I am pretty sure that I am to the point in this deployment where I'm starting to resent the Army. Okay, resent might be too strong of a word, but I am maxed out on Hooah, plum out of "Better! Not Bitter!", and the tank that was once full of "Embracing the Suck" is running on fumes. Now, I have no idea if this is 'normal' or not... but up til now I've been at peace with Her (her being the Army). I've been okay (mind you- not happy, but okay with it because this is the life we lead) with the fact that She had to send Swiss so far away for so long. I've been keeping my positive (for the most part, aside from the random venting) attitude and trying to stay optimistic about our situation. I've been doing my best to avoid the long, slow descent into Suckytown, USA.
But now? Now I am surly. And I might be the new Mayor of Suckytown... or at least the County Commissioner. I'm just SO over this and I can't help but look at all the blissfully happy (or not) couples everywhere I look and be overcome with disdain. Disdain for their proximity to their loved ones, which they no doubt take for granted. Disdain for the 8-ish more months I have to pretend to be okay with being 'single' again. Disdain for having my own husband rationed out to me in 30 minute parcels. Disdain for being at the mercy of an organization that not only doesn't know us, but doesn't care to. Disdain for an Army that, as of late, is more about lip-service than actual action.
I will fully admit that my disdain isn't all well placed. I'll be the first to admit that. Is it fair for me to look at all those other happy couples with sourness and envy? No. It isn't their fault. Do I have a right to be surly with the Army when I knew full well this was a possibility when I married Swiss? Probably not. But this situation defies even my best science-based logic... I can't get past one measly detail: THIS SUCKS.
I am tired of pretending it doesn't suck. I am over acting like that everything is perfectly fine and normal. I am done pretending that nothing will change when Swiss gets home (personally, career and otherwise). I can't keep up the facade that I am okay/at peace with all of this. Because seriously, I am not. Even though I know I have to be.
See, I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and find myself alone yet again. I don't want to lay in bed quietly crying because I can't really remember how it feels to be in his arms or what it sounds like when he snores. I want to feel like my life isn't on hold (because, let's be honest, if you are in a solid marriage/relationship, when he or she is gone for a year, your life is on hold... one way or another, whether you want to admit it or not.). I want to have a conversation with my husband that doesn't involve a phone or a timer. I want to wake up and hear him breathing, feel his presence, and hold on to him- not just a memory of him or a t-shirt that faintly smells like him (and of plastic zip-loc bags).
I know, I know. Whine much? It's just that while I know every day is a day closer to us being together, lately the days are just blurring into one massive puddle of suck. Sure there are glimmers of the good, there are friends and family that do their best to distract you the days that don't seem so bad. But at the end of every day, I crawl into an empty bed and know full well that nothing will change for a long, long time. Ugh. I'll get over it, I always do. But I just don't feel like playing nice with Her today.