05 January 2009

Like a popsicle.

A blue raspberry popsicle. Cold and blue.

Okay, I am cold because we totally had an ice storm last night. Yes Virginia, Ice. We are in the south. 1,000+ miles south of home. And our temperatures are the same. Oh, and on Saturday it was 70 degrees and sunny. That, folks, just ain't right.

I am blue because the Big D is looming. Looming like bad weather on the horizon. And everywhere I look there are signs that it is coming faster and faster... the packed rucks in the back room, the yet unpacked gear strewn about the living room, the long silent moments when Swiss is deep in thought. And then there are the things I'm not ready to see yet... the things that I am forced to deal with as I drive through post. Troops packing gear and getting onto buses. Families saying goodbye in parking lots. I have a hard time not letting it hit home.

I would so like to think I am going to be strong, going to be able to keep myself together when that day comes. And I just know I won't. I can't. For some reason I think I shouldn't cry when we say goodbye, I shouldn't fall apart for even a little while. But I know I will. I am scared. I am worried, I am tired of this process of getting ready to leave the one you love. I am frustrated by the lingering questions that won't get answered until he is over there for some time. I am hopeful for our future, but I can't get excited about any of it until he is home safe and sound.

I know that I shouldn't put any expectations on how that day will go. I know I shouldn't put any expectations on myself. It just needs to happen and it is okay if I cry. Swiss knows I show my emotions through my tear ducts. And he knows I will be strong for him and for us while he is gone. But this feeling of anticipation, the preparing to be apart, the cramming everything into what little time we have left... It sucks.


kimba said...


You'll cry. And it will suck. It's hard as hell, but you'll get through it. The first is one hands down the worst. (I hope this will be your ONLY one, of course.)

My advice: Rip off that band-aid as quickly as you can. Lingering makes it worse. Also - you'll feel (slightly) better once he's gone a couple of days, if only because you're not dreading it anymore, and the crapfest of him actually leaving is over. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard as hell, but at least by then you've gotten started and you're no longer thinking of an ENTIRE deployment, you're thinking of what's left of the deployment.

Email me whenever you want, I'm home all the time. Kimba AT kimbaland DOT com.

Oh, and wine helps ;-)

LopsidedMom said...

You know I second what Kimba says...when I look back I wish they had given us only a days notice...it would have been sick and twisted, but at least it would have been short.
When we got to start counting down the days rather than counting down to the counting down, it was like we regained a little bit of control over what was happening.
I'm out here too...and yes, you all know how I feel about wine...

Tucker said...

Thanks ladies! It is so good to know that someone else knows exactly how much this sucks... and I am glad that wine helps. I likey wine! Thanks again for the kind words and support... you gals are the best!

kimba said...

Oh, and as for counting days - my advice? Don't do it for a while. Or, if you do, count up. Those big numbers are hard to deal with at first.

And please do excuse the typo in my previous comment - maybe I should have had some wine tonight myself...

liberal army wife said...

if you need to melt down. do it. don't try to have the stiff upper lip. doesn't work. we'll hold each other up, tucker. this anticipation of pain is almost worse than the pain.


Tucker said...

Thanks for making it okay to feel crappy and melt-down if I need to. It sounds better coming from you gals! And as for the counting down... Swiss and I have decided on weeks. There are FAR too many days in a year! Thanks again for all of the support... you guys are the best!

Bette said...

I counted garbage days last deployment. Every Friday as I dragged the can to the curb (which is my sweetie's thing when he's home), I knew I was one week closer to seeing him again.

Whatever works, dude. Plus wine!

LopsidedMom said...

LOL Bette - I did that too! Every Wednesday, garbage day.

slightly salty said...

Tucker, reading your last few posts about the Big D brought back so many memories from when Obi-Wan left for Iraq. I get chills reading these posts b/c I vividly remember my own emotions.

Like others said, don't try to anticipate how you'll handle it. I didn't know what I'd do the first time Obi-Wan deployed either. You'll cry but maybe you'll be able to hold it together until after the goodbye, who knows. Do what you need to do. I totally agree with Kimba about ripping the band-aid off and not counting days (it will drive you mad if you do). Every time I've said goodbye to my husband for a deployment, the big moment is less and less b/c neither one of us can handle a long goodbye. We always do a quick hug and kiss and I get the heck out of there. If we do it quickly, there's less likelihood of an emotional meltdown. I usually save that for the car ride home and then crawl into bed with my dogs and ball my eyes out.

The anticipation is the absolute worst. The longer you know about a deployment on the horizon, the more time you have to stew about it and it freaking sucks!!!! By the time Obi-Wan left for Iraq in March of 07, I was ready to scream from all the build-up of knowing about it for 4 months. And seeing all the sand gear accumulating in the spare bedroom ... very harsh reminders of reality.

Once he leaves, you can just focus on you and move forward.

I'm here if you ever need to talk or vent - seriously (navywife1999@cox.net). Hugs!