Hollywood and the Military.

So, I'm risking getting into deep water without enough water wings here. (But I will call on e-mails from my very learned and smart and amazing best friend Beth, who has TONS of experience and can drop some serious knowledge on this topic.) However, watching the Golden Globes the last night got me thinking... I saw a clip from the movie "Brothers" and recalled a great conversation I had with Beth after leaving Invictus. We had seen the posters for "Brothers" and started talking about how movies like these color the public's perception of what Veterans are. For better, and mostly, worse. We wondered why most MilMovies focus on the crazed, angry, out-of-control Veteran with PTSD. Why do they all show the dirtiest, nastiest and least common side effect of these wars? But before I go on, let me ask y'all this:

How do you feel about Hollywood's current portrail of Veterans in movies?

Here are a few for you to reference if you need a cheat sheet (obvs this isn't comprehensive):

Dear John

Brothers

Hurt Locker*

Taking Chance*

The Marine

Stop-Loss

Jarhead

*These two movies are nearly universally lauded as excellent MilMovies, not fitting the recent status-quo discussed below.

Cross reference the "big" military movies (leaving out the WWI & WWII fare) of the last 30-ish years (again, not comprehensive):

Black Hawk Down

We Were Soldiers Once

Platoon

Apocalypse Now

Deer Hunter

Full Metal Jacket

The crux of the matter is this: pre-Platoon, all war movies (depicting active duty soldiers or Veterans) were basically patriotic pseudo-propaganda. They were designed to make you feel proud, make your heart swell with patriotism, make you revere and honor the bravery and honor of The American Soldier. None of which were bad things. They just tended to gloss over the more realistic, graphic issues and realities surrounding war. Platoon changed that. It changed everything. It wasn't sterilized for mass consumption, it was raw and real and gruesome and in-your-face. Platoon was everything the previous movies were not. It was terrifying, shocking, eye-opening, and likely left many feeling less than patriotic.

Was this a good thing? Yes and no. Yes, because it de-sterilized war, it made it real and brought the terrors and gruesome realities of war to the forefront of public perception. It thoroughly de-romanticized war and illustrated that these wars weren't full of John Wayne types, there were slackers and terrorizers and greenies and weary career types. Yes, because it opened up the public's eyes to what wars really are and what our Veterans really went through.

But on the other hand... as revolutionary and eye-opening as it was... it created a reason for fear. A reason to fear and keep Veterans at a distance. It showed the dirty under-belly of combat, it showed the reasons why so many Veterans had mental health issues, coping issues, health issues, why some became so detached from society, why some never recovered from their tours. Keeping Veterans at a distance became the new norm... not men (and women) to be honored and revered, but people to stay away from and be weary of. Because you never know when they'll snap.

In some ways, Platoon, and movies like it, enhanced our understanding of things like PTST and Combat Fatigue, which is good. It gave credibility and weight to the realities of being a soldier, it gave heft to their experiences and personal traumas. But as these types of movies increased over time, it became the only image of the Veteran we saw in the theaters. When is the last time you saw a feel-good, patriotic military movie? When did you last see a soldier -from the current conflicts- not presented as a psychopath waiting to emerge (See: Brothers)? When did you last see a soldier who wasn't being taken advantage of by the Military, bound to turn into a crazed, gun-wielding Veteran? When is the last time you saw one quietly dealing with PTSD, TBI, or combat fatigue with medical personnel and family members? That's right, Never.

It is all about the new cliche Hollywood has created for our Veterans. And admit it, you know it: The guy who just isn't the same as he was before the war... the guy unwilling to discuss the horrors of war, with a terrifying temper just a wrong word/action/sound/memory away. The guy who can't differentiate between reality and war. The guy who is just one wrong move away from blowing everyone away. Your worst nightmare wearing the cloak of PSTD and on a steroids. THAT is the perception of Veterans Hollywood has given the masses since the '70's.

Okay, I hear you. They are just movies. They aren't real... movies are the same places we go to for princesses, Marvel Comic heroes, men who age backwards, romanticized historical epics and ridiculous romantic comedies. We don't think those are real... why would we think THIS was real? But then I ask you this: How many of you have watched a romantic comedy at some point in your life and thought, "That could happen to me!". How many of you have watched an epic historical drama and thought, "Yes, that is EXACTLY how it was... no body odor, beautiful people, and good teeth!". Whether we like it or not, how Hollywood chooses to portray things DOES color our view of those things... assuming we don't have first-hand knowledge to tell us otherwise.

Therein lies the issue. It all comes back to the 1%. Only 1% of movie-goers (give or take an educated few) have ANYTHING to cross reference these stereotypes/cliches against. So where does that leave us? 99% of moviegoers think this is the reality, or at least some permutation of the truth. "Crazy-on-the-verge-of-going-Postal" is what goes on in a Veteran's head. This is why you shouldn't get too close or ask too many questions. The sad trickle-down-effect? A higher Veteran unemployment rate - no one wants to hire the Vet who just might go crazy. It is the obvious disconnect between the public and the Veterans in their communities. It is why funding for Veteran health care (including mental health) gets voted down. It is why people bitch about the Post-911 GI Bill not being fair for everyone else.

I'm interested to know what you all think about this. Have I taken the argument too far? Is there really no discernible link between these stereotypes, Hollywood and Vet unemployment rates? Or is this real? Is this something we need to combat? What do YOU think about the stereotypes Hollywood has created for our Veterans?

Odds and ends.

1. The house is sooooo close to being done. And it feels amazing. Seriously, I could not have done this without help. My Mom rocks, big time. There is so little left to be done, so little that I could finish it all in a day or two, but I won't, because I need things to occupy my brain, time and energy until Swiss comes home.

2. Dealing with the pseudo-step kid who doesn't like me isn't fun at all. I never know what to do or say to avoid living up to my (I think) unearned Wicked Stepmother moniker. He's 21 and has 3 kids of his own (if you do the math here, you'll find that yes, in fact, I am a Step-grandmother as well. Laugh all you want, but if you are going to make a crack about it- make it a good one!) and has held onto the idea that "I'm not going to call her Mom" ever since Swiss and I got serious... even though I've never asked or wanted him to do so.

He wants the lowdown on when Swiss gets home (which of course I have shared with him, even though we have a window 2 weeks wide), but he won't call me to ask, or e-mail me, he uses his wife via Facebook to communicate with me. Blech. But anyway, I invited him and his family down for the homecoming or to visit shortly after Swiss gets home because I know if I didn't, it would be because I don't want them to be a part of our life. Even though that couldn't be further from the truth. I suppose I just keep on doing the best I can and maybe some day he and I will be on better terms... meaning he won't see me as an intruder into his family anymore. *sigh*

3. Dude, it is 61 degrees out. And sunny! And it is fabulous! The windows are open and the sun is shining in and the grass is greening up and it makes me happy. Plus, you should see the beautiful light that my studio room gets!

4. I am mostly completely in love with our Commissary. (I say mostly because there are minor annoyances, like no fresh seafood, a sort of paltry health food section, and inconsistent brands stocking- like having a certain brand's organic mustard but not ketchup for instance) The avocados are like 79 cents a pound. And limes are 3 for 33 cents. And the chicken is dirt cheap. And the cheeses! The ice creams (though no sorbets)! The German foods isle and the Hispanic foods and the Asian foods and the specialty items! It is wonderful... and juuuust down the street. I foresee much cooking and much deliciousness coming from our kitchen. Hooray!

5. This house is pretty great, I love the floor-plan and the rooms are all super spacious (except the bathroom which are, ummm, let's call them efficient). But the one thing I don't love? There are only 8 drawers in the entire place. Eight. And they are all in the kitchen. Dudes! Where do I put my makeup??? My hairbrushes? My STUFF? Very perplexing. Who makes bathrooms these days without a single functioning drawer I ask you??? The Army!!! That's who!

6. The hubs got word that he'll be getting a promotion of sorts upon redeployment stateside. He'll actually get frocked, but it is a job he will be great at. The only down side? He's gonna be in charge of A LOT of guys and a lot of things... so that invariably means longer work days, late nights, weekends, the works. I want to be peeved about it, but seeing as how I'll be at home for breakfasts and lunches and, well ALL the time, I'm thinking we will make it work and things will be fine. More importantly, Swiss will be happy because he is finally getting the respect and responsibility he deserves. Yay Swiss!

7. My Mom was sufficiently amazed by IKEA. And I bought soooo much stuff! But it all looks 84 shades of awesome in the house and I had delicious Swedish Meatballs with Lingonberry jam. YUM. And it is just 55 minutes down the road. Wheee!

8. The Class Six here has 7 (SEVEN!) kinds of hard cider. Swiss and I luuuurve hard cider. Aaand, 3 of them are kinds I've never had... one of which is local! Squee!

9. The painting/creativity bug has bit me again. All I have to do is get the studio prepped and I can starting painting away. Plus, I bought myself a ton of new high-quality acrylic paints with my birfday money from my parents. I. Can't. Wait!

10. Fletcher has finally started to settle in to life on a military post. "Taps" doesn't bother him like it used to and he's less threatened by all the other bugle calls. The neighbor's car doors though? Not cool. Ha.

Okay- that is all. That got waaaaay long than I intended it to be, but there you have it.

ZOMG. Are we done yet?

So the house is now 95% finished (roughly... that may or may not be a bit of an exaggeration designed to make me feel better) thanks in large part to my awesome Mom's help. But as I sit here at my shiny new desk in my awesome living room (I will post photos for the more curious of the lot)... I feel bummed when I think I should be excited. We are back in the home stretch, again, and I think I just feel like none of this is what is should be until he gets home, none of this is worth getting excited over until he's here. Does that make any sense?

I'm not weepy or sad about it... I'm past that, but I am just ready to be done with it. I've been ready for months and months and months now. I'm exhausted and weary of it all at this point. We hit the "home stretch" 2 or 3 weeks ago and then got word of an extension of sorts. So I guess that has made me feel like we aren't making any forward progress on this deployment and that, for lack of a better term, sucks. Forward progress is all you've got to keep you going, am I right? I'm tired of folks saying "So close now!" because in no other world is this amount of time apart, even just what time we have left, considered a short time to be apart. I hate that. I hate that this is "nothing" in light of what we've already done. No one else would think 5-ish* weeks is a short time to be away from your husband. They just wouldn't. Don't get me started on the other 11 months.

But I digress. I guess what I am trying to say is that, like most of this deployment, this stage doesn't feel anything like I thought it would. I thought this is when I would start to get excited. I thought the nesting would keep me upbeat. I thought living back on Post would make it feel more real, closer. I thought logging 11 months of this would make the last bit feel like a walk in the park. Newsflash: Not a one of these things makes it any better, any easier, or any less sucky. The only remedy to this malaise (other than more cowbell, obvs) is Swiss coming home, safe and sound.

I miss my husband. I am over worrying about him. I am over a 15 minute phone call as our only means of communication. I am over e-mail correspondence. I want him home already. I want him to get to know Fletcher. I want him to see the new digs and all the cool stuff I got us for it. I want to be able to call him, whenever I feel like it. I want to have face-to-face conversations with him. I want to hold his hand and do things together. I want to curl up with him on the couch- god, do you know how long it's been since we've done that? I want to cook for two, I want to see his boots in the hallway, I want to have ACUs in the laundry, I want to tuck in next to him in the middle of the night. I don't want to be flying solo anymore, its been too long.

Anyway, that's where my head is at. I'm most definitely in the "put your head down and just keep going" mode, and I know there is a HUGE payoff waiting for me in the weeks/month+ ahead. It just feels like our pace is on par with molasses on a cold Minnesota day. Trust me, its S-L-O-W.

But hey, today I get to go buy a bed for the guest room (the PX is having a sale!) and finish putting together our bathroom (Good Maude I have a lot of cosmetic/lotiony things!) and my studio. We FINALLY found the paintbrushes in the 5th to last box we opened and I bought a boatload of good acrylics with my birfday money from my parents (woot!). So the painting will begin next week when my Mom heads back to winter and home (sad). Have a great day y'all!

*Obvs OPSEC is at play here. That isn't the real number. I'm totally lying to you. Still like me?

Mah craw. (aka: Do better ABC)

So tonight while watching meaningless sitcoms, I got something stuck in my craw. Big time.

Now, let me say this, I love Ugly Betty. I find it campy and funny and irreverent and a nice distraction for an hour or so once a week. But this week? I feel oddly insulted and thoroughly annoyed.

Let me set up the plot for y'all: Betty and her boyfriend are talking about a charity that does infrastructure work in Botswana. Her boyfriend is rich and writes a few fat checks to the group... then he visits their headquarters and feels like the money isn't enough so he volunteers to go on a six month trip with the group to do charitable deeds in a teensey town in Africa.

What does Betty do in the face of this news? Melt down. She whines about the status of their relationship during his time away, about how it isn't fair, about how this doesn't fit into her plan for their life together ... all the while she looks utterly crestfallen and on the verge of tears... solemnly and dramatically moping through the streets of New York.

Because her boyfriend is going to volunteer in a perfectly safe place for six months.

SERIOUSLY? This just shows me how utterly out of sync the American public (and media for that matter) is with our military families and way of life. I know I shouldn't be rallying about a silly TV show, but COME ON.

Try putting her boyfriend in ACU's for a change... send him to Iraq or Afghanistan. Try having him gone for a full year (or more), in grave danger, avoiding IEDs, RPGs and suicide bombers. Have him do it over and over again every 12-15 months. Have him loose a leg. Have him miss their first anniversary, have him miss Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years and the 4th of July and her birthday and every other important day in a given year. Have him only get one 15 minute call a day after waiting in line for 2 hours. Have him struggle to help her carry the burden of everything she's taking care of at home solely via e-mail and phone calls. Have them live our life... make him a soldier or a marine (et al)... make him wear the uniform... make her one of us.

That would give her something to cry about and that would be a story worth telling.

But instead we get weepy girlfriends over six month volunteer trips to Africa. Thanks ABC, you really are paying attention.

Thirty-one.

So, today was my birthday (or birfday to be more precise). I turned 31. I've recently discovered that I tend to look back and view my life through the years of my life rather than calendar years. Strange, I know.

See, 30 wasn't all that great. Not because it was "30" or because I was late for my quarter-life crisis. It kinda sucked because my husband was gone for 95% of it, I had to sell our house which was a nightmare, my sweet Grandfather died, and I had to move a long ways away from my friends and family, and Fletcher was the dog from hell the first 7 months I had him. Oh yeah, and Swiss was gone for 95% of it. Oh, wait... did I already list that one? My bad. Though it sucked enough to be listed twice for sure.

But on the plus side, 30 brought me so many amazing new friends, all of which were internet based (Brittany, sister from another mister! LAW! Jenny/Trixie! Jennifer! Lopsided Mom! Never Apart in Heart! Hillary! Bette! Hellcat Betty! USMCwife! Snarky Navy Wife! etc...) *I'm now realizing that I missed some awesome people- Sorry Kimba, Molly, Loquita, Slightly Salty, and Amy!* This I find to be utterly amazing for so many reasons and my sanity thanks you all, I feel blessed and beyond lucky to have witty, savvy and strong women like you in my life. 30 also cemented the most important friendships in my "real" life, Beth, Valerie, Emily, Shari... you all are amazing and you will likely never know how integral you all were to my making it through this year relatively intact. You 4 always amaze me, you are bright, bold, caring, and perfectly unique- and I am grateful to have you all in my life. 30 also made me grateful for the wonderful relationships I have with my Mom and Dad- you two are totally responsible for turning me in to what I am. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but I'm guessing you'll take it.

30 also taught me how strong I really am. 30 toughened me up, made me less weepy and more resilient. 30 showed me that I growed up alright, and that my life was, against all odds, pretty amazing. 30 showed me that I really can do anything and that I am more than the sum of my parts. So, maybe 30 wasn't all that bad. But here's to 31... may all the wonders of this past year continue and may this new year, with Swiss home, be nothing short of spectacular. Fingers crossed, knock on wood!

Thanks dear readers, for making this past year a helluva lot better than I thought it would be! <3

Mah weekend.

Yesterday I did 80 flights of stairs, lugged up box after box of stuff and helped my FRG put together close to 200 single soldier barracks rooms. We hung up shower curtains, plugged in lamps, set out shampoo, TP and laundry detergent, folded towels and made beds... complete with a pair of condoms, neatly placed on the pillows, sort of like the fancy hotels do with chocolates. Hey, let's all be frank... after a hot shower, the condoms are probably pretty close to the top thing on most of those guy's priority lists! It was awesome to meet a few other ladies from the unit- most were really nice and interesting and friendly, so that was great. It was also nice to be able to help and do something nice for the guys coming home to an empty dorm-style room.

Today, my Mom flies in. HOORAY! She very kindly offered to come down to help me with the unpacking, organizing, decorating madness that I find myself currently floundering in. I'm very much looking forward to the company (you can only talk about so much with a dog, you know?) and the fresh perspective and also, for our pilgrimage to IKEA. Woot! So, hopefully by this time next week, the house will be TOTALLY put together and painted and decorated and looking so fabulous I won't believe it. Fingers crossed!

Anyway, that's it! Have a stellar Sunday everyone!

New MilSpouse blog!

So, my Twitter friend USMCwife8999 has started up her new blog and I think y'all should check it out!

Empty Nest, PCS, and All the Rest

She is embarking on a PCS and her son is graduating and they are selling a house and we've already been trading battle stories! She has a great family and she's got boatloads of amazing MilSpouse experience, and she's really sweet. So go check out her blog and support another MilSpouse blog, mmkay? Thanks!

Awards? Cool.

Well, sweet HellCat Betty sent me an award. Apparently she enjoys my blog. She might be crazy, but then again, that may be why we get along! Thanks Betty!

So, there are rules. Awards have rules? Anyway, here they are:

1. List 10 things that make you happy

2. Tag 10 bloggers that brighten your day

Ten Things That Make Me Happy
1. Sappy as it may be: My husband. Swiss is the best and nothing, no one, no place makes me as happy as he does. (you can feel free to gag or vomit if you please, sorry.)
2. Painting.
3. Crisp fall days and nights, preferably with a bonfire and wine.
4. My awesome family.
5. My most excellent friends for which I would be clinically insane.
6. Photograpy.
7. Cooking.
8. My nutty dog, Fletcher.
9. Traveling.
10. Laughing.

Ten military related bloggers that I enjoy:

1. Brittany @ My Army Wife Life

2. Hellcat Betty

3. LAW

4. Never Apart in Heart

5. Bette @ Vissi d'arte

6. Matt and Molly @ Here and Far

7. Slightly Salty

8. In the Meantime

9. Snarky Navy Wife

10. Lopsided Mom even though she's been quiet on the blogosphere for a bit

Dude... I DO NOT know what happened with the formatting on this guy. Sorry for the wonkieness.

SAHW: Sports edition

I am sort of giddy. And by sort of I mean really, really giddy.

I just realized that this year, this non-working year of mine, includes not only the annual bliss that is March Madness (Rock Chalk!) but also the Vancouver Olympics AND the World Cup. All deliciously uninterrupted and work free.

BOOYAH!

So I get to stay up late or get up early to watch it all live from the comfy confines of my sofa, I get to watch the games not on the internet but on our glorious TV in HD, and I get to see my favorites play (Spain! Kansas! England!) for the first time in years. Color me one happy SAHW. Remember that bit about me saying I've not been watching copious amounts of TV? Come mid-February, throw it out the window! Wheeee!

Being a SAHW, sans husband.

So pretty much I feel like a slacker (apart from the mighty task of getting this house together). I also feel like a college kid home on Semester break, wondering when this easy, breezy gig will be up. Which is to say that I don't think I've entirely grasped the fact that I'm not going back to work for a long time... at least not for another year, which seems like a long time to me.

Now that isn't to say that I'm not digging it. Work is overrated... though only in the sense of 40+ hours a week all dressed up doing what someone else tells you to do. However I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I do miss the intellectual challenge, the secretly awesome feeling of putting my degree to really great use, the satisfaction that comes with actually helping someone and doing something that matters... and getting paid for it.

But this life of leisure is pretty great too... I finally feeling unstressed (for the most part) and able to do a lot of the things I have always wanted to do. I'm running! Two weeks in to the Couch to 5K program and I'm staying motivated and actually doing it. Something I never really had time for when I was working and keeping the house clean and running errands every weeknight to keep the weekends free for Swiss, or when I was constantly cleaning, tweaking, obsessing over the sale of the house and prepping for the move. Excuses? Maybe. But before there was only so much I could do and maintain my sanity... working out was what got cut. Now? I have the time. And I dig it, plus the side benefit is that I'm getting in better shape and feeling better about myself. Win, win.

Do I watch a lot of TV? I suppose no more than I did before. Honestly, apart from my dedicated 2 hours every morning to watching the West Wing (Good Maude I love that show!)... I pretty much work throughout the day and only sit down for a few half hour stretches here and there (I can never say no to the Barefoot Contessa or ColorSplash) until dinnertime which is usually after 8. Which sort of surprises me. And I'm truly looking forward to having my studio totally set up and ready to go... then I hope to set aside an hour or two every day for creative me-time. I need to get my paint on for serials.

I've also done some awesome reading in regards to healthy eating and cooking. I read "Eat This, Not That" which was eye-opening and alarmingly helpful (the yogurt I've been buying has 28g of sugar per serving!!! Holy crap!). I also bought "The Food You Crave" which is an awesome cookbook with all sorts of healthy substitutes in the foods we (Swiss and I) love and Ellie Krieger is awesome and a registered dietitian so her recipes are full of flavor and healthy and well balanced. So there will be a lot of time spent in the kitchen, whipping up drool-worthy meals that aren't all bad for us, with a few tweaked gems from "Nigella Express" because, secretly, I want to be Nigella Lawson.

But I digress. Do I sometimes feel weird about being college educated with a certification in cytopathology sitting at home doing laundry and cooking? Frankly... Yes. Do I sort of feel like I'm not living up to my potential, not using the brains the good Lord gave me and the education my dear parents paid for? Yep. Do I also feel like, for the first time in ages, I'm able to relax and breathe and focus on me and my relationship? Yes. So despite all the conflicting feelings I have over this... I'm happy with my, our, decision. And I'm guessing that being home every day when my husband comes home for lunch and home from work and being able to explore the more creative aspects of my personality will go a long, long way to making me a happy person. But I'd also bet I'll be pretty stoked to get back to work in a year. Then again, maybe not!

THS: Unpacking.

Well, aren't y'all lucky? Two posts in one day!?! And here I thought I'd run out of stuff to blog about once we got close to homecoming. HA!

So, this one is for any of you who have yet to or are about to embark on the joys of a PCS. There is a seedy, dark underbelly to this PCS business. No, it isn't smarmy movers and no, it isn't the boatloads of paperwork, and alas, no, it isn't how the Transportation Office will do everything in their power to avoid having to pay you money for your damaged stuff.

Its about the Hangover.

See, when you get to where you are going, you are super excited and giddy about the possibilities of your new place. You are thrilled to have cable and internet and a sofa and you are all fired up about getting your place set up. You are ready to rumble.

And then you start. And then you are doing it for 2 days (if you are lucky, with help) and you are still up to your eyeballs in cardboard and packing materials and you have 5 loads of laundry and need to wash every piece of dish/bake-ware you own and all of your clothes are wrinkled and you can't find your new sheets and you still haven't really made any headway, or at least that is how it seems. And your place looks like something from that show Hoarders (which, I cannot bring myself to watch). At this point, if you are undertaking this alone, it is my experience that you start looking around and think 2 things: #1- The hubs better damned well appreciate all this freaking work and how awesome the house is going to look when he gets home because MAN did he ever get over on not having to do any of this, and #2- Do you think we could leave it this way and just watch HGTV and eat bon-bons?

I was at #1 this morning, shortly after the drains clogged and I broke two platters. Now I am at #2 after hanging up, shelving or folding at least 400 items of clothing this afternoon. But hey! I found the lampshades! In a box labeled "Clothes and Shoes"! I also discovered just how poorly the majority of my items were labeled. Apparently "Clothes" means any box with at least 2 items of clothing in them regardless of the other contents. Also, "Art Supplies" means yes, art supplies, but also 45 lbs. of Pro-Gear. Hmph. Oh and "Clothes" also means "Laundry supplies", "Sports Equipment", and "Pictures" in case you didn't know.

So, with this being said, let me offer you one piece of advice for those of you about to embark on a PCS: It is ALL about the labeling. If you are doing it yourself, be anal retentive and write everything that is inside on the box and where it is going to- not the room it came from (BIG difference when you are moving to a place without a basement/attic from a place with one!). If you are having someone move you- make them mark the boxes well, mark which room they are going to, what is in them, and don't let them get away with labels like "Supplies" and "Clothes". You will be SO much happier when you start unpacking because you will actually KNOW what is in them!

Anyway, I suppose I have shirked my unpacking duties long enough. I'm off to fold Swiss' t-shirts #105-263 (I wish I were kidding) and find a drawer big enough for all of my socks, which seem to have humped like bunnies while in storage. And with any luck, tackle the other 4 boxes labeled "Clothes". It'll be like a treasure hunt! HA!

The new digs.

Ah, on-post housing. First off, let me say that I am grateful to have a nice big house that doesn't require a lease or us actually cutting a rent check every month, for having a house that doesn't involve any of the 6-8 rush hours there are getting on and off post, and for having a place big enough to hold all the stuff we procured over the years... its a lot.

BUT.

I'm only one week in and I've had a live-in "waterbug"... THEY ARE CALLED COCKROACHES PEOPLE!... a MP stationed outside our back yard every day to keep the hoodlum middle schoolers from kicking in, breaking, and otherwise defacing our housing and fence... and now my kitchen sinks are clogged. Like, straight up clogged. I was trying- obviously in vain- to clean our dishes as I took them out of their packing materials... that stuff has been in storage for 3 months with God-only-knows-what-else so I figured a good scrub was in order. And then the sinks stopped draining. Seriously. So Operation Kitchen Assembly is on hold for the next 24 hours. I swear to you, I'm going to be eating every meal for the next week in the PX food court. Ugh.

But on the plus side, I've enjoyed rediscovering all of our sweet stuff. And discovered that both Swiss and I are clothes horses. I've also discovered that much of our home furnishings were meant to go in a house with colored walls. Cause this stuff is BEIGE! Thankfully Swiss is 110% on board with doing a bit of painting in the digs... he even picked out appropriately bold colors from the ones I had picked out. We are going to have a "Marmalade Glaze" dining room (think pumpkiny orange) and a "Spiced Plum" (eggplanty purple) living room. God, I love that man!

Also, not having a basement sort of sucks... how do you southerners do it???? Us Mid-westerners all have basements. You put all your stuff that you don't know what else to do with there... you store your holiday decorations there... you keep all your STUFF there. We have no basement. So where does this stuff go? And don't say the garage!!! We don't have one of those either! Ha!

Anyway, until the plumber comes (within 24 hours hopefully) I will have to shelve Operation Kitchen Assembly for the most part and get on with Operation Stock That Closet! Wish me luck and have a stellar day... there will be another post forthcoming about the strangeness that is being a SAHW... which is either a Stay At Home Wife or Snarky Ass Hillbilly Wanker. You decide!

Stuff.

First things first: Watching the Food Network is a horrible idea when your pantry is bare and you have not a single cooking utensil at your disposal. Just so you know.

Second: Buying a washer and dryer should not be more complicated than buying a car. For cereals. I've now been to the PX 3 times, Home Depot once and Lowe's twice. No one has the same stuff in stock and the prices are all sort of the same but delivery, vent packages, tax or no tax, gift cards, military discounts- bah! I finally picked one out today only to find that they only have it in red. Not a problem for me, but Swiss distinctly said "get one in white though". So back home I go. I'll check out AAFES online and maybe Sears too. But I swear to you all, I WILL have a washer and dryer by the end of the week! Even if it kills me and ends up being red!

Third: ZOMG!!! Our stuff!!! It arrives tomorrow between 8 and noon!!! I will have a real bed and a couch and kitchen utensils and a big TV and hangers and our STUFF! Wheeeeeeeee!

Fourth: Fletcher has GOT to stop waking me up before 6:00am every day. I do not know how to remedy this... any ideas folks? I might just have to leave him out to run around more and take him on walks late in the day. Goo. But the plus side is that since I am always up so early I've been doing really good at my Couch to 5K program. I'm going to call that a silver lining. Or something.

Fifth: IKEA here I come! My Mom is coming down to help me find homes for the 9,000 lbs of our STUFF that is coming tomorrow. And this place is big, so that means more furniture! More curtains! More rugs! More STUFF!!! Can you tell I'm a teensey bit excited for some serious IKEA spending? Also, it is my Mom's first trip there- can you believe it? Anyway, there will be Swedish Meatballs consumed and there will be a truck bed full of ready to assemble new furniture! Hooray!

Sixth: Have a stellar week everyone!

Happy New Year and I made it y'all!!!

So, 1,200 miles, 8 Diet Cokes and and 10 radio stations later... I am in our house at Fort X. I finally have cable and internet (woot!) and our household goods arrive on Monday (double woot!!). Color me relieved.

I've met our next-door neighbor, she's super friendly and was very welcoming. She even gave me the low-down about the hellions that cross the bridge behind our yard from the middle school on their way home. Apparently it got so bad in the past that they now station MP's outside our backyard fence to keep the urchins in line. Good to know, right? I've already made like 14 trips to the commissary and/or PX and need to go again once I finish up this post. Restarting a house is expensive y'all.

Some interesting things have happened since I last wrote... I had received a call from the Rear D just before I left telling me Swiss would be home on the 31st of December. Swiss then told me that, no, it would be late January... and the date has since been pushed back even further... past the year mark.I'm sad and frustrated by it all, but have since resigned myself to the fact. There isn't much I can do, is there? The worst part of it all was when I had to go to the PX and had to drive past the headquarters on the 31st. I saw all of the families anxiously waiting on the bleachers, flags flying, anticipation and excitement thick in the air. On my way home I saw all the guys (and gals) embraced by their loved ones, I watched the homecoming we should have had and, naturally, I started bawling in the truck knowing that it could have been Swiss and I out there. It could have been us hugging, breathing sighs of relief, spending New Year's Eve in reunited bliss. Instead I went home and went to bed early on the air mattress alone. Sigh. But enough of that...

Our new home is nice, spacious and pretty good for military housing circa 1970-ish. We have an awesome balcony-deck thing upstairs and the views are pretty great. The sunrises here are spectacular (I have Fletcher to thank for seeing those) and I very much appreciate being able to wear flip-flops in December. It still feels weird being here without him... but soon that will change. I'm looking forward to doing stuff with the FRG and I've started the Couch to 5K program because Swiss has decided we are doing a run together for Valentine's Day (I think that's romance Infantry style, no?). So, all in all, things are good if not a bit boring- thankfully all of that will change on Monday when I will have 9,000 lbs of stuff to find a home for!

The worst parts about Fort X? The gargantuan cockroach that I discovered living in my kitchen light fixture. I baked it to death overnight. But for reals folks. They don't make bugs that big in the upper midwest. G.R.O.S.S. Also, catching glimpses of guys in ACU's that look like Swiss. Talk about heart twangs. But I suppose we are in the pseudo-homestretch.

In any event... I'm looking forward to reuniting with my bed and the couch! It is good to be back internet friends... I wish you all a very excellent 2010!

Feasting on asphalt.

****UPDATE****
Okay, so the snow in the Midwest totally FUBAR'd my plans. I'm still here at home being held hostage by the great (ahem) states of IL and MO. I am hoping to leave tomorrow, and more than that I'm hoping that the housing office will be sympathetic and understanding and give me a new appointment on Tuesday. And the cable company too. BOO HISS.
Anyway, that's the update. Eff you snow!
**** UPDATE****


Just can't wait to get on the road again... something, something, with my friends... I can't wait to get on the road again! do, de, doo, de, dooo, do, dooooooooooooo. Or something like that...

As you probably have guessed, today is the big day. The truck is packed, Fletcher is set to ride shotgun and do his best Goose to my Maverick, and we are heading South. This PCS? It ain't gonna know what hit it! (Okay, at the rate we've been going, that isn't at all going to be true, but hey, positive thinking!)

The truck is stuffed to the gills like a proper Chipotle burrito (juuuuuuuust about to burst, and btw? YUM.), plenty of snack are stashed away for the both of us, and many, many miles of interstate are stretched out just waiting for us. I'm certain we will get a wide sampling of the spectacular array of rest stops, gas stations and junk food this country has to offer and rest assured, there will be pictures. Also, I'm sort of giddy about the prospect of 2 straight days of McDonald's and Burger King (maybe even the occasional Hardee's/Carl's Jr!). Score!?

Anyway, wish us safe travels, pray for good weather, and we will catch you on the flip-side... Live! From Fort X! (that should have sounded like the intro to Dancing with the Stars if you said it right.)

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Happy Chrismahanukkawanzawahteveritisyoucelebrate Everyone!!!

I want to wish you and your loved ones a very wonderful holiday season... I wish you all joy, lurve, laughter, full bellies, full glasses and a tremendously spectacular 2010. Holy crap. 2010!!!

Thank you for standing by me through this demanding, challenging, emotional-roller-coastering, exhausting year! Thank you for your kind words, your snark, your laughter, your wisdom... thank you for calming me, ranting with me, sobbing alongside me, and celebrating with me. I am so lucky to have found all of you, or you to have found me as it were, and for your camaraderie, friendship and generosity of spirit.

May 2010 be better, in every way, than this past year for you and yours. And I look forward to all of the hijinks, ridiculousness, drama and laughs yet to come!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS MY DEAR READERS! Muwah!!!

Foiled again!

Gah. Well, the good news is that 1) we have a house, 2) we have a cable/internet install date and 3) I was uber-smart and packed a bunch of necessary items for indoor camping. We also have a ship date for our household goods... only it isn't until the New Year. The 4th to be precise... just shy of a week after our move-in date. Boo!

No, it isn't the end of the world, but I just find it amazing that of all the things we as MilSpouses rally against, we seem to find this bogus week-or-more-without-our-stuff thing to be not only normal, but acceptable? Really? Maybe this is the reason people do DITY moves (aside from the extra money)? Maybe this isn't an issue when you choose to live off post? I don't know. But it does seem ridiculous to me that if you are moving into on-post housing, you shouldn't have to wait a week to get your stuff. Like really, what if we had kids? What if we had special needs or something? How is this acceptable and how has no one bitched about this already? (Okay, I assume folks have bitched about this before, but why hasn't someone tried to make a change here that would actually benefit families?)

So, tell me your PCS stories! How long have you had to wait to get your household goods? How easy was the process? How have you coped with being in housing without your stuff (with or sans kidlets)? And what would you do to make this process easier? What are your solutions to make PCS-ing easier on families?

I can't wait to hear your thoughts on this!

Cementing my everlasting love for Stephen Colbert.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down
http://www.colbertnation.com/
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

Early Christmas present!

GUESS WHAT? We got an address! And an upgrade (are you singing the Beyonce song too? I am!)! So there is a call & e-mail in to the Transportation Office, the cable installation is set up, and I can finally stop worrying about how this is all going to shake out. Hallelujah! And I will have my house in order before the big holiday. Phew!

I am beyond grateful for the very kind housing lady who hooked us up with a nicer house and an earlier move-in date, and also for being understanding about the holiday (they are letting me move in next week even though it is open now) and for kindly walking me through this since it is my first one and my Human Army Cliff Notes is in the Sandbox. Nice people make me happy!

So this is totally my early Christmas Present for the god(s) above and I'm thrilled to be able to get one huge monkey off my my back. And a lot more square footage to decorate when I get there! HOORAY!

PS- it's nice to write a post that isn't all sturm und drang (Thanks Tim Gunn!)... thanks for standing by me through all this drama and un-fun stuff!

Tinderbox.

Can I just say that this is probably the single worst week ever for me to have PMS? I mean, Christmas without Swiss, moving 1,200 miles from my family, 20 hours in a car with a dog, relocating to a new place where we don't technically have an address yet. I am an emotional tinderbox right now.

And I am so over it.

I want to be excited, not sad. I want to be giddy, not filled with trepidation and worry. I want to have my cake and eat it too... and that just ain't gonna happen. I am an emotional wreck waiting to happen. I feel like I am one sad commercial, one sappy song, one loaded moment away from a total emotional collapse. I fear the epic meltdown that will likely accompany driving away from my family, straight towards an empty house in a place where I know no one and Swiss isn't due to return for a month or maybe longer. This isn't me. This isn't how I roll. I am strong and am usually able to keep it together. This deployment has put me through the wringer and I didn't fall apart. So why do I feel like I'm about to do just that now?

Maybe this is all a part of the last month & change of a deployment. My tolerance for the bullshit that goes along with deployments is now nil. My patience for this to be over is non-existent. My ability to shoulder the emotional weight is maxed out. And worst of all, I don't want to hold this all in until Swiss gets home. I don't want to do a year's worth of emotional downloading in one fell swoop when he gets home. But I don't know how else to deal with everything that is maniacally swirling through my nugget and piling up in the corners of my mind. I don't want to sweep it under the rug, lock it away and not deal with it- I fear that would leave me jaded and bitter and a more emotionally detached person than I am comfortable being.

The other thing is this: I finally feel like I am giving up my life for the Army. All along I never really felt that way. More than anything I was just following Swiss wherever the Army sent us because that meant we got a life together again, it meant we could be 'normal'. I was always able to focus on that, on the good, the new, the exciting. Now that I am about to drive 1,200 miles away from my family, my friends, my normal and my life... I resent it. I think I am actually angry about it. I hate that I won't be able to go to Summerfest with Beth in July, that I won't get to go fishing and hunting on the Mississippi with my Dad this spring. I hate that I won't be able to see the ones I care about with just a short jaunt in the car. I hate that I don't get to try the new menu items at my favorite restaurant or go with Valerie to more wine tastings there. I hate that I won't get to go to lunch with my Mom and her best friend. I hate that I am going to miss out on so many parts of the life I built. Now, I understand the give and take here. I understand that while I am giving up all of that, I get to live a normal life under the same roof with my husband. That isn't small potatoes by any measure. But I guess I am just bitter that in order to have that, I have to give up everything else.

Do any of you have tips for how to deal with these parts of PCS-ing and reintegration? How to not be bitter about rearranging you whole life for the Army? How to not completely overwhelm your spouse but still manage to deal with the crap you've (both) been through? And one more thing: Is all this normal??? Am I off my rocker? I don't think I could handle being insane too...

That sinking feeling.

You know the feeling when you are handling something all on your own (like a PCS) and have your own game plan that you think best suits your needs and your timeline (since you are doing it totally by yourself and all)? That assurance and calmness that comes with having a plan and solutions to the tasks ahead of you? And you know that feeling when your spouse, who is 7,000 miles away and not PCS-ing with you and has been gone for 11 months then tells you how your plan is flawed and that you should do it a different way?

I hate that feeling. That feeling is usually followed by my head hitting the desk so hard I see stars. And that feeling? I has it.

I hate that discussions about this PCS always leave me feeling like I'm doing it wrong. Not that Swiss isn't supportive, and not that he doesn't do a good job of telling me I'm kicking ass. He does. But the conversations about all the other ways I could be doing it? The talks about why don't you just get down there super early and stay at a hotel? Why don't you do this? Why don't you do it that way? THEY. ARE. KILLING. ME.

I don't want to go down early and stay in temporary lodging with my spastic dog and all of our valuables sitting in a truck bed in the parking lot. I don't want to unpack the truck just to re-pack it 2 days later- by myself. I don't want to leave for Fort X immediately following Christmas. I don't want to turn down this housing and wait until he gets home and hope that we can get back on the list. Don't we all remember how stressful getting this one was? I don't want to re-game plan this now. I want to keep going. And mentioning all the other ways I could/should be doing it? Makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong and wasn't smart enough to figure it out on my own.

I hate the resentment I am feeling for the first time in this deployment. I hate the feeling of frustration and anger and the disheartening, overwhelming sinking feeling of "I can't do this anymore". Of course I will do it. I have to. I'm not a quitter and quite frankly I don't have much of a choice. I won't have a breakdown over it because honestly, if I did? The flood gates of 11 months of million kinds of bullshit will come out and I won't be able to stop it. I don't want to resent my husband. I don't want to walk away from this deployment jaded and angry. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be the person I have become in the last 40 something weeks.

I want to be me again. I want to be us again. And I want this to be over. Like yesterday.

LiveBlogging the PCS: Part 12-ish, or Shoot Me Now.

Okay, so this is it: The Final Countdown. Or so I thought. In actuality, it is just one more asinine speed bump in a process that I am 110% confident doesn't have to be as complicated as the Army has made it. Let me correct that: This situations categorically would NOT be near as complicated if we were choosing to live off post. Which at this point is seeming like a better and better option. Ugh. But I better back up and explain myself...

On one hand: We have housing!

On the other: We can't do a damned thing to prepare, schedule, or arrange our move in. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. And I get to go 7+ days without my stuff in an empty house.

See, I just got off the phone with the office of the housing development we are assigned to. They can tell me that the house we will move into has a fenced in back yard (yay!), but they can't tell me the address until maintenance hands the house back over to them. And they don't know when that will be. And they can't do anything for me or give me any other information until that time. Which, again, they don't know.

None of this would be an issue, other than the fact that all of our stuff is in storage down there. I can't schedule delivery until I have an address. And it takes around 7 days to get your stuff after you've called the office. Yup. 7 days. 7 days with no bed, no TV, no couch, no dishes, no microwave, nothing. With the New Year Holiday throwing in a few (3) extra non-working days... which may very well make that 7 business days more like 10 or 11. Thank Maude I packed an air mattress, shower curtain, sheets and towel.

The other bonus to this situation? They can't actually tell me when I am going to be able to take residency. They told me that the "goal date" for me to get down there (mind you, this is a 20+ hour/2 day drive for me so I can't just *poof* show up there) is still the 29th, but there are no guarantees. So I guess I'm going to have to get some reservations at the on-post lodging? Hooray. And by that I mean not.

I find this all so unbelievably frustrating and beyond ridiculous. Pray tell, why can't they give us the address, if only to be able to schedule delivery of our stuff ahead of time? But then again, why would I want to do that? Camping in my new house with a dog for 7-10 sounds like a riot. And by that I mean not. Good God- what if I had kids??? What if we were a family of 5 trying to move in? And how did anyone ever think this was the best way to do this?

I guess this is one of those "undies-in-a-bundle" Army moments for me. I'm pretty damned understanding of all the bullshit the Army puts us through. But this one? Not at all. We are uprooting our entire lives, our home, everything we own is in storage. I've been living out of suitcases for almost 6 weeks now. I would think the very effing least they could do would be help us make this transition as fast, easy and un-stressful as possible. Instead I'm calling 6 different numbers to the Transportation Office (none of which work) to try to see if this is really how it works and dealing with an uppity and utterly useless contact at the Community Housing Office.

My next calls will be to the Rear D to see if anyone can help. I refuse to believe that this is the status quo and that families moving down there are routinely waiting 7-ish days to get their stuff moved in. I refuse to believe that there is no way I can get the address of our new home ahead of time so that delivery can be scheduled. I refuse to believe that I have to be physically present at Fort X in order to schedule delivery. And I refuse to believe that the Army cares this little about families. But then again, I've been wrong about the Army before.

Ugh. Is this over yet??? Please???

Homesick.

So something interesting has happened this past week. We found out about housing on Tuesday (sorry for the lag in posting) and I got all sorts of giddy about it. Now? I find myself homesick for a place I've never been to. Correction: I've been to Fort X, I've lived in a house in the same housing community we are now assigned to and therefore I know exactly (more or less) what our home will look like. But I've never set foot in the house we will move into at the end of the month. Anyway, yes, I am homesick for a place that never has been home. Weird, I know.

I think maybe, more than anything, I am homesick for the idea of our life there. Swiss will be home. We will have our stuff. Luggage will only be used for trips, not makeshift dressers. I can get a routine going again. I can feel settled again. We can get on with being us. We can have something that is completely ours again.

I'm sure that right now that all sounds and seems way more romantic than it actually is (laundry! cleaning! cable bills!). But it will be ours. And at this point, I can't hardly remember what it was like to live with Swiss. All I can remember is me living alone in my house, going on about my routine, just trying to make the days go by faster. My memories of our "normal" life revolve around makeshift living arrangements and mentally gearing up for a deployment. We were only married 2 months before he deployed (join the crowd, I know). They are memories tinged with fear and worry... that was a time of stress and pressure and the looming uncertainty of the future ahead of us. Things were good with us but there was so much extra drama swirling around us and so much build up for the deployment that it colored everything we did.

I am sure that our new life together at Fort X will have its share of drama and worry and the like. But somehow I am certain that this new home, this new start, this new normal will be so wonderful if only because there won't be a deployment looming and we can just focus on us being us. That is a luxury we haven't had in a long, long time, if ever.

I am so grateful for my family for putting Fletcher and I up for this time. I am thankful that I have such a supportive family who is willing to rearrange everything (sort of) for Swiss and me. But also, I am tired of being an imposition. I am over making it work. I am ready to get back to being my normal independent self. And I am ready to start being a wife again.

I know it will come. It isn't that far away... but these last few months have left me feeling more anxious and disheveled than relieved and excited. Moving in to our new home and getting our life set up again? I think that will go a long way towards getting me excited and thrilled for Swiss coming home.

Housing!

So, wanna hear some good news? We got housing! And not just any housing... the housing we were supposed to get (they tried giving us JNCO housing)! And the move in date? Exactly the one we wanted. Booyah!

I leave for Fort X shortly after Christmas and I will be all moved in (note: I did NOT say unpacked) by New Year's Eve. Hopefully I will have cable/interwebz by then! Gah! I can't put into words how excited I am for this next chapter. I am thrilled to have our own space. I'm stoked to redecorate and (after 4 months in storage) rediscover all the awesome home decor goodies I know I have. I am giddy about getting the house ready for Swiss's return... I am ecstatic about the thought of my own bed again! Hooray!

It is such a great feeling to have something go how it is supposed to go. It was touch and go for a while there, but everything ended up working out just how it was supposed to and that makes me really happy. Now we just have to enjoy the holidays, pack up the truck, and make the 1,000+ mile journey to our new home. I hope Fletcher likes road trips!!!

In other news, Swiss is back on the day shift... just as we were getting our new routine going. Boo! He got a new job that will require him to move locations for the 6th time this deployment (no, I am no exaggerating) and will also require him to be one of the last guy in his division to leave. Double boo! However, all that being said, the tentative dates still put us juuuuuuust under a year so I suppose I can't complain too much. Besides, it wouldn't do me any good!

So, that is all that is new here. I wish I had more gusto and gumption to write more, but that's all I've got for now! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Holiday spirit.

What? You don't have a holiday dog/elf hybrid of your own? Dude, you are totally missing out.

Surging.

Gut reaction? I think it is what we need to do, though I hate what it means for our military family.

I thought President Obama's speech was very good and I think that the goals, time lines, narrow focus and specifics will go a long way to remedy and address the issues that arose in the Iraq war (goals that were too broad, no urgency due to no timeline, etc). I am no analyst, I am no General, but I feel like this decision was reached without undue haste, with deep regard to the cost of our troops and country, and with the wisdom of past failures. This plan will be changed, this plan will have pitfalls... but it will also have successes, it will have results and it will provide a timeline to gauge our progress and to assess changes that need to be made.

If we must be at war, I would rather we be thoughtful and concerned about the outcomes. I would rather we be specific and decisive, not open-ended and vague. I would rather follow a CinC with a clear vision and a complete understanding of all factors at play. In short, I support this surge. Even though we as a military community will bear the burden.

After listening to all of President Obama's speech, I was beyond pleased to find both Swiss's concerns and mine addressed (which at times are quite divergent), and walk away feeling like, finally, we have a POTUS who isn't short-sighted, who sees the big picture and who is willing to engage in thoughtful, concerted, honest dialogue about the issues facing our country, our military, and our world. It's about damned time.

Also, for the record: I cannot tolerate the media, pundits, analysts, politicians (on both sides) and opportunists who took this serious matter, this issue of national and world concern, this commitment of 30,000 of our bravest men and women, and turn it into a chance to up their political stock, extend their 15 minutes of fame, or goad the other side for future electoral gains. Also, when it is obvious within the first 20 seconds of you opening your mouth that you only heard what you wanted to hear, you loose all credibility. Just so you know.

The end.

Military musings.

Ugh. So the surge. THE SURGE. It has already sparked debate in my household... I agree with the plan (this would be the "shitting" portion of my previously held position of "shit or get off the pot") generally speaking... even though I know as well as most of you what this surge means... and I hate the price that we will have to pay for success.

It means extended tours. It means increasing the OpTempo once again. It means tapping into a well that is already running dry. And worst of all, it means that my friends, my military family (and possibly Swiss and I), will have to pay the price... paid with fear, worry, trepidation, loneliness, holidays spent alone, a year without their loved ones, living with the omnipresent cloud of a loved one at war... every day. It will be paid with blood, sweat and tears. It will be paid with lives lost too soon. It will be paid with young widows and children who will never grow up with two parents.

I shudder to think about all of the other families getting ready for this surge. The ones who will leave yet this month... the ones who are getting the calls to ready for deployment. The ones who's hearts sunk when the final word broke today- knowing full well their families would be the ones bearing the burden. The ones who's lives will be put through the ringer (wringer?) in every imaginable way. The ones who will live this next year on the edge of their seats... afraid of the news, the phone ringing, the unfamiliar sedan in front of the house... the ones who will live in fear of the ringing of their doorbell.

But more than anything... watching the CBS News and hearing the reporter say that these troops would be there for "just one year"... my temper flared, my voice rose two octaves and I was using my outside voice inside. JUST ONE YEAR? Just. One. Year. *gasp* I've lived that year. I'm still living it. There is no "just" in one year. That is every holiday spent alone. That is 360-ish nights alone in your large bed meant for two. That is a full year of mowing the lawn, raking every leaf, shoveling every last snowfall alone. That is a full year of involuntary single parenthood. That is countless missed birthdays... missed first steps... missed first anniversaries... missed nights spent like any other normal couple across this country. There is no "just" in a year.

Inevitably, my rant turned into my least favorite (and admittedly touchiest) subject. "They signed up for this." And you know who said it? My parents. My blood began to boil. My rationality went out the window. I KNOW he chose this. But in no way, shape or form does that make this easy or fun or not horrible. And then I was told that "that isn't what I meant, it isn't personal". How could it not be personal? These are real people who have to enact this surge... families torn apart... IT IS, AT IT'S VERY ROOT, PERSONAL. It couldn't not be personal, if for no other reason, because this surge could lead to Swiss's retirement paperwork being denied. Which means he will be part of this surge. Another war. Another deployment. Another round of God Please Just Bring Him Home, every night, every day. How much more personal could it be?

I don't think I will ever get over how disconnected the American public is from this military lifestyle and all it entails. I understand that living it gives one a unique understanding an outsider could never match (Maude knows I didn't get it until I lived it). But I don't see how the general public can be so flippant about it. "Its their job." "Its about time." "They should send more" ... I want to shout that there aren't more to send.... they can't keep this up... this is taking its toll in ways you can't even begin to fathom!!! But I know, no matter how I say it, it will fall on deaf ears... because it isn't their spouse. It isn't their kid. It isn't their sibling. And it isn't their concern. It's just another talking point... another way to grade a President... another game to armchair quarterback. And it isn't personal.

So, to all of you who are or will be touched by this: May your loved ones come home safely, may this conflict end swiftly and without loss, and may your family, friends and whomever you pray to give you the comfort, support, love and reassurance you need. And know that I will be here for you.

Lacking substance.

Dudes. I do not know what is up with my posting lately. I sort of feel like I can't gather my thoughts well enough to put any of them into a post of any pertinence whatsoever. It all comes out as whiny drivel. And that annoys me. When you annoy yourself you know you are doing something wrong, am I right?

But I digress.

This new routine (or lack thereof) has been a bit of a trip to get into (and by that I mean it's been HARD). New home, new schedule, people to work and live around, plus Swiss has had a new schedule and a variable one at that so it has been hard to get into a routine. I like routines... they seem to make the days go by faster. I think, if anything, this latest chapter in the deployment has helped me realize just how much I thrive on routine. Not that uber-anal-down-to-the-last-detail routine... just the sort of hey-this-is-my-plan routine. Of course I know routines change, whatever routine I get myself into when I get down to Fort X will inevitably change with Swiss's return. And it will change again when, God willing, Swiss retires from Army life. But I think all of that I can deal with, because it will be on my (our) terms. Not me trying my best to fit into someone else's routine.

Also, we are about to embark on an Army journey new to both of us... retirement. EVERYONE: KNOCK ON WOOD!!! Swiss puts in his papers this week. We will likely have to wait a month-ish to find out if we got approved or if we are in for another year, which also means in for another deployment (A'stan, obvs). I don't know if I should be optimistic or prepare for the worst. I don't know if our odds are anywhere near as good as we think they are. I don't know if I am really, truly prepared for it to not get approved. I don't know what the prospect of another deployment would do to me, to him, to us. We've been so focused on the future, the post-Army life, the general notion that he will get approved that if things didn't go our way- it would be a pretty devastating blow to both of us. But here we sit, waiting. Hurry up and wait. But rest assured, when the paperwork comes through, y'all will hear about it fast.

And tomorrow marks the last full calendar month that Swiss and I will have to be apart. Some days I felt like it would never come. I am so glad it is here, but also... what the hell took so long? A good friend recently had her homecoming. Another is about 2-ish weeks ahead of us. I am so excited for them, for us. But man, this is a long time coming. And it isn't going by fast enough!

Also, we still don't have housing on post. I'm hoping for word this week... mostly because I just want to have this planned and crossed off my list. Seriously. Swiss says I shouldn't worry because he got housing within a week when he first PCS'd down there. Nay, I say! My luck isn't that good! And I don't have the uniform card to play, which I am certain adds an air of urgency and importance. I'm just an Army Wife... on the phone. But hopefully we will get some digs and an address and a move in date and that will go a long way to restoring what little sanity I have left!

Oooh, and here's a fun one to add in just for kicks... (and peeps who actually know me, don't be upset you are reading about this here, if it ended up being serious you would have heard first-hand, PROMISE) I had a pretty wicked health scare this week. Which is totally what this deployment was missing! Friday night I found a lump on the back of my neck. Then Saturday morning I found a second lump. Being a cytotech by trade, I freaked out right away and figured I either had lymphoma or metastatic something-or-other. I. Was. Terrified. So I went to the doctor Saturday and saw a specialist today. I've been reassured that they aren't worrisome and are likely reactive lymph nodes processing a virus. I have to watch them and if they aren't better in two weeks they are going to cut them out. No jokes. But like I said, they aren't at all concerned and I've been given a clean bill of health. So yay for not having cancer!!!

I wish I had something more witty and pithy and, you know, helpful or useful to write, but there you have it. My life in a nutshell: No routine, pending retirement, last full month, no house and no cancer! Let's hope this week is a better one!

Thanksgiving.

So, this is my obligatory Thanksgiving post... HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!

Okay, that's out of the way now. I've been decidedly "Bah Humbug" about all of the holidays and pre-holiday cheer. Not that I'm not thankful for my family, my amazing friends, the awesome support you've all given me, for Swiss, for our health, for life -all in all- being pretty great. But also, I'm tired. I am tired and weary and so very blase about all of it... this deployment, missing Swiss, doing the holiday thing "alone". I think I was pretty naive about the holidays going into this deployment. Nope, check that, I know I was. Somewhere along the line I think I figured that since we would be so, so close to the end of the deployment by the time the holidays rolled around I'd be fine with it.

News flash: I'm not.

I don't mean to be all Debbie Downer about it all because I do have a lot to be thankful for and I do have a great family that is doing its best to keep me entertained and cheerful during this last chunk of the deployment. Its just that, somehow, being so close to the end has magnified the suck of being away from Swiss this holiday season. Oh well. Can't change it, right? And next year will be better. And we are almost done with this. And, after all, at least I have someone as amazing as Swiss to miss during this time. How was that for a pep talk?

Anyway, after all that mopey drivel... I really, truly want to say a heartfelt THANK YOU to each and every one of you, dear readers. You've brought kindness, wisdom, humor, support, and new friendships to my life this past year plus and I am SO grateful for all of you. So go enjoy this holiday season with the ones you love, and if you are in the same boat as me... know that next year will be better! Promise!

So have a stellar Thanksgiving... eat a lot, watch TV, and laugh til you can't anymore. And Thank You!

Love,
Tucker

Funkytown.

This part where I miss my husband so much it hurts and can't stand the thought of another day where my life isn't my own again... the part where I don't have a home, don't have freedom, don't have my (or our) normal... the part where I live by someone else's rules, where I feel like a teenager in my parents home, where I just want my life back... I hate it.

I want this to be over. I want to feel normal again. I want my life back. I want Swiss back.

Sorry for the lack of posting lately- I'm in a funk and rather than bore you all to death with my funkified drivel, I've been keeping quiet. Hope you are all doing well and Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

LiveBlogging the PCS: Part Eleventy-million.

Ugh. The housing. So we've been on the official wait list since round about August... I wanted to be ahead of the curve and at the top of the list when the time came. I sent about 10 different documents, navigated the most un-user-friendly housing application site, signed away our first born child and then waited. And waited.

This week the waiting is over. I called down to the Fort X housing office and, after a few of the good old "No, call this person." "No, not that person, THIS person." "No, you need to talk to the first person you were in contact with 4 months ago.", I got the guy. And then I had to send 4 more documents, sign away our 2nd through 6th born children and I got us a house. But not really. I got offered a house in below grade housing which isn't soooo bad, but is way far away from Swiss' work so not idea. Also? 2 story. No thanks. But don't think me picky... the real reason I said no was that even though (all along) I've asked for a move in date after Christmas, this move in date was the 17th of December. Which means Christmas all alone in a new place. No family, no husband, no friends. No thanks... I might be a tough Army wife, but I ain't that tough!

Thankfully my housing liaison dude is awesome (and understanding) and he said he'd keep an eye out in the next two weeks for not only a better date, but a house in our preferred community. These, my friends, are the benefits to getting on the list super duper early (which means at the current moment we are at the tippy top of the list) and calling 2 weeks prior to the "suggested" time of 1 month pre-move in (this is what gave us the two weeks to wait for something better). Those Girl Scouts were right... Be Prepared!!!

So my message to you about to embark on your own journey to procuring On-Post housing? Do it early. Get your paperwork in months ahead of time if you can. Build a relationship with your housing liaisons. Be nice (this one is extra important). And do everything about two weeks sooner than they tell you to.

I'll keep y'all posted as to how it turns out. Cross your fingers for us and hopefully by this time next week I'll have a new address in a new location that makes us all happy... with a good move-in date to boot!

Sundays and unemployed life.

So, Swiss is back with the unit and healthy and doing well, which in turn means that I am doing well also. Those nerves and angsty feelings? I can do without those for sure. It is Sunday morning, which is usually a wonderfully lazy day that you relish, and it turns out that when you are unemployed... Sunday is just like any other day. Which is both awesome and weird. But I digress.

We are closing in on the date that I pack up all of our stuff and the mutt and embark on a 20+ hour drive to our new home at Fort X. I am geeked! Tomorrow I get to call our Housing Liaison to get our move in date scheduled, decide (if that's an option) which housing community to reside in, and get an appointment to have our stuff moved in to the new abode. And once I have all of that? Then I'll be able to get a reservation for temporary lodging and all that goodness. I am so geeked. All of this stuff seemed soooooo far away for so long. Now, it is really here! All the stuff I wrote on my calendar so many months ago are popping up left and right. And it is AWESOME.

Otherwise life at home with the parents is good. Strange, but good. I'm looking forward to the holidays and time with friends, but I'm also looking forward to my own bed, my own bathroom and not living out of a suitcase. This Army life of ours has ended up being quite surreal. Ask me if I foresaw myself living with my parents again on my way to a new state sans husband 5 years ago. Ha! I would have laughed you right out of the room.

Anyway, that is enough rambling for now. Off to drink more coffee and watch Food TV with my Mom. Hope you all have a super weekend and were able to watch "How We Get By". I cried a lot knowing Swiss has been through that airport and benefit ted from those wonderful people's generosity and heart at least 3 times now. I'm pretty sure you can donate to their cause too if you have the giving spirit... take care and enjoy your Sunday!

Pixielicious.

So it might have taken me like 30 minutes to get this photograph because I am clinically un-photogenic, but me likey. Also, it only takes me about 3.5 minutes to dry and style it. And it stays that way all day. Awesomeness.


Oh, and one more thing... Swiss thinks it's hawt. Sweet!

Odds 'n ends...

First things first: Happy Veteran's Day. Take a moment to celebrate all of our veterans, present and past, to thank them for all they have done and to recognize how lucky we all are to have brave, honorable men & women who are willing to fight for all that is good and right.

Second: Watch "The Way We Get By" tonight on your local PBS station. I've heard all about it but this is the first time I'll be able to watch it. I've got my Kleenex ready. Check out this site to learn about this amazing movie (you will need the Kleenex to watch the trailer too, so consider yourself warned) and this site to find out what channel to watch it on in your area and what time. Also, way to go PBS... broadcasting this movie is not only the honorable thing to do, it is the right thing to do. I hope you tell everyone you know to watch this movie tonight.

Third: I am lopping off all my hair today. Pictures will follow.

Fourth: Swiss is recovering nicely and feeling a million times better. There will be a conversations with the FRG and PTB (powers that be) when I get to Fort X about how this sort of information is disseminated, how much information is given out and so forth. The FRG did what it was designed to do, but the content was all wrong. I'm less mad now, knowing that Swiss is okay, but I would hate for another spouse to have to go through the same mess I did. Also, I would encourage all of you to not have your BiL's and step-kids on your Facebook account no matter how cool they seem. Recipe. For. Disaster.

The end. Now, go hug a Veteran (maybe not a stranger, but hug a Veteran you know).

Update: Swiss

Well, that chain of communication was a (well intentioned) big, fat fail. Turns out Swiss never actually had surgery... he's just been getting IV antibiotics and bed rest all this time. Sleeping. Hence the lack of calls.

And here I thought he was in some sort of induced coma while a man-eating bacteria was eating him inside out. Seriously.

So yes, he is recovering and doing well. He finally got un-attached from his IV bags (yes, there were multiple) and was able to call me. I almost cried when I heard his voice. But I had my big-girl britches on and kept it together. But now he is fine, still recovering, and I ended up being the one to give the Colonel his update. How bass ackwards is that I ask?

But I digress... thanks to all of you for your kind words, good juju and support. We can all breathe a bit easier now.

Sigh. Deployment? You can feel free to be over any time now... just sayin'.

Le sigh.

Just when I thought this deployment couldn't possibly throw another wonky bag of bricks my way... I find out that Swiss had surgery while in the sandbox. After the fact.

He called last night to tell me that they were checking him into the hospital there to take care of an issue that started (though seemed so innocent and not a big deal) while he was home on R&R. That was the last I heard. So, naturally, I spent the whole night wringing my hands, worrying, fretting over his status. I didn't hear from him today so I sent an e-mail off to the FRG. Thank God for our awesome FRG leader... I had a response from the Lt. Colonel within 2 hours. And they told me that he had just gotten out of surgery and was recovering well.

You heard that right. I found out he had surgery AFTER THE FACT. My husband went under the knife, under anesthesia, the whole works and not a single soul thought to call and inform me. Seriously.

I want to be mad about it. I want to figure out how this oversight happened. I want answers. But more than all of that... I want to hear from Swiss himself that he is okay. So I wait and wring hands and fret all over again.

Ugh. Deployment, you can suck it. For reals.

I'll keep y'all posted about his condition but I have no real reason to think he isn't recovering nicely. But if you feel like it, toss some good juju his way, okay? Thanks.

The new, new normal?

Gaw. How many new normals does a girl have to have in a year? Srsly. So I am now back in the land of beer and cheese, home in Wisconsin. I'm still living out of a suitcase. My Mac has a new, decidedly more surly attitude (aka: it won't start). And I am living with my parents. Yep. Almost 31 and living with my parents. Thank Maude it is only for 2 months. But hey, Fletcher was super geeked to see me when I walked in the door.

I'm still trying to readjust to this new routine. The one that doesn't involve Swiss anymore (a fact that majorly sucks and I still haven't gotten over yet). The one where I don't have personal space anymore. The one where I have to bring clothes into the bathroom when showering because I can't walk around the house nekkid anymore. The one where, even though it is home, I'm still a visitor. And I still get scolded by my mom. The one where I don't have a job or specific tasks to do every day other than hit up the gym (Couch to 5K here I come!). The one where I sort of, kind of, a little bit feel like I'm adrift in a great big blue sea of nothing... in an inner tube.

But it has its perks too, this new, new normal. There are people here. People that live in the house I live in and talk to me. Way less solitary. There are people that cook for me. No more cereal or toast for dinner! There are things to do. My ever industrious mom constantly comes up with things to do, places to see, people to meet. Its good. I'm waiting for Swiss to get where he's going so that we too can get on with our new, new normal routine. The standard phone call times, the e-mails, the web-cams.

Mostly, I'm waiting for things to hurry up and get done so that it can be just after Christmas and get on my way down to our new home at Fort X. To start up our new, new, new normal. Because, apparently, for us MilSpouses one or two new normals just ain't enough.

Fort Hood.

Fort Hood is a place Swiss and I are quite familiar with... I won't go into the details of our relationship to Fort Hood because they aren't important... but my heart is breaking for those who were lost in this senseless, horrific and terrifying crime. I can't understand how this happened. I can't understand how someone would or could do this to their own.

As I watch the news, I think back to my emotional state, where my head was at, my fears and concerns as Swiss was preparing for his deployment... as he was making his way through the same preparations as the soldiers who lost their lives were doing yesterday. Never in my deepest, darkest thoughts would I have worried about something like this. I can't fathom the pain and angst and heartbreak of those families. I can't imagine the distrust, betrayal, the rage of those service members. And I can't understand why. Why???

If you are in or around the Fort Hood area... please do all you can to help. Donate blood if you can (OIF/OEF vets cannot donate), find a family in need and do whatever you can, call up anyone you know there to make sure they are okay. And send all of your prayers, good juju, karma, whatever to the families who are dealing with pain I cannot imagine.

What I know and what I don't.

I know that we only have somewhere around three-ish months left now that Swiss is headed back to theatre. I know that the countdown has begun and that we are technically short-timers. I know that three-ish months is a piece of cake in the grand scheme of things. I know that the worst of it is behind us. I know that we are doing wonderfully and that we will get through this with flying colors. I know that I can do this and I can handle the relatively little time that we have left apart because I've already done it and done it well for 8.5 months. I know that this is the last time (knock on wood) we have to do this. I know all of this. Really, I do.

But Good Maude. This is still so effing hard. I don't know why I didn't think it would be. I don't know why I wasn't prepared for how much this hurts. Swiss and I have spent the better part of our relationship saying goodbye. In fact, I'm reasonably certain we've spent more time apart than we have together (which really should be more disturbing than I find it). Shouldn't I be used to this? Shouldn't it get easier? Shouldn't I have figured out by now how to cope with this?

Today has been so much harder than I thought it would be. It is so completely different than any other time he's had to leave. It is certainly different than when he first left for the sandbox... that one was the worst by far (as you all know). It doesn't feel so foreboding, so menacing, so long. But it does feel like I've been punched in the gut, chewed up and spit out, gutted. I feel empty and kind of lost. Like my world has been upended yet again... I suppose it has. I feel the raw emotions that are almost like those of a break-up... that fresh, searing hurt because you can't possibly imagine life without that person in it. Like you can't breathe and can't figure out how you'll go on. And it is the kind of emotional tsunami that crashes over you when you least expect it. An hour plus driving in the car? I was fine. Hop in the shower? Meltdown. Moving his bag of dirty ACU's? Fine. Thinking about how long it will be before his arms are around me again? Meltdown. Typing this in a hotel lobby? Meltdown.

I guess I just didn't think that this would be so hard. I though I was tougher. I thought that since we had knocked out so much of this deployment already, dealt with goodbyes so many times before (albeit in different circumstances), mentally prepared myself for what this would be like... I thought that I would be okay. Its just that I don't feel okay right now. Not even close.

I know I will be okay. I know I'll find my groove and get back into the old new routine. I know he will be home "soon" and that with the holidays coming up and the move to Fort X the time should fly by. But as far as I'm concerned? It won't be soon enough. And I wish I knew how to make this empty, gut-wrenching hurt go away.

One is the loneliest number.

For two weeks I let myself forget how solitary life has been. I let myself forget how much it sucks to do it all alone. I let myself remember how much better everything is when we are together. I let myself get wrapped up in how wonderful Swiss is, how amazing life is when we are together.

I let myself feel whole again and it was spectacular.

And now I am back to one. My heart hurts today. I feel empty and un-whole and sad. And I want this to be over.

I want Swiss back. Badly.