05 February 2009

Home and other things.

I am 'home'.

It is all very surreal... this deployment stuff. I suspect that I will have plenty to say in the near future about all of this. For now, I feel sort of empty. Maybe hollow is a better word.

Things are a little better now, nearly a week out, than they were just a few days ago. That first night was unbearable... not knowing if he got there okay, the empty spot in bed, the knowledge that we were SO far away from this all being over, the hurt. I think I cried harder that night than I ever have before. Nope, I know I did.

It is both good and bad to be home now. In some regards I am happy to be back here, to get a routine going, to get back to as close to normal as I can. In other ways, it hurts all the more. This is our house. This is where we first got to hang out at my house-warming party, where he asked me out on our first date, where we had our first kiss, our first Thanksgiving and Christmas, where we made so many memories... where we got married. He is everywhere here and I can't look anywhere without missing him, I can't look at a single wall without seeing his smiling face and right now that is like a punch in the gut. It brings all of those emotions hiding just below the surface bubbling up and then I can't help but cry.

But I am doing better, and as a friend said, even when it feels like I can't do this... I AM doing it. And that counts for something.

Thanks for all the kind words and well wishes... it means the world to me.


TAWL said...

I love you, and am glad that you are back. Hang in there. It never gets easy, but it gets easier.

We are here for you :)

liberal army wife said...

getting into a routine will help. and yeah, you can do it, because you have to. unfortunately, that's our reality. You know you aren't alone, so lean a little, we'll hold you up on those days when it just feels like you can't.


slightly salty said...

Ditto what LAW said. The first days are the worst. Like you said, you look around the house and see him everywhere even though he isn't. You miss his spirit and energy and that's a hard adjustment but I promise it dissipates as time goes on. Hang in there.