19 January 2009

Single digit midget.

I am anxiously awaiting the day, about a year from now, when this will be a good thing. When thinking about it fills me with hope, excitement, relief and joy. I can't wait for the time when the shrinking numbers give me a thrill and a rush and make me giddy like a school girl at a Jonas Brothers concert (to be fair, it would totally have been New Kids on the Block in my day).

The sooner we start this thing, the sooner we get to the good side of being a single digit midget.

As for now... it fills me with fear, sadness, worry and dread. The shrinking numbers are whittling away at my resolve and my determination to be strong for Swiss (and my family... and at times, myself). I really don't want to be melodramatic, but I have never experienced anything like this. I have never been put through the wringer, emotionally speaking, like this before. I have never felt fear like I do when I think about Swiss going off to war. I have never worried about anyone as much as I worry about him. And I have never been so bummed out about not getting to just be with someone.

It is maddening how little control any of us have over these situations, maybe that should make it easier... letting go of the things you can't control, but it doesn't. Not one bit. I cried when I heard that LAW didn't really get to say her goodbye. It makes me furious to think that Swiss's date may yet change. It is disheartening to feel so helpless and so powerless to ensure his safe (and healthy) return.

So, for now, I am doing a lot of deep breathing. (And wine drinking.) I am focusing on the present and looking forward. Forward to when being a single digit midget will be the most thrilling, exciting thing I have ever experienced.


TAW said...

I can't tell you anything other than to hang in there, and we're here for you.

Sis B said...

Ok, we seriously have to hang out before he goes and while he's away for a day. Drop me an email: sissyben at gmail dot com. Coffee might be hard with my single digit midgets (the kind that like to run around and pull stuff off the shelves) but we need to come up with something. :) I've been a somber spazz, but at least we can be somber spazzes together for a little while.

LopsidedMom said...

You said it best, Tucker...you have never experienced something like this. You met this guy, you fell in love...what part of that prepares you for this?
Just hugs, that's all I have for you. Lots and lots of hugs.

Tucker said...

Thanks Ladies. Oh how wonderful it is to be supported by those who KNOW what this is like! Thank you again!

jlc said...

Just randomly passing by your blog.

Hang in there!! I've been there and all I can say is to cherish these last few days and take lots and lots of pics.

liberal army wife said...

breathe. just breathe. and take advantage of every minute (but be prepared for the pre deployment fight, we all do that) Give him a hug for me.