One week and a new addition.

ONE WEEK!

Phew! Hooray for me! Hooray for Swiss! Hooray for this whole thing finally getting started... and for being one week closer to it all being done!

It has been one helluva week, that is for certain. Between sending Swiss off, packing up the house, driving cross country and moving back in... all the while missing Swiss more than I have ever missed anyone or anything ever. So much it hurts.

But, I am lucky because a) I have someone I care that much about, b) I've been able to talk to him 4 or 5 times already, c) he is someplace safe and his job is keeping him as far away from harm as I could ever dare hope, and d) I have great friends and family to help get me through this. Oy vey. I'm so very glad this first week is over!

And in other news, we got ourselves a puppy! Swiss and I looked into adopting a dog before he left and we found a sweet dog that looked perfect for us... we just had to hope he would still be available when we (I) got back home. Well, we made the trek up to the Big City and sure enough, he was still there and now he is asleep on the living room floor. Swiss is going to love him!

Meet Fletcher:

Let's just add more suck to the pile.

Against my better judgement, here's another family post. I am so angry and disappointed I could cry... but sometimes some people just don't deserve your tears.

Just before Swiss left for the Sandbox, we finally got things straightened out and taken care of in regards to Swiss Jr. We got his custody switched to Swiss's brother, since the Ex said she just couldn't take him and didn't want him anymore (what kind of parent doesn't want her own child anymore?). Swiss Jr. was doing so much better too... better in school, better attitude, better in general. And then, the first weekend after Swiss deployed, he spent it with his Mom and now he wants to go back to her... the woman who didn't want him just 3 months ago. Heavens only knows what she promised him.

It is all very disappointing... he's almost 14 so we can't make him do the right thing. At some point you can only do so much... he's got to want to do the rest. He has now turned his back on both his father and his uncle, and hurt them both so much. He has turned his back on everyone who wants the best for him, everyone who was willing to do anything and everything to help him. But this is his decision and the courts will back it because he is old enough in their eyes.

The thing I can't come to grips with is telling Swiss. I have to tell him, I don't want to be the one keeping secrets and being elusive... he had to deal with that enough last deployment with his Ex. But I want to protect him from this hurt, this disappointment. I don't want him to worry about it, I want him to focus and be in the now while he is over there. I think I will tell him when things are finalized, that way there won't be extra weeks agonizing over something he can do nothing to fix. I don't know.

I need help with this one. How do I do this?

Home and other things.

I am 'home'.

It is all very surreal... this deployment stuff. I suspect that I will have plenty to say in the near future about all of this. For now, I feel sort of empty. Maybe hollow is a better word.

Things are a little better now, nearly a week out, than they were just a few days ago. That first night was unbearable... not knowing if he got there okay, the empty spot in bed, the knowledge that we were SO far away from this all being over, the hurt. I think I cried harder that night than I ever have before. Nope, I know I did.

It is both good and bad to be home now. In some regards I am happy to be back here, to get a routine going, to get back to as close to normal as I can. In other ways, it hurts all the more. This is our house. This is where we first got to hang out at my house-warming party, where he asked me out on our first date, where we had our first kiss, our first Thanksgiving and Christmas, where we made so many memories... where we got married. He is everywhere here and I can't look anywhere without missing him, I can't look at a single wall without seeing his smiling face and right now that is like a punch in the gut. It brings all of those emotions hiding just below the surface bubbling up and then I can't help but cry.

But I am doing better, and as a friend said, even when it feels like I can't do this... I AM doing it. And that counts for something.

Thanks for all the kind words and well wishes... it means the world to me.

Blip.

Here I am... I am a blip on the radar.

Thank you- from the bottom of my heart- for all the well wishes and hugs and, generally, everything. Thanks for understanding how much this sucks. Because I seriously don't have the words to discribe it.

He is there safe and I am in Wichita. It still hurts like hell. I miss him more than I can comprehend, but I can breathe easier knowing he is safe and they finally got their assignment.

I will write more when I get home.

Thank you, truly for everything. But mostly, thank you for keeping him in your thoughts & prayers... he's the one who needs them most.

And now it starts

Swiss has left to do his duty, to make this world a better place, and to do great things. Off to make us all proud, off to be the great soldier and man he is, and off to get sweaty, dirty and sandy. I miss him like hell already and my heart is heavy.

That was one hell of a Band-Aid.

So, my deployment cherry has officially been popped and in case you were wondering, no, I didn't do it with any grace or dignity at all. I was a red-eyed, teary, snotty mess. (Still am.)

Did I mention that I miss him? God, do I ever.

Thankfully, the countdown can finally start. 365,52,12... from here on out they will only get smaller. That is a very good thing.

Anyway, I must pack up our home here on post and go back to the real world meaning I will be off the radar for a few days. So, this is Tucker signing off once again. Thanks for all of your support and kindness... please keep Swiss in your prayers.

Love,
Tucker

Aaarrrrggggghhhhh!

I didn't need to read this tonight but I saw it and wanted to get it out there. I don't know how one goes about finding out which plates are under the recall... I just hope and pray to God that Swiss's isn't one of them. Bah. The Army gets a Do Better on this one. Seriously.

All over the map.

That is what I am. All over the map.

The emotional roller coaster is in full effect with D-Day looming, nee breathing down our necks. One minute I am fine, the next I am fighting to hold back tears. One minute I am laughing and living up every last minute to the fullest, the next I can't stop the tears and they begin rolling down big, fat trails across my face. I know I blogged about this before... only now it is on steroids.

I know there is no rhyme or reason to this. I know there is no norm... nor is there a right or wrong. But I wish I could get a grip. Anyway, we are getting closer to being able to count down and get this par-tay started. So, wish us luck, wish me a wee bit of grace, and wish for Swiss a safe journey and safer tour.

Purple hearts.

Thanks to Lopsided Mom, I just read this article about PTSD and Purple Hearts. Sehr interessant indeed. (that's German by the way.)

I am curious to know what people think about this. I think it is a great idea, but I realize that it is a complex and complicated issue. See, Swiss has a Purple Heart. He got shot during a rather intense gunfight in a mosque. The bullet is still in his leg... they never removed it for fear of causing more damage. And Swiss has told me tales of folks who have 'faked' PTSD. (Or at least his estimation of 'faked')

Generally these stories involve folks who never experienced combat, never were in the thick of it, never were faced with the especially grim and at times horrifying aspects of war. On one case, he cited someone who simply heard a wounded soldier screaming in pain, then claimed PTSD. Here's where it gets tricky... from a guy like Swiss's perspective (ie: foot patrols every day, seeing friends die or get wounded, being faced with killing people, being physically wounded yourself, etc.) I can see how that would be deemed 'faking'. I get it, 110%.

But the scientist in me knows that not everyone is the same. Not everyone has the mental fortitude and ability for compartmentalization that a guy like my husband has (not to imply that anyone with mental/psychological issues is not mentally strong- I fully understand that it is so much more than that). I realize that, for some people, all it takes to forever alter how you see things, how you cope with things, is the blood-curdling scream of a fellow soldier. For some, perhaps, the events that 'trip the trigger' are less than those that other soldiers have experienced or seen and not had any issues. But does that then make it any less real? Does it make it any less valid? Does it make the wound any less painful?

And how, truly, can one know if it is real? Does it take a massive event, a visibly obvious reaction to a stimulus? Does it take the dissolution of marriages and estrangement of family and friends? Where do you draw that line?

I do know that the Army is taking steps to better understand this, to better understand and better identify potential issues when soldiers come home. Swiss had to undergo a series of brain function tests before this deployment, so that they would have a base-line understanding of his brain (can I get a copy?) should he have psychological issues when he comes home -God forbid. I applaud this action, I applaud the proactive tests which give validity and serious weight to the issue of PTSD.

But I ask you, what do you think of the idea of a Black Heart?

Boycott.

Okay. Enough Army stuff. I am boycotting the Army-Deployment-Suck-Embracing stuff for just a bit today. You will see why.

In the course of the last 24 hours these things have happened here at the Tucker & Swiss homestead:

I overfilled the sink, resulting in a foamy mess in the kitchen (note: I honestly have never done this before.) Nice, right?

It got cold, foggy and misty outside, which sucks, but makes for pretty pictures. This is our backyard... it is home to about 100 vultures. I know, I know. You are totally jealous.

Swiss and I bought a truly gross bottle of wine, Rieslings are supposed to be light and sweet, not a replacement for household cleaners. And doesn't it make you mad when you spend money on something that tastes like swill? From now on I will only let Swiss buy the wine. He has waaaay better luck than me.

We also went fossil hunting near our on post housing and found all of these... those top two are bigger than my fist! I like fossils. It made me feel like a kid again, and I needed that.

And lastly, when it was still warm out, I got this picture of a moth with my new telephoto lens. Sweet.

The end.

Home stretch.

We are now in the home stretch and, man, is this deployment looming. Looming is a funny word. But yes, it is the 500 lb. gorilla in the room. A big, stinky, hairy gorilla.

I have read the stories about women who get to the point where they just want the deployment to start already. I read those stories 6 months ago. I couldn't understand it. Not one bit. I thought, how could these women want their husbands to leave? How could they wish the deployment would start sooner? ARE THEY MAD? Nope, I couldn't fathom it at all.

And here I sit, 6 months removed from when we first learned of the deployment and first read those stories, just wishing it would get started already. Talk about full circle.

I think Swiss and I are simply ready to get things going, instead of waiting, waiting, waiting. Not that I want to see him go any sooner than he has to (but don't get me started on the clearing/flagging process the Army has... you'd think the folks on post have never done this "Fit for Duty" thing before by the looks of it. Bah!) and not that I want to have less time with him. Don't misunderstand me. I just want to get on with this so that it can get over with sooner.

I am weary of anticipating the goodbye. I am tired of preparing to be sad and/or lonely. I am just so over staring at that stinky, hairy gorilla every day and every night.

Public service announcement.

This is a public service announcement to let everyone know that my bestest college bud Beth is the smartest person ever. And she is wicked cool to boot! Plus, now she is famous.

Check this out... I know that Wisconsin programs to boost college attendance aren't every one's bag, but it is a great article and Beth is super smart and awesome and I totally have to brag her up. I mean, com on, this is good stuff, and it is in the CHICAGO TRIBUNE! Awesomeness.

"We think it would lead to more kids going to college by tapping a group that isn't accessing college at the level we feel is possible," Stransky said. "A state investment of dollars would really give the Covenant meat. It would make it more than just a symbolic action."

Smarty. Pants. Anyways, Kudos to you Sporty Spice!

Nothing to say.

I am out of things to say right now.
Time is short and so are tempers.
I am not a soldier and I am tired of being expected to act like one.

Emotions are running high and I just don't have it in me to write about it. I am drained right now. I promise to write more when the tanks are full again.

For now, this is Tucker signing off.

PS: Swiss brought me flowers when he came home from lunch. Swoon. This afternoon has been better... this morning was awful rough. Thanks for the support ladies.

(PPS: This is a big day for our country... regardless of how you voted, I hope you wish only the best for this administration because their success means success for us and for this great place we proudly call home. Make the changes in yourself and we can all start down a new and better path. Sis B said it best. Enjoy this historic day everyone...)

Single digit midget.

I am anxiously awaiting the day, about a year from now, when this will be a good thing. When thinking about it fills me with hope, excitement, relief and joy. I can't wait for the time when the shrinking numbers give me a thrill and a rush and make me giddy like a school girl at a Jonas Brothers concert (to be fair, it would totally have been New Kids on the Block in my day).

The sooner we start this thing, the sooner we get to the good side of being a single digit midget.

As for now... it fills me with fear, sadness, worry and dread. The shrinking numbers are whittling away at my resolve and my determination to be strong for Swiss (and my family... and at times, myself). I really don't want to be melodramatic, but I have never experienced anything like this. I have never been put through the wringer, emotionally speaking, like this before. I have never felt fear like I do when I think about Swiss going off to war. I have never worried about anyone as much as I worry about him. And I have never been so bummed out about not getting to just be with someone.

It is maddening how little control any of us have over these situations, maybe that should make it easier... letting go of the things you can't control, but it doesn't. Not one bit. I cried when I heard that LAW didn't really get to say her goodbye. It makes me furious to think that Swiss's date may yet change. It is disheartening to feel so helpless and so powerless to ensure his safe (and healthy) return.

So, for now, I am doing a lot of deep breathing. (And wine drinking.) I am focusing on the present and looking forward. Forward to when being a single digit midget will be the most thrilling, exciting thing I have ever experienced.

Holiday.

First off, I have to say that the word "holiday" makes me think of Madonna, which takes me straight to Adam Sandler singing Madonna's song in the saddest, most woeful, funniest way ever in the Wedding Singer. So now I have that stuck in my head.

But I digress. As you all know it is a military 4-day weekend and Swiss doesn't have to work ANY of it. Lucky me! :) So, I am signing off for a few days of blissful togetherness. Have a stellar weekend internets and catch you on the flip-side!

Trooper for a day.

Have any of you ladies participated in a "Trooper for a Day" event? Swiss's division held one last Saturday and I did it. I even earned my very own spurs. Sweet.

Other than being insanely cold and windy, we had fun and got to do PT, camo up our faces (thank you for the breakout), then throw some grenades, fire off some M4's, clear rooms and medevac out some dummies... and get reeeeeel close to a helicopter. It was pretty fun and I was so totally sore the next day (confirming that I really, really need to get back to the gym).

Tucker & Swiss

PS...

I went through and labeled every post. I've been slacking.

As I was going through, I was worried that the label "embracing the suck"would be the most often one used. What does that say about me? What does that say about military life? What does that say about this blog? eek.

But thankfully "army" and "happy" (!!!) beat it out. I think that is a good sign.

Project 365/52.

This is my attempt at diversionary tactics. If I think about other stuff, I won't think about Army/deployment stuff. I'm doing better today after a couple of crying jags and palpable frustration through last night. Thanks for your support everyone- You ROCK!

Aaah... 365. I hate that number because, actually it is a really long time when you count it in days. But I've got a project/idea that Swiss and I may or may not successfully complete, but I'm hoping this project will give us a better opinion of said number.

This project isn't anything new... flickr is chock full of Project 365 tags (by the way, Photojojo is awesome... if you like taking photos at all go check them out). And in case you haven't heard of it, the premise is simple: document every day of a year with a photograph. There are no subject requirements, just that you take a photograph a day for a year.

So that is what I am going to do... and Swiss is going to do the abbreviated version of one photo a week when he is over in the Sandbox. The plan is that when he comes back we will put them together in a schmancy book that could be, actually, really cool. I'm kind of geeked about how cool it might be.

Anyway, this will start soon. Probably shortly after he deploys, so be ready for more photos on the site, aren't you lucky! I'm thinking I will compile a week's worth of photos in one post, and then if Swiss ever finds his way to a computer out in the middle of nowhere he can see them all in one fell swoop.

So let me ask you ladies this: what are you gals doing (or what have you done in the past) to document the time apart? I'd love to hear what y'all have done!

Thanks again for all of your support yesterday- you have no idea how much it helped! :)

The Army is a bully.

I am surly today and this is a vent. So you have been warned.

Last night we got blind-sided with a new deployment date (earlier, OF COURSE) at the Pre-Deployment Briefing. Awesome. I don't know about you, but I totally love being blind-sided. And by that, I mean not. Decidedly not.

Ooh, and we were cheerfully told to "just be flexible" since they have NO idea where they are going and that they are likely to move around a lot once they are in theatre. He actually told us that since the amount and type of communication technologies were highly in question for this deployment, we should really get back to basics and work on letter writing. Aww, how precious. HOW CAN I WRITE LETTERS TO MY HUSBAND IF I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS???

Anyway, I'm just pissy because we had a time-table, we had things organized and planned. It was a little like a security blanket, it made me feel like I had at least a teensey bit of control over the situation. This throws everything out the window.

I'm surly that I might not get to talk to him all that often, I am worried about how much harder this is going to be if we can't communicate any way other than snail mail. I am scared about how far my imagination will run at night when I haven't heard his voice in weeks. I am frustrated that nothing is going how we thought it would. And I can't change any of it.

I know this is normal, I know that him leaving earlier means he will come home earlier, blah, blah, blah. None of that helps right now. I'm just surly.

Karma.

First off, I have to say this: I love Karma. It's like the Universe's way of slapping you around when you deserve it (and rewarding you too). I love to watch Karma in action. Karma has kicked my butt from time to time. I deserved it too.

So, in this vein, I try not to post too much about family matters that extend beyond Swiss and I. It feels a little odd to put the family's dirty laundry out there, and it makes me worry about my own Karma.

But I am going to tell this tale just because it is proof that Karma does work. So here it goes and let's hope this doesn't mess up my Karma...

Swiss got a letter back home the other day about late Child Support. Now, Swiss is insanely punctual and generous when it comes to this matter. As well he should be. More over, Swiss Jr. has been living with his uncle for the past 3-4 months, not with his mom. Why you ask? Because right around our wedding (you can decide if that is a coincidence or not) the ex-Mrs. Swiss (we will call her P) called us up hysterical and emphatic that she just couldn't take Swiss Jr. anymore, that he was too much and she just didn't want him. (Harsh, I know. I can't imagine how this made Swiss Jr. feel.) Anywhoodles, since Swiss was about 3 weeks away from moving here to Fort X and had a deployment on the near horizon, we (meaning Swiss's family and us) decided that it would be best for Swiss Jr. to stay in town and keep things as close to normal as possible. Thankfully Swiss's brother chipped in and has been taking great care of him ever since, and receiving the Child Support money as he rightfully should.

So, back to the letter. Swiss called the lady today to find out the deal. Turns out P applied for City funding because she got fired from her job and got her car repossessed (I am so not making this up) and hasn't been working for quite a few months now, and, well, she doesn't have Swiss Jr.'s child support money to spend now. Tricky bit about it is that the City does an automatic audit on you when you apply for this funding. She applied saying that she had custody of Swiss Jr., trying to milk the Government teat for all it was worth I assume. So Swiss politely told the lady that, no, Swiss Jr. has been living with someone else for months now. Heh. I don't know what will come of it, but I'd like to think that Karma will take over from here.

XXX.

No, blogosphere, it didn't just get pornographic in here... it is my birthday. And I am 30. Bah!

Swiss loves it because now we are in the same decade. (He's 38) I am okay with it too... heck, age is just a number, right? I don't feel any different... but life sure is different.

Well, on second thought, maybe I do feel different after all... I am entering this decade blissfully married, an Army wife (tally that up under things I never thought I would be), living 1,000+ miles from anyplace I ever called home, not working, and unsure of what I will be doing a year from now. My, how things have changed! But I count every bit of it as a blessing and I wouldn't change any of it for all the tea in China.

Did you know.

Did you know that Swiss's unit doesn't actually know what Swiss is going to be doing during the deployment? Did you know that they don't actually know where they are going to be after the half-way mark of their tour?

Did you know that this makes me insane?

I mean, there are so many things we just can't know, things that aren't meant for us to know, or things that aren't planned. I get that. But is it too much to ask that one would have a generally concept of what her husband will be doing once deployed? Like, will it be dangerous? Or will it be a desk job? Will he be outside the wire much? Will he be at a FOB that has phones? Will he be staying in-country after the half way point or will he be completely relocated, if you know what I mean? Seriously. How do you just not know when we are so close?

Vent over... for now.

Planning for a probably.

So our plan, during this deployment, is for Swiss to put in his retirement papers. (WOOO HOOO!) Which means that upon his return, we will have about 8 months left and then can skip off into the land of puppies and rainbows hand-in-hand with nary a care in the world.

Only we won't have a place to live or jobs yet. Details! Details!

Anyone who knows me in real life is aware of the fact that I am a planner. Don't get me wrong, I can be whimsical and spontaneous, it just doesn't usually play out that way. Gaw, that makes me sounds stuffy! Anyway, Swiss and I have been doing reconnaissance on where to retire, what jobs we are going to have, buy a house or build one and so on. Sometimes we just snoop around on real estate web sites looking for what is out there... I did some of that this morning, it was fun and interesting and exciting to plan and think about our future. And then Swiss came in with the paperwork for his will and handing over power of attorney. Buzz Kill.

I think that, sometimes, planning for the future like that can be an escape. It can be a little umbrella shielding you from reality for a bit, allowing you to live in a world where he has come home from the deployment safe and sound, his retirement was approved, and he wasn't stop-lossed. A place where happily ever after really does happen (and isn't Disney).

And other times it can feel like a taunt. Like a carrot being dangled in front of you, hopelessly out of reach. You know where you want to go, but you aren't sure if you are going to get there, or God forbid, you will get there alone. This morning, after the buzz kill, the website was still up on the computer and it left such a sour taste in my mouth, looking at the homes and land way out west. This morning it felt like a taunt.

Anyway, I have faith that our happily ever after will arrive right on schedule, just as planned. I don't think there is any other way to do it, honestly. But those are my 2 cents on planning. At least as it stands today...

Roller coasters.

I used to like them. They were unpredictable and thrilling and fun. Now, I think they suck. Rickety deathtraps at overpriced amusement parks... and you have to wait in line for an hour for a 3 minute ride. Gaw, I am getting surly in my old age.

But I hate emotional roller coasters even more than the real deal. I like to think I am pretty even keeled, I have a steady temperament and am generally a happy, quirky, fun gal. But this deployment business can really put some kinks in one's demeanor.

Like yesterday... one minute I am crying as I watch Swiss walk to work, then I write an entry here that is all somber and introspective and then I chase down a wiener dog and blog about that too. Then I work on the letter I am going to stuff in his ruck and I am all misty again. Hella misty. But I go pick him up from work and all we do all night is laugh and snort and have fun.

While Swiss is at work I have loads of time to think and muse and do loads of frivolous things (read: Guitar Hero), and this morning I was sitting here thinking about the past few days and how surreal they have been. I sometimes just can't wrap my head around the sheer volume of emotions this THING is pulling out of me. To be scared out of your gourd and laughing hysterically in a matter of minutes is seriously taxing. Pouring out your emotions and fears and trying your best to convey everything you feel on a piece of paper and then not 10 minutes later merrily cooking dinner and pleasantly talking about our days is not normal, at least not in my book. Bah!

Anyway, I will just chalk this all up to being one of the many things I didn't see coming. And maybe some of you can relate... maybe not. Maybe I am just crazy. But if you know what I mean, I'd love to hear your take on it all...

And then I chased a Dachshund.

No jokes. I dropped Swiss off at the office after lunch and a quick trip to the Uniform & Military Supply Store (no idea why, but we love that store... strange, I know), ran over to the Commissary to get some goodies for dinner and then came home, picked up the mail and watched a soldier sprint across the neighborhood in hot pursuit of a wiener dog.

You just don't see that every day.

In a flash they were gone, presumably to the next street over. But upon walking into the house, I could see out the back patio doors the same twee little Dachshund just past the fence in our back yard. Yeah, I totally snuck out the front and snatched up that wiener dog. Like a ninja. He didn't even know what got him. I dutifully returned the Dachshund to the winded soldier and went inside to unpack my groceries. Aaah, life on post.

The end.

The sound of silence.

I've done my research on this deployment thing. I know that everyone prepares and copes in different ways... and I know from reading all y'alls blogs that every deployment can be different. There is no way to predict how someone will react, or what they will do to cope. It all makes perfect sense.

If you asked me how I am coping or what it is I am doing to prepare for this... I couldn't really give you an answer... I guess I am just trying to keep my head above water. I am trying to not dwell on it, it will be all too real all too soon. I am trying to cherish and make the most of all the little things, all the little moments that Swiss and I share. I keep telling myself that the sooner this all starts, the sooner it will be over. And, for now, I am trying to keep it together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like this morning when I watched him walk to work... every time he leaves now days it feels like training camp for when he really does leave. I cried this morning because it seemed too real.

But Swiss... well he is doing things differently. He is still, for the most part, normal Swiss. But he is quieter. He is more introspective. There are more moments when he is staring off in the distance, deep in thought. And for some reason those moments cut straight through me. Not because I am worried about us, not because I think his issues are with me or how our relationship will fare. But because through all of this build-up since summer when we found out he would be going to the Sand again, he has been the rock. He has been relatively unaffected aside from acknowledging how much it will suck to be apart. He has been the unfazed one, the steady, reassuring one helping me through. But now, when I look at him, it is so very apparent that it is all hitting home for him too, that he is trying to cope and prepare just as I am. And of course he should be... why wouldn't he?

It all makes perfect sense... so I don't know why it is so unsettling to me. Maybe because somewhere in my mind, if he wasn't nervous or worried, I could rest a little easier, breathe a little deeper, not be as scared or unsettled. But if he is nervous, if he is anxious and unsure (again, why wouldn't he be... he is going to war for crying out loud. I suspect no matter the bravado or what they say, every soldier feels this way pre-deployment.), then it gives more weight to my fears, my nerves, and my worry. I can see that this isn't fair to Swiss... he is more than allowed to do and feel what he needs to in order to prepare for this. He is the one who is taking on the danger and the risk, he is the one who will be living it, he is the one who has to be away from every one and everything he loves. And, gauging by some of the stories I have heard, I would rather have him cope this way rather than pick fights or become totally detached.

But let me tell you this; the sound of his silence is deafening.

Like a popsicle.

A blue raspberry popsicle. Cold and blue.

Okay, I am cold because we totally had an ice storm last night. Yes Virginia, Ice. We are in the south. 1,000+ miles south of home. And our temperatures are the same. Oh, and on Saturday it was 70 degrees and sunny. That, folks, just ain't right.

I am blue because the Big D is looming. Looming like bad weather on the horizon. And everywhere I look there are signs that it is coming faster and faster... the packed rucks in the back room, the yet unpacked gear strewn about the living room, the long silent moments when Swiss is deep in thought. And then there are the things I'm not ready to see yet... the things that I am forced to deal with as I drive through post. Troops packing gear and getting onto buses. Families saying goodbye in parking lots. I have a hard time not letting it hit home.

I would so like to think I am going to be strong, going to be able to keep myself together when that day comes. And I just know I won't. I can't. For some reason I think I shouldn't cry when we say goodbye, I shouldn't fall apart for even a little while. But I know I will. I am scared. I am worried, I am tired of this process of getting ready to leave the one you love. I am frustrated by the lingering questions that won't get answered until he is over there for some time. I am hopeful for our future, but I can't get excited about any of it until he is home safe and sound.

I know that I shouldn't put any expectations on how that day will go. I know I shouldn't put any expectations on myself. It just needs to happen and it is okay if I cry. Swiss knows I show my emotions through my tear ducts. And he knows I will be strong for him and for us while he is gone. But this feeling of anticipation, the preparing to be apart, the cramming everything into what little time we have left... It sucks.

2009!

Happy New Year Everyone!

We just made it back from the tundra and I want to be sure to wish everyone a safe, happy, and speedy 2009. (I do realize that not everyone is all on board the speedy train... but that one is for LAW and me and all the other gals who will have their loves gone for the bulk of it, or all of it for that matter. And when I say speedy, I mean like Mach-12 speedy. Seriously. MACH-12!)

I will get back to normal (whatever that is) posting after the weekend. Swiss and I need a nice quiet break after a twee bit of family drama and the long drive down... we have a lot of football to watch too! :)

Take care and Happy 2009! Happy weekend too!!!

Reality Check.

I had a bit of a reality check while we were (are) home for the holidays. I always knew that this Deployment was going to suck. I knew it was going to suck to be apart from Swiss and be a "single" again. I knew we were going to miss out on a lot of things. But I don't think I really thought hard about what that meant.

This Christmas seemed so precious. And sitting amongst our family with presents and food and laughter, I almost cried when I thought about Swiss not being here for this next year. I started to think about all of the missed Birthdays, our first anniversary spent thousands of miles apart, watching the fireworks on the 4th alone, not having Swiss in the stands for our softball games, missed Thanksgivings (which is my favorite), a New Year's without Swiss to kiss at midnight, a hunting season without him, a football season with no one to curse our favorite team, missing the changing of the seasons, missing hot cocoa after shoveling the snow, ... the list goes on, and I am sure you all know what I speak of. But I'll tell you what: all of those realities hit me like a ton of bricks.

We are getting short on time together, the D-date is nearing ever faster. And no matter how hard I try to sear the sight, smell and feel of Swiss, I feel like nothing will stick. And no matter how hard I try to stretch out the moments we have together, time keeps flying by. I don't like it, not one bit. But I will keep on trying, keep on making the most of what time we have left before the big D. Its really the only option.

Anyway, I hope that all of you had a very Merry Christmas and that you are enjoying the holidays with the ones you love. May your New Year's be grand and here's to a safe, swift 2009.

Home.

We made it back home up North. We pulled an all nighter drive to beat an upcoming storm and avoid icy roads. Boy, that sucked. We are so not as young as we used to be! I remember all-nighters being fun in college... anyway, we are back home safe and sound, spending the holidays with the ones we love and enjoying the massive amounts of snow.

I truly hope that each and every one of you and your families have a joyful, warm, loving, wonderful Holiday season. Best wishes from Swiss and I!

PS- LAW, I took lots of photos of the snowy goodness... I'll post them when we get back! :)

Wish us luck!

We are about to head out.
Due North.
Into Abnominal Snowman Country.

Near as we can tell, we have freezing rain and copious quantities of snow to look forward to. Iowa is listed (yes, the entire state of Iowa) as "Difficult/Dangerous" road conditions and my parents over in Wisconsin got a foot of snow overnight... heck, video footage of my hometown was on the Weather Channel today... that's a lot of snow if you make it to the Weather Channel. If I were a kid I would be giddy... sledding! snowmen! SNOW DAY!!!

But we are hoping to find a seam in the storms and make it home by Sunday. Keep your fingers crossed and hope for good weather! Swiss and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas/Hanukkah and a stellar start to the New Year.

Thanks for all of your support and friendship! Happy Holiday Internets!

Restraint.

I have none. We may have bought Guitar Hero last night at the PX. And I may have a blister on my thumb and cramps in my other hand. See? No restraint.

Plus it is rainy, cold, damp and foggy out today. I say that is a perfect day to OD on video games. Aah, the joys of not working. But I do get to pack tonight (Yippie!) and we have to get everything in order for the journey north. It is hard to believe we've been down here for 3 weeks already, and D day seems like it is coming faster and faster. Watching Swiss work on his web gear and body armour when he is home on lunch brings a lump to my throat. I'm hoping that this holiday will be stress-free (or at least close to it) and that we can really take some time to enjoy this holiday. Sometimes it feels like certain family members are oblivious to the fact that he is leaving, soon, and will miss next Christmas, next softball season, next hunting season, next Birthdays, next everything. So I am hoping that everyone makes the best of our precious time with him... fingers crossed!

I will be without internet access for most of the jaunt home so here's a heartfelt HAPPY HOLIDAYS and let's all hope for a wonderful, safe, and quick 2009!

Are you a juggler?

So Friday Swiss and I get to set out on a 1,000+ mile trek back home to see the families for the holidays. My parents- bless their hearts- are packing up the two pups and all things Christmas related and driving a couple of hours in the winter weather up to our house to spend the holidays, sadly this means leaving my almost 91 year-old Grandpa behind. That makes me sad. But I digress, one of Swiss's 5 siblings will also be flying up with his wife to have Christmas with that side of the family. And there is Swiss's son, Swiss's brother- with whom Swiss desperately wants to go hunting, Swiss's sister-in-law, and of course Swiss's parents. Oh yeah, and I want to squeeze in some time with friends too.

All I can say is HOLY HANNAH!

We really haven't had to do the whole family juggling thing yet. So this will be fun. I think. Thankfully Swiss's mom was more than happy to have my uber-fun parents out to their house for Christmas Eve day. And we will have our own little batch of festivities at our home Christmas day. I think it is all going to work out. Heck, how bad can it be? We will be with our family for the holidays, the last one before the big D. So no matter how mad and/or crazy it gets, I am just going to be thankful that we are all together.

But I digress once again, what tips do y'all have for juggling it all at the holidays?

Oddities.

Does anyone know why the ladies at the Commissary insist on putting your milk into a plastic bag? The big jug of orange juice too? I mean, they come with handles built in for a reason, no?

And does anyone know why there is such an over-abundance of German food products? I am definitely not complaining, just curious.

Also, what is it that makes cable so expensive? Why can't I only pay for the channels we watch? Seriously, there are only ever 12 channels in play at Casa de Tucker & Swiss. And we have like 300 channels.

Finally, why was there freezing rain and ice on the windshield of the truck today when we are in one of the southernmost states of this great union? I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WARM HERE!!!

The end.

Just the basics.

So yesterday, Swiss and I were sitting/laying on our couch/bed/air mattress and I was looking around at our sparse digs. We only have the all-purpose air mattress, a TV, and XBox 360, and our computer... and a couple of chairs too. That's it, other than the necessary kitchen goods. Its a far cry from the cozy comforts of our well stocked and furnished home. Dare I say it's even a little worse than dorm life.

But you know what? It doesn't matter. Not one bit. Because I am so freakin' happy.

Swiss and I are blissfully, disgustingly happy... and I realized, with great clarity, that we don't need any of the superficial stuff to be happy. Just each other. (Don't get me wrong, I like the superficial stuff... I adore my sofa, my KitchenAid mixer, my tchotchkies, all of it. I like my stuff!) Its just that when you boil it all down, all we really need are the basics, everything else is just details. Swiss is what makes my life good (along with a couple of really special folks like my parents), he is what makes it full of fun, comfort, safety, joy. Being together is all that really matters. And that is pretty cool.

Happy Monday internets... I hope your week is off to a good start!

Redemption.

So, last night we had to go to a holiday party. A party hosted by the folks who weren't all that friendly the week before. Needless to say, Swiss and I weren't all that thrilled about going. We even had our escape planned should we need it. We were prepared for the worst.

You know what? It ended up being a lot of fun and it turns out that a few of the ladies that were so standoffish and cold last week are actually very fun, friendly and nice. I even got a few phone numbers and e-mails of these ladies because they want to stay in touch when I head back up north. And of course, there was some liquor involved so you never know how serious they are, but in the very least it made us feel more welcome and a part of the unit family. Most of the guys were still all Hooah, Hooah and Army this, Army that. But we met a few other who were at least willing to talk about something else, which was a nice surprise.

So all in all it was a good night and we are happy that we finally became insiders (kinda) rather than the ones on the outside looking in. And I think this is a good reminder that things aren't always what they seem... and that second chances can be worth it.

Happy weekend internets!

I've been tagged... sort of.

Ooh! I've never been tagged before! LAW tagged me, sort of, it was more of a "tag! your it! ...but only if you want to be..."

The rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you. See above!
2. Post the rules on your blog. Here.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. See below.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs . All of my bloggie friends were already tagged! So if you want to, consider yourself invited!
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website. If any of you want to do this... go for it! Just let me know.
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up. Done.

So here it goes...
1. I have a deep and abiding love for the Sound of Music. I sing along and dance and am generally obnoxious when I watch it. Thankfully that is usually only once or twice a year.
2. I love shoes. No, really, I love shoes. At last count I had over 70 pairs (if you let me include flip-flops). And Swiss is a shoe horse too. We need bigger closets.
3. Some of you already know this... but I am a painter. I would love nothing more than to go back to school for painting and printmaking and try to make a go of it career-wise. Swiss is all for it, but I am a chicken.
4. I am hopelessly addicted to Top Chef, Project Runway and Sex and the City re-runs. Hopelessly. That is damned good TV.
5. I love Sharpies. Love them. I will use a Sharpie as my writing instrument of choice in just about every situation. My favorites are the classic medium tip black ones. Love them. LOVE!
6. I am a terrible over-packer. No matter how long we go somewhere, I over pack by about 5 days. I can't help it! I'm indecisive and I like options!

There you have it! Happy Friday internets! I will keep y'all posted about the dress situation too!

Help!!!

Okay... I already talked about the pending Ball. And I really feel like if I am going to do this Ball thing, I am going to look damned good. And not just fancy good... sassy good. I don't want to be the Belle of the Ball, but I don't want to look like everyone else there. That said, I am not wearing a chartreuse taffeta monstrosity either. Sassy, kicky and sexy... but classy too. Thing a merging of Carrie and Charlotte... That's what I am going for. Problem: the town outside of post only has a Dillard's. And I'm guessing lots of the ladies will be shopping there... and the mall here is scary.

So enter the wonderful world of Internet Shopping! ...Shall we? (I just ask that you keep in mind the fact that I am no size 6... I'm an athletic girl and I'm not that tall... but I am not afraid of heights or stilettos! That and I'm NOT going to spend a fortune on this thing...)


Option 1: Ralph Lauren one shoulder black dress... Ooh! It has a ruffle!

Option 2: Continuing the one shoulder theme, only this time in red.

Option 3: Now let's stay on the red one shoulder bandwagon. I kinda really like this one!

Option 4: One shoulder again! Only this time in navy. (but it comes in black as well)

I am sensing a theme... but moving on...

Option 5: Its green! And not one shouldered! I am totally mixing it up now! (but this one comes in red and black too)

Option 6: Heh... back to one shouldered and in black. (This is Swiss' favorite)

Option 7: This one is decidedly different. Strapless (meh.) and patterned.

Option 8: Black with two shoulders (!) and this one may make me look like I have a teensey waist.

and finally... what? I can't help it! I'm indecisive!!! Just ask Swiss!

Option 9: Another black number that will aid in the teensey waist department. And it's kind of sassy with the belt, no?

And on one final note... Apaches are REALLY loud when they fly right over your house not too far above tree level. Just thought you'd like to know.

Okay Ladies... I need your input! Help me find something fabulous for the Ball! Cast your votes now!

Having a ball.

No, literally, there is a Ball. A formal Ball, and it is about a month away. I haven't been to anything labeled "formal" since my prom (and no, my wedding doesn't count). And the aforementioned prom? Over 10 years ago. 10!!! But I digress...

What I need to know from you ladies is what to expect. And I need pointers on a dress. I found the sassiest, cutest, sexiest black cocktail dress yesterday and SO wanted to buy it. My dear mum had to confirm what I already knew. Cocktail dresses won't cut it at a formal ball. Ball, SHMALL I say! It was a Carrie dress! It was perfect! But I digress once again... what is standard at these affairs? How schmancy do I have to get? HELP!

I definitely need a Crib sheet on these Military Balls (heh... that sounded dirty even when I didn't mean it to be). Cliff notes... whatever you've got.

I'm expecting some good stories Ladies! So bring 'em on!

Musings.

Okay, first the good news. I e-mailed our FRG leader yesterday and introduced myself and gave her the lowdown on our situation. She e-mailed me back almost immediately and seemed super friendly... she invited me to the bake sale they are doing on Monday and I think I will go! I am hoping that the FRG group is waaaaay better than the unit wives. Fingers crossed!

Now, onto my musings. I have never lived on a military installation until now. So much of it is relatively normal. We live in a subdivision (I can hear my friends back home laughing now... I have a thing with subdivisions) and there are barking dogs and the occasional siren. Just like home. But then there are the Apache helicopters flying in formation and doing maneuvers, all of which you can see from our house. Not normal. And I drove past the Division HQ today to see the casing of the colors ceremony as it was happening. I don't get to see ponies or that many flags on a normal day. And I still haven't gotten used to the max 40 mph speed limit. That is SLOW. And the whole trumpets-playing-into-the-PA-system thing twice a day is definitely different too. Oh, yeah, and fumbling to get my ID out as I am approaching the Main Gate. I always seem to forget that I am going to need that!

But things here are good. I don't understand why it is so cold out... we are over 1,000 miles due South of where we live and one would think it would be significantly warmer here. I'm glad I packed a coat! And let me say this too: This is one windy place. Chicago's got nothing on this joint! Swiss and I are going to put up some twee Christmas decorations tonight because I just couldn't stand the bare walls and lack of holiday decor. I think there is some hot cocoa spiked with Bailey's in my future... hooray for that!

Anyway, happy Wednesday internets and thanks to all of you who knew just what to say to lift my spirits yesterday. Y'all did me a world of good! :)

The other shoe.

Okay, how many of you saw the Sex and the City movie? Do you remember the part where Carrie confronts Charlotte (who recently found out she was pregnant) about not running anymore? And then Charlotte said something that broke my heart (and hit home BIG TIME): She was afraid to run because everything in her life was so good. She had a wonderful husband who loved her dearly, and beautiful family, and knowing that bad things happen to good people all the time, she was afraid to do anything (even the things she loved, like running) that may put her pregnancy in jeopardy. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop. (And yes, that was me, the one sobbing at that point in the movie.)

And I ask you readers: Is this normal? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do any of you feel like this? Because let me tell you this: I do.

Honestly, my life is SO much better than I ever thought it would be. Swiss is a truly amazing person... and I am lucky enough to call him my husband and best friend. I cannot imagine being any happier than I am right now. I have a good job, I have an incredible family, I have lovely friends. I have a home, I have my health, I have a comfortable, happy, wonderful life. It makes me acutely aware of how fragile life is, how tenuous our hold on this life can be. Which makes me wonder when the other shoe will drop. And that terrifies me.

I am sure there are some of you who will tell me to not worry about things that may not happen, not to dwell on the unknown, or worry about things I cannot change. And you are right. 100% right. But the thing is that I see so many stories about wonderful, good people who get cancer and die far, far too early, I can't ignore that soldiers are still dying in this war, and I can't get past that fact that sh*tty things happen to good, kind, incredible people all the time.

What makes me immune? What keeps Swiss safe?

What is preventing that other shoe from dropping? Faith? God? Luck? Fate? All of the above?

And then I wonder about tempting the higher power or "fate" or whatever it is... it is hard enough to get through this life unscathed. But what about sending your husband off to war? Doesn't that change the odds? Knowing that a loved one has a history of cancer? Doesn't that too change your odds? At what point are the odds stacked against you? Do we just hope and pray that we are the lucky ones? And how do you find comfort in hoping to be lucky???

Gaw, if you think about this stuff too much you will drive yourself mad. And reading too many stories of families who have lost so much will make you paranoid. I might be there. I promise: I am generally not neurotic, I am not one who loves to create drama that isn't there. But how, dear readers, do you separate yourself from these sad tales? How do you not let them hit home?

How do you not worry that some day, it might be you?

Howdy!

I just wanted to send a shout-out to Kimba for linking to me on her blog. And I want to say a big Thank You for all of those who stopped by and shared your stories. It is so nice to know there are so many wonderful ladies like each you out there and that we can all support one another through whatever comes our way. Few things in this military life can be counted on, so three cheers to all of you!

Thanks again and Happy Monday!

Do better.

For those who know me outside of the blogosphere, they are familiar with my favorite go-to phrase for folks who are either lame, incompetent, greatly lacking in a trait deemed necessary or just plain stupid. That phrase is this: Do better. (Generally said in a defeated tone with loads of exasperation in your voice. It's more effective that way.)

It actually works in many situations. Someone cut you off? Do better. Incompetent co-worker? Do better. Get the wrong order from the drive-through? Do better. Dog has an accident in the house? Do better. It works for just about everything and I find it quite handy. Plus it helps me reign in my cursing.

I hear you asking why the dissertation on my catch-phrase of choice? Aaah, because we had our first unit event. It was a Hail and Farewell held at a very classy location. Think wings, cleavage and tight orange spandex shorts. Swiss and I get there early and meet the man of the hour who was more busy programming his new cell phone than talking to people. Do better. Then we meet the guy who Swiss is replacing in a few months. Now that is one squared away guy, he was cordial and inquisitive and very polite. 1-1. Not too bad so far.

Here's where it gets interesting. The fellows with wives start showing up. We all do our polite introductions and everyone knows that Swiss is the new guy, ergo I am the new girl. And you know what? Not a single wife came over to talk to me. Not one. There were 7 of them. Yes, in fact that would be 7 Do Betters. (1-8) Now I certainly wasn't looking for new best friends or even someone to have coffee with, but I did expect some amount of interaction. Maybe I put them off somehow, but honestly I think I am pretty approachable and rather friendly. There were even 2 moments when Swiss went to the restroom... and I sat there by myself and not a one took the opportunity to talk to me. Even the Senior guy's wife didn't even try to strike up a conversation... and she's been to school for this stuff... etiquette courses and all! But I digress.

We lasted all of about 2 hours (which was honestly about 1 1/2 hours too long) and only Swiss's replacement talked to us and seemed to be the only one capable of talking about anything other than riding motorcycles. We don't ride motorcycles and we don't have a Harley-Davidson so we weren't cool enough to participate in any conversations. I wish I was exaggerating. And heaven forbid we talk about anything else. In fact at one point, Swiss's replacement asked him why/how he got into writing. The senior guys says, "You're into riding!?!" Swiss says "No, writing." Response? "Oh, never mind, I don't want to talk about THAT." Do better.

Final tally? 15 Do betters. (out of 16 no less)

I think more than anything, I was a shocked at the complete lack of couth. The lack of social skills, the lack of friendliness, the lack of effort. Swiss and I left and on the way home we talked about how disappointing it all was and how un-welcome it made us feel. How am I supposed to count on these women during the deployment if they wouldn't even talk to me? How are we supposed to form a well-functioning unit at work and in the homes if people aren't even willing to extend basic politeness?

So yes, it looks like as far as an Army based support group for this deployment? I'm going it alone. Thank heavens for my friends, my family, this wonderful thing called the internets, and you dear readers. I know there aren't many of you, but you are very much appreciated!

The joy of cooking.

Since I am officially not working due to a sabbatical from BigHospital I have felt it necessary to stay relatively busy. And yes, "busy" does include time on the internet, reading home decor and cooking magazines, and most certainly includes quality time with the Food Network. Ina and Alton are my friends... only they don't know me...

Anyway, the best part of not working? The time and energy to cook real, tasty, big meals. I am loving it. And that is saying something since all we have is a tiny galley kitchen. We have an awesome gas range which I am loving and I packed just enough kitchen utensils, pots & pans to keep the dishes coming. It is gooood.

Last night? Killer enchiladas. I used an Emeril recipe but boiled chicken instead of roasting a pork butt. (I said butt.) The night before? Garlic herb pork tenderloin with roasted veggies and quinoa (our new favorite grain- try it, you'll dig it). Next week, my intention is to roll on over to The Pioneer Woman and steal a bunch of recipes for dinner.

Anyway, I've never had so much fun cooking and it's been the second best part of this time off. Of course the first is getting oodles of extra time to hang out with that handsome soldier of mine. Did I mention that said handsome solider has one heck of an appetite? That helps too!

Anyway, have a splendid weekend Internets! Go eat some quinoa!

Packing.

Apparently there are many stages of packing when readying for a deployment.

This I did not know.

We just completed one such stage. And I can say with utter certainty that I did not like it. Not one bit.

See, actually buying items and packing them for such a specific reason & purpose has the unwanted side-effect of really hitting the point home. He is leaving. Not yet, but soon. And it makes my heart heavy, it makes my stomach sink, and it makes my tear ducts really, really want to go into overdrive (but I am getting waaay better at controlling that. I swear.).

I know it is inevitable and that there is nothing to be done to stop it. There is a cause and a need greater than me; and my brave, wonderful, amazing husband will answer the call and make this world a better place. That is something that makes me so proud of him and so proud of our country. But Good Lord I am going to miss that man.

So my resolution is this: Make the most of the time we have now. Savor every moment to the fullest. Soak in the things I will miss most... how he smells after a shower, how my hand feels in his, how wonderful it feels to snuggle up with him, his laugh, his smile, heck... everything about him. Sear every moment into my memory so that I can hold them close when I cannot hold him close. And help him pack.

Life on Post.

HOORAY! I am finally down south with Swiss after two pseudo-Thanksgivings with the families and a real Thanksgiving at a Cracker Barrel somewhere in middle-America.

Life on post is good. Our digs are fine... lots of white walls and odd brown carpeting but they are clean and cozy and life is good with our new HDTV and air mattress bed. It's like posh camping or something. And as you can see... we FINALLY have internet. Double Hooray!

It's been a bit of a trip getting used to living on post. Something I suspect most of you are already familiar with. But it is good. The PX is swell and the Commissary is good too... so many groceries so little time! The things I haven't gotten used to yet? Max speed limits on post of 40 mph. Hundreds of people that look just like Swiss from a distance (ha!). The blaring of "Reveille" throughout the PA systems at 6:30 sharp every weekday and "Retreat" at 5pm sharp every weeknight.

But I will say that I am LOVING all the extra time with Swiss. We get a nice breakfast together after morning PT... generally get to eat lunch together and then all night just hanging out like the normal folks. It is grand.

We got word about the deployment and that is good. Not good that he has to go, but good that we now know details and can make arrangements. His new unit is interesting to say the least and I am sure, like every deployment story I've ever heard, things will change. But I digress, life is good and I'm really liking being a housewife!

Until later... Happy Holiday Season Internets!

Hostage no more!

HOORAY! I am FREE!!!

I got the approval from my most fabulous employer BigHospital to start my leave on Monday thanks to an amazing supervisor and some creative thinking. Swiss leaves (in theory) tonight to come get me(!!!). I could not be happier or more excited to get on with this chapter of our lives. I am excited to see what living on post is like... have my own firsts at the commissary and meet other MilSpouses. I am excited to be with Swiss for the longest continual stretch we have ever had. (And I will be honest, I am thrilled to escape the ever tightening grip of the bitter winter that has descended upon us here in the Midwest). So, South I go... on to new adventures and time with my incredible husband.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone- I know I will!

Aaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggh.

I have a confession to make: My life is being held hostage by the Army. I hear you laughing. I know you've all been here before and it isn't anything new. But it is new to me! Goodness gracious. Talk about not being in control of your own life.

As I mentioned before, my current employer is giving me a large chunk of FMLA time off to be with Swiss before he departs for the Sandbox. And Swiss warned me that everything would happen FAST when he got down to his new post. So I planned and prepared, made lists and packed up my clothes, most of my kitchen goods, and all of my art supplies... got things in order at work, delegated my duties, warned everyone. I was PREPARED! I am an Army wife for crying out loud!

And here I sit.

Luggage and laundry baskets filled with household good are all piled up neatly in the middle of the living room. Folks are already taking over my duties at work.

And still, I sit.

Why? Because there is one piece of paper that I need to get my FMLA leave going. Just one. And we don't have it. Swiss has been on post for over 2 weeks now. Still no paper. Maybe the paper is what is being held hostage?!? Do you think there is a ransom for it? WHATEVER IT IS... I WILL PAY IT!!!

Anyway, I am sitting and waiting, and waiting only somewhat patiently with everything packed up. Waiting for ONE piece of paper. And now the word is it may not come until next week. (And we all know how Holiday weeks go don't we?) Oh heavens. Funny how so much can hinge on one little piece of paper...

Okay. Vent over. Thank you for listening.

Project Valor-IT

Okay, dear readers, I am sure you all are already aware of Project Valor-IT. But, in case you aren't... go check it out and try to add a bit to their totals. It's such a good cause and it is so important... I knew nothing about it until I saw it over at Butterfly Wife's site (Thanks BW!) and I am so glad she posted about it... so now I am doing the same.

Donate under your appropriate "Team" (GO ARMY!) and every cent will go towards helping a wounded soldier stay connected and communicate with friends and family. It's a great cause!

Go check it out already!!!! Project Valor-IT. GO!

Ignorance.

They say ignorance is bliss. And while that may be true... it seems that more often than not, ignorance is hateful, ignorance is harmful, ignorance is the loudest kid in the crowd.

I was over at a favorite website today, The Big Picture, and in honor of Veteran's day the author posted pictures of troops entrenched in the mountains of Afghanistan. They were amazing photographs, action shots, images of the troops, pictures of the locals... all with captions and descriptions.

They were moving. They were incredible and they were sobering.

I scrolled down to read the comments folks had left. Most were about the photographs only, some were thankful of our troops, and a fair share were ignorant. Some of those were mean. Some were downright hateful. Most folks turned it into a discussion about politics or foreign policy. But some were attacking our men and women over there. Name calling even.

I couldn't help but wonder what made these people feel this way? What were they told to incite such strong emotions? How can people NOT separate their feeling about the politics & policies of the war from their feelings about our Troops and fellow Americans? Even when I wasn't a MilSpouse I was always able to separate my feelings about the war from my feelings about our Troops. I can't fathom how or why others cannot do this... it boggles my mind and it scares me how hateful and spiteful people can be towards the very folks who are protecting their right to speak loudly, speak openly and speak freely all from the comfort of their safe homes.

Absolutely mind boggling.

Anticipation.

Today is the day.
Today is the day we find everything out... the Army is going to stop keeping secrets from us for just a little while and the anticipation is killing me!
Am I anxious? Yes. Am I nervous? Heck yes. Am I scared? A little. Am I excited to get word so I can finally go see Swiss? Hell-to-the-yeah!

So, wish us luck... keep your fingers crossed, send a shout-out the to Man Upstairs and hope for a safe assignment (as safe as one could be) and for good news.

Happy Wednesday Internets!

UPDATE: We have housing! Hooray! We got us some on post housing and that is stellar. They totally came through for us and I am relieved that this portion of the equation is completed. Now we wait for the big stuff...

Thank you.

Thank you to all of those who serve, all of those who have served.

Bravely and honorably.

Thank you to those of you who have put your most precious commodity on the line for your country, your families, your neighbors, for strangers and for freedom.

Thank you to the families who have stood behind their soldiers and supported their missions.
And Thank You to Swiss, my husband, my soldier and my veteran. I am so proud of you, so proud of what you do and who you are. I love you.

Thank you.

Photos courtesy of Flickr.

Do better.

Just a weeeee bit of a vent.

The lodging folks down at Fort X gave Swiss only 2 days in the post's temporary lodging. He was supposed to have 10. Two! They only gave him TWO! So now he has to check out before he even in-processes(no vacancies to be sure...) and since tomorrow is a holiday the Housing Office isn't open to help find a solution. Which means finding last-minute accommodations in unfamiliar territory. Lovely. Oh yeah, and did I mention that he can't in-process until Wednesday? (But mind you he just HAD to be down there by Monday.) Brilliant. Ooh! I almost forgot... his commanding officer isn't around or even remotely available. And won't be until next week. So we won't even know what is assignment is until approximately Lord-knows-when.

I don't know how normative all of this is. I just expected a bit better I guess. And it is doubly frustrating because I am 1,000+ miles away and can do precisely SQUAT about it. Not even bake cookies... cookies make everything better.

Anyway, feel free to tell me to get over it... tell me this is normal... or, even better, tell me your stories! Either way I am sure it will make me feel better!

This concludes my vent. Thank you for listening.

UPDATE: Thankfully Swiss' temporary housing has been extended and the Housing Office IS open today. So we will see what there is available and hopefully get one more thing checked off the list. Fingers crossed! (PS- Did you know that even though I am in DEERS and have my military ID the Housing Office still want to see the official marriage license? Madness I tell you! Madness!!!!)

Temporary lodging.

Task: Find temporary lodging.

Sounds simple, no? So I started me search on-line. Got lots of numbers. Tried to look at lots of pictures... but then the little nagging voice in the back of my nugget got louder and louder... Are we going to get taken advantage of? What part of town to live in? What if we end up in a bad part? How big? How nice? Furnished house/apartment? Corporate lodging? Extended stay hotels? Or... is there an option on post? How much to spend? Who can we trust??????

Answer to all of the above: D. I don't know. (PS: I HATE not knowing. You can imagine how well this trait pairs with being a MilSpouse... ha!)

Frankly, the concept of furnished apartments creeps me out. I have no idea why. Maybe because it seems like other people's stuff? I don't know. Most are probably better than the average hotel. Swiss had a furnished apartment that was very nice when we first met. This unreasonable paranoia, coupled with my minorly anal retentive tendencies, and the fact that I don't really trust anyone trying to sell me anything is making this quite daunting.

Gaw... I sound like I have issues! I swear... I'm not this neurotic about everything. You are going to have to trust me on this one.

It's just that we have worked hard to have a nice home, to have that comfortable AO, and I'll be honest: I am insanely attached to my sofa. And my bed. So having to bid adieu to all the creature comforts of home just isn't all that thrilling. Now, being back with Swiss? BEYOND THRILLING!

So, have any of you had to jump into the pool of temporary lodging? Any tips? Any red flags to look for? Or is this just a case of $=nice? Help!!!

And Chapter 2 ends.

It snowed last night. First snow of the coming winter. I awoke to wet sidewalks and a white yard. It is still snowing now. A fitting beginning to a new chapter: Swiss is on his way to his new post as we speak. And I am at work with puffy eyes and a red nose. Curse those pesky tears.

I already miss him, but if all goes as we suspect it will, we should be back together in a few weeks. I am trying to be upbeat about it all, but as you know all too well, it is never easy to watch the one you love drive/fly away. And while I don't think I will ever get used to it, or get any better at it for that matter, leaving is a part of our military lives like it or not.

Thankfully I have one of many great friends who is taking me shopping and out to dinner tonight to keep my mind off the lonely and empty house waiting for me. And even better, my mom is coming up this weekend to hang out and keep me company. I hate empty houses.

My next task is getting the household ready for a leave of absence. Oh, and I have to find some furnished apartments for when we are both at the new post. I don't suspect I can live in the temporary quarters Swiss will be provided with. PS: does the idea of a furnished apartment creep anyone else out? I'm saying we go high on this one and avoid any potentially sketchy digs. Other task: keep myself together as much as I can. I am no good at goodbyes.

Anyway, that is all I have. Have a great weekend Internets!

T-1

Swiss leaves tomorrow. Off to the sun and dust of a state down south. I got my official Military ID (Wow- not a flattering photo AT ALL.) and got all registered and such. It's kind of surreal packing him up and emptying out drawers... I just pray that his trip down is safe and that I can rejoin him soon. I hope your week is going well Internets and take care!

Update.

So for those of you who may not know... Swiss is PCS-ing in a few days. Just Swiss. His unit is slated to deploy in mere months (assuming his assignment goes as planned) so it doesn't make much sense for me to sell the house, up and move South too, no family, no job, no Swiss. So I am sticking it out here in the Midwest until he and his unit comes home from the Sand.

I hate this.

I feel a bit like things finally got figured out. We made it official, we lived together like a normal couple, we settled in. We made a home together. And now he is leaving. Hrrmph.

Now before I start pouting too much, my employer BigHospital is all over FMLA. They are giving me up to 3 months (assuming his unit is still stateside in 3 months) of leave to go be with him down South. Words cannot describe how incredible that is. Of course even that has it's issues (read: mortgage payments without employment!) but it will all be worth it.

Anyway, that is the update. That is where we stand... Welcome to the Army!

Army Wife I am.

Hello Internets!!!

I am back... the honeymoon was lovely and I am officially an Army Wife now. The PCS is looming (read 5 days away) and our time together is getting short. This I do not like. I am prone to bouts of tears when I think about not being able to curl up next to him at night, etc, etc. But I am trying to focus on the positive (the wedding was great... things with us are wonderful) and not dwell on the twee details the Army's plans for him.

Right now, our biggest problem is 8th grade algebra. Yes, 8th grade. I suck at math. Swiss Jr. brought home 20+ algebra problems and our attempts to help just gave us shocking proof how quickly this stuff leaves you when you don't need it for a test next week!

Anyway, I hope all is well with you all and I'm glad to be back! Take care and any algebra-related tips would be greatly appreciated! :)

It begins.

Okay- the madness that is our wedding officially begins today with the arrival of my dearest Mom and her best friend (my second Mom) Carolyn. HOORAY! So I am signing off for a few weeks. We are off to wine country for the honeymoon and I will get back to blogging when we return... likely after Swiss' PCS move in early November. Boo hiss.

I'm off to become Mrs. Swiss and I couldn't be happier! Fingers crossed for good weather and thanks for all your well wishes! Take care internets! :)

Love,

Tucker

My Guardian.

Here she is. She is the Delphic Sybil. Her home is the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. She spoke to me (not literally) when I was 22... on a trip to Europe with my wonderful mother.

I saw the fierceness, the strength in her gaze. I saw her fearlessness. And all these years later (okay, not that many, like 8) she has become my guardian. When I see her, I see someone watching over me, watching over Swiss. Someone who may or may not know the future, but someone who would be willing to step up to any challenge that comes our way.


She also said some pretty wise things. Aside from foreseeing the fall of Troy, the rise of kings, the outcomes of wars, she said this:


"make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life."



She was a pretty smart lady.

New family.

New families are a trip.

Swiss' family is great. But man are they different. Waaaaay different than my family. They are bigger (number, not size!). They aren't really "talkers", I am from a loooooong line of talkers. I am an only child. Swiss is the youngest of six(!!!!!). The list goes on... So getting to know their quirks has been a bit of an up and down roller-coaster... Even more so now with a reasonably major family drama that has sprouted up. But sometimes different can be good. You can learn a lot from different, no? However, there are times when different is just difficult.

I can't decide where we are at now... difficult or different. It will suffice to say that differences really come out when the stakes get high. And they are pretty high right now.

I trust that everything will work out okay and that at the end of the day, as long as Swiss and I end up husband and wife... the day will be a success... Right?

Gawd I hope so!

Have a great weekend internets! :)

A fortnight.

Dude. (yes, I did just say "Dude")

We get married in 2 weeks. That is bananas (maybe even Bananas Foster! Yum!). Everyone is asking me if I am nervous. Lord no! I am not nervous! I am marrying the man of my dreams. Come on people! Oh, and pending deployments tend to put things into perspective, no? Now THAT is something to be nervous about!

Anyway, it is good to have the dress greens in the closet, and the ruck sacks have now made their way into storage downstairs. It feels like home again and that is good. Things are blissfully uneventful around here (save random family drama that we are trying to dodge) and it is grand.

Now for a random thought to ponder: What is your favorite highly-processed food? Mine is Velveeta. Yes, Velveeta by a mile.

Have a stellar weekend Internets! :)

Swiss has landed.

Swiss is home... with all his gear. Lawdy that guy has a lot of stuff (I however should not talk... I have TOO much stuff!) and it is all sitting squarely in the middle of the living room. I love it! (However it should be noted that the TV and Cable can't be turned on with all of the ruck sacks in the way. That HAS to change before Project Runway comes on tonight! I mean it!!!)

Anyway, posting will likely be light during the next month. I want to soak up all the extra time I can with Swiss... but I promise to check in and let y'all know what is going on. P.S. - The wedding is in almost 2 weeks! Hollah!

Okay, have a great rest of the week Internets... see you soon!