03 August 2009

The butterfly effect.

I find it funny how quickly one can go from triumphant I-can-do-anythingness to Oh Shitness in a matter of mere hours. Do I still feel like I can tell the Deployment to "Suck it?" Sure. But the PCS? Well, now that is another matter. Right now, the PCS is telling me to suck it. Hard.

I think the root of the issue is this: The butterfly effect. I am completely overwhelmed by this thing. Not because I can't manage a move. Nor because I can't handle selling the house. And it isn't because I am scared of relocating. It is because every last one of these things is so inextricably intertwined that if one goes awry, I can't help but feel like everything, this whole life of ours, will go off the rails and resemble something like this. Only not in Legos.

I can't get past the ridiculous scenario I have lodged in my head, the one where if this house doesn't sell, our only options are to either double pay housing and dwindle our savings to nil or to sell it at a loss. Either way, in my mind it involves money that isn't mine (still getting used to that- there are guilt and all sorts of weird issues I have using his money for my stuff) going towards getting rid of an issue that is wholly mine. And using the money that isn't mine just depletes the stash that we so dearly will need post retirement so that we can do all of the things that we have always planned on. If that money isn't there, then we don't get to buy a house with a bit of land, we don't get to take vacations, we don't get to, you know, DO stuff. We have to be frugal and thrifty.

Not that there is anything wrong with renting or stay-cations (whatever those are) or being frugal in general. But you know, I worked hard for this money (So hard for it honey... do do doo do), so has he and Swiss has earned this retirement. We are in our 30's for sobbing out loud, we aren't kids anymore. We shouldn't have to rent. We shouldn't not be able to take vacations. We should be able to go out for dinners and not worry about the bill, we should be able to live a worry-free life financially speaking. And if I blow this house thing... if I can't sell it. I will feel like a failure. I will feel like I made this mess. I will feel like it is my fault he won't be able to do what he wanted to with his post-Army life.

Long story short? Unsold house = Tucker SUCKS.

To be fair, Swiss thinks I am insane for thinking like this. Mad Hatter insane. And he is probably right (as usual). He figures as long as there is $1.00 in the bank upon his return home, he'll be in better shape than he was the last time (file this one under sad, but true). And while, yes, technically that is correct, I cannot deal with the fact that I might fail at this. Because suddenly, my failures aren't just mine. They are ours. And he is 7,500 miles away and can't do a damned thing to bail me out on this one. Please, please, pleasepleaseplease let us sell this house. Please let me not fuck this up. Please?


Slightly Salty said...

'Kay here's my two cents. This is a lesson I've learned from previous deployments. When the men are away fighting the war, we put such pressure on ourselves to be perfect on all fronts, from taking care of the house to anything else. And if stuff doesn't go right, it's automatically something we did wrong and we should be publicly flogged. I've been where you are except totally different circumstances. You have way more on your plate with doing this whole PCS thing by yourself and selling the house, etc. I'll give you props for weathering all this. But don't come down so hard on yourself or freak out if the planets don't align to make this all go smoothly. It's not your fault. You can only do so much by yourself. So, give yourself a little break and try not to stress out too much. I know that's easier said than done but really, you can calm down and Swiss will be grateful for whatever you do and however you handle all this stuff. Hang in there. :)

Tucker said...

Thank you Sweetheart! I needed to hear that and you are totally right. I have NO idea why I do this to myself... I think I just don't want to eff things up, you know? This deployed wife thing is a big deal and there is so much to manage and I just don't want to fail at any of it. I know it will all be fine... I just need to breath and do my best, right?

Thanks again dear! :)

loquita said...

Ditto comment #1! If Swiss were home, and you couldn't find a buyer for the house, it wouldn't be a reflection on whether you were good/bad person, right? Try to keep that in mind. Some parts of this will just be fate/luck/etc, and no amount of beating yourself up will change that.

We are certainly living some very parallel lives lately -- I am tied up in knots over "his" money now that I'm not making any money. Using LT's money to pay my mortgage for the last 5 months has my head spinning, and I hate it. It took me 4 months to finally buy some new clothes appropriate for the crazy-ass hot weather down here. WTF?

So, just know that you are not alone in these thoughts. I have been labeled Mad Hatter-grade crazy at times as well. :)