Do you ever have one of those moments when something you know suddenly becomes something you realize? Does that even make any sense?
Here's my point. Just yesterday I was all proud of Swiss and I because we got 2 whole months down... only 10 more to go! Hooah! But then all the deployment math started running through my head, especially the equations about how much longer it will be until I get to see my man.
That's when it hit me. Even though we have 2 months down (which sadly seems like an eternity), I am still going to have to wait 6 more months to see his face, touch him, be near him. I knew that, we had talked about it numerous times before. It will be Fall before I see him. Most of 2009 will be over by that time. For some reason today all of it really sunk in. 6 more months of this. It sort of makes me wan to cry (and by sort of I mean really).
6 more months of no kisses, no hand to hold, no one to curl up next to in bed, no handsome man to come home to, no normal couple-ness. It makes these past 2 months feel like 2 days. Like we haven't really accomplished anything in getting this over with.
I know that isn't the case... 2 months is not nothing. And I know that the flip side is that once he is home on R&R, it will only be a handful of months until he is home again. But today that knowledge doesn't help... it doesn't make me any less lonely and it doesn't make this any easier.
I just really miss him. And I am really ready to have him home again. If anyone finds or has a Fast Forward button please pass it my way post haste...
11 comments:
I know exactly what you are talking about. It will pass and then in a few days/weeks, you will feel like you are kicking this deployment's butt!
I remember Jon's first deployment (a wimpy five months). Crying on the phone to my mom, "I miss him so much and just want him home!"
It's hard.
It sucks.
Day by day, sweetie.
Hmm life sucks! It needs a great big elbow strike to the forehead (mind the agression lol).
I wish I could say something to make it better but it's kind of like although you tell yourself all of the right things "A quarter of the way to R&R which means that each day is closer and closer to that half way point so its nearrlyy downhill from here" and "The longer it is until I see him the less time left in the deployment" it doesn't help.
You can hear all the smart things that are right but you just don't feel it.
You are doing this though and each second is a second closer to the end.
Big hugs and stick in there.
Okay, kick me if this is not what you want to hear.
Doing the math is inevitable and it is what it is, but on this one day, you lived your life. You wrote a wonderful, thoughtful post about how others could help kids in Afghanistan, which, given what you are living through, tells me that you are doing beautifully.
To make a kind gesture to others in the midst of your sadness? That's grace, my dear.
I totally had one of those moments about two months into his Iraq deployment. I was standing in an aisle in the local grocery store looking for something and it hit me suddenly like a ton of bricks. I thought "I've got 10 more months of this crap before he's home again." I was thinking about until when I see him but until he was back home and I actually started to tear up. It was horrible. I quickly composed myself, finished my shopping and got home quickly. The only thing I can say is try not to dwell on the time as much as you can. It seems like asking the impossible but for me, I really tried to block it out as much as I could. When you think of the larger chunk of time you have to still go through, it's too much to process and you'll go bonkers.
don't do this to yourself. try to just think about the time that is gone by, not about how much more you have. Really. seriously. don't do this. It doesn't help you to look down that tunnel at this point. look back, look at what you've done so far.
I know, it's hard to do. but try, ok?
LAW
I've stopped by to read, but life has been so busy, I've not commented. So, first with a big 'ol "HI!" Second, deployment math really does suck. When you start looking at the big end of the equation, it totally trumps the two successful months that have passed. Before Will was deemed broken by the Army and nondeployable, he looked at me after a round of deployment math and started talking about Olivia being in kindergarten when he got home.
You've done a smashing job, sister. I only wish time was moving as fast for you as it is for me.
*hugs*
Thank you everyone. Your kind words and thoughts hae done so much to help me, now and in the past, surely in the future too. I'm so lucky to have all of you in my corner- THANK YOU!!!
Ugh. I've had that feeling for *so* long this deployment. I'm really sorry!
Oh, honey. It's hard. What has helped me is to try not to keep count (which perhaps is impossible for a scientist). Head in the sand? Sure, and it probably wouldn't work for everyone. But I'll try anything to hang on to the few marbles I have left. :-)
Ah yes... the good old "holy crap I just *realized* what the facts actually *meant* moment". UGH. I think it's safe to say we have allllll been there one time or another. It is sucktastic. Hope you are back on your feet after a good pep talk from the blogosphere -- that's what we're here for!
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