Yes!

Lopsided Mom... I am stealing your idea. This is an OpEd piece that I say YES! to.

Send ROTC back to School.

We are practicaly denying the brightest most driven students out there the opportunity to serve... we never ask them. The only way to really be a student and a soldier is to go ROTC. These programs are so great and they give these students opportunities they cannot get elsewhere. They get to work with soldiers, commissioned and enlisted, who can teach them more than just what they find in books. But they need to have access to this, they need to have these programs on campus. There's simply no other way.

"Imagine asking a 21-year-old: “How would you like to go somewhere where you are the only person who is capable of helping?” My students were desperate to serve their country in some way. We owe it to them to offer the armed forces as a realistic option."

If you were the CinC, if you were Army or Navy or Air Force or Marine Brass, woudn't you want these kids fighting for you too? Wouldn't you want these minds working out the issues, fixing the problems, leading? I know I would.

But... here's the bigger issue...

"At Yale, which has supplied more than its share of senators and presidents, almost none of my former classmates or students ever noticed the absence of uniforms on campus. In a nation at war, this is a disgrace. But it also shows how dangerously out of touch the elites who shape our national policy have become with the men and women they send to war."

Truer words have rarely been spoken. And I hope President Obama does something to change it. Only he has the power now.

Soapbox.

This is my Soapbox. I am going to get on it and shout about and an maybe, just maybe someone will listen and help do something. These are the headlines that are breaking my heart:

"More Army Suicides Than Combat Deaths Reported in January"

"Army suicide rate could top nation's this year"

"Army Suicides Rise Sharply-January Figures Up Six-Fold From Same Time in 2008"

"Army official: Suicides in January 'terrifying''

Not to mention the series of articles Salon.com is running this week. Read here and here. Seriously. Stop right now and go read them. Come back when you are done.

"Nobody is willing to help anybody," he said about his experience at Fort Carson after returning from Iraq. "You have to understand. We are just pieces of equipment."

If that doesn't make you ill, perhaps nothing will. Except maybe this:

Yes, a soldier left a stack of these at the sign-in desk at the Doctor's office at Fort Carson. How can anyone get help, get better, in this environment?

And here is what the Army has to say for itself:

Col. Elspeth Ritchie, the Army's top psychiatrist, ticks off a series of initiatives to improve Army mental healthcare, including the hiring of 250 new mental health providers through civilian contracts and more than 40 marriage and family therapists since the spring of 2007. Ritchie said an August 2007 Army directive ensures PTSD screenings for soldiers with disciplinary problems so serious the Army wants them out. She added that the Army surgeon general issued a memo in May 2008 requiring additional review of any diagnoses short of PTSD to make sure the Army gets it right. "We've really tried to enhance our access to care," she said in a telephone interview.

All well and good, but 250 mental health providers extra? 40 marriage counselors extra? For how many troops? How many families? As of 2007 there were 538,128 men and women serving active duty.

When will this epidemic stop? What will it take for the attitudes and environments to change? When will we stop treating these brave men and women like equipment and realize that these experiences, these wars, these emotional and physical tolls they pay are breaking them?

I will be writing more on this later... but I wanted to give it the attention is deserves.

I love you Alexander Graham Bell.

What a difference a phone call makes.

Swiss called this morning... we actually got to talk. Really talk. Not just 5 or 10 minutes of catching each other up and saying our I love you's. We got to talk about how things are going over there (and found out some disappointing information about his leadership... but that's another post), talk about our future, talk about anything & everything. It left me feeling recharged, happy, like I really can do this.

And of course I always could do this, I always have had it in me to get through this. It's just that sometimes it feels like a lot. It feels unfair, it feels frustrating, it feels lonely. It feels like we have a long way to go- and we do.

But today? Today I am good.

The mass media edition.

I have always been a bit on the sappy side. I have been known to cry during episodes of Sex and the City, so let's not even talk about the really emotional stuff. And I am a sucker for those dreamy, heartfelt, emotional songs on the radio. But usually I can reign it in. I don't cry in public... I don't like being that girl.

Well, I cried in a Goodwill this week. Yes, Goodwill. My Mom and I went in there looking for vases and while she was checking out the sappy song on the overhead muzak channel made me cry. Seriously. Now I am that girl. Bah.

I couldn't watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tonight because I was teary in the first 3 minutes. I even tried to go back a while into it, nope, instant mistiness. (It didn't help that the woman's husband died... duh. Probably not a smart choice...)

Anyway, I have been relegated to watching an America's Next Top Model marathon. Heck, next week I will probably be watching Rock of Love Bus. Apparently I can't HANDLE the sappy. Oh well, what I save in Kleenex I will make up for in mushy brain bits. I'm hoping Swiss will find them endearing.

Newsletter: Week 52

Yes, I am totally stealing this idea from Dooce. But I thought it might be interesting to sum up the 52 (+/-) weeks of this deployment. Sort of like a raw "Here's how it really went down" thing to look back on, no sugar coating way to document life, as it were, during the deployment. So here it goes...

Dear Swiss,

This week sucked. It started when you left and it hasn't stopped, though it has gotten better. It is a terrible feeling sending you off, sending you into harm's way, knowing I won't see you for so very long. I couldn't get over the feeling that our goodbye wasn't good enough, that I didn't say the things I wanted to and that I didn't hug or kiss you one more time... however I suspect that nothing could have made that goodbye good. God willing, we will never have to do it again. We drove back to our house on post and I cried all the way home. I don't like it there without you in it. I don't like it here without you. Apparently, you make lots of things better... like... well, everything. But at some point I got up and started moving. There was packing to be done after all. So I packed and cleaned and missed you terribly. By Monday we were finished and checked out of housing, easy as pie. Goodbye Fort X, for now. See you in a year...

We hit the road in your trusty truck and headed North. That drive is a lot less fun without you and your funny singing and random topics of conversation (no offense mom- you did a great job keeping me entertained too!). Anyway, we stayed in Wichita Monday night and made it home by Tuesday night. And again, I find that home is a foreign place without you in it. It is going to take some time to get used to not seeing you there, not having 2 towels hanging on the bathroom door, not having a co-pilot on the sofa, not having someone to cook for, having all that empty space on the other side of the bed... the list goes on... But this is how it is, for now.

My Mom stayed for the rest of the week. It was good having some company, someone to just be around and talk to... I never was one for cold turkey. But things here are okay. I will go back to work this week on Wednesday, which will be strange after 2 months off. I rather liked unemployed life, however I suspect that working will go a long way in keeping me busy and helping the time to pass. We spent some time with your Mom & Dad too, they miss you but are so proud of you! Things are pretty much the same here as when we left in November... it will be interesting to see how much things will change this year.

In other news, we got a puppy! The one you and I looked at before you left... I named him Fletcher, that's one of the names you picked out and it suits him very well. (He's passed out on the floor next to me as I write this.) He is sweet and quirky, just like us, and you are going to love him... I can't wait for you to meet him! He is a total goof and loves to play... he thinks the back yard is the best thing ever with all the birds and squirrels, I can't wait to see what he does with our dream 20 acres someday. He is a good snuggler too, not near the caliber of you, but pretty good. He is definitely a perfect addition to our family. I just wish you and I could have done all this together... it sucks that we have to do all these 'firsts' as a married couple uncoupled.

Anyway, this week seemed like a monumental task to complete. And I am so glad it is over... only 51-ish more to go! You and I have been able to talk about every other day, so I can't complain too much there. It is always sooooo good to hear your voice and know that you are doing well, find out what you are up to, and tell you how very much I love you & miss you. I just wish we could stretch those 5 or 10 minutes out longer, it never seems like enough time to tell you everything I want to say, the bad connections never help either. But I digress. You are staying very busy and enjoying work, which is great.

I am hoping that the next week will go by faster and that you will find out what your assignment will be and where you will actually be, then I can send you the care package that is all ready and waiting for you! But know that I am doing fine, I miss you like crazy, but I am okay. I've been so lucky to have such great friends and so much support, so there is nothing to worry about here at home. This isn't easy, but it is getting easier.

So be safe, be strong, and come home soon. 51 to go.

Your girl,
Tucker

One week and a new addition.

ONE WEEK!

Phew! Hooray for me! Hooray for Swiss! Hooray for this whole thing finally getting started... and for being one week closer to it all being done!

It has been one helluva week, that is for certain. Between sending Swiss off, packing up the house, driving cross country and moving back in... all the while missing Swiss more than I have ever missed anyone or anything ever. So much it hurts.

But, I am lucky because a) I have someone I care that much about, b) I've been able to talk to him 4 or 5 times already, c) he is someplace safe and his job is keeping him as far away from harm as I could ever dare hope, and d) I have great friends and family to help get me through this. Oy vey. I'm so very glad this first week is over!

And in other news, we got ourselves a puppy! Swiss and I looked into adopting a dog before he left and we found a sweet dog that looked perfect for us... we just had to hope he would still be available when we (I) got back home. Well, we made the trek up to the Big City and sure enough, he was still there and now he is asleep on the living room floor. Swiss is going to love him!

Meet Fletcher:

Let's just add more suck to the pile.

Against my better judgement, here's another family post. I am so angry and disappointed I could cry... but sometimes some people just don't deserve your tears.

Just before Swiss left for the Sandbox, we finally got things straightened out and taken care of in regards to Swiss Jr. We got his custody switched to Swiss's brother, since the Ex said she just couldn't take him and didn't want him anymore (what kind of parent doesn't want her own child anymore?). Swiss Jr. was doing so much better too... better in school, better attitude, better in general. And then, the first weekend after Swiss deployed, he spent it with his Mom and now he wants to go back to her... the woman who didn't want him just 3 months ago. Heavens only knows what she promised him.

It is all very disappointing... he's almost 14 so we can't make him do the right thing. At some point you can only do so much... he's got to want to do the rest. He has now turned his back on both his father and his uncle, and hurt them both so much. He has turned his back on everyone who wants the best for him, everyone who was willing to do anything and everything to help him. But this is his decision and the courts will back it because he is old enough in their eyes.

The thing I can't come to grips with is telling Swiss. I have to tell him, I don't want to be the one keeping secrets and being elusive... he had to deal with that enough last deployment with his Ex. But I want to protect him from this hurt, this disappointment. I don't want him to worry about it, I want him to focus and be in the now while he is over there. I think I will tell him when things are finalized, that way there won't be extra weeks agonizing over something he can do nothing to fix. I don't know.

I need help with this one. How do I do this?

Home and other things.

I am 'home'.

It is all very surreal... this deployment stuff. I suspect that I will have plenty to say in the near future about all of this. For now, I feel sort of empty. Maybe hollow is a better word.

Things are a little better now, nearly a week out, than they were just a few days ago. That first night was unbearable... not knowing if he got there okay, the empty spot in bed, the knowledge that we were SO far away from this all being over, the hurt. I think I cried harder that night than I ever have before. Nope, I know I did.

It is both good and bad to be home now. In some regards I am happy to be back here, to get a routine going, to get back to as close to normal as I can. In other ways, it hurts all the more. This is our house. This is where we first got to hang out at my house-warming party, where he asked me out on our first date, where we had our first kiss, our first Thanksgiving and Christmas, where we made so many memories... where we got married. He is everywhere here and I can't look anywhere without missing him, I can't look at a single wall without seeing his smiling face and right now that is like a punch in the gut. It brings all of those emotions hiding just below the surface bubbling up and then I can't help but cry.

But I am doing better, and as a friend said, even when it feels like I can't do this... I AM doing it. And that counts for something.

Thanks for all the kind words and well wishes... it means the world to me.

Blip.

Here I am... I am a blip on the radar.

Thank you- from the bottom of my heart- for all the well wishes and hugs and, generally, everything. Thanks for understanding how much this sucks. Because I seriously don't have the words to discribe it.

He is there safe and I am in Wichita. It still hurts like hell. I miss him more than I can comprehend, but I can breathe easier knowing he is safe and they finally got their assignment.

I will write more when I get home.

Thank you, truly for everything. But mostly, thank you for keeping him in your thoughts & prayers... he's the one who needs them most.

And now it starts

Swiss has left to do his duty, to make this world a better place, and to do great things. Off to make us all proud, off to be the great soldier and man he is, and off to get sweaty, dirty and sandy. I miss him like hell already and my heart is heavy.

That was one hell of a Band-Aid.

So, my deployment cherry has officially been popped and in case you were wondering, no, I didn't do it with any grace or dignity at all. I was a red-eyed, teary, snotty mess. (Still am.)

Did I mention that I miss him? God, do I ever.

Thankfully, the countdown can finally start. 365,52,12... from here on out they will only get smaller. That is a very good thing.

Anyway, I must pack up our home here on post and go back to the real world meaning I will be off the radar for a few days. So, this is Tucker signing off once again. Thanks for all of your support and kindness... please keep Swiss in your prayers.

Love,
Tucker

Aaarrrrggggghhhhh!

I didn't need to read this tonight but I saw it and wanted to get it out there. I don't know how one goes about finding out which plates are under the recall... I just hope and pray to God that Swiss's isn't one of them. Bah. The Army gets a Do Better on this one. Seriously.

All over the map.

That is what I am. All over the map.

The emotional roller coaster is in full effect with D-Day looming, nee breathing down our necks. One minute I am fine, the next I am fighting to hold back tears. One minute I am laughing and living up every last minute to the fullest, the next I can't stop the tears and they begin rolling down big, fat trails across my face. I know I blogged about this before... only now it is on steroids.

I know there is no rhyme or reason to this. I know there is no norm... nor is there a right or wrong. But I wish I could get a grip. Anyway, we are getting closer to being able to count down and get this par-tay started. So, wish us luck, wish me a wee bit of grace, and wish for Swiss a safe journey and safer tour.

Purple hearts.

Thanks to Lopsided Mom, I just read this article about PTSD and Purple Hearts. Sehr interessant indeed. (that's German by the way.)

I am curious to know what people think about this. I think it is a great idea, but I realize that it is a complex and complicated issue. See, Swiss has a Purple Heart. He got shot during a rather intense gunfight in a mosque. The bullet is still in his leg... they never removed it for fear of causing more damage. And Swiss has told me tales of folks who have 'faked' PTSD. (Or at least his estimation of 'faked')

Generally these stories involve folks who never experienced combat, never were in the thick of it, never were faced with the especially grim and at times horrifying aspects of war. On one case, he cited someone who simply heard a wounded soldier screaming in pain, then claimed PTSD. Here's where it gets tricky... from a guy like Swiss's perspective (ie: foot patrols every day, seeing friends die or get wounded, being faced with killing people, being physically wounded yourself, etc.) I can see how that would be deemed 'faking'. I get it, 110%.

But the scientist in me knows that not everyone is the same. Not everyone has the mental fortitude and ability for compartmentalization that a guy like my husband has (not to imply that anyone with mental/psychological issues is not mentally strong- I fully understand that it is so much more than that). I realize that, for some people, all it takes to forever alter how you see things, how you cope with things, is the blood-curdling scream of a fellow soldier. For some, perhaps, the events that 'trip the trigger' are less than those that other soldiers have experienced or seen and not had any issues. But does that then make it any less real? Does it make it any less valid? Does it make the wound any less painful?

And how, truly, can one know if it is real? Does it take a massive event, a visibly obvious reaction to a stimulus? Does it take the dissolution of marriages and estrangement of family and friends? Where do you draw that line?

I do know that the Army is taking steps to better understand this, to better understand and better identify potential issues when soldiers come home. Swiss had to undergo a series of brain function tests before this deployment, so that they would have a base-line understanding of his brain (can I get a copy?) should he have psychological issues when he comes home -God forbid. I applaud this action, I applaud the proactive tests which give validity and serious weight to the issue of PTSD.

But I ask you, what do you think of the idea of a Black Heart?

Boycott.

Okay. Enough Army stuff. I am boycotting the Army-Deployment-Suck-Embracing stuff for just a bit today. You will see why.

In the course of the last 24 hours these things have happened here at the Tucker & Swiss homestead:

I overfilled the sink, resulting in a foamy mess in the kitchen (note: I honestly have never done this before.) Nice, right?

It got cold, foggy and misty outside, which sucks, but makes for pretty pictures. This is our backyard... it is home to about 100 vultures. I know, I know. You are totally jealous.

Swiss and I bought a truly gross bottle of wine, Rieslings are supposed to be light and sweet, not a replacement for household cleaners. And doesn't it make you mad when you spend money on something that tastes like swill? From now on I will only let Swiss buy the wine. He has waaaay better luck than me.

We also went fossil hunting near our on post housing and found all of these... those top two are bigger than my fist! I like fossils. It made me feel like a kid again, and I needed that.

And lastly, when it was still warm out, I got this picture of a moth with my new telephoto lens. Sweet.

The end.

Home stretch.

We are now in the home stretch and, man, is this deployment looming. Looming is a funny word. But yes, it is the 500 lb. gorilla in the room. A big, stinky, hairy gorilla.

I have read the stories about women who get to the point where they just want the deployment to start already. I read those stories 6 months ago. I couldn't understand it. Not one bit. I thought, how could these women want their husbands to leave? How could they wish the deployment would start sooner? ARE THEY MAD? Nope, I couldn't fathom it at all.

And here I sit, 6 months removed from when we first learned of the deployment and first read those stories, just wishing it would get started already. Talk about full circle.

I think Swiss and I are simply ready to get things going, instead of waiting, waiting, waiting. Not that I want to see him go any sooner than he has to (but don't get me started on the clearing/flagging process the Army has... you'd think the folks on post have never done this "Fit for Duty" thing before by the looks of it. Bah!) and not that I want to have less time with him. Don't misunderstand me. I just want to get on with this so that it can get over with sooner.

I am weary of anticipating the goodbye. I am tired of preparing to be sad and/or lonely. I am just so over staring at that stinky, hairy gorilla every day and every night.

Public service announcement.

This is a public service announcement to let everyone know that my bestest college bud Beth is the smartest person ever. And she is wicked cool to boot! Plus, now she is famous.

Check this out... I know that Wisconsin programs to boost college attendance aren't every one's bag, but it is a great article and Beth is super smart and awesome and I totally have to brag her up. I mean, com on, this is good stuff, and it is in the CHICAGO TRIBUNE! Awesomeness.

"We think it would lead to more kids going to college by tapping a group that isn't accessing college at the level we feel is possible," Stransky said. "A state investment of dollars would really give the Covenant meat. It would make it more than just a symbolic action."

Smarty. Pants. Anyways, Kudos to you Sporty Spice!

Nothing to say.

I am out of things to say right now.
Time is short and so are tempers.
I am not a soldier and I am tired of being expected to act like one.

Emotions are running high and I just don't have it in me to write about it. I am drained right now. I promise to write more when the tanks are full again.

For now, this is Tucker signing off.

PS: Swiss brought me flowers when he came home from lunch. Swoon. This afternoon has been better... this morning was awful rough. Thanks for the support ladies.

(PPS: This is a big day for our country... regardless of how you voted, I hope you wish only the best for this administration because their success means success for us and for this great place we proudly call home. Make the changes in yourself and we can all start down a new and better path. Sis B said it best. Enjoy this historic day everyone...)

Single digit midget.

I am anxiously awaiting the day, about a year from now, when this will be a good thing. When thinking about it fills me with hope, excitement, relief and joy. I can't wait for the time when the shrinking numbers give me a thrill and a rush and make me giddy like a school girl at a Jonas Brothers concert (to be fair, it would totally have been New Kids on the Block in my day).

The sooner we start this thing, the sooner we get to the good side of being a single digit midget.

As for now... it fills me with fear, sadness, worry and dread. The shrinking numbers are whittling away at my resolve and my determination to be strong for Swiss (and my family... and at times, myself). I really don't want to be melodramatic, but I have never experienced anything like this. I have never been put through the wringer, emotionally speaking, like this before. I have never felt fear like I do when I think about Swiss going off to war. I have never worried about anyone as much as I worry about him. And I have never been so bummed out about not getting to just be with someone.

It is maddening how little control any of us have over these situations, maybe that should make it easier... letting go of the things you can't control, but it doesn't. Not one bit. I cried when I heard that LAW didn't really get to say her goodbye. It makes me furious to think that Swiss's date may yet change. It is disheartening to feel so helpless and so powerless to ensure his safe (and healthy) return.

So, for now, I am doing a lot of deep breathing. (And wine drinking.) I am focusing on the present and looking forward. Forward to when being a single digit midget will be the most thrilling, exciting thing I have ever experienced.

Holiday.

First off, I have to say that the word "holiday" makes me think of Madonna, which takes me straight to Adam Sandler singing Madonna's song in the saddest, most woeful, funniest way ever in the Wedding Singer. So now I have that stuck in my head.

But I digress. As you all know it is a military 4-day weekend and Swiss doesn't have to work ANY of it. Lucky me! :) So, I am signing off for a few days of blissful togetherness. Have a stellar weekend internets and catch you on the flip-side!

Trooper for a day.

Have any of you ladies participated in a "Trooper for a Day" event? Swiss's division held one last Saturday and I did it. I even earned my very own spurs. Sweet.

Other than being insanely cold and windy, we had fun and got to do PT, camo up our faces (thank you for the breakout), then throw some grenades, fire off some M4's, clear rooms and medevac out some dummies... and get reeeeeel close to a helicopter. It was pretty fun and I was so totally sore the next day (confirming that I really, really need to get back to the gym).

Tucker & Swiss