse type? Not a chance. It takes all kinds and of the many MilSpouses I've met, the one thing that always strikes me is how gloriously different we all are, yet we all succeed and are united by the service of our families. These spouses who fail are what they are because somewhere along the line they chose to not deal with this life and make the best of it- they chose not to do whatever it took to make it work. They chose to walk away, ignore it, rebel against it, defy it, and ultimately be selfish. They chose to give up.

Life isn't ever easy... and I won't ever contend that the Military Life is easy. It is probably harder than the Average Joe's life. But life, for anyone, is sink or swim. Military life isn't any different. I chose to swim... no matter how hard it got, how little I knew, how tired I was, how aggravating it got, how hopeless it sometimes seemed. Because I never saw another viable option- this was my life and it was up to me to make it work. I married the man I love and he was in the Army- so there was nothing to do but step up and make it happen. One way or another. That is what adults do. We ALL have the choice to fail or succeed. I chose to succeed. No special super powers. No certificate deeming me a prime MilSpouse candidate. I just chose.

To me, when a military marriage fails, it isn't the military's fault. It isn't the lifestyle. It isn't the deployments (though no one will ever contend that they make marriages easier). It is because, at the end of the day, the two people in marriage failed each other. And that happens. It happens ALL the time in the civilian world. They don't get to blame the military- so why do these folks pin the blame on the the Army or the Corps or the Navy or AF or CG? That isn't fair. My guess is that any of these marriages would have failed in the military or out. Because it is personal. Not inextricably tied to the military... you can blame a million things on the military, but the failure of your marriage isn't one of them. That one is on you and your partner.

It just seems like that statement is more of a cop-out or excuse than a reality. An easy way out for the ones who don't want to step up to the plate. Yes, it is hard. Yes there are challenges. But that's not unique to the military. That is LIFE. Some marriages will fail and some will succeed, some people will thrive and some will struggle- but these are personal issues that can't be blamed on the military lifestyle. It is about attitude and desire and being personally accountable for the way you choose to life your life and the consequences thereof. The honest truth is that anyone, ANYONE, can hack it as a MilSpouse. You just have to want to.

But hey, that's just my two cents.

Do you ever wonder...

Does this military life every leave you wondering "How the heck did I get here"? I don't mean that in a bad way, just that, do you ever wake up, look around and find yourself living in a state you never in a million years thought you would live in, unemployed, thinking to yourself... damn... I didn't see this one coming.

Of course this is part and parcel of being a MilSpouse. The Army's (insert your branch here) needs and wants of your spouse trump anything else... that is expected and at some point you just have to be okay with that. I suppose that I am. (Of course being okay with it and loving it are two different things, but that is a different post entirely.) Moving is what we do. Readjusting is the norm, every three years or so. Figuring out your new duty station and town and state is just par for the course.

Anyway, I'm sitting here on a Saturday morning, waiting out the last bit of this deployment, in a new place I never thought I'd live in, watching a Summerfest concert (Sugarland) on the telly (yay Palladia! I love you!) and getting all sorts of nostalgic for home and the life I (we) had before this PCS. Yes, I'm okay with this move and I am giddy at the thought of living with my husband for a change. But do I miss home? Do I miss the things I used to do with my friends who used to be close enough to do stuff with? Do I miss all the things that make Wisconsin Wisconsin? Do I get a bit homesick for the places that have been home for so long? You bet your sweet bippy I do.

BUT. (This is where the big girl panties go on and all that stuff I spewed the other day about sucking it up and moving on and perspective and yadda, yadda, yadda comes in). I'm also looking at this PCS as an opportunity. No, it isn't the Midwest that I grew up in and love. No, there isn't Summerfest. No, there aren't brats and beer and cheese everywhere you turn. No, my friends aren't mere hours or minutes away. No, I can't stand the local colleges (they ain't no Badgers). And no, it isn't my idea of Shangri-La. And yes, it is a strange, foreign place that I often just do. not. get. But that is okay. That is a reason to go out and explore. Go the the big cities here. Go to concerts here. Go to the insane state fair. Go see all the crazy things that make this place what it is.

In short, this place being so different is exactly I (we) should treat it as a challenge... a travel destination, a place to discover, a place to figure out. We are going to explore and immerse ourselves in the litany of quirky things that make up this state. We are going to walk away from this duty station with at the very least, some great stories about the crazy things we did and saw here.

And maybe one day I will look back on our time here, see a concert or place on the telly, and get all nostalgic for this state too.

Oh, the things you get excited over.

Yes, the deployment is (blessedly) coming to a draw. Wonder of wonders, this year is almost over. Well, year plus. But I digress. I am over the moon at the prospect of Swiss coming home... but as I have said before, I've had a hard time with it just not feeling real yet. I attribute 99% of this to the fact that we haven't had even a tentative return date. What dates they have given us, in true Army fashion, have bounced around the way Paris Hilton party hops.

Of course, we have our flight number, but that too has thus far been nothing but a number. No time or date or any information at all attached to. And that's been okay. I mean, its not like he won't get a flight, it is just information we don't have yet. Ergo, hard to get all Squee! about his homecoming.

BUT. This morning, I saw on Twitter (I'll explain THAT one in a bit) that the flight before his finally got a date and time. FINALLY! That means his flight is next in line for a date and time assignment! See! THESE are the things we get excited about. The flight before my husband's getting assigned a date and time. Silly. But also? Thrilling! We are getting closer folks!!!

Now, about the Twitter situation. Sigh. The Twitter. I like Twitter. It is like IM with dozen of folks all at once. Both mind boggling and awesome. But here's the deal. About a month ago we got an e-mail from our FRG and the Division that told us we would get our soldier's flight number from them (the soldier) and then have to rely on the Division's web site and Twitter for date and time updates. Seriously. They told us in no uncertain terms that the FRG was not to be called as they were not being given any of this information. It was all between us, the Division site and Twitter updates. Does this bug anyone else? No actual person to call with questions? Posting this information online? I don't know. It doesn't sit right with me. Not that I have any choice, but yes, that is the Twitter situation.

Anywhoodles, yes, color me excited! We're almost done!!!

The new me?

As I sit here at my desk (still on Swiss' PC) contemplating the weeks and days ahead, the unknowing, the questions, the constant state of "I don't know" in our lives... I am struck by the general calm I have about all of it. Do I get annoyed? Sure (see my last post if you want evidence of that!). Do I get frustrated at times or angry? Yep. But it is almost always fleeting. It comes and it goes and that is it. The emotional outbursts are few and far between, there have been few, if any, tears shed over the uncertainty of Swiss's return. I just put my head down and keep going, only halting to bitch on occasion, then the head goes back down and I keep on trucking. This, in a nutshell, has been the majority of the deployment.

I certainly don't contend that I am special or different from any other MilSpouse for the way I've gotten through this. Not a chance. I know what I'm doing is just par for the course. But what I do contend is that this deployment, this Army life, this war has changed me. It has made me different. I cope differently, I react differently, I move on more quickly, I respond to situations differently, I sigh and regroup and keep going because I've come to terms with the fact that I have little to no say in all of this.

Now, I wouldn't call myself high-maintenance or anything pre-deployment. But I was the sort of weepy kind, the one who tended to mentally obsess over every detail, the kind that would get at least a knot in my stomach with every new curve ball the Army sent out way. I cried every time Swiss left (he lived in another state while we were dating). I cried even thinking about the deployment or the PCS or well, anything (part of which is normal pre-deployment-anticipatory-grief stuff). But suffice it to say, I let the Army's changes to our life highly dictate my mood, emotions, outlook. I couldn't figure out how to avoid it. The prospect of extra days away from Swiss left me a blubbering mess. Just thinking about the deployment, the possible changes that could come, the Army jerking us around, the uncertainty of it all resulted in me constantly dancing around the edges of full on tears and anguish and nearly consuming frustration. Gaw, that does make me sound high maintenance. (I will say that only a few people actually had to deal with this, so maybe that helps?)

The point is that this deployment, this 12+ months of suck that is slowly drawing to a close, this THING that took over our life... it has changed me. It has changed how I deal and cope and I sort of find this fascinating. At 30/31 you would think that these things, how you 'deal', are set in stone... that things like this only further cement your way of dealing with it all. I guess I thought that this experience would only hone my skill set, not give me a new one. I was wrong. Which is refreshing. I'm glad that I learned something in all of this, that I got better at things, that something good came out of this. Though I suppose your definition of "good" would have a lot to do with it.

I remember when Swiss and I were dating, and I would cry every time he had to leave and he wouldn't. He told me he didn't really get it, because we both knew he was coming back eventually. He said that he'd just had to say so many bigger, worse goodbyes... that I would understand after the deployment. And boy, was he right. I look back on some of those times and feel positively silly. But at the time, that was the worst thing I'd experienced. Now? I've dealt with so much worse, I feel like if I were to go back and relive those moments, I would have handled them SO differently.

Now I feel like I approach these dramas and uncertainties and fears with a new found toughness and determination. I'm wiser and have much, much better perspective (something I will admit I was greatly lacking). I am more rational and matter-of-fact... I've truly learned how to deal with the things I can't change (this is a skill I thought I had years ago, but never really grasped). I have new found tenacity and calmness, two things that when paired together render you practically fearless. I know that whatever it is, it could be worse. I know that I really can handle all the crap life throws at us. With strength and grace and poise. And that is pretty awesome. So thank you Army, for making me stronger (Army Strong?! *groan*) and tougher and for the one good thing that has come out of this deployment.

But we don't have to do it again, mmmkay?

Molasses.

Ugh. Our neighbor's husband is home. As in home from the deployment. He is in the same group of guys that Swiss is in... and I'm 95% sure he left after Swiss did. And he's home before Swiss is. My patience is wearing thin.

Don't get me wrong, I am super happy for them. (Honestly!!!) I won't begrude anyone their happy homecoming because deployments are hard on everyone and we've ALL earned our celebrations. But the past week has seen a steady stream of decorated cars, banners on bridges, signs on homefronts... more and more. I see them everywhere naturally, at the PX, the commissary, in the Home Depot parking lot, at the mall, next door, on my run, everywhere. And can I tell you that I am so sick of it.

I'm not sick of it because I think it is lame or overly saccharine. The first signs I saw made me happy and misty and left me beaming all day long. Now I'm just over it because I'm tired of everyone else having their homecoming but us. (Okay, that isn't fair, there are obviously other families in the unit still waiting) I don't know. I'm just ready to have our reunion. I'm ready for that to be us. I'm ready for the signs to be on our house and the decorations on our truck. I am ready to not be in this house alone anymore.

Perhaps all of this is just because my patience is wearing thin and the final weeks of this deployment have left we weary, they are moving oh so slowly- sometimes it is hard to believe we've been doing this for almost a year now. Sometimes it feels like less, but mostly it feels like its been a decade. I am tired and exhausted and so, so over it. I'll stop my whining now. But man oh man, I want that to be us already!

Fear of the future.

Sigh. I am sitting here at my computer after a half hour of job/career hunting. I'm left feeling like I need another cup of coffee with some whiskey in it, a hug from Swiss and a pep talk from Beth. Deflated, defeated and hopeless. Dude, what a downer on a Saturday morning, right?

I guess I just feel like I'm at a really strange place as far as starting over goes. I have a four-year degree. I have a certificate degree in my 'speciality'. But I am 31 and don't know what to do with myself. Do I go back to school? Do I suck it up and keep on track with a career I've sort of fallen out of love with (but don't hate). Do I try to re-enter the job market back at entry levels? Can we handle that financially? Sigh, what is a girl to do???

I don't mind the idea of going back to school in theory. I LOATHE the idea of having to take (re-take) the GRE and I don't like the idea of having to spend money on school to make money... that just leaves me out of the working pool for another 2 years. Blech. And honestly, I feel like if I am going to go back to school and do all that work- it better be for something I REALY love. I don't think I can say that about any of the programs (save maybe art school) Ive looked into.

My degree is in environmental biology. My job experience is medical. There are a few careers out there that I think would let me meld those two together, but most want a otherwise useless Master's in Biology to even apply. Seriously, a MS in Biology is as good as Monopoly money. I won't waste the time, money or energy to get one.

And Swiss always asks me what my dream job is. This usually makes me sad because I don't think I have one anymore... maybe independently wealthy traveler/artist/photographer? But that would require winning the lottery. I used to want to be a Veterinarian... but even that doesn't make sense at this juncture in my life. I don't want to teach. I don't want to be a field biologist. I would love to work at a NFP environmental organization, but I don't see how we can afford to do the things we want on those types of low salaries. I would love to advise students about biology careers, but those are the jobs that want the useless MS in Biology. I could try to hack it as a freelance photographer & artist, but I'd feel guilty if Swiss was the only one really contributing to the household income.

If I'm lucky, I might be able to swing a government job in biology, or at least relating to it. And worst case scenario, I stick with my former career track because I'm already well qualified and trained and *should* be able to land a job (providing there is one near us) without too much difficulty. But it just feels weird to be lost in the sea of "What do I want to be when I grow up" again at 31. I did this a couple of times already and, yes, it does suck as much as I remember. Ha!

Anyway, I am sure things will fall into place the closer we get and once we know where Swiss can get good offers. I am sure that there will be better opportunities when I can hone in on a geographical area, and I'm sure that whatever it is I end up doing, it will be okay. I sort of feel like this should be a liberating experience, like pressing the refresh button on your career, but when you don't have direction or deep seated career desires, it really leaves you feeling more listless and angsty. I'm guessing this is the feeling Swiss has told me about when he talks about leaving the Army...

Karma, you are such a bitch!

No sooner did I flaunt how awesome my Mac is compared to my husband's PC... it decided to take a crap after I installed some updates. Seriously. The sucker will not boot up. Dead as a doornail.

So, the good news is that I got Swiss's PC set up in one helluva a hurry (cross it off the list!) and am back online. The other good news is that I religiously use Mac's TimeMachine for backups to an external hard drive, so all my goodies are in tact and undamaged.

I suspect that, since we are 5ish years in, this is the death knell of my dear iMac. Looks like a new one is in our future sooner than I had planned. Ah well, at least we have the PC (may I never dis you like that again) for now and I'm back online.

Karma: I learned my lesson and I apologize profusely. Now please leave me alone. Kthxbai!

My own personal Surge.

Yes. A Surge. A Redeployment/Homecoming Surge of semi-epic proportions (can anything actually be "semi-epic???). I have a few weeks of geographical bachelorettehoodom to go, and I need to make the most of them. So in a relatively lame attempt to keep myself on track, I'm going to post my list of items that either a) MUST be done or b) should get done before Swiss comes home. Ready?

• Lose 5ish pounds. Not joking... holiday blubber must go! I could stand to lose more, but that is a long-term goal, short term is 5 lbs. I've been doing great eating healthy, I just need to work on my portion sizes... I have this teensey problem of when whatever it is I'm eating tastes really good (healthy or not), I want A LOT of it.

• Spruce up our yard/patio. We actually have a pretty nice space with no neighbors to the back, so it would be nice for lounging and dining and right now it looks like the sad last hours of a rummage sale. I'm gonna plant some things in the pretty pots I got back in MN with Emily (Hi Em!), hang some festive lights, rake up the neighbor's leaves and arrange the furniture so it looks less like Hillbillies live here.

• Organize our desk and get Swiss's computer set up. The beauty of having an iMac is that there is, literally, one plug to get the actual computer up and running. One internet cable and the USB stuff to the keyboard, mouse and external HD and I'm up and running. Swiss, on the other hand, has a PC (we are working on that) and therefore a rat's nest of cables is sitting next to me at our schmancy new stainless steel desk. And there are 3 small boxes of assorted crap- er I mean stuff- that needs to find a home before Swiss gets back. And we need a router. Wheee!

• Wash his truck, inside and out. It should be purty for when I pick him up, right now it looks like someone did a cross country road trip in it. Oh, wait. I did. Either way I need shine that baby up.

• PAINT! Yes, painting is my hobby, but right now there is a giant nekkid space above our couch on our awesome purple wall, between our kicky IKEA pendant lamps. It looks sad and lonely... and I finally got an idea of what to paint on my 2 24"x30" canvasses. Must get crackin' on this project rightthisminute if the oil paints are going to dry by the time the wheels hit the ground (SQUEEE!!!)

• Shine up the dog. Fletcher has taken on a permanent scent of dried grass and always seems to have mud/dirt stuck in his hairy little paws. If Fletch is going to have any hopes of winning over Swiss (they have only spent 5 fleeting days together the entire time we've had him), he's gonna have to look and smell the part!

• Finish the last minute home decorating details. Like reupholster the 2 spare chairs in the dining room with the hand painted fabric I just completed. Do I think Swiss will even notice? Hell no. BUT, I will notice and I will finally feel like this place is D.O.N.E. once this is finished. Also, I need to find homes for the last few scattered boxes of STUFF laying around. That should put the house in tip-top shape, which will make me a very happy gal.

• Make a sign! You know, a silly but helpful sign that says something like "Tucker!" with an arrow pointing down at me so that Swiss can find me in the madness of the Homecoming ceremony. But no glitter, no ribbons, no whackadoo tchotchkies. Just a simple and straightforward, yet highly effective, sign.

• Shave my legs and get a mani/pedi. The bonus to having your husband gone for a year is that you can let your legs get pretty furry if you want... because its just you and the dog. But no one wants to come home to Chewbacca in a dress (or this, yuck) so I need to shine myself up too!

• Lastly, I need to register us for the 5K we are doing in the Big City about an hour away. This is our Valentine's Day agenda (romantic, right?), so I can't screw this up and forget like I've been doing. Oh, and maybe get myself some cute running duds for the big day. I know Swiss is super excited about it and he's sweet enough to not want to "Run" this race for time (because he is a great runner and is pretty competitive), but rather run it with me, however slow I need to go. See? Sweet.

So there it is... my agenda for the next few weeks. Am I missing anything??? Know what is silly? Writing this post has made this homecoming feel more real than it EVER has before. And you know what? I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED I COULD PEE MY PANTS! But I won't.

HE'S COMING HOME Y'ALL! SOON!!!!! Squeeeeeee!!!!!

The sunsets down here do kick ass...

And here's a gratuitous photo of my furchild...

Like a mirage.

Last night, on the phone, Swiss gave me the approximate number of days we have left until his homecoming. Obviously I can't give you that number (OPSEC Fairy!) but let me just say this, I was gobsmacked at how close it is. Like seriously, I was almost without words. (Though I think my precise words were. "Shut UP! THAT close?!?!?")

This is such a strange time in the deployment. We are finally close enough that I will let myself say we are close (but only close in the MilSpouse sense of the word- most civilian spouses would still be balking at this amount of time). We are close enough that the panic of all the stuff left to do is setting in. You know, the oh, I want to lose 5 lbs yet and shampoo the carpets and stock the fridge and color my hair and get a pedicure and figure out what to wear and set up his computer and spruce up the patio and, and, and... the list goes on. And on.

But the strangest thing is that, even though I know it is close, it still doesn't feel real. Maybe this is the product of going it alone for so long- like we've all said before, this is the new normal. Me without him. So even though I am giddy at the thought of him coming home and making our new, new normal (I'm starting to loathe that phrase BTW- must come up with a new one), it just doesn't feel real. Like the idea of him coming home is still just a far-away dream- because that's all its been for 11+ months. I know this feeling will subside and be overshadowed by excitement and giddiness as the day draws closer. But I can't wrap my head around how weird this feels... like its a mirage just out of reach and I have no way of making sure its real... strange I tell you, strange!