My, how time flies.

A new friend of mine is getting ready to head into her first deployment with her boyfriend. It seems like ages ago that I first started to deal with what she is going through now, though it was less than a year ago... so much has happened since then. But I remember. I remember how I felt, I remember how insurmountable it all seemed, I remember the fear and the worry, I remember not knowing how I was going to do this.

I went back and read the post about when we found out. I got misty as I read it because all of those emotions came flooding back. I was in that van again, staring out into the rain, scared, worried, unsure, and trying to be brave. I remember sitting there dumbfounded as to how I was going to do this... how I would make it through 12 months of war, separation and fear.

And here I am, almost a year after that truly crap day and nearly 2 months into the deployment. Certainly not through it yet, but well on our way. I am doing fine, I am coping well, I am doing this. WE are doing this. Does it feel like I am just going through the motions at times? Yes. Are there days when I just can't hold it together anymore? Absolutely. But am I cracking under the loneliness, worry and pressure? Nope. Am I crippled by the fear? No. Do I miss Swiss more than anything? You bet. Does this suck? Yes, and then some. But the most important thing is that we are doing this. We are getting through this and we are doing fine.

So to any of you who have yet to embark on this journey- be honest, communicate, take care of yourself, and know that you will get through it too. Because after all, our guys (and gals!) aren't the only ones who are Army Strong.*

*Navy, Marine, Air Force and Coastie Strong too!

PS: We totally had to watch that Army Strong video at the unit's pre-deployment breifing. I confess that I got choked up- I think it was the mix of my husband deploying, pride, and a good soundtrack. Apparently I am highly susceptable to propaganda. Sigh...
UPDATE: I went back and watched that video again this morning and it still got me choked up. I am weak in the face of good propaganda... but damnit I am proud of my husband and I am proud of what he does, what he stands for and that he is all that is right with the Army. So I am allowing myself to get choked up by it. The end.

Moltes gràcies.

That's Thank You in Catalan*. Thank you for listening to my rant. Thank you for not telling me the things I already know (like... "it could be worse" or "he isn't on vacation" or "I know a guy who's at so-and-so and he didn't shower for months!"). And thank you for understanding. Ooh! And thank you to you new folks for stopping by and commenting... I really appreciate it!

It is another cold, windy, rainy spring day here and I am working on a post about suicides in the military, especially the Army. I will be posting it as soon as I can wrap my brain around the issues. In the meantime... please go check out this new MilSpouse site: LeftFace. It is a new, 'alternative' MilSpouse site for those of us who think a bit more outside of the box, or at least left of the box. It just got up and running this weekend, and I will be posting there quasi-regularly, so go on over and check it out. There are a lot of amazing, smart, witty, and generally speaking great ladies who are posting (or will be posting) over there so go see what they have to say... we'd love your 2 cents too!

UPDATE: I put up my post about Suicides and the Military over at LeftFace... please go check it out and I really want to hear people's opinions and ideas about this topic and I really want y'all to check out the new site. Thanks!

*I have a secret love for Catalonia. You see in my fantasy, Swiss and I would move to Barcelona (or at least have a vacation home there), eat a lot of seafood, get season tickets to see Barça, and stroll up and down Las Ramblas sipping lattes and people watching. Then we would settle in for the night curled up on a balcony overlooking the Mediterranean sipping delicious red wine chatting until we couldn't keep our eyes open. Sleep and repeat. Can you tell this is where our first big post-Army trip is going to be to?

Rant.

Did y'all know that for the past 3 weeks my husband hasn't had a proper shower? Did you know that he's been using bottles of water to rinse off... not bathe, mind you, just rinse off? Did you know that there are only 16 Port-a-Potties for over 100 troops, none of which have been emptied in the past week? (I mean, can you imagine the stench? Can you fathom how disgusting that is? I have no words, but I am gagging at the thought of it.) Did you know that Swiss and his unit have spent the past 3 weeks cleaning up trash and human waste from their new location so everyone else can move in?

I'm guessing you know that I am giving the Army a BIG FAT DO BETTER. And of course I know it isn't the "Army" that is at fault... it's the asshats back at the shiny new FOB with all the cushy amenities who aren't bothering to do their jobs, and the commanding officers who aren't making them do their jobs. All while my husband uses bathrooms that are in danger of overflowing with human waste.

Thanks for taking such good care of my husband... and by that I mean not. Jerks.

The kitchen saga

New Countertop Samples, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Okay... so the kitchen. We all agree that dark counter tops are our favorites- so dark counters it will be. Think #11.

Sinks, stainless it is... you guys are awesome... I never even thought about all the stains on the white ones (I thought mine was just old so it stained more readily).

And here is where it gets interesting. The faucet. Y'all picked #3 (which is secretly the one I wanted y'all to pick because I loved it). I went to Lowe's yesterday to pick up said faucet. Dude. The thing is HUGE. The actual faucet is probably about a foot tall. It would look ridiculous in my kitchen... or most kitchens for that matter. Stank.

So back to the drawing board on the faucet. I will post more options later for your excellent opinions. Hopefully the ones I pick out this time will not be better suited to the home of a NBA star.

I am off to eat some Berry, Berry Kix (2nd favorite cereal) and hang with the mutt before I head out to tromp through the woods with my MIL and SIL looking for shed antlers.

Happy Sunday all!

PS- I finished my painting in art class! I posted it over at my other blog, check it out if you want to!

10 things...

So I got sucked into VH1's 100 Greatest Songs of the 90's tonight before all the March Madness began. Man, we had some great tunes to grow up to. Seriously.

Anyway, that inspired this 10 things, it is the song version: My 10 favoritest songs. Ever. (Which started out as 15 because I am waaaay too sentimental. Hey, at least I was able to reign it in, right?) Oh, and these are in a loose top 10 order... but number 1 is solid... That song will always be number 1 in my heart.

1. "One" - U2
I think this may be the best, most beautiful, soulful song ever written and performed. Perfection.
2. "Lost!/Lost?" - Coldplay
A beautiful song with great lyrics and done in two ways, what more could you ask for? I heart you Coldplay.
3. "Omaha" - Counting Crows
Ugh, having to pick one Crows song... but this one found its way into my heart in 8th grade and never left. I'm still not sick of it. And please, go see this band in concert, they are amazing.
4. "Breathe" - Sia
This song is so haunting and ethereal and even though it is sad, I can't get enough.
5. "Angel of Harlem" - U2
I still remember the very first time I heard this song and truly fell in love with U2. It will always be a favorite.
6. "What Can I Say?" - Brandi Carlyle
She is one of my absolute favorite artists. Too few have heard of her and all of her music is raw and I love her singer-songwriter style. Please, please check her out and buy her albums so she keeps making amazing music. I adore her. And I adore this song. Oh, and her music always hits exactly the right emotional chord with me, she can make me cry with alarming precision.
7. "Le Belle et le Bad Boy" - Mc Solaar
If you are a Sex and the City fan you will recognize this one, but there is something about it, maybe the images that I have linked to it from the show, but there is such a great story there and even in French you can appreciate it and get caught up in it.
8. "Strong Enough" - Sheryl Crow
I always loved this song, it is so honest and the melody is simply beautiful. And then I met someone who was strong enough and it got even better.
9. "Sweet Child 'O Mine" - Guns 'n Roses
I do love me some GnR, and this one is the best. Great guitar (oh Slash, how oddly wonderful you are) and I can't help but sing along every time it is on- at the top of my lungs- and do the Axl sway with the microphone stand. You know what I am talking about.
10. "That's How Strong my Love is" - Otis Redding
So sentimental, we played this at our wedding. It makes me all mushy inside... so sweet and sentimental and romantic. What's not to love? (All I could find for clips are covers, but you still get the gist of it.)

Now that I have spilled my musical beans (that sounds like there should be a fart joke somewhere in there), what are your favorites? Please share!!!

Round up.

Love, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

I am missing Swiss so very, very much today so just because I can I'm giving him so blog Love. This was taken on our visit to Duluth last summer and that is Lake Superior in the background. Oh, how I miss him... it creeps its way into every part of my day, even my dreams. At least we are close to another week down. Is this thing over with yet???

I am generally swamped today and don't have much mojo so I will post the kitchen choices this weekend. I'm really excited and all of your input has been tons of help! (And Hooray for keeping the dark counters!)

Here's wishing all of you a super weekend and enjoy the Spring weather!

The kitchen: part 4

Here they are folks! The faucets! Hooray! Number 'em 1-4 like yesterday and let me know what you love!

Tomorrow I will post everything together and we'll see if it looks fabulous! :)

A-freaking-men!

US Army will end extended tours for soldiers.

Now we just have to hope that this actually applies to Swiss when he goes to Retire next year. Please, please, please!!! The release said that the active duty Army was to phase out the stop-loss process by January 2010. Hell yeah. Swiss will be home in February 2010. Sweet-ass-sweet!

This would be huge. HUGE.

Cross your fingers folks. Cross them hard.

I heart Lily.

I know some of you, loyal wonderful readers, have heard of this woman: Lily Burana. She is a military (Army) wife and a burlesque dancer and an author and a generally kick ass lady. She blogs over here.

Anyway, a friend passed along this nugget of wisdom that Lily wrote for the Los Angeles Times. It's about the whole Dover ordeal and she really summed it up quite well. Better than I ever could, but then again, she is the published author, not me. Anyway, go check it out, The military privacy debate.

Image from lilyburana.typepad.com

The kitchen: part 3

Sinks. Sexy, sultry sinks. Okay. I don't know of ANY sinks that would qualify as sexy or sultry, but I am trying to make this post exciting! Ooh! Sinks!

Is it working?

Hmm. Didn't think so. Anyway, here they are. Stainless vs. white? Boring or quasi interesting? These are the four or so I have narrowed it down to...

Consider them numbered 1-4 and give me your takes. Remember, this is a 1927 home with original white and somewhat plain cabinets. The knobs are simple and a twee bit modern... I got them at Ikea.

And look on the bright side. Once we decide this... we get to pick a faucet! Woot!

The kitchen: part 2

First off, of course I want your opinions! You all are smart, witty and clever ladies who have had more than your fair share of kitchens to deal with... why wouldn't I? Thank you for all the great input yesterday- y'all rock!

Second, in regards to the market here. It is good. Better than the average because our town is home to a 'destination medical center' (talk about marketing terms, right?) so there is always an influx of new residents and employees. Plus, our house is within walking distance of said hospital and in a historic neighborhood... 2 big items that we hope will go a long way in selling this house.

Third, COUNTER TOPS!
We currently have... wait for it... parquet wood flooring tiles as our counters. Niiiiice. (I know you are all SO jealous!) My mom and I got all crafty on it when I moved in (back when I was single) and sanded it down, wood-filled the heck out of it, and painted it a faux black marble. I love the dark counter tops, they look so good with all the white and the lighter floors! But again, pretty taste specific... I can't imagine that they are everybody's cup of tea. So, with that in mind I've picked out some black options to stay with what we have, or some beigey tannishness options to lighten things up.

So, without further adeui, here are our choices... (all are laminate, we just aren't in a Corian or stone price bracket).

New Countertop Samples, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Note- the black ones will be in another post because I am not smart enough to figure out the blogger/flickr issues I am having...

The kitchen: part 2.5

New Countertop Samples, originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

Here are the black options...

I can't wait to hear what y'all think! And I promise I will post pictures of the current counters & cabinets when I get home tonight. Happy Tuesday!

Muwah-ha-ha Monday.

Confession: I read the military news on yahoo.com.

Promise to Self: I will no longer read the military news on yahoo.com until Swiss is home safe and sound.

Yeah, I might have self-induced some panic this afternoon at work. I read an article about our forces shooting down an Iranian drone in Iraqi air space and buried at the bottom was a bit about how a US soldier died in the capital today. Swiss didn't call this morning like he usually does... and cue internal freak-out. Thankfully, about an hour later Swiss called. Turns out he was booked in meetings all day, hence the no call this morning. Big, deep, sigh. Phew... that sucked hard. So I am definitely not playing that game anymore. Fo sho!

But on the plus side, it is B-E-A-Utiful here today. 62 and sunny and I am loving it. Every window in the house is open, I took Fletcher on a nice long walk (he is blissfully wiped out on the floor as I type this), saw my first 6 Robins and got loads of fresh air- no jacket required!

So I am off to eat some dinner, pay some bills, watch Dancing with the Stars and Castle. I heart the television. Happy Monday all!

The kitchen: part 1

Okay... welcome to Kitchen Makeover week here at Tucker & Swiss. It'll be like HGTV, only without the commercials and all the special effects.

Thanks to a hearty tax refund, we are updating the kitchen post haste (partly for me, partly for resale- either way Hooray!). This week I will enlist your help in making some decisions that will help with resale, which shouldn't be too hard for y'all because I know how opinionated you are! See, I know what I like... but what I like is odd, so I don't want to do anything too crazy, I want it to look uber-great when it goes up for sale next year. So that is where you ladies come in!

First things first. Here is the kitchen.

It looks kinda patriotic now that I look at it, but it was never intended to be that way. I fell in love with my red KitchenAid and all my kitchen utensils/accents are red. And there was this insanely bright blue paint that I adored. So it went in the kitchen. But I digress. We need new counter tops, a new sink, new faucet and a new dishwasher.

My first question to you, dear readers, is this: MUST I repaint? Is the blue too much?

I really, really don't want to since it is less than 2 years old and frankly, I think it looks great with the white cabinets and honey floors. But be honest, do I have to bite the bullet?

Tomorrow: Counter tops!!!!

Busy bee.

In a rare burst of both motivation and energy I've been a whirlwind of activity today... and it is only 1430! This is not how I usually spend my Sundays (think PJ's all day, marathons of America's Next Top Model and trying to teach Fletcher to roll over).

Speaking of Fletcher... here he is. Anyway, I got to talk to Swiss (swoon!) which was awesome, then I hit up SuperTarget (I love me some Target), I mopped the floors, vacuumed and made chili. I. Can't. Wait. For. Dinner. Nom.












Then I embarked the MONUMENTAL task of organizing, de-cluttering, and purging the dreaded Back Room. (You know you have one too!) Can I just say that the sheer volume of Army manuals that reside downstairs is enough to completely train all of my neighbors in the ways of the Infantry... I could produce some serious E7's or better here. (We also likely have enough equipment down there to outfit the neighborhood too!) Anyway, now they are all in a confined, contained area and I am not moving them for fear of a thrown out back.


Here they are in all their glory...
So that has been my Sunday. I am back in lounge clothes (I had to chase Fletcher through my neighbor's muddy yard in bare feet. Awesome.) and will be settling in to do my taxes here soon. But don't you worry, there is plenty of telly watching and lounging in my future. That's just how I roll.

10 things...

It is officially waaaaaay to early to be up on a Saturday. But dogs must pee and I haven't yet mastered Swiss's talent of falling back to sleep after ANY disturbance (then again I don't have 18 years of Infantry experience learning to sleep whenever and wherever).

So, because I am bored and the good cooking shows don't come on for another hour I've decided that y'all need to know random things about me (and because, well, you've earned something light & fun loyal readers... all 8 of you... because you put up with my rants, like yesterday, and I love you for it). I am starting out with 10 things but be warned: They are not profound, nor are they fascinating. They are just 10 little things that make me, well, me.

Here goes...

1. I love Orbit’s Minty Mojito gum. It's so tangy and fresh and it's the closest I can get to drinking on the job.
2. Given the choice (and snow/ice is not involved) I will always choose to wear flip flops.
3. I secretly want to be Posh Spice. Seriously. I love her and she is hilarious (it is totally worth the 3:47 to watch this video, it always makes me giggle and she is so fabulously fun, and she can stop a soccer ball in heels. Okay, I will stop gushing now.).
4. My dog is named after archery equipment.
5. I adore Sharpies. They are quite simply the best writing tool ever invented. Check this out. No average pen could do that!
6. I can’t imagine a life without Diet Coke. Honestly.
7. The only time I ever got stood up for a date was in Venice, Italy.
8. I love folding laundry and ironing. Once I heard that Martha Stewart loved to iron too and it made me sad because she is MARTHA and I will never be as good at it as she is. Party pooper.
9. I loathe doing dishes. Something about floating food bits... grody.
10. I grab my husband’s butt every chance I get. *I cannot help this, nor can I stop it (though I will admit that I never really tried). It is like my hand is solid iron and his butt is a powerful magnet. A force of nature that cannot be denied... or at least that is the story I am sticking with. Aren't you glad you know that?

Now don't you feel better knowing all that about me? No? Oh. Okay. Anwhoodles, I am off to watch some cooking shows and then head to class to paint some more. Hooray for painting! Happy Saturday all!

Have I been in a coma?*

*The asterisk is because there is swearing in this post. If you aren't game, stop reading now. Sorry.

Mmmkay. I just saw this over at cnn.com: "After 6 years fighting in Iraq, Americans' interest wanes" and all I can say is, Huh?

This is news NOW? Last I checked, I am pretty sure that the American public lost interest in this war about 2 years ago (if not more). But seriously, you should read this. It is full of really great insight into the 'American public'.

Like this little gem: "...based on recent polling and exit polling from the November presidential elections, the war isn't a big concern to Americans." Well, then, by all means bring my husband home and close up shop. I'm glad none of you are concerned about our troops. I am glad none of you lay awake at night worrying about your husband's safety (in the shower or otherwise) or if he will even come home. Awesome. Oh, and you are welcome. Asshats.

Ooh, and this one slayed me: " 'And obviously after six years, Americans are going to be a little sick of it,' said Michael O'Hanlon, a national security expert at the Brookings Institution." You know, I feel for you American public, I really do. Because guess what? We military families are just so NOT sick of it. We love this! Honest! Actually, we want MORE! More deployments! More PTSD! More Purple Hearts! HOORAY FOR WAR! I am SO fucking sorry that YOU are sick of it poor, poor American public. Asshats squared.

BAAH! *breathe* Okay. Rant over. I know I was a bit harsh, but really people? Really???

It has been one of those days... I am stuck late at work (after coming in early- fantastic!) and I work with a bunch of morons. But, the silver lining is that I get to go out to dinner with a great friend and eat yummy Indian food (I'm hoping for booze too! Does that make me a lush?) Hope I wasn't too much of a Debbie Downer for your Friday afternoon... here's wishing y'all a super weekend with lots of sunny, warm weather! And no stupid 'American public'.

P.S: Glad y'all like the new header too! :)

Shiny newness.

What do y'all think? Do you like it? (I am referencing mah shiny new header up there. I think it is quite schmancy!)

I am trying to spice things up to get me out of this weather induced blah-dom. It doesn't help though that Swiss and I are suffering through an Army induced radio(phone) silence. It sucks. But I digress. I am using caffeine, flickr, Community Ed classes, my iPod and enchiladas to get me out of the funk. God, if enchiladas don't work I have no idea what to do next except add margaritas!

Anyway, things here are fine. I am anxiously awaiting Spring like a junkie awaiting their next fix. Seriously, this winter is killing me and I was only here for 6 weeks of it. (I think that is a clear indication that we need to move south-ish, no?) But I am really pumped about this weekend... I have a birthday celebration with a friend on Friday and more oil painting on Saturday (with bonus wine-counter time at Val's place). So all we need do is get through the next 2 days... work is such an inconvenience! Gaw!

Change is gonna do me good.

So, being here, at home in the upper Midwest, working and going on with life like nothing has changed in the last year and a half is getting tedious. Maybe it has something to do with knowing that I am leaving in 10 months. Maybe I am just ready to not be in transition (Ha! *Snort* Who am I kidding?) Maybe I am just ready to get on with the life that is waiting for me, for us back at Fort X.

I am tired of my job. Not that it isn't a great one and not that some of the folks I work with aren't amazing, because it is and they are. I am just tired of being here. I am tired of cleaning a house I know I won’t be in a year from now. I am tired of pretending to everyone who knows me that once Swiss comes back I won’t be leaving. (Heck, my bosses have actually told me I can’t leave and I've had to lie my ass off so far. Awesome.) I am tired of going through the motions of the life Swiss and I used to have. God, I sound so melodramatic... get a grip girl!

I think I am just really ready for the changes that await us. And perhaps some of this has to do with how this deployment is playing out. Not on Swiss’s end, on mine. I dealt with all of the pre-deployment anxiety, the anticipatory grief, the crying jags and the practically numbing fear when we first learned of it in May. (I blogged about that super fun day too if you care to read.) I didn't really know what to expect to feel like when he actually left. I didn't know how well I would handle it (I had high hopes but you never know…). Surprisingly, I don’t feel even remotely like I did last summer. I am okay, still a bit scared and worried, but dealing with all of this just fine, thank you very much.

See, it was the fear of how I would cope, how I would handle this is why I decided to come back here to our home and not move to Fort X for the duration of the deployment. This way I would be near friends, near family, keeping as much the same as I could… like our house and my job. But now I just feel out of place. I know none of our/my life here is permanent like I thought it might be. Not my job, my house, or my surroundings. It has been kind of liberating to know that I don’t NEED any of this. Just Swiss and my family (and dear Val who I can’t bear the thought of leaving). But this lag time between the now and the future is awkward at best.

There is no solution. This is just me venting. The end.

Because one blog isn't enough.

So, since one blog isn't enough (clearly my husband is deployed and I have nothing better to fill my time with) I have started up a new twee little blog: Tucker & Swiss Part 2: Art Supplies & ACU's.

I'll be using this blog to post photographs I've taken and paintings I've done and inspirations I find along the way... Its all about the arty, not the Army. So anyway, feel free to swing by when you get bored... it isn't anything too thrilling but it is my new pet project that will hopefully keep my creative juices flowing while Swiss is away.

Okay, that's all! Hope everybody's week is off to a good start!

Sunday.

It is snowing. Again. BAH!

Oh, and we even had a rainstorm this morning that wasn't so much rain as it was tiny frozen pellets of ice falling to earth. Aren't we done with this yet??? (Oh, and just a little post script here: it is 84 at Fort X. 84!!!!)

Anyway, I will stop my complaining now. My oil painting class yesterday was pretty awesome. I am pumped about this new medium and the teacher was pretty good (though he totally squashed my attempt at a non-conventional framing of the subject... where's the fun in that??). I'm just bummed that I have to wait another week to do it again!

So, I am off to make some meatballs and hang out with my mutt. Happy Sunday and enjoy the warm weather wherever you are (and if you feel like shoveling, just call me!)

Happy little trees.

Today is my first oil painting class. I am just a twee bit giddy!

I have wanted to take this class (through Community Ed) for ages and it always filled up or conflicted with my schedule. But now I get to go! Even Swiss is stoked. He has a million ideas for me to paint... now I just need to know how to do it! I'm hoping it goes well and that I really like it.
So, I am going to chanel Bob Ross and am off I go to paint happy little trees, happy little streams, and happy little clouds. Wish me luck!

PS: I've been putzing around with a second blog with my paintings and photos... check it out if you like, it still needs tweeking... Tucker & Swiss Part 2: Art Supplies and ACU's.

I don't think this is what they meant by packing.

I don't think this is what they meant by packing., originally uploaded by Tucker&Swiss.

I was going through all the pictures I took from when we were in Fort X and I came across this one... I couldn't not post it.

This is my husband people... trying to pack himself into his duffle. (I think it was a test run to see if he could fit, because then I would fit and he could pack me with his gear. aww)

Anyway, happy weekend Internets!

Meh.

Oh Friday, how I do love thee!

This work week has sapped my brain like, well I don't know, but I do know that right now I have the IQ of toast. (mmm. toast!)

Swiss is struggling with his role over in theatre right now. And I am struggling to not be insanely happy about it. No, not happy that he is struggling, happy about his role. See, Swiss is used to being the tip of the sword. He is used to being the one in charge. He is used to doing things the right way. And none of those things are happening right now.

He is in an office and slated to be the 'mayor' of their new FOB. I am happy as a clam because I know he will be safer. I can rest much easier at night not worrying about him out on foot patrols and conducting raids. But I am doing my best to be supportive and understanding of his wish to be doing more.

I honestly think that he would be happy just doing more in his current assignment, and I suppose the 'boredom' of being in transition isn't helping anything. He is frustrated that there is little for them to do... frustrated that he is thousands of miles away from home with no discern able task to do. I, on the other hand, am pleased as punch that he is tucked away in a safe place. But I suppose this is a good problem to have, so I will cease and desist.

I am off to enjoy a glass or two of wine, draw and watch silly TV. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Woot!

We officially have an address!
I CAN SEND MAIL!

And now those monster cookies will stop taunting me because they will be far, far away... Aah, the little things in life.

Reality check.

So now that Swiss is officially “in theatre” I have been oscillating between calm logic, moderate anxiety and fear. This first month was such an odd one; he was never in danger, he was safe in Kuwait, nowhere near danger or risk or, well, war. I got used to it. But things are different now… it has taken a few days for it to sink it. He isn't ‘safe’ anymore. I don’t get to not worry anymore.

This whole deployment thing feels very different nowadays. There is a weight and legitimacy that this deployment hasn't had yet. This is very real.

I know that sounds lame. Of course it is real. 4,252+ is REAL.

But this past month was so easy, so worry-free, so easy to manage… I just missed him, I didn't fret over his safety or the dreaded knock on the door. Now, everything is different. There are real threats, there are IED's, there is a war. And Swiss is in the middle of it.

I know that his new job is one that is ‘safer’. I know that he isn't on foot patrol every day like last time. I know that he will be able to stay on the FOB for the most part. But I also know that this, really, means nothing. Accidents happen, surprise attacks happen, and at some point he will have to go off FOB and there is no controlling what happens out there. He is not immune. He is not invincible. He is at war.

Holy shit.

Anyway, I am still coming to grips with this. I was prepared for this, but the extended stint in Kuwait snuck in and washed away the preparation, the fear, the nervousness, the harsh reality that he isn't just away at Warrior Forge or Ranger Challenge or FTX. It feels like I am starting all over again and the stark realities of the situation are like blows to the gut.

Starbucks wisdom.

I was hesitant to post this… solely because it would bump Daniel Craig further down the page. But I found a nugget of wisdom that was printed on my Chai 2% Latte this morning:

“I have faith. Faith in our wondrous capacity for hope and good, love and trust, healing and forgiveness. Faith in the blessing of our infinite ability to wonder, question, pray, feel, think and learn. I have faith. Faith in the infinite possibilities of the human spirit.”
–James Brown (Emmy-winning sportscaster and co-host of FOX NFL Sunday)

And you know what? James Brown is right. And good for you Starbucks for putting such nice messages out into the universe with every cup of joe.

But, then again they also told me on my cup insulator that “Your next ‘Action Item’: Do as little as possible.”

Methinks that might offset the all the good ju-ju they put out there on the cups. Either way, the Chai Latte was super yummy. Oh, Swiss and I just marked 1 month down this weekend... only 11 more to go! Happy Monday All!

Updates.

Swiss is in his new location. I think I can finally send him mail (!). Which means I will be making Val's excellent Snicker doodle recipe post haste. Yum. Nix that, Swiss just requested Monster cookies. I told him I couldn't possibly chop up the dog and put him into cookies. heh.

Actually,Fletcher is doing fine and he let me sleep until my alarm went off this morning. And he hasn't peed anywhere he shouldn't yet (though it is early). Hallelujah!

I am SO over this cold, bitter, snowy, icy winter thing. Ask my why I live in the upper Midwest and I honestly couldn't tell you. Fort X is looking like Daniel Craig about now.




















You are welcome for that, BTW.

Swiss and I have decided to take a second Honeymoon when he gets back... and talk of this makes me positively giddy. Where should we go? What should we do? Stay near or travel far? Tropical? Woodsy? Beachy? Lodgy? Such decisions!!!

Anyway, that is all I have to share. Nothing too exciting here... but I did get new slippers! Woot!

4,252

At least 4,252 US military personnel have died in Iraq since the March 2003 US-led invasion, according to an AFP tally based on the independent website www.icasualties.org.

4,252 families with broken hearts.
4,252 soldiers who will never grow old, never see their children grow up, never fulfil their dreams & goals.
4,252 less brave & honorable souls in this world.

This is information that people need to know. Maybe this number will wake people up. Then again maybe nothing will. God, 4,252. I don't even know what to say to that.

Catching up.

Since the fog of this cold has started to lift, I actually have enough motivation to do something more than sit on the sofa. Go me! So, what do I all have to say.... hmmm.

Let's start with Dover. The verdict is in and Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates is opting to reverse the existing policy. At first glance I had a twinge of angst and fear, then I took a minute an read further. (Whoa, what a concept.) This is what he had to say:

"After receiving input from a number of sources, including all of the military services and the organizations representing military families, I have decided that the decision regarding media coverage of the dignified transfer process at Dover should be made by those most directly affected: on an individual basis by the families of the fallen," Gates told reporters at a briefing at the Pentagon this afternoon. "We ought not presume to make that decision in their place."

And you know what? He is right. It is our choice. Who are they to say yes or no on our behalf? That should be my choice, your choice, heck- even our service member's choice. I think this is a big step forward for us MilSpouses... I mean, the government is actually trying to do what is right here. They are stepping aside and have realized that, at least on this issue, is isn't about them, it is about the families and the wishes of our fallen troops. So I say well played... and thank you. (And I won't get into all the crazies who are taking this all out of context and jumping to irrational conclusions, or claiming that this new policy is disregarding the wishes of military families... I don't have that much motivation yet!)

In other news, the apocalyptic snowstorm predicted for today turned into only a few inches of wet, heavy snow. Either way, I am SO over winter in the upper Midwest. However, my neighbor Wayne totally rocks because he cleared off my snow covered sidewalks just to be nice. I am nominating him for sainthood post haste.

Swiss is doing well and many of our unanswered questions are finally getting answered in regards to the when, where and how of this deployment. Good news all around. I have started medicating Fletcher (I kid, I kid) with rawhides, he is doing much better.

And lastly, I give the finale of Top Chef two huge thumbs down. Hosea? Seriously? Do better. You really had to go with the tool box who cheated on his girlfriend on national TV and is completely devoid of any personality? Bah. Talk about unsatisfying television. I demand a recount.

Ooh! One more thing... this is SO WAY COOL. I want to do one on my flickr page. Did I mention that I heart flickr? Well I do.

Better.

As you all know from my last post, things have been a bit rough here at Casa de Tucker and Swiss. But today is another day and things are better. I can breathe through both my nostrils and I don't feel like my head is about to pop off. So that is good. And I have the BEST husband (I am sure many of you ladies would argue this one, but I am standing firm) on the planet. I cannot fathom how much harder this would all be if Swiss wasn't so supportive and understanding and in general, awesome. That is all I have to share, but I wanted to say thanks for all the support and encouragement y'all gave me. You ladies rock.

Short and to the point.

I am in a foul mood.

I am sick of being sick. I am sick of winter. I am sick of my dog waking me up at 4:30 every morning (what a lovely new habit he's grown into). I am sick of dealing with the housing office at Fort X who insists on screwing us out of money. I am sick of being exhausted. I am sick of being alone. And I am sick of missing my husband.

Awesome. Did I mention that I am sick of sucking it up? I am sick of whining too.

...told you I was in a bad mood.

Okay. I won't ruin anyone else's day. This is Tucker signing off.

Monday, Monday.

I have nothing profound to share. So I will stick with my latest penchant for lists.

1.) This article is good. Interesting. I will have more to write about it later, but for now check it out.

2.) This deployment, though only 3+ weeks old, has very clearly shown me that I was spot on when I picked the gals for my inner circle. They have come through with flying colors, just by being there and for letting me know that they care, and I say thank you. You two know who you are.

3.) I am SO over this cold. OVER! (And I thought one of the perks to being married was someone to take extra good care of you when you are sick... The Army is interfering with my wifely rights!)

4.) We finally got word of Swiss's final* destination. It is, I quote "in need of some infrastructure improvements before it is safe ... to occupy (Sewage,Water, Electricity, etc need some work). I will tell you up front that the living conditions ... will be spartan at best compared to previous rotations..." Poor Swiss.

That's all I have for now. Perhaps if I get to breathe out of both my nostrils I will post more later.

*Final is a loose term in the Army, I know this now. So it is, of course, subject to change.

Tough like aluminum foil.

That's me. I almost always keep myself together when I talk to Swiss... no tears. I don't want him to worry about me or think that I am struggling in any way (this is an issue more related to his ex-wife and how she chose to handle the last deployment rather than an issues Swiss and I have). I don't even tear up when I talk about it at work or with friends. I don't want their pity. I usually only cry to my mom when she tells me that it is okay to let it out or when I'm home alone missing him so much I just can't stand it.

But Gawd... all it takes is an e-mail from that man and I dissolve into a blubbering mess in front of the computer. He has a way with words (did I tell you about the time he wrote me a poem for a housewarming gift before we were even dating? Talk about swoon!) and he is so genuine, honest and so unabashedly romantic that I simply cannot read his e-mails without crying big, fat, juicy tears. Lord I miss that man.

In the end though, I figure that this isn't a bad dilemma to have. You'll never hear me complain that my husband is too sweet or too kind or too romantic. Just that he is too far away...

I love you Swiss!

Saturday.

1. I am sick... I have a cold. I hate being sick. And it snowed 6 inches last night. I hate shoveling when I am sick even worse than just being sick.

2. I miss the Commissary. Limes cost twice as much here as they do there. Chicken is 3 times as expensive here. And they give you 4 times more plastic bags than you really need. Oh dear Commissary, how I adore thee!

3. My dog is insane. Maybe not clinically, but I've seen enough to feel comfortable with my diagnosis.

4. I miss Swiss. As always.

Giggles.

Okay, after all that heavy stuff the last couple of days, Kimba pointed me in the direction of this. Waaaaaay too much fun!

Me, Hero Style.

Me, Normal Style (Not as skinny and with smaller boobs.)

This is Swiss. Or at least my Hero version of Swiss: Part Soldier, Part Superman. Swoon.

Well, duh.

I think the title of this article deserves a big fat DUH: Strains, threats put U.S. military at risk.

But on the positive side, it was on the front page of MSNBC.com. So maybe, just maybe someone will read it and actually think about what is going on.

One can hope!

Choices.

We make them every day. Some are small. Some are huge. Some we will forget in minutes. Some we will think about years later. Some will alter the course our life. Some will change nothing.

But I ask you this: When you choose something, does it mean that you give up your right to complain? Does the choice you made trump any expression of your frustrations, worry or anguish? Does the act of choosing void any right to bemoan your situation?

Put it this way: If you choose to have children, do you forgo the privilege of complaining about your child not sleeping through the night? Do you not get to whine about spending all your time and money on your kid and not yourself? No aggravation over mounds of dirty diapers and spit-up caked clothes? Does that choice mean you don't get to gripe about all that parenthood entails?

I would guess that anyone reading this (especially anyone who is a parent) would shout a resounding "Hell no!" Am I right?

So I ask, then, why do members of our military (including their families) constantly get this sentiment thrown in their faces: "You chose this." (meaning joining the armed forces)? I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this, how many times I have seen it in comments left online, how many time my MilSpouse friends have been confronted with it.

When we complain about the ridiculous up-tempo deployment cycle we are in and the treatments of our troops, what do we hear? You chose this.

When there are complaints about what war does to a soldier and the woes of PTSD treatment, what do they say? You chose this.

When we are upset about missing holidays with our loved ones, being separated from your spouse for up to 15 months at a time, consoling children who miss their parent, taking care of everything at home alone, what is the response? You chose this.

Why is it different for us? What makes this any different than any of the litany of choices people make in life and then complain about... marriage, careers, family, finances? Why do John & Judy Average-American get to whine all they want about every choice they've made when we aren't allowed to complain about military health-care, ignoring PTSD, families on their 5th or 6th or even 7th deployment in as many years, inadequate body armor, death tolls, the cost of staying connected during deployments?

Instead of sympathy or curiosity or understanding, we get "You chose this." What is it, exactly, that we did to unknowingly relinquish our right to complain, admonish, disapprove, question and just plain whine?

We chose to serve our country.

PS: I'd like to thank my MilSpouse friends for your take and wisdom on this subject... I might have borrowed some of your arguments, but it was because you said it better than I ever could. You all are amazing!

Ramblings.

So Swiss and his unit are in limbo. And Swiss is aaaaaannoyed. They have been at their in-processing location for almost 3 weeks now and they still don't know where they are going. They are stuck in this current location for at least the next 3 weeks, maybe more. The higher ups have known this unit was coming for months and never bothered to cement a final location for them. So endless weeks of limbo. (Note: This does not bother me in the least because I know he is super safe and there is virtually no threat there. This equals Tucker breathing easier and worrying less. So it’s a good thing in my book.) But I see his frustration… why send all of them over there if you don't even know what do to with them? What were they doing when they should have been planning for this units arrival? And what are they all supposed to do over there with no mission or tasks? It boggles the mind.

Anyway, I realized today, as I was explaining Swiss's situation to a friend that I just shouldn't bother talking about it. At all. Not to anyone except my inner circle and you all. Why? Because her reply to this tale was this: "Well, that's normal so it isn't a big deal." Not to sound snarky, but last I checked she had no military ties or experience so how would she know? And, in fact, this situation is entirely abnormal. I just don't understand the incessant efforts to minimize what ever it is that is going on.

Yesterday some of us at lunch were talking about Swiss and how things are going over there, communications and the like and I mentioned that they need to pay $65 a month to have personal internet access, on top of having to pay to call home. (I think this is shameful, but that is for another post) One of my dear friends agreed that there should be another option, or at least a cheaper one. But another co-worker said that $65 wasn't that big of a deal and that is what she has to pay. I then pointed out that many of these families aren't just paying the $65 a month she is… they are paying whatever their bill at home is PLUS the $65 just to stay in touch with their loved ones, to see their kids growing up in the year that they are gone, etc. All of this ON TOP of a home phone/cell bill and the necessary minutes on the calling card. That kind of ended the discussion.

I know I blogged about this all before. And I know nothing has changed. I guess it still surprises me, catches me off guard. It boggles my mind how some folks don't seem to put 2 and 2 together. They only see one side of the story, they only look at what is on the surface, don't dig deeper to uncover the real issues. Maybe this is the new American way. But I don't understand it.

I don't understand the us vs. them mentality. Sure, I have gotten 'sympathetic' responses from a few (not that I am looking for those... maybe they are better classified as understanding responses or thoughtful responses) but often times these interactions make me feel like what we are apart of Swiss, you, me, your families, your soldiers, marines, sailors, etc. is trivial. That it isn't that big of a deal. That we signed up for it, so suck it up.

I always suspected that the notion of a "Warrior Class" was true... that some people really viewed things this way, whether they realized it or not. But I had never been face to face with it until I sent my husband off to war and came 'home'.

Maybe it isn't fair to expect anything more out of the peripheral people in my life. The people who care about Swiss and me, they ask, they try to understand, they listen, they don't judge or dismiss. They make me feel like what we are going through is a big deal. Because it is. They make me feel like it matters. They make me feel like we matter. That we aren't a disposable commodity, that our sacrifices are real, that while we may have signed up for this it doesn't make the issues any less valid.

Enough. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. Maybe that is the wrong attitude to take, but I don't have it in me to fight this fight right now.

The how, the who, and the where from.

Now we have some answers about the new 'Surge' into Afghanistan.

How many? 12,000.
Who? Army & Marine troops
Where? Fort Lewis and Camp Lejeune

I don't know anything about the units that have been tagged. Nor do I know anyone affiliated with them. Do any of you out there?

UPDATE: Per Yahoo! News: "The 2nd Marine Expeditionary Brigade from Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, with approximately 8,000 Marines will deploy to Afghanistan in late spring 2009," the Pentagon statement said. The 5th Stryker Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division from Ft Lewis, Washington, will deploy approximately 4,000 soldiers to Afghanistan in mid-summer 2009. Approximately 5,000 additional troops to support these combat forces will receive deployment orders at a later date."

But I do know this: I worry that they are already war weary. I worry about their families. I worry that this insane up-tempo deployment cycle won't stop for years and years to come. I worry about what that will do to our military. What it will do to our troops. What it will do to their families.

I know this is needed. Needed to get the job done. Needed to oust Al Queda and put the proverbial boot to the throat of the Taliban. But what is the long term cost going to be after all that has already been asked of them?

I read this OpEd about how W turned our military forces into a neo-French Foreign Legion just now and I found it very interesting. I don't agree with everything he wrote (particularly the bit about 'hiding' troop deaths and the implication that Dover should be open to the media. I've already voiced my opinion on this here.) but I do think he raises some interesting points.

Do I think W used our troops as props rather than make choices that were in their best interests? Yes. Do I agree that we as US citizens have been alarmingly compliant and quiet about this war? Yes. Do I think that 'diversity' is necessary (by this I mean economic and societal) in our military in order for them to be something more than just a Warrior Class? Yes.

And finally, this:

"... Shouldn't we wonder just why, despite all the reverent words about "our troops," we really seem to care so little about sending them back into the wilderness again and again?

Where indeed is the outcry?

The French Foreign Legionnaires knew better than to expect such an outcry: The elites for whom they fought didn't give a damn about what happened to them. Our military may not yet be a foreign legion -- but don't fool yourself, it's getting there."

Yes. I agree.

One time...

Did I (se335ZSWEWWDF... That was Fletcher popping in to say yo.) tell you all about the time I got our official wedding picture DVD 2 days before Swiss left and then proceeded to leave the disc in his laptop?

Yeah, I sent the only copy of our wedding pictures to the Sand. I am so smooth.

Musings.

I miss hearing 'Retreat' every night at 5:00.

I miss seeing ACU's everywhere. I know that is odd, but somehow I found it very comforting. Maybe it was just being surrounded by folks like us. Folks who know.

I miss the weather down at Fort X. I know it was bi-polar but it is a helluva lot warmer than it is here.

I even miss the piles of dirty, sweaty, stinky PT's on the floor.

I guess, in short, I miss our Army life. I suppose that kind of goes along with missing Swiss... our time at Fort X was when we really got to be us. Married us. Together, happy, and well, together.

Compare & contrast.

So Swiss and I talked yesterday and it was great as always (except that one time). I was feeling a little mopey, sitting around our house alone on Valentine's day with a sweet but high-maintenance dog. I seriously don't think I have said "no" that many times in one day ever, but he is still a baby so it is to be understood. Anyway, when I talked to Swiss, I realized that I am the one who has it good. I still get to complain, sure, but he would SO win if we ever had a contest.

See, I may think it sucks to sleep without him next to me, keeping me warm, and it does. But I know that it sucks more to sleep in a dusty, dirty tent with 65 other guys, a cot, zero privacy and no pillow.

I may think it sucks to come home to an empty house and not have someone to curl up with on the sofa. But I know it sucks more to have your days filled with nothing but work, eating and PT... no TV, no internet, no comfy sofa, no home cooked meals.

And I may think it sucks that due to their temporary status I can't send him any mail, I can't send the boatloads of stuff I've already gotten him. But I know that it sucks more to not be able to get mail of any sort from anyone back home.

Anyway, this is me sucking it up and knowing that my soldier has it way worse than me. I put my big girl panties on this morning apparently... anyway, enjoy your Sunday everyone!

Happy Cupid's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day to my Happily-Ever-After.

I love you Swiss, with all my heart.

Say.

Hmmm... what do I want to say? It has been a long week and the synapses aren't firing quite right. I suspect wine would make it better. But here's the short-list.

I want to say a heartfelt Congratulations to Beth and Ethan. This doesn't really change anything about you two, but I am so happy for you none-the-less. Now let's get on with the business of free cake.

I want to say that even though I work at an 'elite' world renowned hospital (I hope that doesn't sound boastful because it isn't meant to be), I still work with a bunch of idiots.

I want to say that Valentine's day is lame. Of course I am only saying that because Swiss is about 7,500 miles away and I will be spending my Valentine's day with a dog (albeit a very cute dog). I would feel totally different about all of it were Swiss here. I admit this whole-heartedly.

And finally, I want to say that I don't have anyone to eat sushi with. And no one to curl up on the sofa sipping wine with. And that sucks. I miss Swiss. I miss him a lot.

Potluck.

It is Thursday and there are a million things I would like to post about, but there was too much drama this morning and now I am spent. So I am going with twee versions, somehow I think it will be easier.

1.) There has been a lot of talk about the policy regarding media access to Dover and what President Obama will do. (For you non-military readers, it is the Air Force base where troops who have died in action are returned to their families.) I have strong feelings about this, but I don't think I could articulate them as well as SisB did over at her site. So go read her blog... in my opinion, she was spot on.

2.) We just got new recycling bins today. I kid you not, it is a giant green trash bin that is actually bigger than my real trash bin. Way to go Waste Management.

3.) Dogs poop a lot. I know that isn't at all eloquent, there you have it.

4.) I am pretty dejected that my phone call with Swiss this morning was filled with urgent legal issues, phone numbers to call, and documents to retrieve. I am beyond upset that he is so frustrated and worried and agitated- and all I can do is tell him that I will try to fix it. And mostly, I am furious that a woman like P (Swiss's ex-wife) is still managing to fuck things up years after their divorce. After all that she did, all that she put him through the last deployment, I am enraged that she is doing it all over again (albeit to a lesser extent, not much can top what she did last time). And I am downright pissed of that her antics meant that we had to talk legal issues instead of happy things, normal things, couple-y things. I am going to stop here, because if I get going there is no telling what I might do. I hope she gets hit by a bus. And I know that is going to mess up my Karma big time.

5.) I am not Catholic, but man, the Vatican almost made me fall out of my chair. I shall have dreams of Darwin and the Pope frolicking together in a field full of daisies & puppies. Maybe singing and twirling a la The Sound of Music (don't tell anyone but I secretly LOVE that movie).

and finally,

6.) I miss my husband. (Even though the Army doesn't yet think we are married. Despite my being enrolled in DEERS and having shown the marriage certificate to no less than 7 offices/departments at our assigned military post. I wish I were joking.)

The end.

Civilian life.

So, I have been back to work for 2 days now. Officially back to civilian life and "normal". I was only gone two months, but the damage has been done and what was "normal" is now some odd, not-quite-right version. And of course I am now acutely aware of how ignorant and uninformed we all are/were (that was me just 2 years ago, guilty as charged) in the civilian world.

(Necessary back story: Swiss and I have a house in the Upper Midwest, a town of about 100,000 with only two big employers... a hospital and a computer manufacturer. The only military presence is the Armed Forces Recruiting Center in the strip mall down the road from our house. It is a pretty conservative town, but also pretty isolated from the usual trappings of 'city' life. Swiss's unit is based down South, so for the meantime while he is deployed we are keeping our home here and that is where I am currently living.)

I have been asked how long the deployment is countless times. And every time I say a year, I get flabbergasted responses, as if this standard year deployment is something they'd never heard of. I don't mean to be snarky and I certainly can't and don't expect everyone to be all up on Army tours of duty, but hasn't anyone been watching the news? Reading the newspaper? Paying attention? FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS? SIX!!!

And then I got the "Well, now that Obama is in office maybe they will just bring him home?" bit today. I suppose that is just wishful thinking on their part, trying to be helpful, positive. But again, if folks were paying any attention to this war and the politics behind it, they would know better.

Am I being too harsh here? It just seems like no one here has any real understanding of what is going on, what it means to be at war, that we can't just up and leave because we got a new President, etc. And of course I recognize that I am particularly & acutely aware of all of this, because of Swiss's job, because he is deployed. I know that my grasp of what is going on isn't the same as your average citizen who has no stake in this war. But should that matter? Am I being overly sensitive to this? I mean, my husband and so many others are over there risking everything in the name of a country that has practically forgotten (or don't care to know in the first place) that they are even gone.

And what's worse is that when I talk about the military (which I think I should learn not to do), some have such a cavalier attitude about it. Like, what's the big deal? So what, deployments are what they do? To some extent they are right. Yes, deployments are part of the job. But I just doubt that any real thoughts have been put into what a deployment really means. No thought to the emotional issues, the family issues, the health issues, the fear, the worry, the separation from loved ones and friends. Not to mention the living conditions, not being able to see or be with your wife/husband, missing a year of your child's life, living first hand the horrors of combat, the anxiety and fear that you might not come home. It is the "That's what you signed up for" mentality. And I don't know how to react to that.

And of course not everyone is this way. Thankfully I have friends who ask when they don't know, ask because they care and want to know what is going on (presumably because now they know someone in the military, know someone dealing with a deployment, which is fair). But shouldn't everyone be this way? Shouldn't everyone care? Shouldn't everyone want to know?

I guess I just that that regardless of how one feels about the war, about the military even, I would hope that if your country and countrymen are risking life and limb and dying for our country (insert your appropriate political persuasion's comment here), you would at least care to pay attention. Then again, the media isn't helping this situation at all either. If you didn't know any better, an hour watching the news would likely leave you with no inkling that we have nearly 200,000 troops at war in two countries. And that is abominable in my book.

Anyway, that is my rant. I guess this is just a part of being the 1%.

This sucks.

Don't mind me. I am just feeling like whining. So consider this your fair warning.

This deployment stuff sucks. Of course it sucks for all of the obvious reasons. War sucks. Mandatory spousal separation sucks. Dirty, dusty tent living sucks. Fear, worry, danger... all suck.

But the little stuff sucks too. In some ways it sucks more than the big stuff... you know, not having him to talk to about my day. Not having him to be my nuclear reactor in bed- and no that isn't some metaphor for sex- literally the man throws off some serious heat and I love to be warm & cozy. Not seeing his smile. Not being able to touch him, hold hands, curl up beside one another. Not being able to talk to him about his day, every day. Not having him to cook for. Not being able to look over and see him there.

And you know what I miss the most? Just being with him. We don't have to do anything, say anything... just be together. I miss that so very much.

Hmph.

This article blew me away.

"Fresh recruits keep pouring into the U.S. military, as concerns about serving in Iraq and Afghanistan are eclipsed by the terrible civilian job market."

I mean, I know the Military provides great benefits, job security (assuming a number of things that I won't get into now), housing, insurance, educational opportunities, and even decent retirements* if you can make it that long. But we are at war. Troops are still dying. Units are still deploying. With no end in sight- no matter what anyone says about Iraq.

"The Department of Defense said Tuesday that all branches of the armed forces, including the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps, met or exceeded their active duty recruiting goals for January, continuing a trend that began with a decline in the U.S. job market."

I cannot fathom jumping into this lifestyle in the middle of these wars. We (meaning Swiss and me) are up to our necks in this war, but that is because Swiss enlisted 18 years ago. In peace time. You take the good with the bad... in the back of your mind you know this is a possibility, but then again maybe it will never come to pass. That is the risk you take when you enlist in peace time.

But choosing to go in, in the middle of TWO wars, because of finances, not for one of the multitude of reasons usually cited (pride, honor, duty)? I cannot fathom this. What does that say about the state of affairs that going to war is eclipsed by financial struggles?

"When asked about the possibility of serving in Iraq or Afghanistan, he replied, "I'm not worried about that. I'm just worried about my kids.""

Wow. Just wow.

*Assuming there is any money left to give at the end of your ordeal...

Yes!

Lopsided Mom... I am stealing your idea. This is an OpEd piece that I say YES! to.

Send ROTC back to School.

We are practicaly denying the brightest most driven students out there the opportunity to serve... we never ask them. The only way to really be a student and a soldier is to go ROTC. These programs are so great and they give these students opportunities they cannot get elsewhere. They get to work with soldiers, commissioned and enlisted, who can teach them more than just what they find in books. But they need to have access to this, they need to have these programs on campus. There's simply no other way.

"Imagine asking a 21-year-old: “How would you like to go somewhere where you are the only person who is capable of helping?” My students were desperate to serve their country in some way. We owe it to them to offer the armed forces as a realistic option."

If you were the CinC, if you were Army or Navy or Air Force or Marine Brass, woudn't you want these kids fighting for you too? Wouldn't you want these minds working out the issues, fixing the problems, leading? I know I would.

But... here's the bigger issue...

"At Yale, which has supplied more than its share of senators and presidents, almost none of my former classmates or students ever noticed the absence of uniforms on campus. In a nation at war, this is a disgrace. But it also shows how dangerously out of touch the elites who shape our national policy have become with the men and women they send to war."

Truer words have rarely been spoken. And I hope President Obama does something to change it. Only he has the power now.

Soapbox.

This is my Soapbox. I am going to get on it and shout about and an maybe, just maybe someone will listen and help do something. These are the headlines that are breaking my heart:

"More Army Suicides Than Combat Deaths Reported in January"

"Army suicide rate could top nation's this year"

"Army Suicides Rise Sharply-January Figures Up Six-Fold From Same Time in 2008"

"Army official: Suicides in January 'terrifying''

Not to mention the series of articles Salon.com is running this week. Read here and here. Seriously. Stop right now and go read them. Come back when you are done.

"Nobody is willing to help anybody," he said about his experience at Fort Carson after returning from Iraq. "You have to understand. We are just pieces of equipment."

If that doesn't make you ill, perhaps nothing will. Except maybe this:

Yes, a soldier left a stack of these at the sign-in desk at the Doctor's office at Fort Carson. How can anyone get help, get better, in this environment?

And here is what the Army has to say for itself:

Col. Elspeth Ritchie, the Army's top psychiatrist, ticks off a series of initiatives to improve Army mental healthcare, including the hiring of 250 new mental health providers through civilian contracts and more than 40 marriage and family therapists since the spring of 2007. Ritchie said an August 2007 Army directive ensures PTSD screenings for soldiers with disciplinary problems so serious the Army wants them out. She added that the Army surgeon general issued a memo in May 2008 requiring additional review of any diagnoses short of PTSD to make sure the Army gets it right. "We've really tried to enhance our access to care," she said in a telephone interview.

All well and good, but 250 mental health providers extra? 40 marriage counselors extra? For how many troops? How many families? As of 2007 there were 538,128 men and women serving active duty.

When will this epidemic stop? What will it take for the attitudes and environments to change? When will we stop treating these brave men and women like equipment and realize that these experiences, these wars, these emotional and physical tolls they pay are breaking them?

I will be writing more on this later... but I wanted to give it the attention is deserves.

I love you Alexander Graham Bell.

What a difference a phone call makes.

Swiss called this morning... we actually got to talk. Really talk. Not just 5 or 10 minutes of catching each other up and saying our I love you's. We got to talk about how things are going over there (and found out some disappointing information about his leadership... but that's another post), talk about our future, talk about anything & everything. It left me feeling recharged, happy, like I really can do this.

And of course I always could do this, I always have had it in me to get through this. It's just that sometimes it feels like a lot. It feels unfair, it feels frustrating, it feels lonely. It feels like we have a long way to go- and we do.

But today? Today I am good.

The mass media edition.

I have always been a bit on the sappy side. I have been known to cry during episodes of Sex and the City, so let's not even talk about the really emotional stuff. And I am a sucker for those dreamy, heartfelt, emotional songs on the radio. But usually I can reign it in. I don't cry in public... I don't like being that girl.

Well, I cried in a Goodwill this week. Yes, Goodwill. My Mom and I went in there looking for vases and while she was checking out the sappy song on the overhead muzak channel made me cry. Seriously. Now I am that girl. Bah.

I couldn't watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tonight because I was teary in the first 3 minutes. I even tried to go back a while into it, nope, instant mistiness. (It didn't help that the woman's husband died... duh. Probably not a smart choice...)

Anyway, I have been relegated to watching an America's Next Top Model marathon. Heck, next week I will probably be watching Rock of Love Bus. Apparently I can't HANDLE the sappy. Oh well, what I save in Kleenex I will make up for in mushy brain bits. I'm hoping Swiss will find them endearing.

Newsletter: Week 52

Yes, I am totally stealing this idea from Dooce. But I thought it might be interesting to sum up the 52 (+/-) weeks of this deployment. Sort of like a raw "Here's how it really went down" thing to look back on, no sugar coating way to document life, as it were, during the deployment. So here it goes...

Dear Swiss,

This week sucked. It started when you left and it hasn't stopped, though it has gotten better. It is a terrible feeling sending you off, sending you into harm's way, knowing I won't see you for so very long. I couldn't get over the feeling that our goodbye wasn't good enough, that I didn't say the things I wanted to and that I didn't hug or kiss you one more time... however I suspect that nothing could have made that goodbye good. God willing, we will never have to do it again. We drove back to our house on post and I cried all the way home. I don't like it there without you in it. I don't like it here without you. Apparently, you make lots of things better... like... well, everything. But at some point I got up and started moving. There was packing to be done after all. So I packed and cleaned and missed you terribly. By Monday we were finished and checked out of housing, easy as pie. Goodbye Fort X, for now. See you in a year...

We hit the road in your trusty truck and headed North. That drive is a lot less fun without you and your funny singing and random topics of conversation (no offense mom- you did a great job keeping me entertained too!). Anyway, we stayed in Wichita Monday night and made it home by Tuesday night. And again, I find that home is a foreign place without you in it. It is going to take some time to get used to not seeing you there, not having 2 towels hanging on the bathroom door, not having a co-pilot on the sofa, not having someone to cook for, having all that empty space on the other side of the bed... the list goes on... But this is how it is, for now.

My Mom stayed for the rest of the week. It was good having some company, someone to just be around and talk to... I never was one for cold turkey. But things here are okay. I will go back to work this week on Wednesday, which will be strange after 2 months off. I rather liked unemployed life, however I suspect that working will go a long way in keeping me busy and helping the time to pass. We spent some time with your Mom & Dad too, they miss you but are so proud of you! Things are pretty much the same here as when we left in November... it will be interesting to see how much things will change this year.

In other news, we got a puppy! The one you and I looked at before you left... I named him Fletcher, that's one of the names you picked out and it suits him very well. (He's passed out on the floor next to me as I write this.) He is sweet and quirky, just like us, and you are going to love him... I can't wait for you to meet him! He is a total goof and loves to play... he thinks the back yard is the best thing ever with all the birds and squirrels, I can't wait to see what he does with our dream 20 acres someday. He is a good snuggler too, not near the caliber of you, but pretty good. He is definitely a perfect addition to our family. I just wish you and I could have done all this together... it sucks that we have to do all these 'firsts' as a married couple uncoupled.

Anyway, this week seemed like a monumental task to complete. And I am so glad it is over... only 51-ish more to go! You and I have been able to talk about every other day, so I can't complain too much there. It is always sooooo good to hear your voice and know that you are doing well, find out what you are up to, and tell you how very much I love you & miss you. I just wish we could stretch those 5 or 10 minutes out longer, it never seems like enough time to tell you everything I want to say, the bad connections never help either. But I digress. You are staying very busy and enjoying work, which is great.

I am hoping that the next week will go by faster and that you will find out what your assignment will be and where you will actually be, then I can send you the care package that is all ready and waiting for you! But know that I am doing fine, I miss you like crazy, but I am okay. I've been so lucky to have such great friends and so much support, so there is nothing to worry about here at home. This isn't easy, but it is getting easier.

So be safe, be strong, and come home soon. 51 to go.

Your girl,
Tucker