03 March 2009

Reality check.

So now that Swiss is officially “in theatre” I have been oscillating between calm logic, moderate anxiety and fear. This first month was such an odd one; he was never in danger, he was safe in Kuwait, nowhere near danger or risk or, well, war. I got used to it. But things are different now… it has taken a few days for it to sink it. He isn't ‘safe’ anymore. I don’t get to not worry anymore.

This whole deployment thing feels very different nowadays. There is a weight and legitimacy that this deployment hasn't had yet. This is very real.

I know that sounds lame. Of course it is real. 4,252+ is REAL.

But this past month was so easy, so worry-free, so easy to manage… I just missed him, I didn't fret over his safety or the dreaded knock on the door. Now, everything is different. There are real threats, there are IED's, there is a war. And Swiss is in the middle of it.

I know that his new job is one that is ‘safer’. I know that he isn't on foot patrol every day like last time. I know that he will be able to stay on the FOB for the most part. But I also know that this, really, means nothing. Accidents happen, surprise attacks happen, and at some point he will have to go off FOB and there is no controlling what happens out there. He is not immune. He is not invincible. He is at war.

Holy shit.

Anyway, I am still coming to grips with this. I was prepared for this, but the extended stint in Kuwait snuck in and washed away the preparation, the fear, the nervousness, the harsh reality that he isn't just away at Warrior Forge or Ranger Challenge or FTX. It feels like I am starting all over again and the stark realities of the situation are like blows to the gut.

8 comments:

snarkynavywife said...

:hugs:

Bette said...

Calm logic, moderate anxiety, and fear -- that's about par for the course!

I'd be lying if I told you the worry goes away, but you will learn to live around it. It sucks, but I know you can do it.

And if the worry starts to feel paralyzing, that's when you give us a shout.

LopsidedMom said...

This feeling will become more normal with time, but it is jolting right now. I'm thinking of you!

Jennifer said...

I have a tiny inkling of how you are feeling. Jon was supposed to spend the entirety of his last deployment in Kuwait and we were so thankful. A week after he got there, he was told that he would be going to Baghdad for six weeks. I went from simply missing him to fearing for him.
You and Swiss (and ALL the rest of our service members) are in my thoughts.
Take care.

liberal army wife said...

pretty soon, the feeling of dread and anticipation will be normal. Hate to say it, but it will. but for now. remember we are here. We will be here when you need us, at 3 am when you get a case of the screaming heebies, you have my phone number. I'll be here - I may not be exactly spot on awake! but I'll be here.

LAW

Tucker said...

Thanks Ladies! And thanks LAW for the offer to call whenever... this would be SO hard without all of you! I can't thank you enough and we will all have to get together when it is over so I can buy you all lots and lots of drinks! :)

Y'all are the best! THANK YOU!!!

slightly salty said...

I kind of know what you mean. Obi-Wan almost never left the base in Baghdad and had a "safe" job. But threats still existed in the form of mortar attacks constantly hitting the base and occasionally, landing near where he was working. I put the worry out of my mind for the most part once it sunk in and hung around for awhile that he was over "there" but it never did go away and I didn't want to let myself be complacent about his safety even though he wasn't knocking down doors and battling insurgents. Anyone over there is in danger, no matter what the job. You will find a way over time to process this so hang in there. You have us here to talk ... and we all get it.

Butterfly Wife said...

slightly salty I agree with you Nice Commant