15 June 2009

Suckytown, USA

I am pretty sure that I am to the point in this deployment where I'm starting to resent the Army. Okay, resent might be too strong of a word, but I am maxed out on Hooah, plum out of "Better! Not Bitter!", and the tank that was once full of "Embracing the Suck" is running on fumes. Now, I have no idea if this is 'normal' or not... but up til now I've been at peace with Her (her being the Army). I've been okay (mind you- not happy, but okay with it because this is the life we lead) with the fact that She had to send Swiss so far away for so long. I've been keeping my positive (for the most part, aside from the random venting) attitude and trying to stay optimistic about our situation. I've been doing my best to avoid the long, slow descent into Suckytown, USA.

But now? Now I am surly. And I might be the new Mayor of Suckytown... or at least the County Commissioner. I'm just SO over this and I can't help but look at all the blissfully happy (or not) couples everywhere I look and be overcome with disdain. Disdain for their proximity to their loved ones, which they no doubt take for granted. Disdain for the 8-ish more months I have to pretend to be okay with being 'single' again. Disdain for having my own husband rationed out to me in 30 minute parcels. Disdain for being at the mercy of an organization that not only doesn't know us, but doesn't care to. Disdain for an Army that, as of late, is more about lip-service than actual action.

I will fully admit that my disdain isn't all well placed. I'll be the first to admit that. Is it fair for me to look at all those other happy couples with sourness and envy? No. It isn't their fault. Do I have a right to be surly with the Army when I knew full well this was a possibility when I married Swiss? Probably not. But this situation defies even my best science-based logic... I can't get past one measly detail: THIS SUCKS.

I am tired of pretending it doesn't suck. I am over acting like that everything is perfectly fine and normal. I am done pretending that nothing will change when Swiss gets home (personally, career and otherwise). I can't keep up the facade that I am okay/at peace with all of this. Because seriously, I am not. Even though I know I have to be.

See, I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and find myself alone yet again. I don't want to lay in bed quietly crying because I can't really remember how it feels to be in his arms or what it sounds like when he snores. I want to feel like my life isn't on hold (because, let's be honest, if you are in a solid marriage/relationship, when he or she is gone for a year, your life is on hold... one way or another, whether you want to admit it or not.). I want to have a conversation with my husband that doesn't involve a phone or a timer. I want to wake up and hear him breathing, feel his presence, and hold on to him- not just a memory of him or a t-shirt that faintly smells like him (and of plastic zip-loc bags).

I know, I know. Whine much? It's just that while I know every day is a day closer to us being together, lately the days are just blurring into one massive puddle of suck. Sure there are glimmers of the good, there are friends and family that do their best to distract you the days that don't seem so bad. But at the end of every day, I crawl into an empty bed and know full well that nothing will change for a long, long time. Ugh. I'll get over it, I always do. But I just don't feel like playing nice with Her today.


Slightly Salty said...

Oh ... hugs girl! That's the beyotch of the head game. You can "fool" yourself for so long that things are fine and that you feel no pain, but you do hit that point when you don't feel like talking yourself into feeling okay with everything. Because really, you just don't. I remember hitting the suckytown wall about 2 months in when I realized I still had 11 months to go, and 7 more before I could even see him. It was like a truck hit and I had this sucky ephiphany while standing in the aisle at the grocery store. I almost fell onto my knees whaling.

We have to play these mind games with ourselves when they are gone and tell ourselves that we're doing okay, plugging along and managing fabulously. But those days creep in where you realize you are just lying to yourself b/c the situation just isn't okay really and that no matter how "fine" you are doing, you still miss your spouse the way you would miss breathing.

I get it. Wallow in suckytown until you are ready to come out and join the rest of us fooling ourselves into thinking that it's okay that our spouses aren't home. :)

Meghan said...

You totally have every right to feel like you live in Suckytown. That SUCKS! Big time!! I hate it for you. Hope writing it down made you feel a little better :)

indiana.girl said...

I remember staying for a while in Suckville. I hated every minute, though it was a relief to finally stop pretending everything was just dandy. I hope the stay is a short one for you.

Bette said...

Hugs to you, hon. You'll be all right, but it doesn't hurt to vent until you are.

Really, I worry more about the people who never have the "this really sucks" times. Because I don't get that at ALL.

Anchored Away said...

You know your peeps totally get this. We've all hit that point, and we know where you are. It would be entirely unhealthy of you to keep the facade going, so just be okay with this entirely reasonable and healthy reaction to an entirely unfair and unhealthy situation. Stay as long as you need to shore up your resistance to the suck when you feel like it's time to put the mask on once more.

And most of all, know we've totally got your back, chica.

alternativearmywife said...

love you, darlin'. a year from now, you won't believe how fast the deployment went.
I know that doesn't really help, and everyone said it to me, but it really is true.

Post Tenebras Lux said...

Right there with you; and don't worry about the whining. Even if it accomplishes nothing else, it makes me feel less like a disaster for not feeling all survive-and-thrive all the time =). I'm sorry it's so hard.

LopsidedMom said...

I second Bette - I would be a lot more worried about you if you were all sunshine and butterflies.

Your voice is still strong, sweetie, all this hasn't stolen that from you. I know it doesn't feel like it AT ALL, but you are thriving and when this is all over and done with (and it will be!), you have so much to be proud of.

The situation totally blows, but you are a superstar!!

Tucker said...

THANK YOU LADIES... you all are the best and I would be lost in the sauce without you!

kimba said...

Late addition here (this time zone thing and all...)

It DOES suck. It sucks a lot. Of course, focusing on the suck all the time isn't healthy, but it's impossible to be in denial full-time, either.

Also? I think we, as spouses, ought to be more honest with ourselves and with others about this deployment crap. If we keep saying we're "fine", and that "We're holding up ok" and so on, we're adding to the impression that having our loved ones go away over and over again is ok with us.

Of course, making yourself miserable for a year at a time isn't much of an option, either. But telling the world that being away from your husband for a year isn't your idea of a f-ing party is perfectly reasonable, both on a personal and a political level, IMO.

The suck periods come and go, in my experience. You'll rally. Until then, tell some conservative that you're tired of taking one for the team. It'll make you feel better :-)

The Army Wife said...

It does suck, sweetie. And, we have ALL definitely been there. So don't beat yourself up too much. You know we all love you, and are all here for you, and I'm sending hugs all the way from where I am :)

But just remember ... it sucks now, but it won't suck forever. He will be home before you know it, and then you two will have the rest of your lives to not deal with Army crap.

Kanani said...

I'm so sorry. Can't offer anything more than what has already been said, except to say that I think being able to express it on a blog helps alleviate loads of stress, fear and anxiety. So keep blogging...